Starting to get really sad
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Back to the original topic. Thanks to being sober I have really and truly been there for my best friend and my brother this week. I set aside time on Tuesday to call my best friend and talk to her for over an hour about whatever she wanted to talk about. We talked about her worries about her shoes, the bouquet she ordered, if the song she selected for her walk down the aisle was perfect, how her husband to be is handling stuff, what she hopes will happen back in the room on her wedding night 
all kinds of girly, best friend stuff. Honestly, the better part of the last year I have had so many conversations with her where I just wasn't there, I was only thinking about the wine in my glass.
We've also been messaging back and forth about her trip to Italy and I was able to put together a very long list of tips and suggestions. I helped her pick out a place to stay in Rome, some restaurants, gave her tips on what to see and what to skip in Rome and Florence. It feels good to be there for her like she has been there for me.
My brother's husband-to-be sent me a nice note and expressed his sadness that I won't be there. I wrote him back a nice note of my own. I have been messaging with my brother. It is so hard for us to catch one another with his work schedule and the time difference, but I will surely catch up with him this week. They are making their own wedding cake (MADNESS!) as they love to cook and are doing a really relaxed wedding in their backyard. I sent them a wonderful recipe that they tried out and loved. They tweaked it a bit and decided to go with it. I feel like that was a nice contribution on my part.
Ok, I have to go now, tears are welling up in my eyes. I miss them all so much it hurts. I had so many dreams of being a good big sister and a good best friend.
all kinds of girly, best friend stuff. Honestly, the better part of the last year I have had so many conversations with her where I just wasn't there, I was only thinking about the wine in my glass.We've also been messaging back and forth about her trip to Italy and I was able to put together a very long list of tips and suggestions. I helped her pick out a place to stay in Rome, some restaurants, gave her tips on what to see and what to skip in Rome and Florence. It feels good to be there for her like she has been there for me.
My brother's husband-to-be sent me a nice note and expressed his sadness that I won't be there. I wrote him back a nice note of my own. I have been messaging with my brother. It is so hard for us to catch one another with his work schedule and the time difference, but I will surely catch up with him this week. They are making their own wedding cake (MADNESS!) as they love to cook and are doing a really relaxed wedding in their backyard. I sent them a wonderful recipe that they tried out and loved. They tweaked it a bit and decided to go with it. I feel like that was a nice contribution on my part.
Ok, I have to go now, tears are welling up in my eyes. I miss them all so much it hurts. I had so many dreams of being a good big sister and a good best friend.
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Sweetie, you are still her best friend and his sister, nothing changes that. Attending a wedding is not what makes someone a good friend! I bet that your friend loved that last conversation, where you allowed her to fuzz about the little things about the wedding. You were there for her, you listened to her, you helped her feel better about her decisions. THAT's what a friend does! And it's not as if you'll never see your brother and your friend again, you are a huge part of their lives and you will always be special to them. But now is the time to focus on you, to help you get stronger in your sobriety and to regain your physical strength after the pneumonia. They understand this, we understand, and I hope you do too. Wish you a great day, Mera. 
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Flip flopping back to the idea of perfectionism and living an authentic life (though I cringe a bit using that word as it has become a bit of a buzz word these days) here is a clip from a recent Italian film that won a host of awards including the Oscar for best foreign language film. If you look at my avatar, this 16 second clip is the quote that I choose to put as my avatar, it is translated in the subtitles. In the clip he is talking about wasting time looking at a meaningless hook-up's"selfies" but I posted in thinking of not wasting my time drinking or putting myself in situations I don't want to be in.
"The most important discovery I have made is that I can't waste any more time doing things I don't want to do"
"The most important discovery I have made is that I can't waste any more time doing things I don't want to do"
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Hi Mera.
I have been loosely following your journey over the last few months and just want to say that if you feel the need to connect with other people and do useful and caring things in others' lives, you have clearly accomplished it here with your posts at least
On the missing events topic, I skip plenty of parties. I guess for me it's not hard because I have never been into parties and large group gatherings beyond my teens and early 20's (just a personality thing, my challenge is keeping my private one-on-one relationships decent) but where I do relate is events that I find personally meaningful and useful -- some of these can be associated with lots of drinking. I mostly encounter the challenge in my professional life: receptions, conferences, networking at the bar etc. I feel that I have managed to establish a good balance with these things (which often means I leave the parties and networking to my collaborators) but sometimes I do take risks. I like to listen to my feelings and instincts when it comes to evaluating these risks in advance. What I mean by this: if I feel uneasy and conflicted, or find myself having those kinds of temptations you have described in the OP, I will say no, no matter what. I've never found any significant folks in my life getting upset or offended by my not going to parties even if they mark big events in their own lives. I like, and do, compensate plenty in other ways.
Good suggestions and observations on this thread. I think it is possible over time and in sustained sobriety to kinda rewrite our social roles and involvement such that friends, relatives, colleagues etc will know that we are not into these types of gatherings very much (anymore) and will express our good wishes, companionship, love, whatever in different ways. I am sure you will figure out your best (and healthy) way of doing this with time. I think it's uncomfortable for all of us in the beginning, for a while. From your posts, it sounds like in spite of the internal conflicts, you already know with your mind and feel in your heart that you have made the right choice and long-term investment in your life. I am sure that it will radiate through to your family and friends as well, if not today or in a week, with just a bit more time
I have been loosely following your journey over the last few months and just want to say that if you feel the need to connect with other people and do useful and caring things in others' lives, you have clearly accomplished it here with your posts at least
On the missing events topic, I skip plenty of parties. I guess for me it's not hard because I have never been into parties and large group gatherings beyond my teens and early 20's (just a personality thing, my challenge is keeping my private one-on-one relationships decent) but where I do relate is events that I find personally meaningful and useful -- some of these can be associated with lots of drinking. I mostly encounter the challenge in my professional life: receptions, conferences, networking at the bar etc. I feel that I have managed to establish a good balance with these things (which often means I leave the parties and networking to my collaborators) but sometimes I do take risks. I like to listen to my feelings and instincts when it comes to evaluating these risks in advance. What I mean by this: if I feel uneasy and conflicted, or find myself having those kinds of temptations you have described in the OP, I will say no, no matter what. I've never found any significant folks in my life getting upset or offended by my not going to parties even if they mark big events in their own lives. I like, and do, compensate plenty in other ways.
Good suggestions and observations on this thread. I think it is possible over time and in sustained sobriety to kinda rewrite our social roles and involvement such that friends, relatives, colleagues etc will know that we are not into these types of gatherings very much (anymore) and will express our good wishes, companionship, love, whatever in different ways. I am sure you will figure out your best (and healthy) way of doing this with time. I think it's uncomfortable for all of us in the beginning, for a while. From your posts, it sounds like in spite of the internal conflicts, you already know with your mind and feel in your heart that you have made the right choice and long-term investment in your life. I am sure that it will radiate through to your family and friends as well, if not today or in a week, with just a bit more time
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Thank you Aellyce, what a kind message you wrote, I really appreciate it.
I guess this is just hitting me hard for a couple of reasons. One, it is the first major event I have had to turn down, so simply doing that is new ground for me and a bit frustrating, sad and confusing. Two, these are really two of the most special people in my life. My brother and his companion have been together for 10 years and have always been madly in love. They waited to marry until it was legal, which it now finally is, so this has been a long time coming. I have dreamed of this day for them for so long and here it is and I wish I was there the share what is sure to be a powerful event for both of them. It is similar with my best friend. She had been single for years and waited and waited to find the right man. She would never settle for anything less than what she wanted in a companion. She went through many times of self-doubt and feelings of confusion and fear that she would be alone forever and I was there with her every step of the way- to comfort her, to give feedback, to share in her dreams and desires. She waited patiently though and has found a fantastic man who compliments her perfectly. I would love to stand beside her as she takes her vows.
The frustrating thing now is that I am in a really solid moment too. I just cannot imagine ever going back to drinking. I don't feel tempted, I have only the occasional, very mild, passing thought of alcohol and really no cravings whatsoever. But given that I would arrive stressed and tired after 18 hours or travel and that wedding receptions tend to be alcohol heavy events and there are a lot of moments that alcohol are involved- the cocktail hour, the wine with dinner and waiters constantly refilling without asking, the toast- I just thought it was better safe than sorry.
I guess this is just hitting me hard for a couple of reasons. One, it is the first major event I have had to turn down, so simply doing that is new ground for me and a bit frustrating, sad and confusing. Two, these are really two of the most special people in my life. My brother and his companion have been together for 10 years and have always been madly in love. They waited to marry until it was legal, which it now finally is, so this has been a long time coming. I have dreamed of this day for them for so long and here it is and I wish I was there the share what is sure to be a powerful event for both of them. It is similar with my best friend. She had been single for years and waited and waited to find the right man. She would never settle for anything less than what she wanted in a companion. She went through many times of self-doubt and feelings of confusion and fear that she would be alone forever and I was there with her every step of the way- to comfort her, to give feedback, to share in her dreams and desires. She waited patiently though and has found a fantastic man who compliments her perfectly. I would love to stand beside her as she takes her vows.
The frustrating thing now is that I am in a really solid moment too. I just cannot imagine ever going back to drinking. I don't feel tempted, I have only the occasional, very mild, passing thought of alcohol and really no cravings whatsoever. But given that I would arrive stressed and tired after 18 hours or travel and that wedding receptions tend to be alcohol heavy events and there are a lot of moments that alcohol are involved- the cocktail hour, the wine with dinner and waiters constantly refilling without asking, the toast- I just thought it was better safe than sorry.
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Better safe than sorry, yes.
I am from Europe originally, lived in a few countries in Europe and now in the US for more years. I also think that I am somewhat older than you, but not much older, so we might be in some of the same challenges.
So, this song came to mind (I'm not French):
I am from Europe originally, lived in a few countries in Europe and now in the US for more years. I also think that I am somewhat older than you, but not much older, so we might be in some of the same challenges.
So, this song came to mind (I'm not French):
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Well, everything is happening. Yesterday was a frenzy of activity at my brother and soon to be brother-in-law's house. They are having the wedding there, they live in the countryside and want rustic type wedding. The ceremony will only bee immediate family and everyone arrived yesterday to lend a hand. There are about 20 people there and another 40-50 will arrive after dinner for some dancing and celebrating. Last night they all went to a local brewery for dinner. My mom and dad sent pictures, it looks absolutely amazing. I put my head on my pillow last night knowing I made the right decision not to attend. I was feeling so emotional about it and in the past that has led me to drink to calm such strong emotions- whether good or bad, especially in big groups. There is alcohol all over the place, a little bar will be set up as everyone gathers, cocktails after before dinner, my father bought a bunch of wine. I feel like I would have reached for "just a glass" to calm my nerves.
I had a nice, long Skype chat with my best friend. She is so calm and relaxed. Hers will just be a very small ceremony with 6 guests- would have been 7 had I been there. I think I would have been just as emotional there, but the smaller group would have helped me. In addition, her plans don't involve much alcohol at all. She is having the ceremony, then some small nibbles and then dinner at the restaurant on site.
Anyway, bittersweet weekend for me.
I had a nice, long Skype chat with my best friend. She is so calm and relaxed. Hers will just be a very small ceremony with 6 guests- would have been 7 had I been there. I think I would have been just as emotional there, but the smaller group would have helped me. In addition, her plans don't involve much alcohol at all. She is having the ceremony, then some small nibbles and then dinner at the restaurant on site.
Anyway, bittersweet weekend for me.
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