FreeOwl

Several friends have recently helped remind me that Christmas can be a really dark, difficult time.

It can be made all the more difficult by the ever-present sense that you aren't "allowed" to be sad at Christmas.

Spread cheer. Smile. Laugh. Be joyous and grateful. Be with family, friends, celebrate.

But all the while as these messages fly, there are people who remember family they've lost. There are fathers who grieve that their children aren't with them. There are mothers who long for their babies. There are brothers and sisters who will never feel quite complete again at the holidays. There are memories of shame and regret. There are feelings of inadequacy because there's not enough money to put gifts under the tree. There are feelings of sadness because "what's wrong with ME? Why can't I be HAPPY like everyone else?". There are people watching their loved ones descend ever-further into addiction. There are addicts who relapse. There are parties and there are affairs and there are losses and fears and anger and hurt.

I've come to realize that Christmas has always come with an edge of darkness for me. A little non-descript sadness that perhaps is tied to the loss of "the false dream of Christmas". I don't remember ever having a normal, happy, as-seen-on-TV Christmas. Oh I can recall merriment and I wasn't abused or neglected. But I don't remember Mom and Dad and me and the whole beautiful scene it's supposed to be. Dad wasn't around. Mom did her best. It wasn't horrible... but it wasn't the holiday picture card.

And over the years those dark feelings around the holidays would rear up and I'd drink or drug them away. I'd party on with everyone else - always feeling that slight edge of darkness. Many times making it worse through my actions or isolation or abandonment of self.

A couple years ago it came to a rip-roaring head. All those backed-up, long-denied dark feelings of Christmas led to a Christmas time binge that blew up in my face and marked the beginning of my real sobriety. For that I'm grateful.

Today, I just wanted to offer a reminder.... it's OK to feel a darkness at Christmas.

If you're not feeling joyous and celebratory and if your life isn't a picture postcard vision of the holidays - it's OK to say so. It's OK not to feel jolly. It's OK not to be swimming in the bliss of the season.

It's OK to be sad, mad, fearful, anxious, depressed or just downright sick and tired.

Don't drink over it though. Come out here, have a seat, put on some cocoa and let's share about it. Drinking won't fix it - it'll only make it worse. Sharing it may not fix it either.... but it'll move you in the direction of healing, acceptance, growth. And it'll keep you sober.

Here's to sober holidays - no matter what they feel like to you.

lilgolden73

Thank you! I feel so sad and dark at christmas time

Meraviglioso

Great, great post thank you. I needed to hear that right now. I've always had the kind of Christmas you described- ok, presents, no neglect, happiness; but not an unadulterated, raging joy. This year I am feeling really down. I think it is because last year I travelled with my children to the US and stayed with family and friends and this year I am alone. In any case, i am trying to have a merry Christmas even if it is not full of joy and excitement. YOu are right though, the last thing that will help is drinking.

FreeOwl

well you're not totally alone, M.... you've got us.

learningagain

I agree that a lot of people feel alone and dark. This year money is tight, and I am upset I was not able to get my son the things he really wanted, but I know he will enjoy the presents I found for him. I am alone as my family is all in Europe. This year hurt that my parents are going on and on about everything they got my niece and nephew, yet my son gets nothing. He does not even know his dad's side of the family, so when mine also bail, it becomes a very small world (I think the alcoholism for decades is beginning to truly show in my parents and this is a big part of the issue).

Fortunately I have friends who act essentially as grandparents (Grandma and uncle). With the abuse issues this year, I have not been ready to introduce son to Mr. Fireman's parents and siblings, even though I am sure they would be fine, I think I took a "circle the wagons" approach and have been very defensive about who is around him.

I am sure once son is here I will feel happier.

Soberwolf

just remember we've all been there but with SR were all in this together no one has to feel alone another reason I love this community

Remember there is the chatroom if anyone wants to chat reach out asap etc

KAD

That hit the nail on the head, FreeOwl. This is by far the toughest, most painful holiday season I've ever had to face.

livinginhope

Christmas is ghastly for many of us. Nothing but loneliness, regret, ache, tears. I despise it, and everywhere you go the relentless songs mock you. Friends invite you to parties and get-togethers, but there will be a lot of drinking at them, so that's out.

I'll be glad when it is over.

forabetterlife

What a great post free owl and a good reminder of reality rather than a fantasy that many of us will not have. And the truth that drinking over it is not the solution. Thank you

MythOfSisyphus

Holidays are extra tough for a lot of people. The fact that they're traditionally times for family and togetherness can make things a lot worse if you're already lonely. Seeing everyone else happy and with family and friends is hard for folks that they have no family and few or no friends.

Luckily there's SR! I expect many of us will be dropping in here and there over the holidays.

DuhDave

Very good Owl. I agree 100%.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you my friend...

Whether we feel like it or not...It's OK.

DD

red3215

I just heard someone on the radio explain that the number of people seeing therapists rises this time of year. Some of it could be due to the weather changing to bleak. But yes, there's also a sense that you're supposed to be happy and that everyone but you is. Can make a person feel extra alone with their grief.

I've stopped participating in the gift giving ritual and it helped my stress level go down at least. Glad you posted this.

Leshar

Thank you for this post. It struck a chord with me.

FreeOwl

Having spent a few hours yesterday and today, wandering around stores feeling numb and bleak and glum trying to figure out what to get for whom... and the various combinations of things from whom to whom (shopping for the kids to get things for people - while they're in school because we hadn't gotten it all done yet and split custody makes it twice as hard because there's always half the time) - I find myself longing to drop out of the gift-giving ritual.

It seems like Christmas is mostly an engine for the continuation of buying crap we don't really need, to keep the machine of the false economy going.

I quietly long for the days when people had the time and the skills to make some sort of meaningful gift for one another. One thing, made personally for someone. But now families are so blended and fragmented and people are so poor in time and energy.... it's like this mad race to the finish line this time of year; rushing around trying to find crap to give because we feel obligated to complete the checklist - even as we quietly know inside that it's all crap.

Oh, I'm sure I could begin my gift shopping in say February.... finding a meaningful thing throughout the year for everyone. But that never seems to happen.

By the time Christmas gets here, we're run down and stressed out and feeling like crap - then there's a wild hour or two of gift unwrapping and it's all over. We take a deep breath, spend a day or two trying to recuperate as we clean up from it all, and go back to work exhausted.

I dream of just taking the whole family and going camping or on a trip somewhere away from all that madness.

Anyway - my rant and my glumness is probably pretty trivial relative to the pain that many deal with at this time of year. But even as a reasonably well-off middle-class American man with three kids and a fiancee and a loving family - I find this whole thing to be increasingly depressing and frustrating.

Soberwolf

You have helped a ton of people here time and again FO

I want to mention the camping trip as you have & maybe you could plan that for next year ?

In the meantime try to remember how Awesome you are & stick close esp in times when you feel like this

FreeOwl

thanks, buddy.

Christmas.

The good news is that in a couple more days, at least I'll get to watch my daughters revel in the joy of it, and my sister who has always loved it....

and then, it'll be done and over and we can move on.

The girls go home to their mom's on Christmas day for the rest of break. Seems like every year, I wind up with the short end of the stick on the break time. It's depressing and lonesome when they go, and triggers my own sense of loss from living in a split home as a kid. Makes it worse that the kids are now expressing that they don't WANT to go back to their mom's. Instead of doing the things they love like skiing and sledding and going outside and going on hikes and doing fun things together - at her place they just have to sit inside and constantly watch TV while she feeds her Internet addiction and her untreated mental / emotional disorders.

So I stress out up until Christmas morning. Christmas Day, I have a few hours of joy. Then they go, and it shifts into loss and longing and remorse and grief.

Yayyy. Christmas.

Tonight the Lady and I were going over the list of all the crap we still need to get. Family gifts. Not truly needed... but still, it's Christmas. We'll get things and we feel the powerful obligation - and the true desire also - to give, not just recieve. Yet here we are on the countdown. Already spent too much money. More money 'needs' to be spent. Rush rush rush to get things, wrap things, set things out, plan dinners, make arrangements.... race race race.

I think it would be so nice if we could all just relax at this time of year. Hang out with our families. Write poetry together. Paint things. Sing songs. Pick up long-neglected instruments and make music.

Christmas.

Eff Christmas!!!

It's a love-hate relationship. I love the IDEA of Christmas... but hate the IDEAL of it.

Anyway, thanks for the continued indulgence of my rant. I'm glad to be able to share it, get it out, see it for what it is, acknowledge these feelings, not feel 'bad' about feeling them.

And now... back to sorting and wrapping and list-making and stressing out.

keeppushing

Hi FreeOwl, really sorry to hear that you're unhappy. I've got some ideas, and I know that you'll like them since unsolicited advice is the best kind (my low self-esteem had to make an appearance):

Maybe one way to think of it that might help is that it is repayment of Christmas from when you were a kid (I am assuming you found it magical back then). Or maybe you could try the gratitude part: you have a family with you (go read my Purgatory of Loneliness for a baseline in self-pity ).

If that doesn't help, then just remember that we're here thinking of you.

KP