Should I be honest with my wife?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Should I be honest with my wife?
Hi all
I haven't been on here for a while but I'm in need of some advice
I've just spent two days drunk - mostly in bed watching netflix and drinking steadily until I passed out. It's nos Saturday morning and I'm determined not to drink today. I have a pile of work to get on with and my wife has taken our sons away for a few days so I could get on with my work with a quiet house. She doesn't realise I just used it as a chance to get drunk
I know why I did - things have been really stressful at work. I'm behind and have slipped up on quite a few things so there has been massive anxiety around - I just took the easy way out and tried to hide from it for two days. But I know I need to face up to it
Part of me wants to call my wife and tell her what has happened the last couple of days. She knows I drink but doesn't know how bad it is. Part of me wants to be honest with her but I am so scared she will lose respect for me. Think less of me, see me as less of a man.
I just don't know what to do - I don't have anyone in my life to talk to about this and I feel so afraid. Has anyone had a positive experience of being open with their wife/husband about it?
J
I haven't been on here for a while but I'm in need of some advice
I've just spent two days drunk - mostly in bed watching netflix and drinking steadily until I passed out. It's nos Saturday morning and I'm determined not to drink today. I have a pile of work to get on with and my wife has taken our sons away for a few days so I could get on with my work with a quiet house. She doesn't realise I just used it as a chance to get drunk
I know why I did - things have been really stressful at work. I'm behind and have slipped up on quite a few things so there has been massive anxiety around - I just took the easy way out and tried to hide from it for two days. But I know I need to face up to it
Part of me wants to call my wife and tell her what has happened the last couple of days. She knows I drink but doesn't know how bad it is. Part of me wants to be honest with her but I am so scared she will lose respect for me. Think less of me, see me as less of a man.
I just don't know what to do - I don't have anyone in my life to talk to about this and I feel so afraid. Has anyone had a positive experience of being open with their wife/husband about it?
J
She'll certainly think less of you if you don't tell her and it comes out later.
I think being a real man involves telling the truth - and not just when you think it will go down well?
This could be your opportunity to open up and get some real help.
D
I think being a real man involves telling the truth - and not just when you think it will go down well?
This could be your opportunity to open up and get some real help.
D
Hiding our alcoholism is ridiculous in my opinion, especially hiding it from a spouse or family member.
Be the man, tell her the truth. Get to a meeting today, get your work done.
This is the first day of the rest of your life...how will you choose to spend it?
Be the man, tell her the truth. Get to a meeting today, get your work done.
This is the first day of the rest of your life...how will you choose to spend it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Thanks for your replies. The hard thing for me is that I feel such shame and I don't know how to ever come to terms with that. I've lived with shame my whole life in one way or another.
When I was 2 my younger brother was born with Downs syndrome and from as young as I can remember my mother told me she thought it was my fault - because during the pregnancy she had to stay up through the night when my asthma was bad. I think for my whole life I've felt ashamed of who I am so to admit to something that just causes me more shame feels unbearable
And of course drinking helps me hide from the shame - if only for a short while
When I was 2 my younger brother was born with Downs syndrome and from as young as I can remember my mother told me she thought it was my fault - because during the pregnancy she had to stay up through the night when my asthma was bad. I think for my whole life I've felt ashamed of who I am so to admit to something that just causes me more shame feels unbearable
And of course drinking helps me hide from the shame - if only for a short while
Thanks for your replies. The hard thing for me is that I feel such shame and I don't know how to ever come to terms with that. I've lived with shame my whole life in one way or another.
When I was 2 my younger brother was born with Downs syndrome and from as young as I can remember my mother told me she thought it was my fault - because during the pregnancy she had to stay up through the night when my asthma was bad. I think for my whole life I've felt ashamed of who I am so to admit to something that just causes me more shame feels unbearable
And of course drinking helps me hide from the shame - if only for a short while
When I was 2 my younger brother was born with Downs syndrome and from as young as I can remember my mother told me she thought it was my fault - because during the pregnancy she had to stay up through the night when my asthma was bad. I think for my whole life I've felt ashamed of who I am so to admit to something that just causes me more shame feels unbearable
And of course drinking helps me hide from the shame - if only for a short while
I promise you there is no shame in getting help.
Man, when you get sober you figure how to deal with all the other **** that bothered you for so long. It's a tough tough road, but so worth it.
It was wrong of your mum to say that...but it would be equally as wrong for you to let that dictate your actions now 10 20 30 or however many years it is in your future, yeah?
Don't let one mistake compound another.
secrets and shame keep us sick. I held onto things my parents said to me too but I finally let them go once I stopped drinking.
It won't be a sudden change but you can absolutely decide not to be that way anymore
D
Don't let one mistake compound another.
secrets and shame keep us sick. I held onto things my parents said to me too but I finally let them go once I stopped drinking.
It won't be a sudden change but you can absolutely decide not to be that way anymore
D
Good advice here Juk. I agree that there is absolutely no shame in telling your wife, or in this addiction.
I was a very heavy drinking alcoholic, hid it from everyone for years... Although they knew I had a problem, just not to the extent that it had progressed in me.
Bottom line is when I told my wife, my parents, etc it was then that I really started to heal. Don't get me wrong, I don't broadcast my problem to the world, but I am definitely not ashamed to own up to it if it helps in my recovery. This is about you and your future. Think about what you want to get out of your tomorrow.
Best of luck and lean on this community. We are here to help each other through the tough times.
I was a very heavy drinking alcoholic, hid it from everyone for years... Although they knew I had a problem, just not to the extent that it had progressed in me.
Bottom line is when I told my wife, my parents, etc it was then that I really started to heal. Don't get me wrong, I don't broadcast my problem to the world, but I am definitely not ashamed to own up to it if it helps in my recovery. This is about you and your future. Think about what you want to get out of your tomorrow.
Best of luck and lean on this community. We are here to help each other through the tough times.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 151
Chances are your wife knows more than you think. We think we hide our addiction so well, but in reality those close to us know we have a problem and are worried about us. Your wife will probably be relieved if you open up to her and seek help
The merry-go-round stopped for me & true sobriety finally started the minute I told my husband and my son. It was the true first step for me. They were both so relieved. Truth be told, I was too.
I love what Dee said, "secrets and shame keep us sick." It's so true.
Tell your wife. As Sobrie said, you'd be surprised what she probably already knows anyway.
Good luck and keep posting.
I love what Dee said, "secrets and shame keep us sick." It's so true.
Tell your wife. As Sobrie said, you'd be surprised what she probably already knows anyway.
Good luck and keep posting.
I agree you should tell your wife.
One of the consequences of that is probably going to be the need for you to lay out your sobriety plan. Have you got a plan?
Because after her initial shock wears off, being able to say "and here's what I'm going to do about it" would be a good step.
One of the consequences of that is probably going to be the need for you to lay out your sobriety plan. Have you got a plan?
Because after her initial shock wears off, being able to say "and here's what I'm going to do about it" would be a good step.
There is no question that telling the truth is the correct answer. Pretend your wife is the one a drug or alcohol probem. Or a serious illness. Would you think less of her if she came and asked you for help? Or would you prefer she hide it from you until it becomes so bad that she can't anymore?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 13
Hey so sorry you are going through this
Coming from a wife who has just left her husband because I lost much respect from all the denial and bs talk and pretending, be honest honest honest open up, that's all I wanted my ex to do - you take care x
Coming from a wife who has just left her husband because I lost much respect from all the denial and bs talk and pretending, be honest honest honest open up, that's all I wanted my ex to do - you take care x
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Kalispell, MT
Posts: 103
Personally, I think my situation was like your JUK. Wife knew I drank, but certainly not the extent. When I became determined to change my drinking habits (successfully) I thought the change would be obvious. She didn't have a clue. She later read a journal I kept about my horrible drinking. She was scared, worried, mad, and probably every other emotion. She read it while I was sober though, so it helped a bit. Since then, it has been great (after a break-in period where she had to accept that I had some problems). She doesn't offer me drinks, doesn't hint about them and it makes life way easier. No hiding. Also it keeps me accountable. If you are honest with her, this drinking thing is less of a concern. Good luck with it sir.
If you're anything like me this didnt happen because of stress at work. It happened because youre an alcoholic.
I'm living in sobriety now, and work was ridiculously stressful all week. So was every aspect of my personal life. But I didnt lie around getting drunk off my face. I didnt drink at all. I chose healthy outlets to process my stress.
You asked for advice, so mine is: own up to your wife and find an AA meeting. Immediately.
I'm living in sobriety now, and work was ridiculously stressful all week. So was every aspect of my personal life. But I didnt lie around getting drunk off my face. I didnt drink at all. I chose healthy outlets to process my stress.
You asked for advice, so mine is: own up to your wife and find an AA meeting. Immediately.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Kalispell, MT
Posts: 103
JUK, I'm assuming a lot of us know shame and disgust. Probably self hate as well. Luckily we are with like minded and acted people. I remember the "I have an opportunity to sit and drink while the wife and kids are away" moments. Loved em. But that is why I disliked who I became. Being honest goes a long ways. She may even like you afterwards. But it does force your hand. That is for sure.
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