PinotNOmore

Timeline of my Saturday:
6am: wake up, it's a beautiful day! The sun is shining the birds are singing! Wait no, just kidding, it's still dark out and it's raining, but still feeling good and looking forward to the day ahead!
8am-2:00pm: keep busy, thoughts of: I can't believe I feel so good! First day in weeks I haven't even thought of drinking! Maybe this is actually happening! But what about when such and such happens? Oh well, we'll worry about it then!
3:00pm: This is been such a great day! Let me go treat myself and do some shopping!
5:30pm: The Toddler wants to go out to dinner!? This day has been amazing! Let's do it!
6:00pm: That was a terrible idea! I'm tired, it's been a long week, it's Saturday night, everybody else is drinking, listen to all the songs on the radio talking about drinking, look at that sunset, oh look at that guy I bet he's buying beer. I should buy beer. I don't like beer. Then wine! I should buy wine!
6:05pm: drive to liquor store, go in, buy small bottle of wine, get back in car throw it in the passenger seat and forget about it. But not really.
7:50pm: Kids are asleep. "Remember" bottle of wine in the car. Go get it. Set it on counter and stare at it.
8:00-8:36pm: Surf sober recovery while staring a bottle of wine on counter. Cry briefly cause you know you don't really want to drink it.
8:50pm: it's almost 9 p.m.! If you're going to do this you should do this now! Unscrew cap as fast as possible and take swig as fast as possible! Almost spit it out... But don't.

At 20 days, I caved. Probably have been planning it for a few days, but was still shocked at how badly I didn't want to do it and still did. I didn't have a plan. Of course I'm disappointed! And I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do about this, but I figured either I just disappear and go off the grid for a while, or let y'all know what's going on. I chose the latter. I'm headed to bed, three drinks total tonight, and for those of you debating... no it was not worth it! Sorry to disappoint you all as well. :-(

Jsbodhi

Start again tomorrow xo
It really never is worth it!

Rcvringaddict30

Aww, just keep moving forward...like you said, one small crack does NOT mean you're broken. I like that a lot. It seems like a lot of people are really caught up on the number of days they've been sober, that they often lose focus on the progress they've made and the valuable lessons they've learned along the way. I can see this easily happening to me, as I am sooo early in my sobriety. Don't be discouraged! Maybe we can help each other figure out a game plan.

Rcvringaddict30

And by the way I love your screen name! I wish I would've thought of something cool like that especially since I was a Pinot drinker myself! I don't know how to change my name but I'd like to. Haha

least

Maybe it's time to rethink your plan. Is rehab a possibility? You've been struggling for a while now. Rehab might be just what you need.

MariahGayle

start again & build on those 20 days Pinot. Glad you stopped & are going to bed. Hope to see you post tomorrow

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank, but I'm glad you came back.

I think without any kind of plan, or any attempt to change course once the ideas in our head, most of us in the early days will probably drink again.

You can't expect change with no changes being made.

You've had a lot of suggestions of what you might do over your time here - what do you think stops you from putting them into practice PNM?

D

PinotNOmore

Thanks for your kind words! I changed my screening shortly after joining way back when and I think you just need to contact an Admin or something if you want to! :-)

PinotNOmore

Nope. I think I got caught up with myself when I was debating this as a possibility. There is no way I'm leaving my family. I know I can do this without it!

PinotNOmore

Thank you Mariah. We'll see where tomorrow takes me.

PinotNOmore

Honestly, I have no idea.

Dee74

One thing I would probably do right now is stop comparing yourself to other people.

This isn't a race or a competition - it's a personal journey to happiness.

I am trying to challenge you a little and I can't really apologise for that, cos I want you to move forward

I hope my tone is appropriate for the task but if I seem harsh it's because I know how much we can rationalise with ourselves to accept the drinking status quo.

I spent 15 years doing that - rationalising I wasn't that bad, or that I needed respite, or that I needed stress relief, or that I deserved to be able to do something everyone else seemed able to do.

Unfortunately every year I did that, I got a little worse and I lost more and more of the things that were important to me.

Even you there's a part of you that can't really get on board with the idea that you have to stop drinking, there must be a part that knows you have to ir you wouldn't be here

Really encourage that part.

Feed the good wolf - you could go to AA or some other meeting based recovery group, you could read the AVRT books, you could look into counselling, or ask your doctor if medication might be suitable for you and, if inpatient rehab is out of the question, you could at least investigate outpatient rehab.

There's a lot you could do. you could post more here as well (especially when you're battling the desire to drink) and there's many many monthly or group threads you could become a member of.

You could dig out that recovery plan link I gave to you and make a decent plan too

Thinking is good but action is better

We put a lot of effort into drinking - why not try putting that same effort and singlemindedness into recovery for say 3 months? see where you end up?

D

Thumpalumpacus

Glad you came back here instead of headed off into the ozone, Pinot.

You may have lost this battle, but you haven't lost the war. Be strong, ma'am.

Soberwolf

No disappointment here all il add if you ever feel the cravings & urges please come here & reach out talk to someone about what's going on

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

Dropsie

PNM,

I am sorry that you drank just when you were starting to see the benefits.

Made me think how many times we see hear that.

I don't think this is a coincidence.

Is it that we don't think we deserve it?? Are afraid it might really work?

I am not sure, but if I were you I would ask someone to watch the kids, re-read Dee's post, and have a good hard think.

You children are still small -- you can give them a sober mom, you can be a sober mom.

You can do this, and you do deserve it. Believe me on that.

Be good to yourself.

ScottFromWI

Honestly I think you are still "caught up with yourself", or more likely "caught up with your addiction" in that respect. You freely admit here in this thread that not only do you have no plan for sobriety, but you have no idea how you'll make one. And then you say that you "know you can do this" on your own. Do you not see the contradiction? Even the title of this thread shows to me that the denial of your probem with alcohol is very, very strong. You obsesssed about that wine for days before hand more likely as you say, you obsessed about buying it and debated for hours about drinking it. That is no "small crack".....its full blown addiction rearing its head.

Until you acknowledge/accept the seriousness of your situation with alcohol, this will continue. And once you accept it you need to take concrete, actionable steps to deal with it. It won't be easy...and you'll need to do things that you don't want to do. You may need to do some kind of rehab...maybe outpatient or some kind of alcohol counseling. Maybe meetings. But you have to do something.....otherwise expect more of the same.

SoberinSyracuse

Good luck, Pinot. I know it's hard to contemplate stepping out of life for a while, potentially 30 days or so away from family if you enter inpatient treatment. But if you were to add up all the hours you've been drunk, I'll bet you've spent more than 720 hours (or 30 days) "away" from your family through intoxication already. Also, unchecked alcoholism stands to take you away from your family much more permanently.

If your attempts to do it yourself don't work, I hope you'll leave the rehab option on the table. It would be way better than struggling for many more years on your own.

My two relapses started with a "slip" so do be careful to nip this in the bud!!

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry you relapsed again Pinot
Without a plan, it really is almost impossible to quit.

Please make one and stick to it
You really deserve sobriety, and your kids deserve
a sober mom

You can do it--take the steps and make the comittment

Blacky

Here is my take , might be off IDK .. I think you did plan it with help from your AV. I also think you cried because you knew you were going to drink.

I understand, I have been there. When I tried on my own this last time I also only made it but a short time. I was alone, I did not seek any help or have any plan. I realized that that was not working out.

I put myself in a program and position where I had to quit, but also I got support and the help of professionals.

As for leaving your family to get help, are you not leaving them every time you drink ?

I wish you well, give what has been said as per having a plan some thought and try again. I think you can do it. You know the alternative.

MIRecovery

Will power obviously does not seem to be enough. What concrete actions are you going to take. You have stated what you are not going to do so what are you going to do?