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Having a real crisis..please help

Old 05-02-2016, 09:24 AM
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Having a real crisis..please help

My mother in law passed away, somewhat unexpectedly, last week. We were close and I loved her very much and I know she loved me. My husband also was close to his mom and is, understandably, having a very difficult time with this.

The rest of his family is pretty dysfunctional. I do get along with his brother, his sister, and all of his nieces with the exception of one. I don’t want to bore you all with too many details so I will try to keep this to the point – several years ago his niece started communicating with my husband’s ex-wife (who has tried to interfere in our marriage from time to time). My husband and his ex had no children together, and were married for 8 years. I have been married to him for 15. Anyway the niece chose to offer herself as a way for the ex to communicate with my husband indirectly, and it hurt me greatly. The niece and I had several fights about it and I do not communicate with her now unless I have to. She is mentally ill and is not on speaking terms with her mother or any of her brothers or sisters, she has three children who she lost custody of years ago. The point being is that the niece leaves a path of destruction everywhere she goes, and I am not even sure that she can’t help it. She really is ill.

My husband never did intervene in all of this and I had to take it all on myself. Now the funeral is looming and the niece is up to her usual tricks, causing all kinds of drama. I am trying so, so very hard not to acknowledge it. To the point it is making me physically ill. My husband refuses to acknowledge how damaging this behavior truly is. I am just reeling inside. I want to be there for my husband who is really hurting and I also am trying to protect my mental health as well.

I am determined not to drink over this because I know it will make things so much worse. Unfortunately I have yet to achieve long term sobriety but I am weaning myself off the bottle and I am absolutely determined that I am not going to drink any time before the funeral and hopefully not after too.

My husband has been hitting the bottle hard and has been getting drunker than I have ever seen him and I am scared and it has been so very difficult with him bringing a bottle home but I am praying with every ounce of strength that I possess and then some that I will not give into temptation and I will remain strong for my own well-being and for his.

I am terribly worried that the ex is going to attend the funeral with his niece and I just do not know what to do. I know I should keep my head up and handle everything with grace and dignity but I am also only human, also grieving and almost at my breaking point. It hurts that my husband has never tried to put a stop to this behavior (had the shoe been on the other foot my ex and my family member would understand, under no uncertain terms, that their behavior was completely unwelcome).

This is just not the right time for any confrontations on the matter whatsoever, but I am truly beginning to feel that this whole environment is extremely unhealthy for my already fragile state of mind. I guess I am just asking for your thoughts and say what you think. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, I can take it. I don’t think anyone can be harder on me than I am on myself.

Or just positive thoughts and prayers will work too. I have to step out for a bit but will read your responses when I return. Sorry for the long story and thanks in advance for your input.
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Old 05-02-2016, 09:36 AM
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Sorry to hear about your situation Daisy. Staying away from alcohol seems like a very wise decision during this time.

I think the best thing you can do is simply tell the truth and try to focus on what you can control. You cannot and will never be able to control the actions or words of others, so leaving all the drama to play itself out is most likely the best. Reacting is exactly what she wants you to do, so don't play into it. Sounds like most of the rest of the family has already done the same with her, why not join them and simply ignore it. Work on staying sober - that's what will help you the most.
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Old 05-02-2016, 09:36 AM
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Sorry for your loss and struggles Daisyforever. I'm not very good on giving family advice, but I think this one starts and ends with your husband. If you haven't approached him with your thoughts and fears about his ex then it's probably time to do so.

He might not know you are feeling this way and go out of his way to make sure his ex isn't at the funeral if you approach him with it.

I know I would protect my wife at all cost if she had the same concern and approached me with it. I think you and your husband need to be united on this one going into the funeral. You can't just sweep your feelings under the rug just because your husband doesn't want to acknowledge them.

Good luck in this tough time.
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Old 05-02-2016, 09:41 AM
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These are troubling and challenging circumstances.

Often times, in troubling and challenging circumstances, our energies are best directed toward the question of our OWN best interest.

You cannot control your husband, his drinking, his level of concern over this situation. You cannot control the ex, the niece or whether or how either of them choose to comport themselves or attend the funeral.

What you CAN control is the thoughts you choose to allow in your head, the actions you take and whether or not you drink.

If I were in your shoes, I would focus on keeping myself healthy.... letting go those things I could not control... communicating my concerns and specific requests to my spouse - but not obsessing over them. Recognizing I may not get the answer or the reaction I hoped for or felt I needed - I would hone in on what I could do for myself.

Then, I would do that.... and would do my best to honor the situation as it was, putting faith in the notion that things unfold as they should - even when we dislike them.

I wish you the best in coping with your grief and caring for yourself in the things you most need right now.


Hang in there, don't drink. It won't help I promise.

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Old 05-02-2016, 09:43 AM
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Obviously your family's dynamics are different than mine, but I can't imagine that someone on the periphery of my family, a mere niece, would have the ability to unseat my well being.

Be there for your husband, who has lost his mom. Go to the funeral, avoid this person, and leave. Don't create a further crisis of your own in the midst of a one--the death of a family member.
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Old 05-02-2016, 10:07 AM
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Hi Daisy, I'm sorry for your loss.

Here's my perspective. When I married my first husband he had an ex girlfriend who kept in touch with him. I hated it. I felt like she was interfering and getting support from my former mother in law. I lost sleep over it.

It wasn't worth it. It didn't matter. The drama was all smoke and mirrors really. Fear that I allowed to grow in my head.

I had to learn that you rise above it. You are better than to get involved in it. If the ex shows up at the funeral? So what. Maybe she's honoring a woman who was her mother in law for seven years. Maybe she's coming because she's curious. Maybe she's a trouble maker. At this point you're letting your fear of what might happen carry you away. Take a deep breath. Focus on supporting your husband and his family. Take care of yourself. You can do it.
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Old 05-02-2016, 10:15 AM
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Others have already said what little advice I might have, but just wanted you to know that you and husband are in my thoughts and prayers today.
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Old 05-02-2016, 10:36 AM
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I think you can, and will, handle it with grace and dignity. If you cave in and drink, I believe the grace and dignity might go out the window. Rooting for you.
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Old 05-02-2016, 11:08 AM
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It just doesn't seem like a good time to try to talk to him about it. As much as I would like to, I think he is already overwhelmed and when he is drinking he gets super emotional about it and there just doesn't seem to be anything productive that is going to come from any conversation about it, whatsoever. I wish that wasn't the case.

I feel like all my skins been stripped away and I'm just a big exposed nerve right now. I am an addict and by far my worst tormentor is my very own mind and it is a terrible thing to try to managed. The AV tells me it is just going to be horrible, everything is going to go to hell and I am not going to be able to control it and the sober me says, as many of you have echoed, that I can certainly control what *I* do, and not drinking is a huge step in the right direction. Huge. Beyond that, what can I really do.

He is a loving and supportive husband in many ways but like any other person he has his flaws. I guess what hurts is not so much the niece's and the ex's antics but his response (or lack thereof) to it. For 15 years I have worked to help support his mom, who was always disabled and in poor health through our whole marriage, I always helped make sure she had what she needed and everything she wanted, to the best of my ability. I contributed to her well being right along with my husband, not just in terms of money but also in terms of just spending time with her, and I am grieving too and I just feel like I do not matter. Like I was good enough to help support her but not good enough to have any consideration for my own feelings through all of this. Hard to separate the AV from reality though, to tell you the truth.

Anyway I thank you all for sharing your thoughts.
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Old 05-02-2016, 12:05 PM
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I think there are two importent things to remember to preserve your sanity.

1) who you are doing this for and why. Hopefully you are doing this for your dead mother-in-law. To honour her memory. And because it is the best thing that you can do at this time.

2) that you cannot change anyone. Not they way they are or how they behave. Any time and energy spent on wishful thinking about this just detracts time and energy from your own recovery and from the task at hand. It doesn't sound like any of these people are behaving in ways that they haven't already behaved for years. Why would you, at this point in time, expect them to behave any differently? Acceptance is sometimes the best gift thaf we can give ourselves in order to preserve our sanity.

In times like these I use a Do It Anyway prayer (adapted from something I believe was written by Mother Teresa and hung on the wall in her orphanage ). It might be helpful to you as well, so here it is.

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.


Anyway. I send you my condolences and regret, and my prayers for your sustained recovery and strength at this time.
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Old 05-02-2016, 12:08 PM
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Thank you. Perfect. Wish I could tape this to my forehead and let it seep into my brain via osmosis. Ha ha.
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Old 05-02-2016, 12:40 PM
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I am going to a meeting after work. I know when I get home my husband will be there with his big old bottle of rum. I hate to leave during his time of need but it is only an hour and I really really need to stop letting this completely overwhelm me, what the hell is wrong with me?
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Old 05-02-2016, 12:46 PM
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If you don't look after yourself and your sobriety then you may not be able to help anyone else. As I've heard said - "Once the pot's empty then no one will get any tea!!"

X

Besides, as you very well know. Once he's drinking nothing you say or do will make any difference anyway.
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Old 05-02-2016, 12:47 PM
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I'm sorry for your loss Daisy.

I hope you can focus on supporting your husband through the funeral for his mother.
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Old 05-02-2016, 11:42 PM
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Sorry for your loss Daisy
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Old 05-05-2016, 01:20 PM
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Thank you all again very much. Made it through before, during and after the service without drinking. Lots of folks were indulging in pre and post funeral drinks and I watched wistfully as they all bellied up to the bar however I noticed most everyone just had a drink or two, at the most three. Three for me would have just left me very agitated and instead of honoring my mother in law I would just want to rush through it all to get back to drinking. Had I decided to join them I would have ended up drinking six, eight or maybe even twelve and it would have been a nightmare. Because I did not drink I was able to avoid the crazy niece and truly be there for those who mattered. The ex did not attend. It turned out to be a very nice service and most of my fears were completely unfounded. Thank you all again for your support.
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Old 05-05-2016, 01:29 PM
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I'm glad it turned out better than you expected.
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Old 05-05-2016, 01:37 PM
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Daisy I am so happy that everything went smoothly. Great job staying strong, that is not easy to do especially when we are dealing with something as emotional as the death of a loved one.

You stayed sober and were able to be there for your husband and situations are a lot less dramatic when we are sober.

You are def. going in the right direction. The fact that everyone was drinking and instead of thinking "Everyone is drinking this is not fair" you looked at the situation and saw that those people only had one or two drinks and that it wouldn't have been like that for you. That is a HUGE break though to be able to see a situation and realize what would happen if you drank.

Keep moving forward, I am sorry for you loss. You are a lot stronger then you think, you can do this!
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Old 05-05-2016, 01:41 PM
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Daisy, thanks for the update. It's good to hear that things went well.
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Old 05-05-2016, 02:00 PM
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Well done Daisy. Notch another one up, that was a great outcome.

Am sorry for your loss.
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