thomas11

Just wanted to make a quick post. The other night I drank to the point of being drunk. It was the first time since May 25, 2015 that I have done that. In the past, Thursday would have led to getting drunk on Friday, then Saturday and since I'm currently not employed, heck why not Sunday. I would have had hell to pay Monday and probably part of Tuesday. Instead, I got right back to doing whatever it is I do, sober. And right now I'm watching the football game getting some food ready for the second game. Both games in which I have exactly $1.00 bet on each with my wife. I guess my point is that I am really thankful to be feeling good, sleeping good, eating pretty well and having a clear head. And its beginning to feel normal. Life is so much less complicated when alcohol is not constantly messing with you. I still have a long ways to go, but I do believe I am going in the right direction.

Delfin

.

sugarbear1

You seem to be drinking more and more.....

courage2

You should be thankful. You're playing with fire and you haven't gotten badly burned -- yet.

Because newcomers might read this who don't know your story, Jeff, I'm going to mention that you were posting here drunk 3 nights ago, threatening to leave your wife and give everything up. And you're taking valium and painkillers. If you truly believe that alcohol (and drugs) isn't messing with you, please read your thread from 1/21.

I wish you would get some professional help.

Dee74

Hi Jeff

I'm glad you're feeling better.

I'm going to ask you though - next time you want to drink, no matter how angry you are or how suddenly the urge comes upon you - please take the time to read back through threads like these?

I really believe you're genuine right now when you write about how much better you feel, and the progress you've made and the lessons you've learned.

But lessons not put into practice are just untested theories...yeah?

You're obviously a fiercely independent smart guy and a go getter - it's time to make those things work for you in your recovery Jeff

D

Mountainmanbob

It's all about what we do or don't do.
MB

thomas11

I agree Dee. After I posted I think the more accurate term would be grateful. I am grateful for this website, and I am grateful that I am liking being sober and not resenting it. I was wishy-washy about it for quite a while, and I know what happened the other night, I was there. But I am becoming less and less wishy-washy about it as more time goes by.

Soberleigh said that sobriety is a multi layered process, and I feel like I'm beginning to get through that first layer, with many more to go.

leviathan

I'm not a grizzled old alligator type olde-timer. I'm not into tough love. I just gotta say this though: sobriety is NOT a multi-layered process. The cleanup and recovery that follows may be, but getting SOBER is a one step process. You stop polluting your system.

I really hate to see people torture themselves trying to get clean the slow way. Thomas, if your true goal is to reduce the amount of time you spend drunk- well that's harm reduction. And it's fine. As long as that is your goal.

If you only wanna get drunk 50 times this year instead of 100, that IS improvement. Your body will thank you for the 50% reprieve. Your head will not clear, your emotions won't stabilize and your family can proudly state "well, he's halfway better...". Also you can expect to continue monitoring frequency, counting drinks, growling at yourself after going to far on occasion, and keeping those cravings strong and fit for battle.

This might be worth it for you. Just call it what it is!

Hawkeye13

seems like your drinking has gotten worse, not better, Thomas since
you started "moderating".

It's a slippery slope, and you are farther down than you give yourself credit for.
I really hope you choose to stop for good before it's too late.

thomas11

What I want is to not have alcohol have any role in my life. I'm not familiar with harm reduction, but if drinking half as much as you used to is what that is, I'm not interested in that. I believe that would eventually lead right back to square one. At least according the what I read here.

thomas11

I want to add that I have developed somewhat of a plan. And yeah, its probably considered a pretty weak plan.

1. I like to drink alone at home. I no longer do that, and have no desire to do it.
2. Recognize situations that are going to trigger me, and avoid them at all costs.
3. Consider a couple therapy sessions to see if someone can give me some professional input. I will admit, that is going to be a leap of faith for me, but its on the table.
4. This is an important and I believe an effective one for me. Read here daily. Every week it seems some folks come along that are in a bad way. I read them and I feel really bad for them, but at the same time, I have been there and I remember vividly how awful it was, I don't want to be in that place ever again.
5. Start getting busy again. I need to write my resume, I've been advised to buy a book to help with a cover letter and prepare my elevator speech. Buy a new suit, start my exercise program that was suppose to start 2 weeks ago.

So that is early framework of my plan.

leviathan

those steps sound great!

add another one (if you dare).

* from this moment on i will not lift alcohol to my mouth and i will only take pills as prescribed.

if you do this step right, you might get to pass on the counseling.

Hawkeye13

It's terrific you've laid out a plan and are taking solid steps.
As always, I wish you every success Jeff

Marcher13

Jeff I'm glad you have started a plan because you are going to need it. I know this because I needed a plan, a really solid tight one or I would never have made it this far (about seven or eight weeks short of three years).

I'd like to help you outsmart your AV so I'm going to ask you a few questions. Whether you answer them here or in your own mind is entirely up to you.

1) You like to drink at home alone "[you] no longer do that, and have no desire to do it." At the moment. Today.

What will happen if you find yourself home alone after a job interview that hasn't gone well? Or if your Dad phones you when he is drunk or if your Mom starts hassling you?

You need a go to. Meditation? Hard exercise?

2) You do need to recognise situations that trigger you and by all means avoid the if you can. There will be a lot of times when you can't avoid them. How will you respond to the triggers so you don't drink?

Dee said the following above which is an exact description of how I perceive you:
I still maintain that you have way too much time on your hands. I know you are getting well after the accident, I know you are preparing to job search but an energetic go-getter like you should not sit idle.

Ask me how I know.

Soberwolf

if you mean sobriety as going in the right direction then good but your AV is in full control I don't like saying that Jeff but I hear it

thomas11

Marcher, I have no issue responding/commenting to your questions publicly.

I can say with 99% confidence that I have control of the home drinking situation. I have ample time to go on bender after bender since May of last year, and haven't done it once. Regarding triggers, that's what I gave a lot of thought to the other night. Music and my parents are probably my two biggest triggers. I don't listen to music anymore. Ever. I've made a decision that I will not be going to my parents place for 30-60 days, too much risk. Its weird because even though they have their own drinking problems, they call me once or twice a week around 7PM to see if I've been drinking. Its not hard to tell when I'm drinking. Yes, I find it hypocritical, but I guess they care about their son. I guess a positive that has come from that is I have developed at least a little bit of trust and credibility because when they call, I'm sober. (Thursday was a flat out slip, mistake, relapse etc...). It was triggered via an emotional outburst. And its not ok. I'll reach my goal if I allow that to happen again.

I DO have way too much time on my hands right now. My go-to will be vigorous exercise, when I am able. I don't believe I have to ask you how you know, because I think I know the answer.
I do however have a question for you, I am at a (temporary) period in my life where a lot of sitting on my butt is all I can/should be doing. I say that only because that is what my Dr., my surgeon and my friend who is a surgeon has told me. So my question is what would you suggest? Right now about the only thing I do is try to stay mentally occupied. But as I outlined above, I think its time to pull the trigger and start getting busy again.

GnikNus

Are you involved in anything other than this forum as a recovery tool? I've seen your threads from time to time, and I think AA would be beneficial. I know that you are exposed to a lot of other people's sober experience on this site, but it seems to me that it only affects you intellectually, and not in practice. If this site is your only recovery tool- and you want to quit drinking, maybe Sober Recovery is not enough.

Delilah1

Have you thought about taking some online courses to help you transition back to work? Udemy has sales often, and they offer good courses. What has your surgeon cleared you for in terms of exercise? You may want to work with him to tailor a program specifically for you.

thomas11

Meant to say I will NEVER reach my goal if I allow that to happen. Sorry. Big difference.

thomas11

GnikNus, that has been mentioned quite often before, so I'm sure its true. I think my first move is a couple therapy session to basically spill my guts to a professional and see what they have to say in return.