madgirl

Day 93? 94? Finding myself so depressed it is hard to get out of bed. I dont want to drink at all so let me throw that out there.
Is it normal to feel so blue and to feel like you just irretrievably screwed up your life? I will be honest - death is on my mind WAY too much. The only real thing keeping me from pulling an early exit is my obligation to and love for my son.

least

Sounds like depression to me, and I should know. Why not see your doctor for an assessment? Help is available.

Bailey3

I know exactly how you feel. I agree with least. Go see your doctor and, get diagnosed. They can help you through this. I did and, it's helping me out a lot.

D122y

Yep. Dr. Visit.

In the mean time, try to think about all of your blessings.

Health being my fav. Especially since i am sick right now.

Since we are sober, our emotions show through. We are like a kid learning to drive a car.

What issues are making u think of death?

P.s. say the Lord's Prayer...over and over....it is the most powerful prayer...it works miracles.

whiteturtle

I just wrote a post with similar sentiments in my May Class thread. I understand completely. It is a sense of hopelessness and exhaustion from trying to get through it all, and at times like this it feels like what for? I wish I had some helpfulness to offer, but really I just wanted to let you know I am in the exact same boat. That's great that you don't want alcohol to deal with it, though. That's huge. I imagine that means you are doing a lot better mentally than you feel. Remember that depression goes in waves a lot like addiction cravings...you can ride them out and let them pass, even though it's hard. I am off to try to take my own advice, ha.

Wastinglife

I can relate Madgirl. I am a month sober and dealing with depression. 10 years of alcoholism caused a lot of damage to my life and I worry about my uncertain future. I feel hopeless but I can't do anything to fix my life until I achieve lasting sobriety.

Stay the course. This will pass for both of us eventually

AdelineRose

Please go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and get a full psychological evaluation. Finally going and getting a full psych exam has changed my life. Finally being properly diagnosed as bipolar type 2 has allowed me to get on the correct medications which in turn, with counseling, has allowed me to feel better then I have in my entire life.

There is no reason to struggle when there is so much help out there. Even though you do not feel like drinking, if you have a mental illness and it continues to go undiagnosed and untreated then our chances of keeping a strong, solid, recovery goes way down. Never mind that you deserve to be happy and to enjoy your life, you have fought so hard to find recovery, you should be able to wake up and not have thoughts of suicide.

HUGS a lot of us have been there. Even if you are unsure about psychiatric medications, it wont do you any harm to go get the evaluation done.

KiKi0615

Hang in there madgirl. I agree with others. A doctor visit is in order. Millions of people deal with severe depression & the great news is there is relief!!! I promise. Just hang on and make that dr. appt. Tell them it's urgent.

Sending hugs & prayers....

blueberry2015

Yes. The 90 day mark or thereabouts can be a difficult time. Def def def see your doctor without delay x x x Wishing you better x x x Hang in there, this can be overcome x x x

madgirl

Thanks all.

Dee74

Hi madgirl

I don;t agree you've irretrievably screwed up your life, but I do understand it might feel like that now.

Takes a little bit of time to rebuild a life but it will happen - things got a lot better for me after ninety days
That being said, 'thinking about death way too much' is not a good place to be, and I wouldn't dismiss that as 'normal' - I think it needs attention.

I hope you'll consider seeing your doctor or a therapist.

D

Anna

I agree with the others that it sounds like a good time to talk to your dr. Congratulations on your 94 days sober and I hope that you feel good about it.

IvanMike

Not a bad idea to see a Dr. A lot of my friends were on antidepressants for a while and some still are.

And yes, it's normal to be a mess in early recovery.

What are you doing for recovery support? For a LONG time daily contact with other recovering addicts in NA, (especially those with time and experience) helped reel in the mood swings and kept me grounded. Guidance and direction from my sponsor and a few other men also helped as I tried on "real life" for the first time in a long while.

Hang in there. If you're like me your feelings are valid, but they aren't always based in reality....

Soberwolf

Some great advice x

littlefish

I'll chime in with Dee on the 90 day thing. Or a little more than 90 days. At the 90 day point a couple of things happened. I could write again, my hands weren't shaking. I stopped waking up at 4am with suffocating anxiety.
I had stopped thinking about alcohol obsessively.

That said, and this is probably not going to be fun to hear, early sobriety was not fun. No longer having the option to drink away my problems, they were suddenly there, in my face, every morning, every day, all day.
Life postponed was there knocking on my door and I wasn't passed out in bed anymore, I had to answer the door.
But, that difficult phase didn't last forever and eventually I learned I didn't have to be afraid of my problems, or my own feelings. My own feelings and reactions to problems were actually worse than the problems themselves.

And, what all the others said about depression. It's real and it's something lots of people discover they have only after the blinding fog of alcoholism has cleared, and there are solutions. Hang in there!

madgirl

Thanks again. The enormity of how much alcohol abuse has wrecked my marriage, sense of self, etc is really hitting me and on some level death actually seems like what I deserve - I know that makes no sense.
I am 100% committed to sobriety no matter what. I am wracked with guilt I didn't do it sooner.

madgirl

I may go to a group because if nothing else I need to get to know some other people in recovery - feel very alone in this

thomas11

Have you or are you seeing someone to talk to this about? It almost sounds like you might be mildly obsessing about death. For what its worth, I completely ruined my life once, and damn near ruined it a 2nd time. And I thought about death as well. Too much probably. I can tell you that I'm glad I didn't act on it. Stay sober, stay engaged with life.

Mountainmanbob

I had caused a lot of wreckage during my last couple of drunk outings and was very depressed for a few months in my early sobriety.

Things picked up well from then on.
Sobriety is well worth the struggle.

Your son as you know needs you in his life.

Good luck,
Mountainmanbob

ccam1973

Madgirl, I think reaching out to a group is a good idea. I also think we all react differently when we quit drinking. Our body's way of getting chemically in balance from years of abuse affects everyone differently.

There is help out there and every day that passes is a new sober day. As long as you don't drink, everything will fall into place. Lord knows after 20 years of my heavy drinking I am going to pay for my decisions for years to come. But that's ok, because I am paying for them while I'm sober and living life on my terms versus on the terms of my addiction.

I would definitely consider talking to your doctor about this. Can't hurt anything, right?