Is this as bad as it seems?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi Tetra - I'm sure noone meant to upset you 
Forbidding you to see someone is a really Victorian thing. Thats at least two centuries out of date now
Unfortunately based on history this is what you're going to get if you stay with your folks.
I really agree with Carlotta - if this kind of thing is intolerable to you, maybe it's time for you to leave home and live your life.
If you haven't the money behind you, maybe you can look to share with roommates?
D
Forbidding you to see someone is a really Victorian thing. Thats at least two centuries out of date now
Unfortunately based on history this is what you're going to get if you stay with your folks.
I really agree with Carlotta - if this kind of thing is intolerable to you, maybe it's time for you to leave home and live your life.
If you haven't the money behind you, maybe you can look to share with roommates?
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I think getting independent will be your first step Tetra
I know you love your parents very much, but it isn't really fair
of them to tell you who you can love.
Just because your sister chose poorly is no reason to deny you your choice.
What can you do to get out on your own again?
I know you love your parents very much, but it isn't really fair
of them to tell you who you can love.
Just because your sister chose poorly is no reason to deny you your choice.
What can you do to get out on your own again?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
" She told me I broke her heart and that I haven't a hope in hell of getting the job. "
Believe in yourself and don't let her undermine your confidence. She is sabotaging you so she can keep you jobless and hopeless at home under her thumb.
Have you thought about doing some guided meditation? They do have quite a few positive thinking/law of attraction videos on youtube.
If nothing else, it will help you relax.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I'd just let it out - shout it from the rooftops, if you need to. Let go and just be yourself. Be with who you want....not with who you think your parents want. I'm in an interracial relationship (she's Guatemalan and I'm a Caucasian-American). I'm on the other side of the fence - her parents think it's weird she's dating a white guy! It goes both ways, you know. How would you like it if he hid your nationality from his parents? You'd probably be fine with it but you would be well aware that they'd find out sooner or later. Just let go and shout it out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by Tetra 
I decided to bite the bullet and mention it.
They have forbidden me from seeing him.
They have forbidden me from seeing him.
Honestly, its a word I would be reluctant to use to my four year old son let alone my 35 year old daughter. So I guess the issue is not really the bf afterall.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I hope the interview goes well Tetra!!
Seriously though what really can your parent's do? . . . gone are the days when someone could be locked up or sent to an institution for doing something their family didn't like . . . they have no leverage other than shouting at you and frankly that will wear thin eventually.
There's a girl who grew up up in my home village that married an Egyptian a few years back, and it was the same kind of thing, to the point her dad wouldn't talk to her and wasn't best pleased, more so I think because he was Muslim than anything else, but they now have a son and visited this Xmas for the first time, and knowing she's happy and they have a grandson, the parents have now chilled out quite a bit.
Moral of the story, do what makes you happy, the rest will all take care of itself!!
Seriously though what really can your parent's do? . . . gone are the days when someone could be locked up or sent to an institution for doing something their family didn't like . . . they have no leverage other than shouting at you and frankly that will wear thin eventually.
There's a girl who grew up up in my home village that married an Egyptian a few years back, and it was the same kind of thing, to the point her dad wouldn't talk to her and wasn't best pleased, more so I think because he was Muslim than anything else, but they now have a son and visited this Xmas for the first time, and knowing she's happy and they have a grandson, the parents have now chilled out quite a bit.
Moral of the story, do what makes you happy, the rest will all take care of itself!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Carlotta
Believe in yourself and don't let her undermine your confidence. She is sabotaging you so she can keep you jobless and hopeless at home under her thumb.
and now shes taking out her resentments,fears, insecurities,etc in you.
dont allow the words get into you. its all false. yer stronger than ya think. youre worth believing in yourself.
believe because we believe!
p.s.
youre allowed to stand up for yourrself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Tetra,
I've been following your story for a while, and I think it's really sad. It's so easy for us to look in from the outside and see how clearly the dynamics between you and your parents are stifling you. Not so easy I suspect for you.
When I listen to your story, it makes me think of my 19 year old daughter and my relationship with her. A year ago, she had her heart broken by her first love. I had reservations about him all the way through. He was lazy, disrespectful and never treated her anywhere near how I wanted her to be treated. My H and I had many a conversation about it. In the end it finished on Christmas day and days later he was posting photos of him with another girl on Instagram. She sobbed in my arms for days.
The thing is, even at 18, this was HER relationship. I watched from a distance and advised her when she asked for it. But I didn't meddle, and felt I had no right at all to forbid her from seeing him. She was an adult. She learned from it, and is seeing a lovely young man now who adores her.
Our parents cannot stop us making mistakes in life, whether it be a job, relationship or friendship choice. It's how we learn. If we don't take risks, we stay childlike and vulnerable.
I would really really urge you to follow the advice that says you need to be independent of them. Only with some distance and maybe counselling, will you see the dynamics between you and your parents in reality.
Time for you to realise your worth and empower yourself. You can do this x
I've been following your story for a while, and I think it's really sad. It's so easy for us to look in from the outside and see how clearly the dynamics between you and your parents are stifling you. Not so easy I suspect for you.
When I listen to your story, it makes me think of my 19 year old daughter and my relationship with her. A year ago, she had her heart broken by her first love. I had reservations about him all the way through. He was lazy, disrespectful and never treated her anywhere near how I wanted her to be treated. My H and I had many a conversation about it. In the end it finished on Christmas day and days later he was posting photos of him with another girl on Instagram. She sobbed in my arms for days.
The thing is, even at 18, this was HER relationship. I watched from a distance and advised her when she asked for it. But I didn't meddle, and felt I had no right at all to forbid her from seeing him. She was an adult. She learned from it, and is seeing a lovely young man now who adores her.
Our parents cannot stop us making mistakes in life, whether it be a job, relationship or friendship choice. It's how we learn. If we don't take risks, we stay childlike and vulnerable.
I would really really urge you to follow the advice that says you need to be independent of them. Only with some distance and maybe counselling, will you see the dynamics between you and your parents in reality.
Time for you to realise your worth and empower yourself. You can do this x
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I've also been following your story for a while Tetra.
For someone new reading this, if you hadn't said how old you are, they would assume you are a mid, possibly late teenager.
Your parents cannot forbid you from doing anything.
It isn't healthy for you or your sobriety to still be living with them and the impact they have on your life.
There are always options but it doesn't seem as if you are prepared to look into them -room shares - you would get housing benefit if you are not working. Many people live alone and don't work -there is assistance available. Even refuge places would assist as there is no doubt your parents are abusing you mentally.
You allow your parents to continue to treat you like a child. You are enabling their behaviour and nothing will change if you don't put a stop to it. You owe them nothing. A call or visit weekly is quite duty enough after the way they have treated you.
I don't mean to sound harsh but my words are because I feel so frustrated that you are allowing your parents to rule and ruin your life and you aren't doing anything about it. It doesn't seem to matter what people on here say - you continue to allow your parents to do this. They are never going to change. only you can change how you deal with them and react to them.
I think the issue with your man friend is the least of your problems
For someone new reading this, if you hadn't said how old you are, they would assume you are a mid, possibly late teenager.
Your parents cannot forbid you from doing anything.
It isn't healthy for you or your sobriety to still be living with them and the impact they have on your life.
There are always options but it doesn't seem as if you are prepared to look into them -room shares - you would get housing benefit if you are not working. Many people live alone and don't work -there is assistance available. Even refuge places would assist as there is no doubt your parents are abusing you mentally.
You allow your parents to continue to treat you like a child. You are enabling their behaviour and nothing will change if you don't put a stop to it. You owe them nothing. A call or visit weekly is quite duty enough after the way they have treated you.
I don't mean to sound harsh but my words are because I feel so frustrated that you are allowing your parents to rule and ruin your life and you aren't doing anything about it. It doesn't seem to matter what people on here say - you continue to allow your parents to do this. They are never going to change. only you can change how you deal with them and react to them.
I think the issue with your man friend is the least of your problems
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Wow, thank you all for your advice.
I feel like I am getting some very harsh responses.
Today alone, I have applied for five jobs. Over the past two months I have had four interviews and I was successful at one of them - I am on the panel and waiting to be called. I have another interview arranged for next week.
Some times I feel like I am being judged harshly. My therapist asked me once "apart from the death of your Grandma, how was 2015 for you?" I told him it was the year I woke up. I had a job for nine months, I was living an independent life with my Gran until her death last July and I am looking for jobs and taking driving lessons. As someone who has been very passive in the past, these are big steps for me and things I should have done in my 20s, like normal people but as usual I am late in the game.
My mother has serious mental problems, and she can be a very strong personality so don't judge me until you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life.
I feel like I am getting some very harsh responses.
Today alone, I have applied for five jobs. Over the past two months I have had four interviews and I was successful at one of them - I am on the panel and waiting to be called. I have another interview arranged for next week.
Some times I feel like I am being judged harshly. My therapist asked me once "apart from the death of your Grandma, how was 2015 for you?" I told him it was the year I woke up. I had a job for nine months, I was living an independent life with my Gran until her death last July and I am looking for jobs and taking driving lessons. As someone who has been very passive in the past, these are big steps for me and things I should have done in my 20s, like normal people but as usual I am late in the game.
My mother has serious mental problems, and she can be a very strong personality so don't judge me until you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by Tetra
When my mom is angry she lashes out. She told me I broke her heart and that I haven't a hope in hell of getting the job.
I want to apologize for and retract my former post in this thread. From reading your posts, I recognize that we're from different cultures and I may not really understand yours. I'm American, and here the dynamic you describe with your parents would be considered deeply dysfunctional. But maybe I've tried to understand your situation through the lens of my own, different culture.
In America, your mother's above remark would be considered abusive. Among married couples, "verbal abuse" is grounds for divorce.
I'll pray that this works out in whatever way is best for your life and your aspirations. Take care of yourself and no matter what...stay sober!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Well my mother would be considered extremely...something.
I don't know. She has huge issues of her own, stemming back to her own childhood and enormous issues with shame. My dad has taken her to various doctors over the years but she told them she has no problems and her life would be fine if it wasn't for her two daughters.
Anyway these days I have worked as a secretary for 9 months and I am now confident enough to apply for other jobs and that is a big step for me.
One step at a time in the right direction. I'll be out of here soon enough.
I don't know. She has huge issues of her own, stemming back to her own childhood and enormous issues with shame. My dad has taken her to various doctors over the years but she told them she has no problems and her life would be fine if it wasn't for her two daughters.
Anyway these days I have worked as a secretary for 9 months and I am now confident enough to apply for other jobs and that is a big step for me.
One step at a time in the right direction. I'll be out of here soon enough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
For example, my mom told me to go for a walk this morning as "clearly I'm depressed" and we had a huge fight over that. Yes, she can be extremely difficult and all I get from dad is "please help me and don't rock the boat".
When I was drinking all I heard was "you don't share your feelings". Now I am sober and want to share but no one cares how I feel about anything. I wish to God I had never opened my mouth.
When I was drinking all I heard was "you don't share your feelings". Now I am sober and want to share but no one cares how I feel about anything. I wish to God I had never opened my mouth.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by Tetra
One step at a time in the right direction. I'll be out of here soon enough.
For now, it sounds like a very pleasant friendship. Just enjoy it. If he turns out to be a real man, the type that's good enough to marry, he deserves a true woman (not a woman-child) who is strong and independent.
You're poised for enormous growth if you take the opportunity. I'm excited for you and hope you go for it!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm sorry - I have re-read my post and it does come across as very harsh My words are meant kindly though my delivery may not be as good as others.
You have made great steps forward in 2015 regarding your work situation - i don't think anyone doubts that. I hope you get the new job you are going for ad it is the start of good things for you.
It is the relationship with your mother that is so concerning and why people on here are worried about you
My words are meant kindly though my delivery may not be as good as others.You have made great steps forward in 2015 regarding your work situation - i don't think anyone doubts that. I hope you get the new job you are going for ad it is the start of good things for you.
It is the relationship with your mother that is so concerning and why people on here are worried about you
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Now I am sober and want to share but no one cares how I feel about anything.
As harsh as some of these posts may seem to you, I think the common thread here is you don't have to put up with this Tetra if you don't want to.
There are a myriad of alternatives open to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Thank you all so much for your kindness and concern. I do appreciate it, really I do.
I know that I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with my parents. It is something that I have been working on with my therapist for some time.
Well my mom came to the kitchen earlier as I was applying for jobs. I was telling my dad that I have applied for work in Dublin. He said "ok good luck with it". My mom said "if you do get the job in Dublin I will move there with you to look after you". I was like "no you won't".
See that's the thing. My whole family (aunts and everyone) thinks I need to be "minded".
A few months ago I was telling one of my aunts that I wanted to visit my brother in the US. Her response was "will your dad be going with you?" I told her no. Then she asked me "will your mom be going?"
My therapist says a whole family we have an extremely unhealthy relationship. Too involved in each others lives.
He says I gave away my power and it's time to take it back.
I know that I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with my parents. It is something that I have been working on with my therapist for some time.
Well my mom came to the kitchen earlier as I was applying for jobs. I was telling my dad that I have applied for work in Dublin. He said "ok good luck with it". My mom said "if you do get the job in Dublin I will move there with you to look after you". I was like "no you won't".
See that's the thing. My whole family (aunts and everyone) thinks I need to be "minded".
A few months ago I was telling one of my aunts that I wanted to visit my brother in the US. Her response was "will your dad be going with you?" I told her no. Then she asked me "will your mom be going?"
My therapist says a whole family we have an extremely unhealthy relationship. Too involved in each others lives.
He says I gave away my power and it's time to take it back.
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