I just don’t know how to do this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego
Posts: 15
I just don’t know how to do this
Hi there,
I am definitely an alcoholic. It’s not even a question. It is going to kill me. But I don’t know how to fix it.
I drink at least a bottle of wine a day. At least. Usually it’s more like two. I can drink three easily. I have had days where I drank small amounts of beer, vodka throughout the shift, then a cocktail, then a bottle of wine at home. It’s disgusting and it is killing me. I would say that easily 80 percent of my caloric intake is from alcohol, maybe more.
I started drinking socially in my twenties, no real issue. Then I entered into a relationship (which began with ironic heartbreak from the ending of the previous relationship) where drinking was kind of what we did, really. I started drinking more heavily. We got into crazy screaming, plate-throwing fights. We were both arrested, on separate occasions, for DV although both charges were dropped by the DA. He got a DUI. I never have, but I will eventually. I know that.
Then, we separated after 7 years, less than a year ago. I found out I might not be able to have children. I caught him cheating. All at the same time. I left him and his two kids that I raised in my house for half of the week for 7 years, from when they were just 1 and 3. I basically lost everything.
The pain that I went through—I couldn’t sleep through the night, I couldn’t make it through five minutes without just pain, just excruciating heartbreak pain—it tripled my already ridiculous drinking behavior. I would literally drink throughout my entire shift, secretly, of course. I would wake in the night and drink. I would drink and entire bottle of wine before I even came into my PM shift and then continue to drink throughout, with another bottle of wine at 3:00am when I came home. I started smoking cigarettes again. Really??? I crashed my car at a pole at the gas station. I started performing horribly at work, crazy wild mood swings, and then I just quit. I just quit, walked out, right to start drinking, again. I acted like an idiot at a party. I acted like an idiot at another party. I did the stupidest, just stupid stuff, even promiscuous and just ridiculous stuff. Garbage human being.
Everything bad in my life is because of alcohol and it’s not the alcohol’s fault—it’s mine. Now I’m in this place where I have crazy anxiety, basically a terrible hangover everyday and like this overwhelming sense of dread and heartache, alleviated only once I start drinking again. I WANT TO STOP but my own body is just revolting against me.
I just don’t know what to do, but this cannot go on. It is going to kill me and I don’t know what to do. And I’m in another relationship with a complete idiot who I have caught cheating three times already (although he lies about it, of course), and I’m like—whatever. It’s like I don’t even care. This is no life, I can’t do this anymore. I want my old self back, I just don’t know how to find her again. I am just drowning, literally, drowning myself, just disgustingly, just completely gross and disgusting and an embarrassment. The thing is none of my friends, my family—no one seems to see. Well, yet, I guess. Maybe I’m good at it, but you know: I’m now jobless, crashed car, super unhealthy, gaining weight, totally disgusted with myself, with another idiot who doesn’t care about me (and I hide my drinking from him also, by the way. Doesn’t even know it’s not coffee in my coffee cup). Stupid. I just want this to end, but even as I write this I feel so ill that I just want to drink a bit to make it go away. And I want the pain in my heart to just go away. And I want to just neglect every responsibility like living life is a nuisance in itself.
My family and friends don’t see this about me. They see me as fun, they think I’m motivated and happy. All of the 200 employees I had as a manager, they all see me as the caring one, the fun one, happy-go-lucky, always smiling, etc. They see my quitting as like some brave step that I took to move my life forward. They think I’m just this awesome person who did awesome things and is doing awesome things. But I’m not. I’m just a garbage person, in a garbage relationship which I’m allowing because I can’t deal with it, I actually can’t deal with anything, can’t even go and get my phone fixed and it has been broken for a week. Even the grocery store is like an accomplishment--and yes, it’s usually just because I ran out of wine.
What happened to me? I DON’T WANT THIS STUPID LIFE AND I HATE DRINKING. I hate it and I want it to go away, so that I can live life normally, be happy, be real, instead of just faking it for everyone else’s benefit. This is going to kill me. I need help.
Thank you for reading. Any, any, any advice would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I am definitely an alcoholic. It’s not even a question. It is going to kill me. But I don’t know how to fix it.
I drink at least a bottle of wine a day. At least. Usually it’s more like two. I can drink three easily. I have had days where I drank small amounts of beer, vodka throughout the shift, then a cocktail, then a bottle of wine at home. It’s disgusting and it is killing me. I would say that easily 80 percent of my caloric intake is from alcohol, maybe more.
I started drinking socially in my twenties, no real issue. Then I entered into a relationship (which began with ironic heartbreak from the ending of the previous relationship) where drinking was kind of what we did, really. I started drinking more heavily. We got into crazy screaming, plate-throwing fights. We were both arrested, on separate occasions, for DV although both charges were dropped by the DA. He got a DUI. I never have, but I will eventually. I know that.
Then, we separated after 7 years, less than a year ago. I found out I might not be able to have children. I caught him cheating. All at the same time. I left him and his two kids that I raised in my house for half of the week for 7 years, from when they were just 1 and 3. I basically lost everything.
The pain that I went through—I couldn’t sleep through the night, I couldn’t make it through five minutes without just pain, just excruciating heartbreak pain—it tripled my already ridiculous drinking behavior. I would literally drink throughout my entire shift, secretly, of course. I would wake in the night and drink. I would drink and entire bottle of wine before I even came into my PM shift and then continue to drink throughout, with another bottle of wine at 3:00am when I came home. I started smoking cigarettes again. Really??? I crashed my car at a pole at the gas station. I started performing horribly at work, crazy wild mood swings, and then I just quit. I just quit, walked out, right to start drinking, again. I acted like an idiot at a party. I acted like an idiot at another party. I did the stupidest, just stupid stuff, even promiscuous and just ridiculous stuff. Garbage human being.
Everything bad in my life is because of alcohol and it’s not the alcohol’s fault—it’s mine. Now I’m in this place where I have crazy anxiety, basically a terrible hangover everyday and like this overwhelming sense of dread and heartache, alleviated only once I start drinking again. I WANT TO STOP but my own body is just revolting against me.
I just don’t know what to do, but this cannot go on. It is going to kill me and I don’t know what to do. And I’m in another relationship with a complete idiot who I have caught cheating three times already (although he lies about it, of course), and I’m like—whatever. It’s like I don’t even care. This is no life, I can’t do this anymore. I want my old self back, I just don’t know how to find her again. I am just drowning, literally, drowning myself, just disgustingly, just completely gross and disgusting and an embarrassment. The thing is none of my friends, my family—no one seems to see. Well, yet, I guess. Maybe I’m good at it, but you know: I’m now jobless, crashed car, super unhealthy, gaining weight, totally disgusted with myself, with another idiot who doesn’t care about me (and I hide my drinking from him also, by the way. Doesn’t even know it’s not coffee in my coffee cup). Stupid. I just want this to end, but even as I write this I feel so ill that I just want to drink a bit to make it go away. And I want the pain in my heart to just go away. And I want to just neglect every responsibility like living life is a nuisance in itself.
My family and friends don’t see this about me. They see me as fun, they think I’m motivated and happy. All of the 200 employees I had as a manager, they all see me as the caring one, the fun one, happy-go-lucky, always smiling, etc. They see my quitting as like some brave step that I took to move my life forward. They think I’m just this awesome person who did awesome things and is doing awesome things. But I’m not. I’m just a garbage person, in a garbage relationship which I’m allowing because I can’t deal with it, I actually can’t deal with anything, can’t even go and get my phone fixed and it has been broken for a week. Even the grocery store is like an accomplishment--and yes, it’s usually just because I ran out of wine.
What happened to me? I DON’T WANT THIS STUPID LIFE AND I HATE DRINKING. I hate it and I want it to go away, so that I can live life normally, be happy, be real, instead of just faking it for everyone else’s benefit. This is going to kill me. I need help.
Thank you for reading. Any, any, any advice would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Tough situation and I feel for you.
What I know is alcohol takes a real toll on us/me mentally and physically all the while hurting people around me, it drops my admission, self esteem and sometimes my desire to go on, when I started to sober up the things I had done while on a three week binge came back to haunt me, that is where an addictions counselor came into play, twice a week at the start and now once a month.
I had to put a plan in place to stay sober then work that plan hard at first, I live it daily but i haven't thought of drinking in quite a while, it just takes time and work to get back on track.
Join an AA group or whatever it takes to get sober people in your life that can encourage you and people you can call in time of need, use this forum and anything you can get your hands on and it will happen.
I am happier today than I ever have been because I stick to my plan.
All the best
Andrew
What I know is alcohol takes a real toll on us/me mentally and physically all the while hurting people around me, it drops my admission, self esteem and sometimes my desire to go on, when I started to sober up the things I had done while on a three week binge came back to haunt me, that is where an addictions counselor came into play, twice a week at the start and now once a month.
I had to put a plan in place to stay sober then work that plan hard at first, I live it daily but i haven't thought of drinking in quite a while, it just takes time and work to get back on track.
Join an AA group or whatever it takes to get sober people in your life that can encourage you and people you can call in time of need, use this forum and anything you can get your hands on and it will happen.
I am happier today than I ever have been because I stick to my plan.
All the best
Andrew
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego
Posts: 15
Thank you for your kind response, Andrew
. Were you able to give up just like that? What I mean is, was your body able to just be alcohol free? If I drink only one bottle of wine I literally wake up a thousand times and have crazy nightmares, sweating and all. I cannot go to some inpatient thing, can't afford an outpatient thing. Wondering if I'm just making excuses or if it is really possible to just quit, just like that....
Thank you again for your response, I really appreciate it. Somehow I feel better for just having written it all down....
. Were you able to give up just like that? What I mean is, was your body able to just be alcohol free? If I drink only one bottle of wine I literally wake up a thousand times and have crazy nightmares, sweating and all. I cannot go to some inpatient thing, can't afford an outpatient thing. Wondering if I'm just making excuses or if it is really possible to just quit, just like that....Thank you again for your response, I really appreciate it. Somehow I feel better for just having written it all down....
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Steph and thanks for sharing your story - it's a familiar one to the folks here at SR and many of us have been through the same.
The good news is that there is a way out and you can chose it if you want to. It seems as though you recognized the problem and that is a very important step. The next step is to accept/acknowledge that the only possible solution is to quit and quit for good. And then to find a plan/program that works for you to learn to live a sober life. For some that means AA or other group meetings. Others seek detox/rehab. Some use counseling. Others use SR. There are self-paced methods as well.
The bottom line though is that you can absolutely be sober if you really want to, it's just going to take dedication and work. And we can help you along the way so ask lots of questions.
The good news is that there is a way out and you can chose it if you want to. It seems as though you recognized the problem and that is a very important step. The next step is to accept/acknowledge that the only possible solution is to quit and quit for good. And then to find a plan/program that works for you to learn to live a sober life. For some that means AA or other group meetings. Others seek detox/rehab. Some use counseling. Others use SR. There are self-paced methods as well.
The bottom line though is that you can absolutely be sober if you really want to, it's just going to take dedication and work. And we can help you along the way so ask lots of questions.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
get yourself some qualified help in detoxing.... if you have any way whatsoever to do so; get to rehab. If you managed 200 employees, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you have health insurance. Use it. Right now in response to that statement, you're probably hearing a burst of reasons that 'won't work' and a litany of inner messages about all the catastrophe and embarrassment that would result.
Ignore those voices. They're all just coming from the same place - the addict in your head who wants to kill you. This thing wants to kill you. To rob you of joy. To rob your life of presence and meaning and abundance and clarity and love and quality. It will tell you a hundred different ways that what I'm saying is not true..... but YOU KNOW IT IS.
Is this the life Little Girl You dreamed of?
Did you want to be chained to a bottle?
When you gazed out at the ocean as a child, did you think to yourself "I sure hope one day that of all the limitless potential my dreams could be made of.... of all the infinite possibilities out over that horizon and beyond.... I hope that where it all leads me is into a series of unhappy relationships and a life doomed to pouring toxic liquids down my throat and quietly loathing it all....?
I doubt it.
You've identified very clearly what needs to change.
There is nothing more important than this. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CHOOSE IT.
It's not enough to "want" it.
It's not enough to "hope" something changes....
You need to CHOOSE IT.
And you need to take action to support that choice.
From the sounds of it, to do so you will need support and experienced care because your body is physically addicted in addition to the addiction of the mind. You can screw around for several more years wishing and hoping and watching in horror at what your life gradually becomes.... maybe wind up dead or in prison....
OR....
YOU CAN STOP THIS MADNESS RIGHT NOW.
And you can turn it into something incredible.
Life is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous experience. EVERY DAY is a gift to make the very most of. You can feel that and experience that and BE that.....
All you need to do.... is choose it.
And get busy doing it.
Whatever it takes.
Now.
Ignore those voices. They're all just coming from the same place - the addict in your head who wants to kill you. This thing wants to kill you. To rob you of joy. To rob your life of presence and meaning and abundance and clarity and love and quality. It will tell you a hundred different ways that what I'm saying is not true..... but YOU KNOW IT IS.
Is this the life Little Girl You dreamed of?
Did you want to be chained to a bottle?
When you gazed out at the ocean as a child, did you think to yourself "I sure hope one day that of all the limitless potential my dreams could be made of.... of all the infinite possibilities out over that horizon and beyond.... I hope that where it all leads me is into a series of unhappy relationships and a life doomed to pouring toxic liquids down my throat and quietly loathing it all....?
I doubt it.
You've identified very clearly what needs to change.
There is nothing more important than this. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CHOOSE IT.
It's not enough to "want" it.
It's not enough to "hope" something changes....
You need to CHOOSE IT.
And you need to take action to support that choice.
From the sounds of it, to do so you will need support and experienced care because your body is physically addicted in addition to the addiction of the mind. You can screw around for several more years wishing and hoping and watching in horror at what your life gradually becomes.... maybe wind up dead or in prison....
OR....
YOU CAN STOP THIS MADNESS RIGHT NOW.
And you can turn it into something incredible.
Life is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous experience. EVERY DAY is a gift to make the very most of. You can feel that and experience that and BE that.....
All you need to do.... is choose it.
And get busy doing it.
Whatever it takes.
Now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego
Posts: 15
Thank you so much for your reply, Scott. It seems like there is a ton of info here and I really appreciate your kind words. I really, really want to turn this around for me. I would like to live one day without this crazy pain, in my heart, like a real physical sensation but also a metaphorical one. Just one day that I don't have to feel like this and I can move forward instead of trying to drown it away. I will keep reading and find the solution. I appreciate your words and your feedback, greatly. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 98
Welcome Steph. I am very familiar with the self-loathing, and the sense of being 2 people- the "together" person the rest of the world sees and the addicted person who obsesses about access to alcohol and wakes up filled with shame each morning. I recently did an inventory of the impact alcohol has had on my health, family, career, finances, friendships, and happiness. Wow. Try it. Write it down.
You have lots of options to begin the journey to being happy and healthy. The easiest option, truly, is to find a good rehab hospital and go there. You can work 24/7 on getting healthy, will be medically supervised through withdrawals, and the rest of the world can go on hold. I know that sounds nuts and extreme but honestly it is not. Check with your insurance and see if you have any options, and then read a LOT to find the right place. Look for "evidence based" in their description. GO. I know, you have kids, you have responsibilities, work, etc. A couple of weeks away will allow you to manage all of those 1000% times better than you are today. Believe it or not, many find it enjoyable and a huge relief to just focus on getting better and to be with people who "get it."
The second easiest is to try intensive outpatient treatment, again supervised. This is what I did. At 2-3 bottles of wine, supervision and maybe medical help can stave off DTs and other withdrawal symptoms. A good IOP program will drug and urine test you to hold you accountable, help you address underlying issues, etc. Many can work around your work schedule. You will get cognitive skills, medical help, support, etc. You can get medicine to help with stress and sleep and cravings, but in a supervised setting so you don't substitute one problem for another. You can be with people who understand you and let go of the shame.
Third, do it on your own with support. Look at SMART (online especially) if you are a very logical person who wants tools. Look at AA for support. I don't agree with all of AA but it is everywhere and there are good people who know what you are going through.
Forth, do it on your own, alone, with people around you who don't get it and don't believe you have a problem. This is the hard way. So hard.
You made the first step just by posting. Good for you.
You have lots of options to begin the journey to being happy and healthy. The easiest option, truly, is to find a good rehab hospital and go there. You can work 24/7 on getting healthy, will be medically supervised through withdrawals, and the rest of the world can go on hold. I know that sounds nuts and extreme but honestly it is not. Check with your insurance and see if you have any options, and then read a LOT to find the right place. Look for "evidence based" in their description. GO. I know, you have kids, you have responsibilities, work, etc. A couple of weeks away will allow you to manage all of those 1000% times better than you are today. Believe it or not, many find it enjoyable and a huge relief to just focus on getting better and to be with people who "get it."
The second easiest is to try intensive outpatient treatment, again supervised. This is what I did. At 2-3 bottles of wine, supervision and maybe medical help can stave off DTs and other withdrawal symptoms. A good IOP program will drug and urine test you to hold you accountable, help you address underlying issues, etc. Many can work around your work schedule. You will get cognitive skills, medical help, support, etc. You can get medicine to help with stress and sleep and cravings, but in a supervised setting so you don't substitute one problem for another. You can be with people who understand you and let go of the shame.
Third, do it on your own with support. Look at SMART (online especially) if you are a very logical person who wants tools. Look at AA for support. I don't agree with all of AA but it is everywhere and there are good people who know what you are going through.
Forth, do it on your own, alone, with people around you who don't get it and don't believe you have a problem. This is the hard way. So hard.
You made the first step just by posting. Good for you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Steph2016 
Thank you so much for your reply, Scott. It seems like there is a ton of info here and I really appreciate your kind words. I really, really want to turn this around for me. I would like to live one day without this crazy pain, in my heart, like a real physical sensation but also a metaphorical one. Just one day that I don't have to feel like this and I can move forward instead of trying to drown it away. I will keep reading and find the solution. I appreciate your words and your feedback, greatly. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Originally Posted by Steph2016
I am definitely an alcoholic. It’s not even a question. It is going to kill me. But I don’t know how to fix it.
I am impressed by your insight into your problem. It took me 20+ years of heavy drinking before I got to where you are today.
Poke around, read others' stories, and take advantage of the tools that SR has to offer.
You have taken the first step toward a much, much better life. Welcome. I am glad you are here with us.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 20
You are not garbage! Please don't think that about yourself. You need to be loving towards yourself the way you would to a friend who is spiraling out of control. Can you do one thing today in support of getting sober? Just one thing? Today is my day 1. People have suggested I call my dr and get the proper medical support. Can you do that? I'll do it if you do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego
Posts: 15
Wow, FreeOwl. That was amazing. You are one hundred percent correct. And I am afraid, I am afraid of living with and living without. I am literally panicking reading your words, so that must mean that I am keeping myself from making the right choice, even though I know it's the right choice to make. I literally feel like throwing up right now, reading your words. You are right, I am terrified, I am making excuses, and I am scared to death. Scared of anyone finding out that it is literally this bad and I am killing myself. I am so scared of anyone seeing me the way that I really am.
I also appreciate the advice to seek help with detox as yet another fear, I'm scared of dying in my sleep or something. Of course most nights, I could also die in my sleep if there is a fire or something, since I'm blacked out, all alone.
Anyway, thank you for your words and thank you for listening. The fact that I am freaking out right now is pretty indicative of a major problem. I have said to others that I drink too much and they're like, "No you don't, don't even trip.". But I totally do. And I am totally afraid. Thank you for calling me out
I also appreciate the advice to seek help with detox as yet another fear, I'm scared of dying in my sleep or something. Of course most nights, I could also die in my sleep if there is a fire or something, since I'm blacked out, all alone.
Anyway, thank you for your words and thank you for listening. The fact that I am freaking out right now is pretty indicative of a major problem. I have said to others that I drink too much and they're like, "No you don't, don't even trip.". But I totally do. And I am totally afraid. Thank you for calling me out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by jseattle
Welcome Steph. I am very familiar with the self-loathing, and the sense of being 2 people- the "together" person the rest of the world sees and the addicted person who obsesses about access to alcohol and wakes up filled with shame each morning. I recently did an inventory of the impact alcohol has had on my health, family, career, finances, friendships, and happiness. Wow. Try it. Write it down.
You have lots of options to begin the journey to being happy and healthy. The easiest option, truly, is to find a good rehab hospital and go there. You can work 24/7 on getting healthy, will be medically supervised through withdrawals, and the rest of the world can go on hold. I know that sounds nuts and extreme but honestly it is not. Check with your insurance and see if you have any options, and then read a LOT to find the right place. Look for "evidence based" in their description. GO. I know, you have kids, you have responsibilities, work, etc. A couple of weeks away will allow you to manage all of those 1000% times better than you are today. Believe it or not, many find it enjoyable and a huge relief to just focus on getting better and to be with people who "get it."
The second easiest is to try intensive outpatient treatment, again supervised. This is what I did. At 2-3 bottles of wine, supervision and maybe medical help can stave off DTs and other withdrawal symptoms. A good IOP program will drug and urine test you to hold you accountable, help you address underlying issues, etc. Many can work around your work schedule. You will get cognitive skills, medical help, support, etc. You can get medicine to help with stress and sleep and cravings, but in a supervised setting so you don't substitute one problem for another. You can be with people who understand you and let go of the shame.
Third, do it on your own with support. Look at SMART (online especially) if you are a very logical person who wants tools. Look at AA for support. I don't agree with all of AA but it is everywhere and there are good people who know what you are going through.
Forth, do it on your own, alone, with people around you who don't get it and don't believe you have a problem. This is the hard way. So hard.
You made the first step just by posting. Good for you.
You have lots of options to begin the journey to being happy and healthy. The easiest option, truly, is to find a good rehab hospital and go there. You can work 24/7 on getting healthy, will be medically supervised through withdrawals, and the rest of the world can go on hold. I know that sounds nuts and extreme but honestly it is not. Check with your insurance and see if you have any options, and then read a LOT to find the right place. Look for "evidence based" in their description. GO. I know, you have kids, you have responsibilities, work, etc. A couple of weeks away will allow you to manage all of those 1000% times better than you are today. Believe it or not, many find it enjoyable and a huge relief to just focus on getting better and to be with people who "get it."
The second easiest is to try intensive outpatient treatment, again supervised. This is what I did. At 2-3 bottles of wine, supervision and maybe medical help can stave off DTs and other withdrawal symptoms. A good IOP program will drug and urine test you to hold you accountable, help you address underlying issues, etc. Many can work around your work schedule. You will get cognitive skills, medical help, support, etc. You can get medicine to help with stress and sleep and cravings, but in a supervised setting so you don't substitute one problem for another. You can be with people who understand you and let go of the shame.
Third, do it on your own with support. Look at SMART (online especially) if you are a very logical person who wants tools. Look at AA for support. I don't agree with all of AA but it is everywhere and there are good people who know what you are going through.
Forth, do it on your own, alone, with people around you who don't get it and don't believe you have a problem. This is the hard way. So hard.
You made the first step just by posting. Good for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by Steph2016
If I drink only one bottle of wine I literally wake up a thousand times and have crazy nightmares, sweating and all. I cannot go to some inpatient thing, can't afford an outpatient thing. Wondering if I'm just making excuses or if it is really possible to just quit, just like that....
You have an illness, like cancer or diabetes, and you need a doctor. There is no shame. You say you "can't" go to rehab (in patient or out) - ask yourself if you can afford NOT to. At least, please, find a doctor.
Once you have detoxed, you can deal with the underlying addiction issues but you are sick right now.
It will help you a lot also to share what is going on with a professional, you will shed the shame. They have heard it ALL, I promise. ALL. Drinking vanilla and using apple juice for urine tests. You can't shock them and they won't judge you, and they will allow you to stop judging yourself.
I am sorry for what you are going through. You really can get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Steph2016
Wow, FreeOwl. That was amazing. You are one hundred percent correct. And I am afraid, I am afraid of living with and living without. I am literally panicking reading your words, so that must mean that I am keeping myself from making the right choice, even though I know it's the right choice to make. I literally feel like throwing up right now, reading your words. You are right, I am terrified, I am making excuses, and I am scared to death. Scared of anyone finding out that it is literally this bad and I am killing myself. I am so scared of anyone seeing me the way that I really am.
I also appreciate the advice to seek help with detox as yet another fear, I'm scared of dying in my sleep or something. Of course most nights, I could also die in my sleep if there is a fire or something, since I'm blacked out, all alone.
Anyway, thank you for your words and thank you for listening. The fact that I am freaking out right now is pretty indicative of a major problem. I have said to others that I drink too much and they're like, "No you don't, don't even trip.". But I totally do. And I am totally afraid. Thank you for calling me out
I also appreciate the advice to seek help with detox as yet another fear, I'm scared of dying in my sleep or something. Of course most nights, I could also die in my sleep if there is a fire or something, since I'm blacked out, all alone.
Anyway, thank you for your words and thank you for listening. The fact that I am freaking out right now is pretty indicative of a major problem. I have said to others that I drink too much and they're like, "No you don't, don't even trip.". But I totally do. And I am totally afraid. Thank you for calling me out
In that 2.5 years of sobriety, so much has changed.... life is so much richer.... I can look back on those days and see how 'off my path' I was.
You can do this, Steph.... yes, it's scary. But so is spending the rest of your life like this (and worse.....).
There is a voice inside.... underneath all that scary.... underneath all that what-if.... underneath all the arguments and the rationale and the "BUT I JUST NEED TO CUT BACK" and the "EVERYONE SAYS YOU'RE FINE".... beyond all the objections and the excuses.... there is a voice inside, telling you the quiet truth.... begging you.... asking for you to stand up for her.
Listen to THAT voice.
Be there for THAT voice.
Be THAT voice's friend and advocate.....
YOU ARE WORTH IT AND SO IS SHE.
DO it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by JLC120
You are not garbage! Please don't think that about yourself. You need to be loving towards yourself the way you would to a friend who is spiraling out of control. Can you do one thing today in support of getting sober? Just one thing? Today is my day 1. People have suggested I call my dr and get the proper medical support. Can you do that? I'll do it if you do it!
. Today is ground zero for me and I am going to see what my medical options are. I'll let you know and good luck Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
two and a half years ago.... I was very much like you.
In that 2.5 years of sobriety, so much has changed.... life is so much richer.... I can look back on those days and see how 'off my path' I was.
You can do this, Steph.... yes, it's scary. But so is spending the rest of your life like this (and worse.....).
There is a voice inside.... underneath all that scary.... underneath all that what-if.... underneath all the arguments and the rationale and the "BUT I JUST NEED TO CUT BACK" and the "EVERYONE SAYS YOU'RE FINE".... beyond all the objections and the excuses.... there is a voice inside, telling you the quiet truth.... begging you.... asking for you to stand up for her.
Listen to THAT voice.
Be there for THAT voice.
Be THAT voice's friend and advocate.....
YOU ARE WORTH IT AND SO IS SHE.
DO it.
In that 2.5 years of sobriety, so much has changed.... life is so much richer.... I can look back on those days and see how 'off my path' I was.
You can do this, Steph.... yes, it's scary. But so is spending the rest of your life like this (and worse.....).
There is a voice inside.... underneath all that scary.... underneath all that what-if.... underneath all the arguments and the rationale and the "BUT I JUST NEED TO CUT BACK" and the "EVERYONE SAYS YOU'RE FINE".... beyond all the objections and the excuses.... there is a voice inside, telling you the quiet truth.... begging you.... asking for you to stand up for her.
Listen to THAT voice.
Be there for THAT voice.
Be THAT voice's friend and advocate.....
YOU ARE WORTH IT AND SO IS SHE.
DO it.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Welcome Steph2016
Your post really resonated with me. You have landed in the best possible place, here at SR. There is much support and practical help and many kind and knowledgeable folks here to offer it and to help you find a better (sober!) way to live.
I am 57 years old and have been sober for 1 year and 4 months. I drank for most of my life and have had many, many horror stories come to life because I drank but I am sober today and now am starting to build up happy stories that tell my life.
You can do this, your life is so worth it
Your post really resonated with me. You have landed in the best possible place, here at SR. There is much support and practical help and many kind and knowledgeable folks here to offer it and to help you find a better (sober!) way to live.
I am 57 years old and have been sober for 1 year and 4 months. I drank for most of my life and have had many, many horror stories come to life because I drank but I am sober today and now am starting to build up happy stories that tell my life.
You can do this, your life is so worth it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Welcome Steph, lots of good advice here. I would strongly encourage you to take the advice and get yourself right with the world again. You can do it, but it requires action, and dedication. Its the best gift you can give yourself.
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