Problem or not?
A Day at a Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Problem or not?
My 30 something niece struggles with drinking but is bound and determined she doesn't have a problem. Her latest justification to prove to herself she doesn't have a problem is she quitting drinking for a year and has about 5 months sober. As far far as I know she hasn't drank. To me this post has alcoholic written all over it.
Am I being an overly paranoid alcoholic uncle or is she an early stage alcoholic who is walking on very thin ice regardless of whether she is drinking or not.
Everyday she posts a gratitude list. Here is one of her latest
July 8th and 9th. 6 things I am thankful for
5. Waking up, yet again, without a hangover. I gotta say...not drinking is really hard. I mean really, really hard, but I LOVE waking up and feeling fine.
Am I being an overly paranoid alcoholic uncle or is she an early stage alcoholic who is walking on very thin ice regardless of whether she is drinking or not.
Everyday she posts a gratitude list. Here is one of her latest
July 8th and 9th. 6 things I am thankful for
5. Waking up, yet again, without a hangover. I gotta say...not drinking is really hard. I mean really, really hard, but I LOVE waking up and feeling fine.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Maybe she's on thin ice.... maybe not.
Good news is she is posting about gratitude not about relapse.
We can only offer our example and our encouragement.
If it were me in your shoes, I'd give her support. Acknowledge her efforts. Share with her your praise.
If she is going to fall, then she will fall. That will be part of her own Journey and nothing you can do about it.
Be there as her living example, not as her attempted savior.
Be there as her cheerleader, not as her harbinger of doom.
If she falls.... be there to offer her a hand back up, knowing that we all must come to our own understanding in our own way on our own time.
Good news is she is posting about gratitude not about relapse.
We can only offer our example and our encouragement.
If it were me in your shoes, I'd give her support. Acknowledge her efforts. Share with her your praise.
If she is going to fall, then she will fall. That will be part of her own Journey and nothing you can do about it.
Be there as her living example, not as her attempted savior.
Be there as her cheerleader, not as her harbinger of doom.
If she falls.... be there to offer her a hand back up, knowing that we all must come to our own understanding in our own way on our own time.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Sounds like she's doing well, MIR. Good for her to stop drinking, even if temporarily. I quit for one year at age 27. That was the beginning of me getting sober for good. It gave me the confidence that I could do it, and I was blessed and fortunate to realize at an earlier age that I really needed to quit. Maybe this will lead to her permanent sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you have great experience to share. im sure you can relate to not drinking can be hard, but even harder if ya just put down the bottle and didn't change.
maybe you can share with her how hard it was for you and what ya did to make it easier and eventually have the problem removed?
maybe you can share with her how hard it was for you and what ya did to make it easier and eventually have the problem removed?
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
Am I being an overly paranoid alcoholic uncle or is she an early stage alcoholic who is walking on very thin ice regardless of whether she is drinking or not.
Which one can you control?
Keep being you MIR.
A Day at a Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
I reject your premise that it has to be one or the other.
Which one can you control?
Keep being you MIR.
Which one can you control?
Keep being you MIR.
I know rationally there is nothing I can do but emotionally I want to save her the pain I have suffered. She is walking a razor's edge and only she can determine the outcome
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Sure, my money is on alcoholic, but no one put me in charge.
This falls under the things we cannot change. Always worse when it's someone we care about. My sponsor told me a long time ago that you just don't "12-step" a family member.
There is always the fact that she's not getting loaded. Perspective is hard to come by when it comes to family, but it is important.
You're a good man.
This falls under the things we cannot change. Always worse when it's someone we care about. My sponsor told me a long time ago that you just don't "12-step" a family member.
There is always the fact that she's not getting loaded. Perspective is hard to come by when it comes to family, but it is important.
You're a good man.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
I think it's only natural for you to see a potential problem and want to fix it, especially when its someone you are close to. Not to mention someone young, whom you would like to help avoid the struggles you have endured. But, as you know, it just doesn't work that way.
Nothing wrong with a concerned uncle who is there for his niece. We should all be so lucky!
Nothing wrong with a concerned uncle who is there for his niece. We should all be so lucky!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Originally Posted by MIRecovery
I just hate good advice. It is so much more fun to dispense it than it is to receive it.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
She has a problem with alcohol to some degree, she recognizes it, has chosen to quit, and has been sober for 5 months. There doesn't seem to be a lot wrong with this situation. She is committed to remaining sober for the next seven months. To me, that has more bank than committing to only today. That gratitude journal entry sounds damn solid, something else to consider.
When a year rolls by, we can hope that she sees how much better her life has become, and how much she can lose if she resumes drinking. Maybe she will, and then again, maybe not. A lot can happen in the next seven months.
I think she has a lot going for her and deserves support and congratulations. Positive reinforcement and all that. Maybe consider what it might be that you would change, and why you want to change what is.
When a year rolls by, we can hope that she sees how much better her life has become, and how much she can lose if she resumes drinking. Maybe she will, and then again, maybe not. A lot can happen in the next seven months.
I think she has a lot going for her and deserves support and congratulations. Positive reinforcement and all that. Maybe consider what it might be that you would change, and why you want to change what is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 981
[QUOTE=MIRecovery;6038018
I know rationally there is nothing I can do but emotionally I want to save her the pain I have suffered. She is walking a razor's edge and only she can determine the outcome[/QUOTE]
Does she know this? Does she know the road you've traveled? If not fully, I think it would be helpful. I'd like to hear it from someone that I respected and love.
I know rationally there is nothing I can do but emotionally I want to save her the pain I have suffered. She is walking a razor's edge and only she can determine the outcome[/QUOTE]
Does she know this? Does she know the road you've traveled? If not fully, I think it would be helpful. I'd like to hear it from someone that I respected and love.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I think we all want to save others that pain. Especially those we love. But, they have to be ready, willing, and WANT to get sober.
In the meantime, get well yourself. Really, really well, so that the joy of recovery shines from every pore. Live your life how you'd want people you love to live theirs. Make sure that YOU have what she wants. And then, if she does have a problem, and wants to get well, then when you do offer her advise, your message of experience, strength and hope will really be a gift to her.
In the meantime, get well yourself. Really, really well, so that the joy of recovery shines from every pore. Live your life how you'd want people you love to live theirs. Make sure that YOU have what she wants. And then, if she does have a problem, and wants to get well, then when you do offer her advise, your message of experience, strength and hope will really be a gift to her.
A Day at a Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Behappy1
Does she know this? Does she know the road you've traveled? If not fully, I think it would be helpful. I'd like to hear it from someone that I respected and love.
Guest
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 177
I think that each person needs to figure out for themselves that they are alcoholic!! This quitting drinking business may be one of the first steps toward her discovery - yes. I know it was for me. But who knows? It's impossible to convince somebody they're alcoholic when they don't believe it anyways. You can feel good about the sober path she's on right now!
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I've seen this pattern before. Judging by what she says and is doing now .....
If she makes it to a year (and she most likely will) she will drink soon afterward. Her drinking will (of course) become unmanageable fairly quickly. The degree of unmanageability and the consequences of that unmanageability will determine how quickly she will decide (once again) to stop drinking.
Her next attempt has a better chance of success (assuming she does more than she is doing this time around). The resources she employs at that point will be key but she must determine how to proceed. You can be of the greatest benefit by letting her know that you support her and will help if she ever asks, but IMO she will need to ask for your words to have much effect.
That's just my prediction and 2 cents.
All the best to you both.
If she makes it to a year (and she most likely will) she will drink soon afterward. Her drinking will (of course) become unmanageable fairly quickly. The degree of unmanageability and the consequences of that unmanageability will determine how quickly she will decide (once again) to stop drinking.
Her next attempt has a better chance of success (assuming she does more than she is doing this time around). The resources she employs at that point will be key but she must determine how to proceed. You can be of the greatest benefit by letting her know that you support her and will help if she ever asks, but IMO she will need to ask for your words to have much effect.
That's just my prediction and 2 cents.
All the best to you both.
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