noush

My gorgeous,loving , beautiful man has become an alcoholic. He has always had tendencies to use alcohol as a crutch, but life has got too much for him and the desire to escape is all consuming.
He no longer has any boundaries and no moral conduct.
He is currently out of the house because he wants to go to drink and doesn't want to see me cry.
We have a wonderful little boy together and in a drunken rage decided he wanted nothing to do with.
He won't speak to me or face me.
I have it in my head that he gets help (not just a once a week visit to his psycotherapist -which isn't working -or doing anything quick enough ), real help or we split up.
Our family has been so special and with tears I am typing this out. My heart is breaking.
If he says yes,do I stick by him? My parents want me to leave. They don't want my child around him. If he doesn't want to get better, I don't want my child around him. Can he get better , if that's what he wants? He is broken and I understand how he got there. Or really do I put into play my exit plan? I know life will go on.
This is breaking my heart.

least

Welcome to the family. If he doesn't show clear signs of wanting to get sober, I'd take the child and run. Growing up with an alcoholic parent can be devastating to a child. Better to live with a sane single parent than in an alcoholic household.

I hope you can find some peace of mind.

Sinderos

Your man is the man you love with an addiction. The only way he will get better is if he wants to and chooses to. Addiction changes people. It has changed me. I'm still a loving, caring person who adores my family, but I'm struggling to get well. I'm trying to get better because I choose to and I want to. I am still me, just with issues.

When I am drinking I am not the person I really am. I can say horrible things to people and do things I would never do when sober. You must think about the safety of your child and yourself. Your post doesn't say much about how he acts when drinking, but if it is negative behavior you should seriously consider removing your child and yourself from that situation immediately.

I hope things work out for the best for you and your family.

Thumpalumpacus

So long as he is drinking he will put you and your son second. Take your son and walk away.

Yes, it's a hard road, but in the end you and your son will be better for the hard decision.

Dee74

I'm really sorry for what brings you here Noush, but I know you'll find support understanding and encouragement here

I don't think thats an unreasonable request or an unreasonable expectation that you'll have to leave if things don;t get better.

I hope they will
D

thomas11

As has been mentioned, he's going to have to want help, or it will only get worse. If he does, things can be wonderful, if he does not, there are tough choices in your future. Life sometimes just isn't fair, but you have to do what is right for yourself and child.

Pondlady

You make mention of his moral conduct and drunken rage, something to consider carefully, with a young child in the home.

You are fortunate to have the support of your parents.

Hevyn

I'm glad you found us, noush. Many here have been through this - including me, but I didn't reach out for help at the time. I'm glad you have.

noush

Thank you everyone for your support . Since he decided to randomly leave 2 weeks ago , I have barely heard from him and he keeps backing out of meeting to speak. He can't even get his act together so that he can see his child. I know facing me is him having to face up to his actions, but I really don't understand how he isn't desperate to see his child.

Jeni26

I am very sorry for your heartbreak. Alcoholism is so very cruel. Drinking becomes something that takes precedence over everything else in an alcoholics life. He probably feels like he has very little control over it.

I am an alcoholic, now sober, and I'm married to an alcoholic, still drinking. Even with my understanding of it, I still have those moments when I'm crying with frustration that he can't stop for me.

I would urge you to seek support for yourself. We have an excellent family and friends forum here, and have you thought of AlAnon? I go to meetings there from time to time and I've found them really helpful.

Life must go on for you and your son, regardless of your husbands choices. There is always hope, never give up that, but for now I think you need to put yourself first.

Stick around, there are plenty of people here who understand.

zlhzlh

Alcoholics are very selfish, the want for drink is bigger than the want for anything else. I can hear your pain and that you still love him very much, but I think you need to put you and your son first. It might be the turning point for your husband If you leave him. I am sorry to be so blunt but you live once and once only, don't throw your life away waiting for him to change. If he really wants to keep you and your son he will stop drinking, no matter what. All the best.

Ruby2

I think that if he has been backing out of meeting with you for two weeks, you have your answer about his priorities at this time. And as I write that, it sounds so harsh. But truth often hurts. I am an alcoholic and have been sober for a couple years now. My husband is also an alcoholic, currently sort of maybe trying to stay sober. He was back at it last night after having almost two months sober time.

Your partner needs to want this for himself. It doesn't appear that he does right now. My husband and I also have a son. When our son was two my husband was in a drunken rage and insisting that our son wasn't his child. Perhaps that is something he needed to tell himself to justify his anger and continued drinking. I don't know.

I'd suggest what Jeni said. Family and Friends of Alcoholics Forum here on SR. AlAnon meetings. You need support. And take this time apart to decide what to do. Maybe things could get better but do you really want to wait for that to happen? Life is too short. My son is ten now and the husband is still struggling back and forth with recovery.

Take care of you. Take care of your child.

FreeOwl

Well.... alcohol is very selfish....

And the addicted, active alcoholic mind is very selfish....

Often, alcoholics - beneath that haze of awfulness - are deeply loving and kind human beings who have been hijacked by their addiction.

That said, I agree with what's been said here about looking after yourself and your child. He must come to his own decisions about his life, about his health, about you and his child. But until he does, the best thing you can do for all involved is to care for yourself and for the child.

Be honest with him.... try your best not to be sneaky and manipulative about honoring your truth and protecting yourself and child. Communicate with him openly about what you're doing and why, under what terms you'd ever consider being together again.....

But look out for the health and well being of YOU and your child first. When he has not only talked about - but demonstrated changes and worked toward recovering and becoming the person he needs to be for himself, for his child and for you - then you can be supportive.

AnvilheadII

if he's out of the house, it's best he STAY out. he has a lot of ground to make up, and would need to fully dedicate himself to getting off the drink.

right now he's feeling like he's 22 (or maybe he IS?) and feeling invincible, waving the finger to the RESPONSIBLE WORLD that adults live in. gonna partay his brains out.

probably won't last long.....the lifestyle of the Party God is really rough business (ask Johnny Manziel !). but he turned his back on his CHILD and IMHO you don't get a pass with just an "oopsie daisy" and a face palm.

you take care of you and your child. for now and for always, that is your best approach. you should take every caution regarding finances, belongings and personal safety. i wouldn't force a meeting.....he knows where you are, and he knows what he's done.

noush

When I posted this back in May your words, all of you gave me clarity and comfort. We split up and he is off doing whatever it is he wants. The freedom to drink is easier than the responsibility of us a family. I have kept it together for my son and carried on at work, with a highly accountable career. We are amicable for our son. This last week all I want to do is cry. Our home is gone; my best friend is gone. The most important thing in the world to me is gone our family unit. The bottle has won. All I want to do is cry. I just can't comprehend it and it hurts more than ever.

Dee74

I'm sorry it came to that Noush. I hope you'll continue to use our community for help tho - you'll find a lot of support here

Have you considered something like ALAnon for yourself?
D

january161992

God bless

saoutchik

Hugs to you noush

I know this may not seem much comfort right this moment but I am guessing that you are not an old person so you do have a lot of life in front of you which may eventually involve meeting a better partner

You seem like a very lovely person, i'm sure you will have a more fulfilling life without an alcoholic partner who doesn't want to help himself or his family

Hevyn

Thinking of you noush - as I said, I went through this long ago & it still makes no sense to me. I'm glad you're talking to us - we care.

PurpleKnight

You're not alone here Noush!!