learning to feel
waking down
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
learning to feel
Chapter one of the first book I started reading after I quit drinking starts with this paragraph: "Long ago, something taught you that feelings aren't safe. You learned that grief, rage, frustration, stress, loneliness, and guilt were your enemies. Maybe you started to believe that they had superpowers, like the power to completely overwhelm you or the power to make you destroy all that you love. Maybe these feelings seemed to have the ability to knock you off your feet for good so that you can't live your life. Maybe it seemed that once the feelings got you in their grasp, you could never tell what you might do. Maybe you learned that you would never be okay unless you found a way not to feel." (The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, Williams and Kraft)
Those lines ticked me off so badly that I almost didn't keep reading, but I was one week sober, vibrating with anxiety and withdrawal, and desperate, so I kept reading, and I am grateful I did. You see, for decades I thought of myself as a good time party dude. I was into adventure, not escape. I just drank too much for too long and it caught up to me, pure and simple.
Now, two years sober today, I can say that is a load of B.S. Sure, I loved my microbrews and good wine and whiskey, I loved the live music and dancing and frivolity (still do, actually), I loved a good time and I loved a good buzz... But I was running away from pain as much as I was running toward adventure. Maybe more.
Through the practices of mindfulness and meditation, I have finally after 40 years of drinking and drugs, faced the traumas of my youth and my life, unblinkingly (certainly not at first), with acceptance, forgiveness, and self-compassion. I can admit that my father's physical and psychological abuse, my neighbor's sexual abuse, the trauma and guilt of watching my best friend in high school die while I was too ****** up to do anything about it, my sister's suicide, my mom's alcoholism, other grief and violence, friends drinking and drugging themselves to death... Yes, these things indeed happened and they affected me deeply. I was afraid of my rage because I was afraid to become my father. I was afraid of my anxiety because I was afraid I would lose my mind like my uncle or sink into irreversible depression like my mom. I was afraid to grieve because I was afraid to be weak.
But today I sit here telling all of you that are new to this sobriety thing that my fears were almost entirely in my head. I have learned to grieve, to feel angry, to feel sad, and even to feel anxious without it descending into crippling fear. My recovery, more than anything else, has been about learning to sit and breathe, accepting each moment as it comes and goes, feeling what I feel without judging myself for those feelings, thinking what I think without judgment, and sensing a tenderness toward myself and others that had never been possible while under the influence.
I tell you this because with gentleness and a little tenacity, we can all be a week, a month, a year or two or more sober, living the full catastrophe with courage and relative calm. I'm not perfect - I have my moments - but life now is far richer and sweeter and happier than I would have ever thought possible. It wasn't easy, but I'm writing this knowing I'm not full of **** (like I used to be).
Happy New Year. Happy New Life.
Those lines ticked me off so badly that I almost didn't keep reading, but I was one week sober, vibrating with anxiety and withdrawal, and desperate, so I kept reading, and I am grateful I did. You see, for decades I thought of myself as a good time party dude. I was into adventure, not escape. I just drank too much for too long and it caught up to me, pure and simple.
Now, two years sober today, I can say that is a load of B.S. Sure, I loved my microbrews and good wine and whiskey, I loved the live music and dancing and frivolity (still do, actually), I loved a good time and I loved a good buzz... But I was running away from pain as much as I was running toward adventure. Maybe more.
Through the practices of mindfulness and meditation, I have finally after 40 years of drinking and drugs, faced the traumas of my youth and my life, unblinkingly (certainly not at first), with acceptance, forgiveness, and self-compassion. I can admit that my father's physical and psychological abuse, my neighbor's sexual abuse, the trauma and guilt of watching my best friend in high school die while I was too ****** up to do anything about it, my sister's suicide, my mom's alcoholism, other grief and violence, friends drinking and drugging themselves to death... Yes, these things indeed happened and they affected me deeply. I was afraid of my rage because I was afraid to become my father. I was afraid of my anxiety because I was afraid I would lose my mind like my uncle or sink into irreversible depression like my mom. I was afraid to grieve because I was afraid to be weak.
But today I sit here telling all of you that are new to this sobriety thing that my fears were almost entirely in my head. I have learned to grieve, to feel angry, to feel sad, and even to feel anxious without it descending into crippling fear. My recovery, more than anything else, has been about learning to sit and breathe, accepting each moment as it comes and goes, feeling what I feel without judging myself for those feelings, thinking what I think without judgment, and sensing a tenderness toward myself and others that had never been possible while under the influence.
I tell you this because with gentleness and a little tenacity, we can all be a week, a month, a year or two or more sober, living the full catastrophe with courage and relative calm. I'm not perfect - I have my moments - but life now is far richer and sweeter and happier than I would have ever thought possible. It wasn't easy, but I'm writing this knowing I'm not full of **** (like I used to be).
Happy New Year. Happy New Life.
waking down
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Originally Posted by KiKi0615 
That's amazing and at only 43 days sober really gave me hope! Thx!
Lately, though, it's mostly good. Keep it up!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Thanks zero! I have been through ALOT of trauma in my life too & drank to numb the pain and feelings for years until the alcohol stopped working.
I am working with a really amazing psychologist who is helping me work thru it.
Any other tips? :-)
I am working with a really amazing psychologist who is helping me work thru it.
Any other tips? :-)
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Powerful and true words. Alcoholism is but a symptom of the demons that haunt us.
If we don't put the pain to bed we will at worse drink again or at best lead a very unhappy sober life
If we don't put the pain to bed we will at worse drink again or at best lead a very unhappy sober life
waking down
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Originally Posted by KiKi0615
Any other tips? :-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 23
Thank you very much for this post. I believe enough is enough for me when it comes to drinking. I cannot moderate. I feel like a fraud for hiding behind alcohol to make me feel better. But I'm scared of what my raw feelings are going to be and how to deal with them without drinking. I'm back on Day 1 again but this post has given me hope. New year, new life.
waking down
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Starsailor, I had those same thoughts - fear of those raw feelings - but they are just feelings, and they come and go like everything else. I was afraid I'd go insane for awhile there, but it didn't happen, not completely anyway.
Jack Kornfield said, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Learning to ride those waves with curiosity and a sense of adventure helps me get through those strong, challenging emotions. It's like, "Oh, wow, that IS one helluva flood of anxiety. How interesting. I can feel it like speed making my skin crawl. Surf that nonsense. It'll pass." And it does... They're just waves. They'll hit the beach and subside...
Jack Kornfield said, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Learning to ride those waves with curiosity and a sense of adventure helps me get through those strong, challenging emotions. It's like, "Oh, wow, that IS one helluva flood of anxiety. How interesting. I can feel it like speed making my skin crawl. Surf that nonsense. It'll pass." And it does... They're just waves. They'll hit the beach and subside...
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
This post was amazing. Thank you.
I struggle so much with allowing myself to feel. I do think that's key to my addictions.
Last night I watched a moving movie without any wine and cried my eyes out. My husband said it seemed like a really healthy release. I actually allowed myself to feel instead of numbing with wine like I used to.
PS - sugar was a gateway "drug" for me too
I struggle so much with allowing myself to feel. I do think that's key to my addictions.
Last night I watched a moving movie without any wine and cried my eyes out. My husband said it seemed like a really healthy release. I actually allowed myself to feel instead of numbing with wine like I used to.
PS - sugar was a gateway "drug" for me too
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
