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I've hit rock bottom....

Old 02-21-2016, 02:49 PM
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I've hit rock bottom....

Hello, hard to believe I am posting in this group. I literally feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. I'm a 32 year old female. Professional. On paper I seem to have everything going for me. However, a man I am very much in love with has walked away from me after 7 months. Two and a half months ago had a blackout incident where I ended up lashing out at my boyfriend. The next day he told me if it happened again he would not be able to stay with me. Well, Thursday night it happened again. I don't understand what happened and I'm mortified at my behavior. The evening started out simple enough, I got off work early so I figured I'd crack open a bottle of wine and start dinner. He came over for dinner we eat together then he went back to his place and I was to join him in an hour. Needless to say I didn't make it over for three hours at that point I was blackout I don't even remember getting there. Rest assured we live a few buildings apart so I just walked over. No driving. Apparently I said some terrible disgusting things to him and he has had enough. I woke up Friday morning at 4 a.m. because I had to fly home to visit my family. I didn't have a time to chat with him in the morning as I was rushing out. However, I had the sinking feeling that something terrible had happened. As I sobered up on the plane I really started to get this nagging feeling that I've really ****** it up. Sure enough 24 hours later I received a text message from him telling me he is over with this relationship. I I am beyond devastated. I feel like I've had a double whammy. First getting dumped, and then realizing like an avalanche is falling on top of you that I have a drinking problem. To be fair I've always sort of known it was an issue its just denial is a wonderful thing. I am so lost. I love this man with all my heart I would do anything to get him back. He told me in a text message to not bother calling him because he has already blocked my number. I wrote back one message saying I don't blame him for leaving me and I will not bother him. I'm too mortified and embarrassed to reach out. I definitely have done enough damage. I feel so so lost and confused. I really did see this man as my future husband.... I have no idea what to do now. Heartbroken
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:55 PM
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Welcome to the family.

If he's said not to contact him, don't contact him. Respect his boundaries. I'm sorry your relationship had to end, but apparently you crossed a line that he won't tolerate.

Best thing you can do for yourself right now would be to stop drinking for good. If you're sober, these things won't happen to you to cause you problems and heartache.

I hope the support here can help you get sober for good. It takes effort and changes but it's so worth it.
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:06 PM
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Welcome to SR, 6Six.

We're part of this community because addiction had a hold on us. The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. Putting a stake in the ground and make the last time you drank the last time ever. There is a lot of support here to help you.
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:12 PM
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The good news is that things don't ever have to be this bad again...ever...for the rest of your life.

Get up, get a meeting, even if it's an online one.

Cry.
Get Angry.
Look at yourself in the mirror, promise to never look at that person you are now again.

I know you're heartbroken, and I understand. My fiance left me 18 months ago, because she had enough. But you have to concentrate on you. You have to make YOU better, before anything else. This may take months, it may take years. This is a process.

Just know that you're not a lone, there are many people here who want you to succeed, who want you to do amazing things.

You can do this. You can make a better life. So here we go!
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:20 PM
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I also lost someone I loved very much due to my drinking. Bottom line is...you need to accept this consequence and make your mind up this is the very last thing you will ever lose due to alcohol.

There will be a bright future for you ahead if and only if you stop drinking. If you don't stop drinking, you will not find true love.

Whatever you do, don't stop drinking in the hope of getting him back. Do it for yourself and your future. The enemy is alcohol. Get angry at it and freeze it out of your life.
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:41 PM
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Thanks everyone. I'm still in shock, denial and extreme sadness. I feel so ashamed and disgusted in myself. How did this become my life? 😢
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:48 PM
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I am so sorry you are hurting. Once again, we see that alcohol is not our friend. I know you feel lost and ashamed, but stand proud, stand sober and forgive yourself. There is no need to beat yourself up. It is an addiction, and you can stop the madness. It is up to you at this point. I am glad you have joined us. I promise, the sober journey is so much better. We are all here for you. Welcome to SR.
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:54 PM
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I have ruined every serious relationship I've had due to my drinking. Like you. It was a blackout that usually was the straw that broke the camel's back. In one instance, my relationship ended with me being woken up from a drunken slumber by two police officers who promptly told me to start packing (it was her place).

I know how you're feeling now. Pretty worthless I'm sure. many of us here can relate as alcohol tends to be the 3rd person in a relationship. Give yourself permission to be miserable for a bit.
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Old 02-21-2016, 04:08 PM
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I felt blindsided when I finally accepted I was an alcoholic. How could I have let that happen to my life? I became alternately depressed and angry with myself for a long time. It didn't help at all. I hope that you will use this negative experience as a positive and make the changes in your life that you need. Take some time to make a plan to be sober and recover and focus on yourself. We're here to support you.
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Old 02-21-2016, 04:42 PM
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I too ruined a loving relationship with my drinking. I'm not quitting for her, but for me, and that would be my advice: Do it for yourself, you'll be happier inside your own skin.
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Old 02-21-2016, 10:42 PM
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Sorry to hear what happened, it's very familiar to me unfortunately. It sounds like you're just at the beginning of a journey of discovering what alcohol can and has done to you. It's scary stuff, I'm still on it, outpatient treatment, medication, counselling, I'm reaching out for all the help I can get, whilst still maintaining a job, house, family and "normal" life.

http://www.amazon.com/Blackout-Remem.../dp/1455554596

You might like to read this book, her telling of blacking out on a work trip to Paris is so real and raw, it's compelling.

Good luck, keep reading and posting here, it stops you feeling so alone and you can be as honest as you like with a bunch of strangers!
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Old 02-21-2016, 11:39 PM
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When it was time for me to quit drinking, I needed help. If you find that you can't quit on you own, know that there is help out there. I found a no-cost detox program and stayed there for a few days, and it changed my life.

Most communities have AA meetings, where there is a group of people ready to help you stay sober. The "Twelve Steps" of the AA program are specifically designed to help you get over the damage done to your life by your drinking. Give it a try!
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