Highwind

Hi Rake, hope you didn't take my original post as a judgement, it wasn't intended that way. What i said about commitment wasn't like me saying use more willpower...i meant more throwing yourself into it and make your life revolve around your recovery for a while. You got to smash that AV down whenever it crops up.....and allow no room for negotiation in your head. Invest time into your recovery, read everything you can find that interests you on addiction, get to a meeting and talk to other people who really understand what your going through. Write a list of all the things you regret that are caused by alcohol and drugs. I did this and it's a very powerful document to read through. I was brutally honest and find it tough to actually read that stuff about myself.

I've tried a lot of times to just say in my head "right no more drinking for me" and then sat and done nothing else and then oddly enough when the memory of that bad hangover has gone I'd just end up drinking again.

Mountainmanbob

Thank for reminding me of how it was.
A better life awaits you
but, you will need to stop running with the devil.

Let us not forget
he wishes to destroy us.

As we look around we see where the devil is winning many battles.
But, he will not win the war.

M-Bob

Hawkeye13

Hi Rake;
I also had to rethink / retool my social life to succeed in quitting.
Being around people drinking led me to drink.
I dropped my social circle, joined a gym, started hiking,
and essentially "reset" my life.
I focused on doing well at work, getting adequate sleep and eating well.
I briefly went in for some cognitive therapy to get in touch with some
underlying issues which were quite triggering and part of the
reason I was choosing to drink despite how obviously harmful it was.

I've done really well with this except for the times when I think I
can "moderate" like I have some kind of control over the addiction.
That takes me (thankfully briefly) back to square one for awhile. . .

I over-intellectualize and theorize most everything.
Part of the reason is because that is my work, but really
the truth is thinking it out is much easier than taking uncomfortable action.

Please read Dee's last post again. That looks like what may be happening.
Intentions are not manifest in the physical world, at least not for awhile
Concrete action is. Take appropriate steps to stop beyond thought and words,
and perhaps your intentions will catch up.

You can do it, but you must break the cycle and do it soon.
Seedy cocaine bars in strange cities on the continent don't sound like
a safe place to be out of control, especially if your flush with cash and
careless / cavalier in your actions when loaded.

Best to you--you can beat this--first steps are hard but it can be done.

Saskia

Hi Rake,

I agree with much of what has been said here. I just want to add one thing from my experience: I believe I was committed but kept on failing miserably for 2 or 3 very long years. I finally had to add multiple things to beat this thing. Besides AA (and I'm not religious), I did an IOP and other things. I finally succeeded and have now been sober for 15 months. It is so worth it and you are worth it.

OpenTuning

Hi TheRake

Sorry to hear how things went out of control for you.

I remember your first posts on here. It was right after a similar bender and you were determined that would be the last one. You were full of energy and enthusiasm, bullish, determined.

And here you are again.

I don't mean this in any way judgmentally. That is something that happens frequently. But perhaps an idea might be to go back and read those first posts, and think hard about why that enthusiasm and, yes, commitment, didn't last. Not to beat yourself up about it, but to figure out what you can do differently this time so the same thing doesn't happen again.

Finding the right plan, an approach you fully believe in and can stick to, can take time. Some people get it first time, others need to constantly tweak their plan, add new elements, take bits out, or even try something completely different. But doing the same things and hoping for a different result is probably the least successful option.

It does really sound that you know the way you're living right now is not sustainable. Which is the biggest step towards a new life. The question now is just about how you can make the changes you need to make. I'm sure you can do this.

TheRake

Highwind,

thanks for taking the time to explain and your suggestions. I get what you mean now. a little raw earlier to say the least. But making a solid commitment to sobriety does make sense.

it's funny you mention the list. Sunday morning walking home (I was planning on having a few congacs and putting myself to bed.....but of course that went pear shaped because of....that one drink that started the domino effect) I was thinking about my litany of drunken errors and episodes in 2015.......and it doesn't read good. Constantly on/off this year. and for what....this weekend......last weekend......I've taken no enjoyment from it. It's just pure addiction when that one drink enters my body it changes my very being.

I can pull myself out of this self made pit of shite. I think I've just about covered every mistake that I could possibley make.

Damn, shouldn't this be so simple....don't take the first drink.

tomsteve

youre right, this commitment is a lot more than trying out for the school football team. if youre cut from that tryout it wont kill you.

why youre in a hole could very well be because you havent surrendered-admitting alcohol and drugs beat your ass to a pulp and youre still trying to fight even after theyve knocked you out.

commitment requires the willingness to do whatever action is necessary to recover.

Fly N Buy

Here's some thoughtful words you posted a month back = Successfull people are willing to do what unsuccessfull people are unwilling to do. Things that are easy to do, but so tragically easy not to do. Forget the past. Taking responsibility for your life means focusing on the present moment and choosing live enhancing choices with one eye one the future. Forget the past. Goodbye poison. Goodbye the past. Hello new day. hello new life.

I can do this. And I can do it now.



Action is the key......

TheRake

OT,

You're right, I agree with you.

I've let outside circumstances drag me down instead of taking corrective/proactive action. I've really fallen into a dark state of sadness.

It has to be right now. it literally is life or death right now and I have to choose. I live or I die. Everytime I walk pass the river which is every day....I'm feeling an urge to jump into the waters. Now, I'm not saying that looking for attention nor am I saying it's something that I'm contemplating or planning. If it was I wouldn't say it. What I am saying is I'm feeling an urge from within. Now I wouldn't have this urge if I hadn't plunged myself into an alcoholic and drug depression. I know life can be (what you make of it) fantastic. I had periods of sobriety and to just reach that state were you have an overall general sense of well being......just happy to be alive and taking pleasure from simple things......I know it's achievable.

This sucks right now and it's in no way worth it

SusanE

I hope you are okay.

CelticZebra

Just a little bit at a time, one step at a time.
The first and only step to concentrate on is the simplest and the hardest.... DO NOT DRINK THE FIRST ONE!

Very sad reading this, feeling incredibly down myself, it's so hard some days,

I'm glad I can say no to the first one which prevents the others and the 'recreational drugs' becoming a problem any longer.

I know it can be done and I've been in places like you too and still here to try and help others stuck in the horrible clutches of addiction.

Everyone has great advice/info/sharing here, it's so nice to be among others that understand how hard it is.

We can overcome this together, one day at a time, a minute at a time, if necessary to start with but as we grow stronger in sobriety we realise that changes need to take place within our lives and selves to continue to live this way successfully and not get dragged back to the pit of despair.

Hope your plan works to stop and stay stopped, ride out the withdrawals and then get some help, in whatever form is best for you, and get away from this place which sounds so removed from peace and sobriety.

Hang in there, it will get better (eventually) or it will definitely get worse if you continue to treat yourself in such a way.

Hope I'm not too harsh, just my thoughts/feelings, oh, that reminds me, if emotions are out of control, self-medicating in this fashion will worsen those negative feelings.
Treating feelings of depression and related conditions are counter-intuitive in a lot of cases and things can be sorted out through education and mindfulness tools such as CBT, EBT and other behavioural therapies.

Keep on keeping on

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

Pondlady

Have you thought of something you could do, when you're depressed in bed, other than drink or drug?

Once I made up my mind to not drink, I changed up my schedule, so I wasn't doing the same things when I usually drank. I took a lot of walks and if the weather was bad, I'd actually get in my car and go someplace ( alcohol free ) till the urge was passed.

Commitment is simple, not easy. Start the new week, in a new way.

Soberwolf

Have you spoke to a Dr

EndGameNYC

You tend to use language that is vague, indecisive, and certainly noncommittal. These qualities also seem to have adversely affected the rest of your life.

There is no such thing as being "kind of" sober, though many here have failed in the attempt. Unfortunately, you don't get "kind of" wasted; you rush in with abandon and without forethought.

It might help to slow yourself down and take account of the reality that there are always increasingly wretched consequences whenever you take a leap of bad faith.

TheRake

No.

I don't have a doctor here. I'm going home for Christmas though....if I manage to book a flight.

TheRake

Good comment.

I know, I'm snatching at the quick fix. Everyone I know, everything I have is on quick sand. I need to build things/relationships/sobriety with more patience and care. Things and people that are worth having....takes time to construct. Strong foundations rather than quick sand.

impulsive decisions. I've just made another one.

OpenTuning

That's great that you have that understanding about the need to change. So the question now is what is that corrective/proactive action you mentioned going to be? What concrete plan are you putting in place? What will you do differently to last time? What concrete, specific steps will you follow when those urges hit?

Right now your body is still feeling the effects of your last binge, so it's probably fairly easy to be determined to quit. But soon those toxins will have left your body, your mood will lift, and your AV will come back out and start asking for some more drink and drugs. That's when you need your plan to kick in.

Right now, while your wounds are fresh, so to speak, is the time to work on that plan. Every single one of us has probably had that "never again" feeling in the depths of the hangover from Hell. But in my case, for 30 years, I started drinking again as soon as I felt better. Don't trust that you'll do it later.

So by right now, I mean take a break from reading this forum, write up your plan, and come back when you've got some ideas down and perhaps let us know what you've come up with. If you want suggestions, there's a lot of people who'd love to throw some ideas at you

doggonecarl

I have a long and broken track record of quitting drugs and drink. Lots of attempts and lots of failures. But a pretty good track record with recovery. This is my second go around and so far, so good.

Once you understand the difference between abstinence and recovery...and actually attempt the latter, you might have some chance of success.

ScottFromWI

You use a lot of "if's" and "kind of's" in your dialogue. The place you are right now is a place most of us have been - despair, anxiety, feeling as if you just want to crawl away into a hole and never come out.

There is a way out..but you have to make it happen. It won't be easy, and it won't be pleasant initially. But It will be worth it in the long run.

stevieg46

Rake we have a choice , what kind of guy do you want to be ?.

You can either live with the problem ? or live with the solution .

If its the solution? then you need to stop and detach from like minded people

Then you must associate with people who are staying stopped Face to face preferably , get phone numbers and stay away from bars and clubs '' for now ''.

Stevie.