sourbaby1986

Hi everybody. I'm going to just lay out the scoop. First of all, I'm here so clearly I think something is wrong.

I'm 30, highly educated, successful in my career, well traveled, I have a great life. But I am absolutely torn up inside most of the time and have been for many years. I have low self esteem, suffer from intense anxiety and depression, and mood swings. I feel I have a general feeling of dissatisfaction, negativity, and constant gloom that doesn't lift. I've been treated for anxiety and depression, used medication and therapy to no avail. But everything kinda looks ok.

My history in a nutshell: I remember wanting to get high before I ever tried a drug. Maybe like 12 or 13. I remember trying to get high off nail polish and having no clue what I was doing. I wanted to escape since I was a kid.

No massive childhood trauma like abuse. My mother was very mean to me, dad left when I was 14, and I absolutely took the brunt of my mothers meanness. Anyway.

Food became an issue when I was about 14. I gained a bunch of weight and started starving myself. Never got too skinny for anyone to be overly concerned. I felt great, but I was starving myself. Drank typically as a teen, used lsd a few times smoked a lot of pot. Got pretty deep with cocaine for a year here and a year there, using by myself or in public restrooms and friends bathrooms and sneaking it. But I was able to kick it. But I always go back to using something. Sometimes I have drank before work, or left work to drink in the day. Food became a big problem with binging and sometimes purging and I went into OA, a 12 step program for compulsive eating. Did that for a few years, probably incorrectly, and quit.

I'm always taking something. Always. Started taking lorazepam a few years ago cause life felt unbearable. And ambien which was great cause it totally messed me up. I'll take a pain pill if it's available, I'll take some pseudo ephedrine if I can't get anything else. I kicked the lorazepam which was hell, only to start taking Xanax a year later. Drink plus Xanax was a disaster, switched to klonopin. Then someone gave me an adderall and I thought life was going to be forever fixed. Now I just feel like a machine taking adderall to dull my depression, it makes me angry and snippy but I don't know what else to do. Then taking klonopin to balance out the negatives of the adderall. I don't love alcohol, it makes me quite sick, but if there's nothing else l will drink. My birthday was last week and I couldn't handle it so I drank before work with a klonopin and adderall just to get me up and moving.

But my life doesn't look like a huge mess. Everyone says its in my head. I don't take massive doses of drugs. Right now I can't stop, but it's more habitual than impulsive - I don't tell myself I have to stop. I tell myself I can't stop now I have too much stuff I need to get done.

Truth is when I stop, I'm miserable. I was miserable before I ever started down this path. I can't find any peace. But I don't feel I identify as an alcoholic or an addict. I'm not a junkie, I'm not going to die, but I'm really really restless, irritable and discontent.

My excuses: I don't want to stop drinking cause of my social life. I can't stop the drugs now cause work is too important. Then i think ok I just need to stop the drugs, but if I go to 12 step they will make me quit drinking too. And I don't think I belong in 12 step cause I'm not low enough. I relate to a lot of things in the big book, but I don't feel the allergy of the body, well to alcohol anyway. And I can't go to NA cause what am I addicted to 1mv of klonopin a day? And 15mg of adderall? Please. But I am extremely sensitive to drugs.

I don't know what to do. I have no idea what to do. I want to be happy, but I can't seem to get there and in pushing so hard to ether DRIVE so hard with the adderall, or numb with Xanax or pain pills or alcohol if necessary. Or, food restriction (which is so damn effective...ugh).

Where do I belong? Am I creating problems of nothing? Is anyone else pretty functional? My friends would think I'm crazy if I got help. Any advice is appreciated.

SB86

Dee74

Hi SB

There's not many of us who live by the label 'functioning addict' around here...in my experience it just means that things haven't quite got so bad yet that everything has come down crashing around your ears...but you've probably found yourself spending greater and greater amounts of energy to keep up appearances?

Things will get worse I'm afraid...Addiction is progressive.

It's pretty swift too in the change from managing, more or less, to not managing at all...that switch from looking ok from the outside most days and nights, to people talking behind their hands about you is very very quick, believe me.....

The good news is you can get out now tho...it's not exactly easy but it will be easier than in 2, 5 or 10 years time.

There's not one of us who knew how to live 'straight' but we all learned...you can too

There's amazing support and guidance here.

I'm glad you found us

D

Soberwolf

Welcome Sourbaby SR is here for you

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Sourbaby!!

"Functional" in my experience was not a destination, it was only a stage on the slippery slope, are we really saying that alcohol and substances are a long term solution to dealing with life? (the exception being properly prescribed medication)

I also used to look at my life and justify my drinking, because I hadn't any major disasters, but again recognising that I had crossed over from the wanting to the needing alcohol is a red flag.

You say when you've stopped, you're not happy, how long did you give it? as the first few months of any Sobriety can be rough, it takes time to build a life away from addiction, and that when we boil it all down is what it is, being addicted to something, regardless of whether we view it as "functioning" or not.

We have to make a decision about our own life, forget about what other people think or will say, they don't get to feel unhappy on your behalf, only you have to deal with that, and so give happiness a chance, what's the worst that could happen in Sobriety, you feel even more unhappy?

You'll find loads of support here to help out!!

ubntubnt

hi Sourbaby, welcome to the site. Like you I have a big job that is important to me and am well educated. Most, if not all people who know me would be shocked if the heard that I was an alcoholic though they know I like my booze.
The reality is that I am an alcoholic, it has been getting worse and I don't doubt that it will kill me one day if I don't quit. As Dee mentioned, addiction is progressed and you have already gone well down that road. So you can quit now or, if you are lucky, get to quit later.

A lot of people around here say that if addiction is causing problems in your life then you have a problem. And if you feel you have a problem then you almost certainly do.

Hang around, read as much as you can and you will see many stories like yours. As you read around my guess is that you will start to formulate a plan for how you are going to handle this. Good luck

OpenTuning

Hi Sourbaby,

Welcome to the forums!

I'm thinking that when you read back what you just posted, it will help clarify in your mind whether you have a problem with drink and/or drugs. It certainly reads that way to me, based purely on what you wrote. There is a myth out there that alcoholics or drug abusers are those people lying soaked in their own urine in an alleyway, missing teeth, bottles in bags, track marks down their arms. If you aren't like that, then you're fine. That isn't true.

We have a substance abuse problem when we feel we have a substance abuse problem. Everyone's situation is different. There will always be someone using far more than you do. There will always be a rock bottom even further down from where you are. Forget about everyone else. Are you happy with the role drugs and alcohol are playing in your life? From your post it sure doesn't sound like it.

These forums are full of wonderful advice and suggestions on ways to start a sober life. Just about every recovery method invented is discussed on here, and someone has used it to get sober. Read around the different sections to get ideas. Most important read other people's stories to see how they got sober, and the benefits. You may well see aspects of your own story reflected in others, something I found of real benefit when I was first thinking about quitting.

In my case, like you nobody was telling me to stop. In fact people were surprised when I did. I chose to get off the escalator before it reached the bottom. Most of my struggle was hidden from other people. And for many years (decades) I hid it from myself. I was fine. I wasn't in the gutter. I could go days without a drink if I wanted to. Sure, I had occasional blackouts, alienated friends, lost relationships, blew job opportunities, had to be picked up from the police station once, but everyone does that, right?

You do mention some underlying issues, that it sounds like you haven't managed to address yet (self-medicating doesn't have a good track record for that, to put it mildly). And you say you tried therapy. I can't help feeling that some kind of counselling would be a better way to deal with those issues. There are many different types and approaches of counselling out there. CBT, Person Centred, Psychodynamic, etc. Is it possible that you just haven't found the right approach? Or even just the right counsellor? Or perhaps you just didn't stick with it for long enough? The process can take a while.

Whatever you decide to do, it's fantastic that you've come here and are seriously examining your relationship with drugs and alcohol. I hope you stick around. There are a lot of people here who will want to do everything we can to support you.

doggonecarl

If you know you should stop drugs and can't, it's a problem, no matter what you call it.

I started using early, pretty much anything I could get, but got hooked on meth and pot. Quit speed in my twenties, all the other drugs at 30. But keep drinking, because drinking wasn't my problem. Till I was 40. Then it was.

Restless, irritable and discontent describes me well.

I found a solution. Quit drinking at 53. In hindsight, and with the clear eyes of a person in recovery, my life was a mess. As yours probably is, though you keep minimizing the impact of the drugs.

My advice: get clean, get your life straightened out. Learn to live in your skin.

Don't wait

bigsombrero

Hi Sourbaby,

I have low self esteem, suffer from intense anxiety and depression, and mood swings. I feel I have a general feeling of dissatisfaction, negativity, and constant gloom that doesn't lift. I've been treated for anxiety and depression, used medication and therapy to no avail.

Hmmm. How is this "functional", exactly? You are still employed and have some cash in your bank....but aside from that you're sick, depressed, anxious and living in denial and fear.

That's no way to live, Sourbaby. In regards to your social life, we all have to grow up sometime. There's a reason that bars and pubs are dominated by a younger crowd - after 30, many people wise-up and move on. If you can't picture a social life without drinking, then maybe it's time to get on the right track.

Welcome. We've been there, it's no fun figuring out how to rearrange your life. But it can be done. First step is to stop the madness, just one day at a time. Good luck!

sourbaby1986

I guess I just justify it, that I could stop and I just don't want to. I'm not a real addict: a real addict wants to stop and can't. I don't really want to stop, cause I really do feel like drugs make me better.

They make me smarter, cooler more relaxed more friendly more productive. I really believe that drugs make me a better person. The only way I was able to stop before is when I decided that I was better without drugs. And I was basically damaging my brain.

I live in Arizona and there are pills anonymous meetings here. There's one tonight. I should probably check it out.

Thanks everyone. I'm always looking for validation that I have an actual problem and nobody will say I do. They will say I should "cut back" or something. Can anyone relate?

Maybe I just want attention. That rings over and over. Maybe I just need attention. Maybe I just need attention and to belong, and this is my way of doing it. This is how I talk myself out of getting any help.

EndGameNYC

Being anxious and depressed, constantly feeling "torn up inside," and needing alcohol and drugs in order to just feel okay. And eating disorders. You take or have taken a wide range of substances in order to feel something like normal, or at least to not feel miserable, but it's destroying the most important part of your life, your very being. The time and effort you expend just to keep your secrets is probably an enormous strain on you, one that may even be invisible to you to one extent or another. You may not feel that you "belong" in a 12-Step program, but I don't believe that it's because you're not yet "low enough."

I was able to get myself to work, keep up appearances and thereby convince myself that I didn't have that big of a problem, but I was nowhere near working on all cylinders in any of my chosen role responsibilities. Many people are extremely reluctant to jump in when they see that we're going downhill -- particularly when we're in the process of falling from a seemingly high level of productivity and functioning -- and as we know, outward appearances often tell us nothing about what's going on internally. Over time, everyone seemed to notice, but that's very much beside the point. I sacrificed my internal life, my relationships, my work, my health and my integrity in order to continue drinking. As Dee said, my decline happened very quickly and it was, in every possible way, a point-of-no-return for me. I ended up losing everything.

You'll do what you will, but as time goes by, your consequences will be increasingly painful and some of the damage may be irreparable.

doggonecarl

You define an addict as this:

I would define an addict as someone who thinks:

PurpleKnight

The people here on SR are giving you plenty of validation, I don't think anyone has said so far that "nope, you're fine, go right ahead and keep drinking and taking pills"

Deep down that's probably why you joined up, for someone to say it straight.

This is the best place for sound advice on the situation, as there are plenty of people here that should know a lot about it, when fellow addicts say there's a problem I'd take it that they maybe know a few things about the ins and outs having been there and got the box of T-shirts!!

AnvilheadII

"functioning" is just a PHASE of addiction - very much still in denial and thinking "oh hell, I GOT this!". however i think when most think of that term it's someone who can drink and do drugs and THEN go do stuff like work, PTA, social events. in your case, you admit you have to TAKE STUFF in ORDER to do these things....

I'm always taking something. Always. Started taking lorazepam a few years ago cause life felt unbearable. And ambien which was great cause it totally messed me up. I'll take a pain pill if it's available, I'll take some pseudo ephedrine if I can't get anything else. I kicked the lorazepam which was hell, only to start taking Xanax a year later. Drink plus Xanax was a disaster, switched to klonopin. Then someone gave me an adderall and I thought life was going to be forever fixed. Now I just feel like a machine taking adderall to dull my depression, it makes me angry and snippy but I don't know what else to do. Then taking klonopin to balance out the negatives of the adderall. I don't love alcohol, it makes me quite sick, but if there's nothing else l will drink. My birthday was last week and I couldn't handle it so I drank before work with a klonopin and adderall just to get me up and moving.

what you describe above is someone who lives to use and uses to live. you cannot fathom life without drugs. you even believe that drugs are making everything better, yet your statement above clearly denies that. you are the "What you got?" type of, um, drug user, meaning you'll take anything, without a whole lot of thought or preference.

while today, 12-10-15, you may still be able to appear to have it all together, and be able to make it to work and do your job, in all seriousness just how much longer do you think you can keep this charade up before you make a mistake, or get too f'd up at the wrong time, or pass out or worse? the bad things just haven't happened to you......YET.

but you are HERE, you found SR and i doubt that was by accident! so welcome. keep posting and talking things out. it's really scary to think about making big changes.....

bigsombrero

I know what you mean - your friends in real life will tell you to "cut back", etc. I had the same issue with alcohol back when things were getting bad for me. Heck, I still even have a few friends that have suggested new ideas for me and I've been sober 3.5 years!

Your friends don't know what to tell you, they're not addicts and the ones who ARE addicts probably don't want you to stop. Just listen to this crowd here - sounds like you have a problem to us. We've been there. Hope you get off this roller coaster before the ride goes off the rails.

Dee74

Hi sourbaby

Sorry to have to tell you this, but I think that having a clear drink/drug/food problem and not wanting to stop is the very definition of a 'real addict'.

D

OnMyWay7

People think alcohol makes them funnier and witty. Just observe drunk/drugged people they are not any of those things. They are drunk.

Berrybean

I agree 100% with this.

I didn't lose my job or my relationship either. But that was more due to luck than anything else.

Sounds like you've found yourself in that vicious cycle of addiction that we all did at one point. Active addicts are brilliant at thinking that their addiction of choice is the solution rather than recognising / accepting that it is the problem. And even when we think we've 'got it', our AV (addictive voice) keeps on and on for us to indulge it, with it's false promises and out-and-out lies.

Ask yourself. Do you want things to change? If so, remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. And the only thing that you can change is your actions and your perspective. The 12-steps can help you with that, if you're willing to put the work in.

Berrybean

Hi - nice to meet you. A lot of what you say resonated with me, and is pretty much where I'd got to in Feb 2013, before I decided that I had to kill myself. Then I decided that maybe, before I took such drastic action, I should just try ditching the alcohol. I did this for a month on my own before reaching out and grabbing the life-bouy which was (for me) AA.

The beauty of the internet is that you can ignore any advice given that you don't agree with or want to hear, and that is your choice. But things can get better if you lean through your fear; ignore the AV (addictive voice) in your head that tells you that you can't do this thing called life without feeding it. That alcohol and drugs are the solution (they are the problem). That you deserve a drink / drugs. That you're different from everyone else. That your friends will leave you / laugh at you if you get sober or reach for help. Please, read on here often, and get to meetings, listen to recovery tapes - anything to drown out that AV. It is an evil, stinking liar and not to be trusted. You deserve to be happy, and at peace with yourself, and free from your addictions and that IS possible.

"... I am absolutely torn up inside most of the time and have been for many years. I have low self esteem, suffer from intense anxiety and depression, and mood swings. I feel I have a general feeling of dissatisfaction, negativity, and constant gloom that doesn't lift. I've been treated for anxiety and depression, used medication and therapy to no avail. But everything kinda looks ok. "

Ummmmm - how is any of this 'Okay'????

• low self esteem
• intense anxiety
• depression
• mood swings
• dissatisfaction
• negativity
• constant gloom

It sound like the 'Malady' of addiction straight down the line to me. Right up to the whole disparity between your insides and your outsides, worrying about what others think (when they're only going by your outsides) over what you know. You know what - as an alcoholic I managed to build up a pretty shiny and impressive 'Outside'. All my friends couldn't understand how / why I felt how I did. They didn't think I had a 'problem' with alcohol. And I couldn't make them understand - not without having to tell them all the secret shameful stuff that I was keeping hidden so well, And that was NOT going to happen.

"...No massive childhood trauma like abuse. My mother was very mean to me, dad left when I was 14, and I absolutely took the brunt of my mothers meanness..."
Disfunctional family life can set us off to a rocky start. We learn pretty crappy strategies for dealing with life (dealing with it on OUR terms generally). Many people who work the 12-step programs that you mention find peace and joy in life when they learn new and better ways of dealing with life, (on life's terms). But the work isn't just 'Done' and forgotten about. We need to keep working on our recovery to maintain a healthy sobriety.

"...My birthday was last week and I couldn't handle it so I drank before work with a klonopin and adderall just to get me up and moving..."
... ummm - again, how is this 'Okay'? Sounds pretty like unmanageable to me.

...But my life doesn't look like a huge mess....
Really?? I think your perspective may be a little off kilter. It sounds like a fiasco to me.

"...Truth is when I stop, I'm miserable. I was miserable before I ever started down this path. I can't find any peace..."
Perhaps you've been looking in the wrong place? And abstinence is not the same as recovery. Initially you will feel a bit miserable, because you're still learning the new strategies and getting used to a major change in your life. That's okay - those feelings will pass, as long as you're doing your recovery work and staying sober you'll learn how to deal with pretty much anything . (A mere birthday will be a pee in the wind!!)

"... But I don't feel I identify as an alcoholic or an addict...."
Really?? That's interesting.

"...I'm not a junkie, I'm not going to die, but I'm really really restless, irritable and discontent...."
Maybe not, but it's a bit of a game of russian roulette really. Alcoholism is progressive. Who knows where it can take us?? I'm sure that's pretty much what every addict / alcoholic whose addiction finally has some part in their demise thought at some point.

"... I don't want to stop drinking cause of my social life. I can't stop the drugs now cause work is too important...."
So you can't socialise or work without alcohol or drugss, but you're not an addict. Go figure.

"... if I go to 12 step they will make me quit drinking too. And I don't think I belong in 12 step cause I'm not low enough."
They can't MAKE you do anything - only you can do this. You.
You're not low enough?? How low do you want to get before you think you'll be ready?

"...I relate to a lot of things in the big book, but I don't feel the allergy of the body, well to alcohol anyway. And I can't go to NA cause what am I addicted to 1mv of klonopin a day? And 15mg of adderall? Please. But I am extremely sensitive to drugs..."
It's not really the amounts that are important though. It's what it does for us and to us, and how it f**ks up our lives. Anyway you would be in a room full of people who weren't taking ANY of it any more, but are still working on their recovery.

"...I don't know what to do. I have no idea what to do. I want to be happy, but I can't seem to get there and in pushing so hard to ether DRIVE so hard with the adderall, or numb with Xanax or pain pills or alcohol if necessary. Or, food restriction (which is so damn effective...ugh)..."
Well, the drugs and the drink aren't working are they. And one definition of insanity is repeating the same actions over and over and still expecting different results.


"...Am I creating problems of nothing?..."
No. You're sick and tired of feeling awful and want things to get better than they are. Whether you've actually understood the real choice yet, I don't know. I.e. You can start to work on this to recover, or carry on and things will eventually get worse. They just will.

"...Is anyone else pretty functional? ..."
I has pretty much exact thoughts as you are having now when I first came to sobriety (hence the long reply I suppose), as did many people I've met in the rooms of AA and NA

"...My friends would think I'm crazy if I got help..."
They wouldn't think you were crazy if they knew EVERYTHING would they?! But they only see the Outside. The outer shell. And if that was all you had to live with, that'd be fine. But you have to live with your insides. Anyway - you haven't got to talk to them about it. Your recovery can be private. All they need to know is that you choose not to drink / drug any more, and if any of them has issues with that, then I'd respectfully suggest that better friends are the order of the day.

"...Any advice is appreciated..."
You're welcome

Wishing you hope and acceptance on your path to sobriety, peace, joy and serenity.


SB86[/QUOTE]