Lovatic

My name is Tiana, I'm 22 years old and my boyfriend is 8 years older than me. We've spent first 11 months of our relationship living in different cities, but several months ago, we started to live together. Only then I found out that he has alcohol addiction. He's musician and plays in clubs until midnight, then he usually comes back home. But after first 2 weeks living together, he started to spend his nights outside drinking with his friends, then comes back totally drunk, he becomes aggressive and rude, and he apologizes every morning promising it won't happen again, but after several days, it does. Until the day he got so drunk he hit me. So I left and came back to my country. We're dating for one year and half now and he swears he's changed but he still calls me drunk so I can obviously tell he hasn't. I don't have anyone to talk to, yet so many questions to ask. I probably should mention he's from Russia and drinking is kinda part of his culture, but that doesn't mean every russian guy is an alcohol addicted. If anyone sees this post, please help me. I know it would be easier to just move on and give up on him, but, he's really a king and humble person, and he's orphan since birth, he doesn't have a family, if I give up on him, who will help him? Nobody deserves to live like that until eventually alcohol kills him. I need to know honestly if it's possible to permanently recover from alcohol addiction? If yes, how? Do we have to go to rehab or see a doctor? Am I just stupid to think he can ever change and get a normal relationship?

doggonecarl

Sorry for what brings you here.

The same person who would help him if you stay...himself. And speaking of staying, how has staying with him up to now helped?

He hit you. That should be a deal breaker. You are 22, with your whole life ahead of you. Don't spend the glorious days of your youth on an alcoholic.

That's advice from an alcoholic.

teatreeoil007

There's hope for everyone but when it comes to abuse you have to protect yourself

Ariesagain

You only spent a month living together and he hit you.

You are so young...don't waste your youth trying to fix him. You can't. It's all up to him to do on his own and his addiction will hold your life hostage as well as his if you let it.

Wish him well from a safe and sane distance and get on with your one and only life.

ScottFromWI

Kind and humble people do not hit their girlfriends, wives or anyone for that matter. Being an alcoholic is not an excuse for that either. Please know that you cannot "fix" his alcholism..only he can. You are not stupid at all, but you need to be aware that he may never change no matter what you do. Your priority absolutely needs to be to protect yourself. In my opinion you were smart to end the relationship and should not re-enter it.

illi1111

I have been in an abusive relationship. It is only going to get worse...much worse! I was the same age as you and it took me over a decade to get out. So many good years lost to someone who also blamed it on the alcohol. You were smarter than me by getting out when you did. It's going to hurt, but you need to let this person go. Being in a differnt country will make it much easier! You are not meant to fix other people. You need to work on yourself now. I know you are young but the fact you may even stay in a abusive relationship is a red flag. You always need to take care of yourself first. ((Hugs))

least

Let him go and focus on yourself. He's not worth your time or attention. He hit you. I used to have an abusive boyfriend. But when he hit me I threw him out and it was over.

Nonsensical

His alcohol problem is his alcohol problem. Stop trying to fix him. You can't.

Change your phone number, buy a new dress, move on.

He had his chance. Go find a man who deserves you.

Thumpalumpacus

Run, don't walk, away.

Anna

He hit you.

If you stay with him, it will likely happen again and escalate.

Physical abuse is never alright and you deserve much better than that.

Lovatic

You guys, I got so emotional while reading your answers. It's the first time I ever talk about it, and for a long time I've just been fighting with my own thoughts. I'm a stranger to you all, yet you're taking a part of your time to answer me and encourage me. Yes it's hard because I do love him and I think it's such a pity that he destroys his life, but the situation truly breaks me down. I hope I will be able to turn the page and live my life on my own. Thank you so much

doggonecarl

Hugs to you, Lovatic.

We have an active forum for loved ones of an alcoholic. Everyone there knows how difficult it is to love an addict.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Dharma33

Hi, Lova-

It is never, ever OK for someone to hit you. If he did it once, please do not continue with him- the chance is extremely high it will happen again even if he says it won't. Being drunk or using isn't an excuse to hurt someone.

I am sure you are a beautiful girl with a kind heart. You are so young with your whole life ahead! Take care of yourself.

JohnQPublic

Dear L, I am so sorry for your situation. I know you must feel lots of pain in lots of different ways. I am just going to reiterate what many have said. You should not be physically abused. Clinical evidence shows that most abusers will continue and get worse without consequences and help. You should not be in danger just from loving someone. Lastly, he has to get sober not you. You cant do it for him, or push him too it. Its his responsibility. Its sad but the best thing you could probably do for him is leave and show him what his actions and lifestyle lead too. Having negative consequences for our actions sometimes slaps us in the face and gives us the desire for change. Again I am so sorry you are going through this. John

Meraviglioso

Lovatic, you deserve more and you will find more, either in your home country or another one. A wonderful man is out there for you, you may find him tomorrow or it may take many years, but you will find someone who will treat your wonderfully and who you do not have to fear.
I am terribly sorry for what you are going through, I am sure you have so many mixed emotions. I know it is difficult to give up on a relationship you invested in, to leave behind someone you care about, but it must be done- for yourself and for him.
Take care of yourself and come here and post and reach out as much as you need to.

Adnamaeel

Lovatic,
Without even knowing you, I know you deserve better than someone who hits you. I don't think your relationship is worth trying to salvage. The only one who can change your boyfriend's behavioral patterns is him, no matter how much you may love him.
You deserve a partner who treats you respectfully, not one who would raise a hand to you.

Lscotty1

No, just no. We are all pretty good people, as far as people go, but we are sick. Look at some of the threads, see how many times people try and fail. This is not an overnight process, and it will not be for your significant other. Being drunk does not change your morals. Of all the terrible things I've done drunk I'm sure I would've had the capacity to do them sober as well. Because I'm a sick person. The drugs and/or alcohol or only symptoms of a larger problem that will not go away quickly, even in sobriety. We can be loving and charming one second and monsters the next. This is true for the vast majority of us. Get out. Don't waste your time. Everyone has the right to feel safe in a relationship. I don't care if it was only once. It doesn't matter what you have to do to break it off, figure it out. I understand you love him, but you need to love yourself first. There will be others! Move on sweetheart.

"There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone." -GD

Dee74

There is some great advice here Lovatic - I too think you deserve more than this

D

Nowwhat11

Hit = nonstarter. Thank the gods you are in a another country. You're 22, in five years you will either have forgotten this completely or be ten times more miserable than you are right now.

loulou1981

Oh that sounds terrible. I've never been in that sort of relationship.....but from having dealt with ALOT of domestic violence incidents the likelihood is he wont change. If u stay in this relationship ur accepting his behaviour....imagine if u had children with him, is it ok for daddy to hit mummy......NO!!! run like the wind.....ur so young, enjoy ur life without this moron!!x