MidnightBlue

Yes. This!

LiveInPeace

I've absolutely experienced this. In my recovery program of AA, we call that the "ego", what you call the "addictive voice" and we're taught that the ego does push-ups while we are getting more spiritually connected and spiritually well. Our ego does not want us to get well, joyous or free, or to feel good about ourselves. It wants us dead but would settle for us sick or addicted.

I could have written this verbatim. The only thing I can think of, is that my ego keeps telling me I am no good, unworthy, a piece of crap--believing all the lies from childhood placed there by a mentally ill abusive parent--and I keep believing my ego because it is in the same voice as myself. Exercise was something I used to love and something that made me feel good. But I keep believing the lies that I don't deserve that. Yet the healthy part of me knows that I do deserve it.

I haven't overcome it yet but I'm working on it. I think I have to work on 1)being aware of the ego/addictive voice; 2)telling it "f-k off", or "thanks for sharing" and not listening to it and reminding myself it's all lies; 3)listening to the healthy voice inside of me that says I am a worthy child of God.

I do not think this is a question of longevity in sobriety.

I hope it helps to know you're not the only one struggling with this.

SportsFan15

LiveInPeace, God bless you for the affirmation of my feelings. It DOES help to know that you and others on this thread and beyond understand the struggle.

I'm so.grateful to you, MidnightBlue, Bimini, Dee, and SO many others who have helped me press through....what do I call it?....a locked door of recovery. It got unlocked but still wouldn't budge. Then I signed up on SR and started interacting with you all. You helped me push harder and press through that stuck door.

I agree with so much that you said and referring to the voice as "ego" makes a lot of sense. Having a master's in psych I can't help but think of the traditional meaning of ego from Freud.....but I like what you said....especially about the ego doing push ups.

I said this in a class i was in: "I feel like God is helping me starve my ego. It's getting weaker and smaller, and gasping for breath." God, or our HP, is so much stronger than our egos.....and that is such a comforting thought, my friend! We can sleep soundly knowing that.

Can I just say how much I relate to.the childhood abuse. So tough to get that negative voice out.

I recommend these books:
Toxic Parents (a MUST read)
--if it's for a daughter of narcissistic mother:
"Will I ever be enough?"
"Mothers Who Can't Love"

The last 2 could be beneficial for sons of narcissistic mothers too....but the book a are written from female perspective.

The Toxic parents book changed my world. I cannot explain how much it helped me EXTERNALIZE the addictive/negative/ego voice because I finally saw that my childhood is not my fault. Believing it was my fault was keeping the voice alive.

God bless you LiveInPeace and others here on SR.

MidnightBlue

Sportsfan, I will provide my insight on ego little bit later - just too sleepy at the moment.

But I want to say a big Ditto to Toxic Parents as a must.

This book "accidentally" came across my way a few months ago. I didn't have time to read it until a little bit over a month ago. When I listed major events of 2015 yesterday I put this book there - because it answered the questions which were still torturing me after years in therapy and self-improvement work. I cried a lot while reading it , but felt a great sense of liberation as well.

Happy New Year to you!

LiveInPeace

Thank you for saying that, SportsFan. (((Hugs))) to you. :-) I'm glad I can help someone else because I've been stuck in my own head lately.

It helped me a lot to think of the negative voice this way. All the therapy I've had in the past didn't get me to understand it, because the negative voice was so much a part of me. It was all automatic and I didn't realize it. Now I can try to think of it as "separate" than me, if that makes sense. It was Eckart Tollie that talks about this when he was suicidal and said to himself, "I can't live with myself anymore". He realized there was something separate besides himself, and that it was his mind/ego.

I love that AA slogan about our ego doing push ups. It fights harder, as it sees our recovery getting stronger because it doesn't want to die. Yes I know what you mean, it does get confusing that there's a Freudian way to think of ego, and an AA-recovery way, but it helps me to think of it in the recovery way. But whenever I read about the AV here on SR, I think it's the same exact thing as what we AAers call "ego".

Wow! Yes! That is IT. God/our spirit is what I was taught helps starve....or "crush"....our ego and anytime the ego starts to regrow, we have to turn to God/our spirit to crush it again. I'm curious what class you said this in--curious what kind of class people are talking about God and ego?

I know my recovery would be going better if God wasn't so quiet and my ego wasn't so loud! lol. But the quieter our ego/AV gets, the more we are able to hear God. I've experienced it when my step work was going well.

I wrote more about the childhood abuse on my post but I edited it out. We can talk about it via PM. It's hard for people to understand certain types of childhood abuse/trauma unless they experience it themselves. But I do think that crushing that negative voice is key to my recovery.
Toxic Parents I read about 15 years ago and found myself highlighting every single line. I should re-read it again now that I'm in recovery because when I first read it, it was too much to take in at the time. I have a friend with a narcissistic mother who recommended "Will I ever be enough", as she and I both struggle with the perfectionism that comes from having a narcissistic parent. I didn't read it though. The last title looks very helpful, as I always took my mother's lack of love/conditional love personally. Thinking of her as "spiritually sick" and her actions as "not personal" (via big book work) helped me get somewhat free of that. But I still am struggling with the AA way of treating everyone with love, kindness and tolerance because I think people with narcissistic personality disorder might be an exception to that rule. They'll walk all over it and take advantage of it. What do you think? Perhaps I'll start a new thread with that question one of these days, too.

Is it common for people in recovery to have narcissistic parents?

This has been a lifetime struggle for me and still is, although I'm working on it. I love the scene from the movie Goodwill Hunting where Robin William's character tells him repeatedly, "It's not your fault" until he starts to release the pain via a good cry.

God bless you, too, SportsFan!!

SportsFan15

(((MNB)))!! Total agreement on this book being life changing. I cannot put into words how pivotal it was for me. I had also put in many years in therapy work without getting to the core issues this book presented. A MUST read!

Happy new year to you and I look forward to learning more from each other on SR in 2016!!!!

💓💓💓💓💓

SportsFan15

So much love to you, (((LiveInPeace)))! Aww i could cry cause I relate to your feelings so much....am struggling with the same things right now.

I smiled when you mentioned Good Will Hunting because that scene was haunting to me years ago (before I saw my parents and my childhood for what it was....I was in extreme, delusional denial). And I still am so moved by the scene now. I own the movie and love it. One of my favs.

It's one thing to know logically that it's "not your fault" but it's a whole other experience to feel it deep in your soul.

I feel for us both as we make sense of all this.....narcissistic parents are one of the most challenging things that can happen. It's the main issue from which all other issues spring. The common denominator.

I'd love for you to start a thread about narcissistic parents. I have a hunch many others will benefit.

I strongly recommend "will I ever be enough" book for you. If you had a narcissistic mother, it is a MUST read. Maybe just trust me on that. 😊 The author had a narcissistic mother and really gets it.....she shares our pain.

SportsFan15

LiveInPeace I forgot to tell you....the class was my sunday school class. We have genuine, deep conversations about real life issues at my church.....we are not afraid to talk about the hardcore, uncomfortable stuff like addiction.

I totally agree about God's voice growing clearer, and the ego/AV growing faint. That's amazing!