ilovedogs666

Hi everyone. I have been sober 1 year and 2 weeks.

I find myself to be very moody, going crazy in my head, perfectionist, black and white thinking, worked up over things in my life I find unacceptable, upset about things I cannot change, and just obsess over negative thoughts about myself. Like I feel Im not good enough, even though I know I am good enough, Im a good person, I try to do my best, Im a hard worker and very ambitious at work, Im caring and a good friend. Its like I beat myself up over things.

I do see a psychiatrist and she tells me my problem is social anxiety. I used to self medicate with alcohol (not even knowing it!!) because I felt I was somehow more social, interesting, talkative, attractive and charming when I drank. Well I was all that during one or two drinks, but I could never stop at that. I know Im an alcoholic and Im very grateful to be in recovery. I go to 4-6 AA meetings per week, and I have some good friends but not enough. For example, I beat myself up a lot about why I dont have more friends in the program. AA meetings help A LOT to make me feel balanced in my thoughts, but I am upset I wish I had a bigger sober network.

Im single, and I havent been in a healthy, committed, long term relationship in maybe 5-6 years because my priority was alcohol and my drinking ruined every good relationship potential. Im 29 years old and I feel everyone is either married, engaged or in a relationship, except me. I worry that Im gonna be alone forever. So I feel very upset that I dont have a boyfriend, I went on a couple of dates and I find it hard to connect sober. I was seeing some guy but he doesnt want a relationship so I beat myself up a lot over this these days. Im upset he doesnt want to be with me, which makes me feel theres something wrong with me, and no guy will ever want to be with me. On and on negative thoughts.

So anyway can anyone relate to these negative thoughts? Its like I dont even mean this to happen, theyre these subtle thoughts about myself how Im not good enough etc. I worry a lot about what other people think about me, if they like me..or dont like me. I feel like people are judging me. Im a people pleaser because I need others' approval to feel good about myself. Its like my self worth depends on how others value me. So I feel these days I dont have many friends and plus I dont have a boyfriend so I feel so bad about myself.

Any advice how I can stop or diminish these negative self thinking?

soberaccountant

I am too much like you right now, so my advice may not be the best. I am 26 years old, many of my friends are in relationships/married/etc and some even have children. I have often felt too young to be doing all this right now, I am still discovering myself. I have also been on dates before with others, some have worked out and some haven't. You can't beat yourself up if someone else isn't ready for a relationship. You may be ready for it, but someone else is on their own path right now. If you really feel it can work with someone, stay connected with them as friends and maybe in the future the possibility can be explored.

I've also struggled in the past with being anxious over social situations--it sucks, I hated it and I didn't like myself for it. I had to really force myself to engage others, and I had to find people whom I felt were not judgmental(I found many of my friends in the past through Church). AA is a great place to make connections with others, get numbers--don't be afraid! It is easy to make connections, it just takes some initiative on your part. Practice will make perfect. I use AA more for life than I do for alcohol, and one thing that has really stuck with me is that life is about progress, not perfection. You will get better being around others and it will become easier to make friends and build potential relationships.

When you feel these negative thoughts about yourself, maybe it would be a good idea to write it down. The truth probably is quite the opposite. And when these negative thoughts come to you, know that the opposite is what really is the truth, and write those down next to them. I've taken a rather spiritual religious approach to my negative thoughts. It may work for you, it may not. But here are some examples of mine that you may be able to use for building a list for yourself(You can include or disclude God, I just happened to find God in my life):

Negative thought 1(I refer to them as lies in my list):
My life is ruined, my goals are destroyed.
The truth is:
-God's plans for me have not changed(Jeremiah 29:11)
-I have a bright future
-There is hope and purpose for my life(Romans 8:28)

Negative thought 2:
I am a criminal, the world sees me as scum.
The truth is:
-God still sees me the same.
-I am blameless in His eyes. (Isaiah 43:25)

Negative thought 3:
I am a failure.
The truth is:
-I am a success.
-I have favor.
-My hard work will pay off.

doggonecarl

There are techniques to help you combat negative thinking. Google "Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs)"or "ANTs Therapy"

Nowsthetime

Hello:

It's common to have these thoughts. You are not alone. You KNOW these aren't true. As Dog stated, there are techniques to combat these. Our thoughts can be strong that's why positive thinking is so powerful.

Rely on us, I hate to see you thinking so negatively about yourself and it seems like you are very self aware so you can start getting empowered and educate yourself about how to turn things around.

You can do this!!! Keep us posted.

Dime

Just a thought here. Have you ever tried a simple exercise program? I have found it to be very effective in dealing with mental stress in the past.

ilovedogs666

I was just thinking about this. I havent worked out in years. I used to be very into hot yoga before my drinking got worse and worse. I would really like to get back to it. Maybe I will this weekend...

Dime

Definitely worth a try. A little goes a long way!

teatreeoil007

People pleasing: where and when does that type of thinking get started? I'm sure it's not the same for everyone, but it sure can be a PAIN when you don't feel good about yourself unless you get the nod from others. I think we are happy, content, and have the most peace when we are able to give ourselves a positive nod with or without others having anything to say about it.

YET-we DO need one another, huh? Only a true sociopath is completely careLESS about what others think. So, if you are not a sociopath, there is always going to be a part of you that does care what others think...to an extent. It's when you are almost totally needing the approval of others to live out your life in a happy, rewarding way that it can be a problem.

BUT-here's something to consider: Others may be way less critical of you than you are of yourself.

As for exercise: amen to yoga, I find solace in going for long walks outside and connecting with nature, trees, and sky, earth...get some sunshine and fresh air....and it is a way to meditate...all's it takes is putting one foot in front of the other...getting started is sometimes the hardest part!

Berrybean

Sounds like me at 6 -7 months when I was just going to meetings but not actually working with a sponsor on my program.

The symbol of AA is not a triangle by accident. Meetings are important for the fellowship / unity, but so is the program of recovery (12 steps with a sponsor), along with service.
If you are not engaging fully with the program, I can honestly say that when I actually did this. (Asked someone to sponsor me, started working the steps, started doing service - then things started to get better).

If you feel that you are doing all of those things, perhaps try going to some different meetings and meeting some new AAers. Different meetings can feel very different, and the more people we meet, the better the source of our experience, hope and strength. I noticed a difference in my understanding of the program when I started going to a 12 & 12 meeting and a BB meeting / study.

Also, if there is a specific you're struggling with, perhaps have a search for some relevant speaker recordings. I've made good use of these at various points for particular issues and when working on specific steps. This site is pretty good ... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

I hope you find some things to try soon that help you out.