Meraviglioso

So as many of you suggested, as did my family and I also agreed it was the right thing to do, I cancelled my trip to the US to participate in both my brother's wedding and my best friends wedding. My brother will get married this Saturday and my best friend Sunday. The initial decision was made to protect my sobriety, though I am on such a high, I don't think I would drink, but better be safe than sorry. It is now a moot point as I am still recovering from this god forsaken pneumonia and travelling would be a bad idea right now.
I had a creepy crawly sneaky thought pass over me today that I would have a toast in their honour this weekend but quickly shoved that out of my mind. But it wasn't a nice feeling as it is the first real temptation and serious thought I have given to drinking in two months. I won't do that. But I am really really sad not to be there for these occasions. I just cannot believe I am going to miss out on such important life events! I expect to be pretty blue this weekend. I plan on staying up late with the hopes that I can have a quick Skype chat with both of them before the ceremony and possibly see some immediate pictures. It is going to be hard though, knowing I am not there to take part.
Does anyone else who has skipped out on such big events have some suggestion as to how to get through these moments from afar?

ScottFromWI

Focus on the wonderful things you have around you. Your kids, your health, your new life sober, there are a lot of things we can be greatful for each and every day. Also remember that the decision was in everyone's best interest. While the situation may not be ideal, it's the best for everyone involved and everyone is fine with it.

Para

This really shows your commitment to sobriety!
You will miss out. But family and the friends that truly love us will understand.
Your sobriety is important to them too. They want it more than anything.
I think the suggestion that I have is to keep what i've said above in mind. You're doing the right thing.

Meraviglioso

I am definitely grateful for the things I have around me and agree that the decision was the right one to make, but saying it was in everyone's best interest is a little strange. My mom helped me make the decision, but I know my brother and my best friend wish I were there. They support me in my sobriety and support this decision but are sad too and will miss me. I think it is normal to have mixed emotions. I am thankful that I am not putting myself at risk- not risking interfering with anyone's special day by drinking and/or getting drunk, but I am also sad to not be there.
Everything in sobriety isn't so cut or dry. We are real people with real emotions and sometimes it is hard to get on the "quit yer whining' kiddo" train, you know. Am I not allow to be sad over this?

Meraviglioso

Anyway, I will try to contact them via Skype for a quick chat before they begin the ceremony. I know afterwards they will be busy celebrating. I hope someone will send a few quick photos and then I will look forward to waking up the next day to more. The weddings are both at 5pm their time, 11pm my time.

ScottFromWI

I'm not suggesting that at all, not sure how you got that out of my response.

Being sad is a normal emotion and no one is suggesting that you shouldn't be. I'm a real person and so is everyone else here on SR and we all face challenges each and every day.

What I AM suggesting is that your post clearly states that you are feeling sad and also entertaining thoughts of drinking, even if very minute. If you continue to focus on feeling sad, those thoughts might become bigger and bigger. So I'm suggesting that you should try and concentrate/re-focus your energy on positive things that will help you get through this sad time.

Choicy

You have made an honorable decision! They are busy! And just think- they will be able to fill you in (next month?? whenever you choose...)and relive those wedding moments if you give them time after all the hoopla.

I too skipped out on a wedding this weekend. Just thinking about attending, and about missing out (and not being missed?) made me truly emotional and looking for ways to ease the pain that was coming up. I am relieved I did not go.

I spent time with a friend. I can't ignore these feelings as I am doing something new for myself. It comes as an onslaught sometimes. After crying and feeling sorry for myself (which is OKAY!) I called a friend as soon as able. I have to learn when joining in is helpful to my journey in sober life, and when staying away til I am stronger and more supported is the best decision.

I don't know that I will ever again feel the need to join in on cripted holidays and big gatherings.

There are many people here that can do it with pleasure. It is a good sign when I stop feeling envious and work on filling the void in a connective way for me instead of medicating the shite out of it.

You are honoring yourself by feeling these feelings. I am glad you are here. You are not alone.

Meraviglioso

Ok, that makes more sense Scott. I guess if you had added a bit of that understanding in your initial post it would have been more clear. I know on the internet it is difficult to decipher mood and tone. But even just starting with a "yes, I can imagine that must be sad for you, BUT, focus on the wonderful things you have around you........" It sort of came across as cold and not taking into account that this is sad and I hurt not being there.

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

I know this was a very difficult decision to make and I am sorry you are feeling so sad. I know it will be late where you live, but is there something you can do that day in their honor? Do you have a yard where you can plant something special for them as your way of celebrating? You are also a very gifted writer, maybe you can write something special to both of them as they start on this new journey in their lives. You can send it via email, and then always print a nice copy and frame it and send it to them.

Just some thoughts.

❤️ Delilah

AnvilheadII

It is now a moot point as I am still recovering from this god forsaken pneumonia and travelling would be a bad idea right now.

think how bummed you'd be IF you had planned to go, made reservations to go, and THEN got whalloped with pneumonia and could NOT go............i think this worked out really well, all in all. i mean not getting deathly ill, of course, but that you didn't have to cancel plans that could have cost you a ton.

here's what we know.....the weddings will happen, regardless of who attends (unless the bride or groom skips out!). and they will be lovely affairs and YOUR memories of them will not be tarnished or blemished by drinking. it will all be ok..........

tomsteve

allright now, time to get out of the self pity and "poor me" crap.
you wont be misding out on life events your entire life, but at this time- this early in recovery- it is very wise.


you can be as sad as ya want.
for me self pity is something i want to live without, especially when theres quadrapeligics in this world missing out on much more than me.

Coldfusion

I think that there are two very important things to consider here. One is that, in my experience, most big weddings are major drinking affairs, with such things as whiskey fountains. The other is that it is possible that if you started drinking at a wedding it would become a major binge because that is the way addictions act when they are threatened with extinction--you might have caused some serious problems because of your drinking.

entropy1964

Hi Mera
I think what you're feeling is really normal. You wouldn't be human not to have some regret.

I can only share my own beliefs on this kind of stuff. I cannot allow myself to get too caught up in negative feelings that I have no control over. As an alcoholic I can't afford it. It leads me to places of regret and self pity. This is just me but I literally have to change the tape. Force myself to realize I made the right decision, for the right reasons and kind of accept that this is the plan the universe had for me. I know, sounds goofy. But when my addiction sees my thinking begin to spiral it leaves me open for a field day of temptation/craving. This is just me. BTW I know this isn't easy. But when they say 'attitude is altitude'? I think that is especially true for addicts.

Hang in there.

Meraviglioso

No, you are all exactly right. Not going is the best decision for me and for others and I know I made the right decision. I am not trying to wallow in self pity. I am a big girl and will certainly get on with things and will not let this send me down into a dark hole this weekend. I guess I was just reaching out for anyone who might understand the disappointment of not being able to attend my dear brother's and my very best friend's very special, one time only, wedding celebrations. I expected a lot of "yeah, but you are protecting your sobriety, good for you" but I also expected at least someone here to be like "yep, I get it, that sucks and is really sad that you will miss out on these really special, once in a lifetime events due to your alcoholism, something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. It really really does suck......... but is for the best. "

I'm not going to cry all weekend or anything, but I hate the fact that I am an alcoholic and it has stolen also this.

Off to make dinner for the kids, enough of the wallowing, right?

jaybee1

So, after reading posts 2 to 8, you felt like a response like this would be helpful for the OP? Really?

Hang in there Mera. It's natural to be sad in a situation like this. The best thing you can do is try and think about all of the good things that have happened over the past few months.

Fabela

You did the right thing, Mera. You have chosen life over a possible disaster. Yes, you will miss two weddings, two ceremonies with people important to you. But, if you think about it, it's only two days of your life, and to be blunt, this is a lot worse for you than for them. Why not focus on the fact that you will be able to spend time with these important people later, time that you will remember because you will be sober,

Be good to yourself now, because you are finally putting yourself first. You are doing the right thing.

AnvilheadII

who might understand the disappointment of not being able to attend

nothing PREVENTED you from attending, you made the CHOICE not to....as you could have for any number of reasons. now was just not a good time for you to go, PERIOD. but if you start doing down the road of "i can't and here is one more think alcoholism TOOK from me" you'll be wanting that "toast" soon enough.

you get to choose NOW how you want to SEE all this....from a place of abundance or lack. hint - Addiction really wants you to choose LACK.

Meraviglioso

*falls to knees* Agh! Take mercy on me! It was just a little post about being bummed about missing out on two very special events. NBD, folks, move along. I'm abundant! I'm grateful! I'm abundantly grateful! Think of the starving children in Africa! Think of the quadriplegics! I repent! I have zero right to ever be sad about anything! I am sober and that is the only thing that counts!

Meraviglioso

Now let's lighten up, please. I'm sorry I even posted. If this weekend gets tough for me I know where to come, straight to SR where you all will kick me into shape and help me get through anything really serious thoughts of drinking. For now it was more sadness and a slight blip on the radar that I want to keep an eye one. I'll take these kinds of posts to another forum. My sincere apologies.

Fabela

There, there. *pats Mera on the back Sheldon Cooper style*

I understand completely, you just wanted to vent a little. But remember, when you post on a board like this, you risk that people say more than you want to hear. So, deep breaths, count to ten (or a hundred if you need to) and know that people want what's best for you. At least I do.

Big viking hug from me.