Eliasson

I have nowhere to turn. No one left that will even listen to me or care. My husband was so emotionally abusive tonight. If I believed what he said about me I'd want to die. And I do, kind of. But there's something in me that wants so badly to be sober and to live, even tho it's scary thinking about living alone. Seriously I can't talk to anyone. I'm scared. Y'all have always been here no matter what and I appreciate that so much. I don't want to be another statistic. I can't not drink there's no other way to numb the pain.

jseattle

Please please go to an emergency room or find a doctor. Life is worth living. Sobriety is HARD and almost impossible to do alone - but totally possible to do with help. Do you have health insurance? My insurance covers 100% of my rehab. I could not have made it alone. AA and sober friends are a support but you need medical help as well. There are many wonderful in-patient rehab programs that take insurance. You deserve a meaningful life free of this addiction and it can happen.

Venecia

I'm so sorry you're hurting. It sounds like you've had a really rotten night and are looking at some decisions about some big changes -- being on your own. Which may well be preferable, given what you described about your husband.

Please know that drinking won't make anything better. In fact, the only thing drinking does dependably well is make everything worse. Hold on tight to sobriety; it will help open doors to better places.

Anna

Eliasson, please know you are safe here. I'm so sorry for the abuse you are enduring from your husband. You are a good and worthwhile person and you deserve a good life. Don't believe otherwise.

I'm here, so please feel free to PM me anytime to talk.

MythOfSisyphus

We're always here to listen Eliasson. I'm sorry your husband is abusive- you surely deserve better.

Soberwolf

Youl always have us x

chickippo

when i first got into recovery my husband wouldn't support me at all. i was SO angry - he had asked me for so long to get my drinking under control or quit, and the minute i tried he ditched me for someone more fun.

the point of telling you is this: i left him. i moved into a little apartment on my own. for the first few weeks i was drunk and in so much emotional pain. i wanted to die. my ex-husband and my sister both called the police to do a welfare check on me.

my last bender was a complete blank. i woke up puking in my bed AGAIN. the living room was littered with cider cans and empty brandy bottles. i must have gone out at least once to restock - i have no recollection of this at all.

the withdrawal was brutal and i shouldn't have attempted it alone. i am very lucky to have made it.

but - i DID make it. i live alone apart from my cats. i have ongoing severe mental health problems and i haven't worked since 2012. the most important bit though is that i am sober. 2 years and one month.

i got sober living alone, and i have never regretted finally digging in and making it work. divorcing my ex-husband was liberating. i could finally see what I needed, without the fog of fear that kept me wanting to please him. i never could - the standards i was failing to meet were never revealed to me.

please know that you are strong enough to get through this. emotional abuse will keep you stuck. be your own best friend. you can do this, and i am cheering you on...

Meraviglioso

I am so sorry for what you are going through, emotional abuse is so very painful. You do deserve better and in sobriety you will find the confidence to seek that. I also would recommend rehab. One, it will help you get sober. Two, it will give you some space away from your abusive husband to really think things through, soberly and with the helped of a psychologist. You are WORTH taking such a big step to care for yourself. If you have any questions about rehab you can search for my old thread, I made one about my rehab experience, it was wonderful and just what I needed to get sober.
Sending you a big hug!

Opivotal

I know you're scared to be on your own, Eliasson. I endured years of emotional abuse from my husband, for just that reason. Of course I'm the only one responsible for my drinking, but after being beat down for so long, I felt worthless.

Words are very powerful, they can harm your very soul if hurled on a regular basis. You don't deserve to live this way... no one does. Not you, not me. Somewhere deep inside, you know this. I got out, stopped drinking and learned to love myself again.

Put down that alcohol, lean on us for support until you gain enough strength to stand on your own.

We're here for you.

entropy1964

I'm sorry you're hurting. It is very hard to get sober in a relationship, any relationship, at least for me. It seems the alcoholic is either married to another alcoholic, in which case its usually an enabling cycle. Or the person is married to someone that doesn't drink much or only drinks occasionally, and that person doesn't understand at all and usually ends up very angry and disillusioned. "Why can't you just stop"?. If that person can't handle anger or tends toward being verbally abusive, well it comes out 10 fold in that kind of situation. My exbf was incredibly verbally abusive. A viscous cycle. While I understood 'why' it did nothing to help me recover. I was lucky because I could just dump him and move on. He was a jerk when I wasn't drinking also.

Can you stay with a family member or friend for a while just to get some air? Or if you have the resources, get your own place for a few months, then re-evaluate? Either way, drinking will make things much worse and only fuel the fire.

MissPerfumado

You're strong. You're strong inside. That voice inside that says you want to be sober and to live IS your strength. Listen to it and believe it. Keep saying it. I am strong. Hear that voice and hear it get stronger.

You will get through this. You will stop drinking and you will live that beautiful life you deserve. Keep reaching out! We are here for you!

Eliasson

Thank you all once again for your kind words and encouragement. I am sober tonight and am meeting an old friend from AA for breakfast tomorrow and then going to a women's meeting.
I'm terrified of failing at sobriety again, but I have to keep trying. So grateful for everyone here

uncorked

Eliasson, I'm so glad you posted. I was also married to an emotionally and financially abusive husband. I felt that I had no voice in the relationship, that I was powerless. I drank to numb my feelings. You don't have to live this way! Remember who you were before you slowly became this shell of a person. Abuse will do that. You try so hard to please him, but you never can. Nothing is ever good enough. You walk on eggshells hoping you won't say the wrong thing. Before you know it, you've lost yourself. If you are concerned about your safety, call an abuse hotline. I'm scared to live alone, too, but it's better than feeling like you're a worthless person. And I agree with Mera, going to rehab might be a great idea. I went for 7 weeks after my husband filed for divorce and it was the best thing I ever did. It might help you a lot, both in getting sober and figuring out who you are again.

desertsong

My ex husband wasn't exactly abusive by the end of our marriage, but he was cold and totally shut me out (while also cheating on me). I felt unworthy, unwanted, and unloved. I'd had an alcohol problem for a few years before that, but his coldness made it worse because it made me feel terrible about myself. He was also an alcoholic, and when I started going to AA, he was initially supportive but then started ridiculing it and suggesting that I had a "boyfriend" there. I ended up going to rehab for a month and when I got back, I decided I'd had enough, kicked him out of the house, and filed for divorce. It scared the hell out of me, but the alternative was scarier.

Thankfully, we are good friends now and we are both sober, but those were some tough times and I can imagine the pain you must be in. But you will get through this. The fear of being on your own can be overwhelming, but you will manage. Give yourself the gift of sobriety and you can build a whole new life that can be rich, full, and life-affirming. It will take time but you will get there. Scary as it is, it can also be a wonderful time of self discovery and learning to love yourself. A sponsor once told me that "a love affair with yourSELF is the best relationship you can ever have." I am finally finding that out at the ripe old age of 54!

Best to you. You can do this.