Should I be honest with my wife?

Old 02-20-2016, 02:12 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Drinking magnifies the shame and self loathing. Once you let go of the booze, you will start to be able to get some balance. My suggestion is to get sobered up and talk with her in person. It will be more difficult for you, but I think doing so is more responsible and grown up unless you pose an immediate risk to yourself.
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Old 02-20-2016, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by JUK View Post
Thanks to you all for your replies and advice but to be honest the depths of shame and disgust I have sunk to are pretty unforgiveable
And drinking more and/or keeping secrets will only make that worse.

No one is here because they;re a choir boy JUK.

Whatever shame you have it's reflected in our experiences too - We understand

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Old 02-20-2016, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by SobrieTee View Post
Chances are your wife knows more than you think. We think we hide our addiction so well, but in reality those close to us know we have a problem and are worried about us. Your wife will probably be relieved if you open up to her and seek help
I think this is likely true. One thing I learned in IOP and also AA was how much our families knew about our drinking problem, despite our efforts to conceal. As long as you're sincere in wanting to get help (which definitely sounds like you are), and this is communicated to her, I think she'll be understanding and supportive.

Hang in there!
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Old 02-20-2016, 03:26 PM
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I'm thinking the question to ask yourself, is whether not telling your wife will mean you keep drinking, in the hope that she doesn't find out you have a problem. Because it will be hard, if not impossible, to quit without her noticing. I would suggest you need to say something to her if you're at all serious about stopping drinking.

You don't need to give your wife a full blow by blow account of all your drinking experiences. I wouldn't lie about anything, but for now you really just need to say that the amount you're drinking is worrying you, and you'd like to try sobriety. You think it would improve your life. This may or may not come as a surprise depending on how well you were hiding your problem drinking, so you might be pressed for more explanation than that, but it's up to you how much to reveal. At the end of the day, the decision to stop taking what is essentially a poison shouldn't be something you have to justify to anyone.

One thing is for sure, those feelings of shame will not disappear if you keep drinking, and trying to hide it from your wife. They'll just keep growing. The beauty of sobriety is knowing that never again will you do anything you haven't made a conscious, sober decision to do. And that is a fantastic feeling, believe me. I've had 9 months now of fully owning everything I've said and done. No blackouts, no sickening embarrassment or humiliations. My only regret about quitting is that I didn't do it 30 years ago.
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Old 02-20-2016, 03:27 PM
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Originally Posted by JUK View Post
Thanks to you all for your replies and advice but to be honest the depths of shame and disgust I have sunk to are pretty unforgiveable
The only thing you can do is ask forgiveness, and give proof of your sincerity by changing your behavior going forward. You cannot change the past. You can only do right by her moving forward. Own your misdeeds and don't repeat them.

Good luck, brotha.
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Old 02-20-2016, 04:02 PM
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It sounds to me like a big part of your anxiety about being honest with your wife is whatever it is you feel you have slipped on up at work. You may need a plan to deal with work as well, and it would be ideal if you can also discuss that with your wife once you have been open with her about the extent of your drinking.

Perhaps you need to come clean to someone at work - a supervisor or someone senior you can trust. This is a personal issue but if it is impacting you professionally, you may need to do this. Only you can judge how best to deal with this at work - but do yourself a favour and take shame out of the equation. The modern workplace is full of stress and addiction is often part of how we deal with that stress. Your employer has a duty towards you to make sure that you are well at work.

Coming here and telling us was the first step. Sobering up if you haven't done it already is next. Telling your wife is the important one after that. Dealing with the work issue is another step.

Step by step you can deal with the problems caused by drinking, but if it is one thing I learned, you cannot do it without being honest, being humble enough to ask for help and then accepting that help.

Things can get better. But you have to start moving in the right direction. All the best to you - you can do this.
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:52 AM
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Thanks to everyone for your replies. I really appreciate all your advice and it's given me a lot to think about. What hurts so much is trying to come to terms with the fact that for years I've been someone I'm not proud of and someone I don't respect. I don't know how to look myself in the mirror
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Old 02-21-2016, 04:41 AM
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You are not responsible for your brother having Downes Syndrome. Have you ever told your mother what a ridiculous and damaging thing that was to say? What planet? At some point get honest with your mother as well. Getting sober will offer you the opportunity to get honest with yourself and others and your negative self image will change. It is entirely liberating and does mean getting honest with yourself and your wife. Secrets are awful. I hope you get your work done. Work becomes easier too.
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Old 02-21-2016, 04:56 AM
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Most of us have been where you are and agree honesty is the only road to take, although the most difficult, because it means owning your problem and making it a priority. She may not believe you at first or say it's not that bad, but keeping to your plan needs to be the priority, no matter what others, including your wife, will say about it. Best to you and keep checking in! Definitely join the Class of February 2016 forum - finding friends at the same point in their sobriety as you are is extremely helpful.
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Old 02-21-2016, 05:08 AM
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Hi Juk,

You are preaching to the choir. I don't know how long I was stuck in the rut of not wanting to look at myself in the mirror. Over a decade, maybe two. A couple of years ago it got low. I absolutely hated myself and honestly didn't care if I lived or died. But thanks to working on recovery, not just quitting drinking, life has completely changed. If you put in the work it doesn't have to take long. In less than a year I went from wanting to die to having some self esteem and self confidence. More than I've ever had in my entire life.

Get to work. You don't have to live like this.
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Old 02-21-2016, 05:39 AM
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Things will get better with time JUK I really like D's last post as its the truth we get it I think we all had that going on not being able to face myself in the mirror etc I know I did

Were so in this together lean on us through this time it will pass I guarantee you that & give you my word

I can pull faces at myself in the mirror now don't know why I do that tho lol but that will come for you too we learn & through learning we learn to forgive ourselves

I'm still a work in progress but every day is another inch towards bettering myself

Rootin for you
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Old 02-21-2016, 09:05 AM
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Hi JUK, some very solid advice has been offered. I particularly think Dee nailed it right on the head.
To answer your question though, YES, I had a couple of very frank discussions with my wife, they were difficult but necessary. It helped me tremendously, it helped "us" tremendously. Things did not change overnight, but they steadily improved. I was always in the doghouse because of my drinking. Now I am not. I know it sounds cliche' to man up. But seriously, man up. You'll thank yourself.
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Old 02-21-2016, 09:47 AM
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You'll love that sober dude in the mirror if you choose to not drink. What will look damn good is that the bloatedness goes away pretty quickly. You'll be shocked by it. You wife may even notice. Good luck. Make a good choice
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