PAINLESS66

I will have 2 full years clean on March 16th... about an hour has passed since i wrote that first sentence... Didnt know where to begin... Its been a long 2 years and there were several times where my anger had me in fits of rage to where I wanted to use to stop the mental stress but each time all it took was for me to think about a woman that lives in Queens NY that will forever hold my heart till the day I die and meet the child we lost in Heaven... I lost the love of my life to lying and drug use... its been 2 full years and theres not a day that passes where my heart dosent hurt and all the "what if's" start kicking my ass... What if I only told her the truth??? What if I went to detox when she first found out I was using? what if... what if... There are no WHAT IF'S anymore... I killed a love that I will never again ever come across. I destroyed my soul mate... Theres nothing I would not do right now to have her forgive me and give me a second chance... They say time heals all wounds??? Been almost 2 full years and my heart still pounds at the thought of her beautiful face... I deserve this hell im in. No one but me did this. I use that loss as my daily strength because for me to break weak and pick up a needle and loose all my clean time is just not worth the cheap high. My self respect is much more valuable and so is yours whose reading this... TT if you read this know I still love you and that Im so very sorry... NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE YOUR PLACE... It would be nice just to see you for lunch one day... The only advice I can possibly hand down to anyone is that YOU MUST WANT TO BE CLEAN MORE THEN ANYTHING YOU EVER WANTED... Its not easy... Theres not a day that passes where I dont have a yearn for the feel of the needle pricking my skin. I had a 20 year on and off again heroin habit and the only reason I got clean was at first for the woman I loved but then i realized i had to do it for myself. I pray to god that the sick and suffering will seek help and that they will find it like i have. Its not easy. this is a disease we will carry to the grave. There is no cure. Take it one second at a time at first till you can handle minutes, hours, a day... days,a week, weeks months and then years... and even then... sometimes u take it day by day... God bless us all... Everyone... i love and miss my other half...

Upward2Enlightenment

Congratulations on 2 years painless. I'm about a month behind you.

I agree with you about having to do it for yourself. If I didn't, I would not be here today.

Just remember, you never know what tomorrow brings. Love and hope are extremely powerful.
Also, I'm sorry about the loss of your child.

Best wishes

Dee74

Congratulations PAINLESS
I hope this is the year you'll find redemption and self-forgiveness for all those things in your past.

D

least

Congrats on two years clean. I hope you can find some peace of mind.

Hevyn

Painless, thank you for your heartfelt post - I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

None of us sets out to destroy our lives - it's impossible to know where it will lead when we begin to use or drink. We didn't set out to hurt those we love. No one would choose this painful journey we've been on. I agree that you must work on forgiving yourself. Glad to hear from you, & congrats on your hard earned 2 yrs.

PurpleKnight

2 Years is fantastic Painless!!

PAINLESS66

well... 2 years has passed and today i broke up with the girl i was with for the past couple years. My heart never belonged to her because i was and am still in love with a lady from Queens NY. I tried to love this women but when your heart is somewhere else its almost impossible to love another. The women in Queens holds my heart and will till the day i die but I destroyed that poor woman with lie after lie. I dont blame her in the least for leaving me. She had to do what she had to do to make her life better without me in it. I just always pray that oneday shell give me a call and agree to meet the real me... the mad she once fell in love with... men... the problem with wanting something or someone is still wanting it after you get it back... remember those words... as far as staying clean goes... its still and always will be a daily fight. theres not a day that goes by where the pain i have in my left knee screams for me to pick up the needle and use. I JUST CANT DO THAT... I WONT DO THAT... Id rather die in pain then to cause any harm to those that love me. My girl told me today that I should go back to using and get high so that it kills me... Thats when I told her that no matter how mad ive ever gotten at anyone that I would never tell anyone to do something like that. She knows how I suffer with pain and that one shot would take that all away from me and allow me to have a day of peace and comfort... I told her that i cant be with someone wishing me to fail so Im going my own way and keeping on the righteous path. i almost had a relapse because my stupid doctor prescribed me ULTRAM for a broken rib and the idiot in me never bothered to look it up. i took it as prescribed and then the next day after i ran out i started to get dope sick. I know that dope sick feeling all too well so i took Subutex for 3 days on a weening schedual and its been 5 days since i went off of that and im absolutely fine with no cravings at all... i restarted my clean time calander so im 5 days clean now. many people dont count that as using but I DO. Im not proud at all but im very sad. i feel like ive let myself down and everyone else... i had no idea ultram would do this to me and i specifically told the doctor my past drug use history.. NEVER TAKE A DRUG YOUR NOT EDUCATED ON... NEVER... THIS IS MY FAULT AND IS WHY IM ADMITTING TO USING... ILL BE OK... ILL MAKE IT ANOTHER YEAR CLEAN... I PROMISE ALL OF YOU I WONT LET YOU DOWN and i wont allow anyone to push me to use. the only person that can make me use again is me and i wont let that happen... i cant let that happen... TT... I have never stopped loving you... i wish i could just see you for lunch so you could truly see the changes i chose to make and the outcome of those said changes... i think you would be happy for me... I pray you have a beautiful life...

endlesspatience

Sounds like a lot of stuff going on here. Firstly, you've split up with someone you were in a relationship with. Secondly, you've been thinking a lot about someone who's not available, I think. And thirdly you are worried about pain in your knee.

We can probably help you get through all this and support your decision to avoid taking drugs in a dangerous and couter-productive way. At the moment though it seems as though it might be a good idea to write down what you would you most like to change to live a better life.

Anna

Congratulations on 2 years clean!

I hope that you can forgive yourself for your past and move on and enjoy life. You deserve some peace.