Is this as bad as it seems?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I think we all need to live the life that we want to live and not the life that someone else would prefer us to live.
I've come up against the Irish family tradition thing before, I think I shared this story on the Weekenders thread a while back, but coming from Northern Ireland, when I started going out with someone other than from a Catholic background, it was a major issue for both my parents, in hindsight it didn't work out, but none of us know that unless we give a relationship a try, I got to the point of realising this is my life and just as our parents got to live and make choices, then surely we are entitled to that same freedom!!
Eventually parents will get over it, no matter what it is, the reason being is they love you and want to see the best for you, but if you're happy then that's what will be the focus when all is said and done, they should come around, even Irish parents!!
I've come up against the Irish family tradition thing before, I think I shared this story on the Weekenders thread a while back, but coming from Northern Ireland, when I started going out with someone other than from a Catholic background, it was a major issue for both my parents, in hindsight it didn't work out, but none of us know that unless we give a relationship a try, I got to the point of realising this is my life and just as our parents got to live and make choices, then surely we are entitled to that same freedom!!
Eventually parents will get over it, no matter what it is, the reason being is they love you and want to see the best for you, but if you're happy then that's what will be the focus when all is said and done, they should come around, even Irish parents!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
The question I would encourage you to ask about an international or cross cultural relationship is this: Do I like the other person's culture and country?
My wife is from a different race and culture to me but I like her country and by extension I also like her friends and family. The contrast with my own country enriches the relationship.
If you date a man from Iran are you prepared to learn a lot about the country, beyond the stereotypes? Could you learn some of his language? Would you enjoy cultural events that are important to him?
This seems to me a more pertinent question than whether your parents like him.
My wife is from a different race and culture to me but I like her country and by extension I also like her friends and family. The contrast with my own country enriches the relationship.
If you date a man from Iran are you prepared to learn a lot about the country, beyond the stereotypes? Could you learn some of his language? Would you enjoy cultural events that are important to him?
This seems to me a more pertinent question than whether your parents like him.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Yes, it sounds pretty bad but not for the reasons you might think.
At 35, you are well into adulthood. You do not "owe" it to your parents to revert to childhood.
As an adult, you have the right to date whoever you want. Many adults are discreet about their dating/sex lives until a relationship gets very serious.
If I were you, I would neither "confess" nor "lie." I'd just be discreet until things got a lot more serious. It seems premature to be introducing him to family at this point.
The dynamic between you and your parents worries me. At 35, it's appropriate for you to make your own decisions with little if any worry about their approval. Codependency does not equal love. You won't be loving your parents any less if you choose to claim your adulthood.
Good luck, and try not to worry about this too much.
At 35, you are well into adulthood. You do not "owe" it to your parents to revert to childhood.
As an adult, you have the right to date whoever you want. Many adults are discreet about their dating/sex lives until a relationship gets very serious.
If I were you, I would neither "confess" nor "lie." I'd just be discreet until things got a lot more serious. It seems premature to be introducing him to family at this point.
The dynamic between you and your parents worries me. At 35, it's appropriate for you to make your own decisions with little if any worry about their approval. Codependency does not equal love. You won't be loving your parents any less if you choose to claim your adulthood.
Good luck, and try not to worry about this too much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
Tetra I have followed you for a long time. I am kinda saddened to know many years are you are still living and under the control of your parents. As long as you continue you won't be able to live as an adult. You are a child.
If you don't do anything you will be living with them for the rest of their lives. Is this what you want? You may get old and never have a relationship or children. Is this what you want? Seems to me if you don't get out now your parents will get older and then really need you as a caregiver and you haven't done anything and you are still stuck.
If you don't do anything you will be living with them for the rest of their lives. Is this what you want? You may get old and never have a relationship or children. Is this what you want? Seems to me if you don't get out now your parents will get older and then really need you as a caregiver and you haven't done anything and you are still stuck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
I was thinking about this again after my earlier reply. It's extremely difficult for Iranians to get visas to stay in the UK - it may be easier in Ireland but it is unlikely to be straighforward. I know this because I actually helped two Iranians with a visa application a few years ago and things have become more complicated since then. Your BF may not be able to stay in your country legally over the long term. What happens if he leaves the country or indeed asks to marry you? What's your gut response to that at this point? I know you might say that it's too earlier to consider that and you just want to date and have fun. But getting some information about his immigration status at this point could at least prevent it causing a big headache later on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Some of the replies here seem quite sharp but thank you all for your points of view.
I had moved out and I was working on a nine month contact - which has now come to an end - and I was living with my Grandmother until her death, After she died, my aunts kicked me out of the house. If my folks hadn't taken me back in I would be on the street.
Regarding my sister: she was married to a violent, controlling, abusive man. We all tried to talk her out of it but she went ahead regardless. My mother made it very clear to me on the day of my sister's wedding that "one foreigner in the family is enough, thank you".
Time and time again they have helped us pick up the pieces of our broken lives. I would find it hard to chose if it came down to that.
I had moved out and I was working on a nine month contact - which has now come to an end - and I was living with my Grandmother until her death, After she died, my aunts kicked me out of the house. If my folks hadn't taken me back in I would be on the street.
Regarding my sister: she was married to a violent, controlling, abusive man. We all tried to talk her out of it but she went ahead regardless. My mother made it very clear to me on the day of my sister's wedding that "one foreigner in the family is enough, thank you".
Time and time again they have helped us pick up the pieces of our broken lives. I would find it hard to chose if it came down to that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Do you think he's on the level with you about what's going on? I'm just wondering if he's suggesting to his parents and this girl that's he willing to entertain the idea of marrying her and then saying something else to you to keep his options open.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
Healthy relationships have to begin
with no lies, no dishonesty, especially
if we want to live a healthy life in recovery,
sobriety.
One lie always seem to bring on
another one. Another lie to compensate
or cover up the first one.
I chose to end my 25 yr marriage
even tho I was sober for a number
of yrs. However I wasn't living an
honest life and from all that I learned
in recovery, I couldn't and wouldn't
experience true freedom unless I
became completely honest not only
with myself but to my husband too.
And as much as I knew I should, I
didn'twant to hurt him. So keeping
him in the dark without knowing my
foolishness, I prayed that I could
leave peacefully.
And yes I did.
Today, im in my 7th yr marriage
to another wonderful man, a gift
provided from Above and yes I have
been totally honest, an open book,
nothing to hide from the moment
we met.
To me that is one hell of an awesome
gift to experience in sobriety and because
of this wonderful gift then there is no
way I will take it for granted and will
hold onto it with deep appreciation
and respect for it.
When one door closed another one
opened to a world I had never experienced
before in my entire life.
That's a FREEDOM worth working
for to achieve and be sober for.
with no lies, no dishonesty, especially
if we want to live a healthy life in recovery,
sobriety.
One lie always seem to bring on
another one. Another lie to compensate
or cover up the first one.
I chose to end my 25 yr marriage
even tho I was sober for a number
of yrs. However I wasn't living an
honest life and from all that I learned
in recovery, I couldn't and wouldn't
experience true freedom unless I
became completely honest not only
with myself but to my husband too.
And as much as I knew I should, I
didn'twant to hurt him. So keeping
him in the dark without knowing my
foolishness, I prayed that I could
leave peacefully.
And yes I did.
Today, im in my 7th yr marriage
to another wonderful man, a gift
provided from Above and yes I have
been totally honest, an open book,
nothing to hide from the moment
we met.
To me that is one hell of an awesome
gift to experience in sobriety and because
of this wonderful gift then there is no
way I will take it for granted and will
hold onto it with deep appreciation
and respect for it.
When one door closed another one
opened to a world I had never experienced
before in my entire life.
That's a FREEDOM worth working
for to achieve and be sober for.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
Im sure it must be trying to live under
the same roof with ur parents. I also
understand that this is not ur home
but theirs. They are adults and so are
you.
As long as you remain under their
roof then following their requests
has to be respected.
Just as I remember as a child, they
often told us kids, we can be the boss
when we move out and on our own,
so until then, you will do as we say.
I left home at 18. Whew..!!!!! And never
wanted to return.
the same roof with ur parents. I also
understand that this is not ur home
but theirs. They are adults and so are
you.
As long as you remain under their
roof then following their requests
has to be respected.
Just as I remember as a child, they
often told us kids, we can be the boss
when we move out and on our own,
so until then, you will do as we say.
I left home at 18. Whew..!!!!! And never
wanted to return.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
Tetra dear, I don't know why this is making me crazy. So ignore this or not. Grow the hell up! You are 35 years old. Quit being a baby/child. Or decide to never have a relationship with a man. Your choice. You have posted the same thing for years. When are you going to do something about it. I waited until it was too late. I don't want you to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
The way I see it, you face questions about two different relationships. Leaving aside the issue of your relationship with your parents, which a lot of other people are commenting on, do you believe that this man offers you a nurturing and supportive relationship and will encourage your recovery? Is he an honest person, particularly when it comes to the arranged Muslim marriage which he informed you about on New Year's Eve?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Originally Posted by Tetra 
I decided to bite the bullet and mention it.
They have forbidden me from seeing him.
They have forbidden me from seeing him.
Bottom line, I wouldn't put up with being told what to do Tetra, it's your life!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
I know that some lessons seem to take
longer to learn. I myself have faced lots
of situations in my life and as long as I
kept doing the same thing each and everytime,
getting the same results, then it was time
I reached out, like you are doing, to find
healthier ways to handle those situations
that baffle us.
I pass on concern, love, care, support,
understanding along with many others
in guiding you with positive helpful
experiences, strengths and hopes
as you work thru another one of lifes
situations.
You'll eventually get it when you feel
like you've had enough and sick and tired
of touching the hot stove like I have and
apply a healthier solution to it.
longer to learn. I myself have faced lots
of situations in my life and as long as I
kept doing the same thing each and everytime,
getting the same results, then it was time
I reached out, like you are doing, to find
healthier ways to handle those situations
that baffle us.
I pass on concern, love, care, support,
understanding along with many others
in guiding you with positive helpful
experiences, strengths and hopes
as you work thru another one of lifes
situations.
You'll eventually get it when you feel
like you've had enough and sick and tired
of touching the hot stove like I have and
apply a healthier solution to it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi Tetra,
I fear that the more you cater to your parents every whim and do only as they want, and never what you want, the more difficult it will become to break free. It is already difficult, can you imagine making it even more so? As nearly everyone else has mentioned, this is your life, for you to live and you to experience and enjoy. You can experience and enjoy your life, live your own life, while still being respectful and loving towards your parents. Sure, it is much more difficult to find that balance if they disapprove of your choices but it can be done.
I am really happy for you that you have found someone you enjoy spending time with and hope to share a deeper relationship with. I have to say though, it seems to me that you focus right now should be getting out from under your parents roof, working on growing and maturing as an adult woman, and only then thinking about an adult relationship with someone else.
I know that some of the responses here, including my own, seem harsh, but they come from a caring place.
I fear that the more you cater to your parents every whim and do only as they want, and never what you want, the more difficult it will become to break free. It is already difficult, can you imagine making it even more so? As nearly everyone else has mentioned, this is your life, for you to live and you to experience and enjoy. You can experience and enjoy your life, live your own life, while still being respectful and loving towards your parents. Sure, it is much more difficult to find that balance if they disapprove of your choices but it can be done.
I am really happy for you that you have found someone you enjoy spending time with and hope to share a deeper relationship with. I have to say though, it seems to me that you focus right now should be getting out from under your parents roof, working on growing and maturing as an adult woman, and only then thinking about an adult relationship with someone else.
I know that some of the responses here, including my own, seem harsh, but they come from a caring place.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I did not know that you were back at your parents and I am so sorry for your grandma's passing 
I think that while dating is fun and can be nice, in your situation it is a major source of stress. Like we say: first thing first.
My suggestion to you would be that you find a way to become financially and materially independent from your parents.
Why not try to take some classes (they offer them online too) so you can have better work prospects and increase your potential income?
Also, have you considered moving out? Even if all you can afford is a room in a rooming house, at least you would have an opportunity to stretch your wings and also to stand on your own two feet like a 35 year old woman.
I think that Oxford Houses have houses in Ireland. It might be worth looking into it if you have an income. If you don't then your priority is to become financially independent.
I think that while dating is fun and can be nice, in your situation it is a major source of stress. Like we say: first thing first.
My suggestion to you would be that you find a way to become financially and materially independent from your parents.
Why not try to take some classes (they offer them online too) so you can have better work prospects and increase your potential income?
Also, have you considered moving out? Even if all you can afford is a room in a rooming house, at least you would have an opportunity to stretch your wings and also to stand on your own two feet like a 35 year old woman.
I think that Oxford Houses have houses in Ireland. It might be worth looking into it if you have an income. If you don't then your priority is to become financially independent.
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