I am back... it's been tough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 65
I am back... it's been tough
I need to check back in and say "Hi" once again, since it's been so long. I am an opiate addict, but have been on buprenorphine maintenance for many years now, at least 10. I get nothing from it, other than an avoidance of witdrawal, BUT... I've tried so many times to be completely free, and when I do, the depression that lasts for months is brutal (approaching suicidal). So I'd rather live as I do, and am content.
WAS content, until I began to drink more and more. I should have realized that my brain/personality is prone to addiction, But noooo, I had to search for the numbness, the relief, that comes from a substance.
So I've screwed myself up again. Last few years, my drinking has skyrocketed. I cut everclear 50/50 with water, put it in a water bottle, and I'd sip it almost continuously. Towards the end, I'd wake with the shakes, so I put the bottle on my nightstand, I'd wake at 3:00 AM, take a healthy swig, then continue all next day. I'd never get so drunk that it'd show. It simply numbed me. Tolerance got so bad, I'd probably blow a 0.10 most of the time, yet was never called on it. - "functional alcoholic" I guess is what they call it. But it stole all my motivation, and I could tell it was hurting me, BAD. Worse than opiates, far worse.
How messed up can one person be? Opium and alcohol, hooked to both.
The good news - I'm on my third day sober now. It isn't fun, I'm still shaky, vomiting, my head aches, cannot sleep, but I WILL succeed. I WILL beat this. If I don't, I'll be dead in a few years. I have no doubt.
Wish me luck. I'm off to renew myself with this wonderful forum. I wish I had stayed active, maybe I wouldn't have done what I did.
SLD
WAS content, until I began to drink more and more. I should have realized that my brain/personality is prone to addiction, But noooo, I had to search for the numbness, the relief, that comes from a substance.
So I've screwed myself up again. Last few years, my drinking has skyrocketed. I cut everclear 50/50 with water, put it in a water bottle, and I'd sip it almost continuously. Towards the end, I'd wake with the shakes, so I put the bottle on my nightstand, I'd wake at 3:00 AM, take a healthy swig, then continue all next day. I'd never get so drunk that it'd show. It simply numbed me. Tolerance got so bad, I'd probably blow a 0.10 most of the time, yet was never called on it. - "functional alcoholic" I guess is what they call it. But it stole all my motivation, and I could tell it was hurting me, BAD. Worse than opiates, far worse.
How messed up can one person be? Opium and alcohol, hooked to both.
The good news - I'm on my third day sober now. It isn't fun, I'm still shaky, vomiting, my head aches, cannot sleep, but I WILL succeed. I WILL beat this. If I don't, I'll be dead in a few years. I have no doubt.
Wish me luck. I'm off to renew myself with this wonderful forum. I wish I had stayed active, maybe I wouldn't have done what I did.
SLD
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 65
Thanks everyone. I'm feeling pretty ill right now, but I know the worst is yet to come. I may not post too much but I PROMISE to check in frequently. I've found the support here to be amazing. Again, many thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: baltimore, maryland
Posts: 463
Sorry you are struggling, you just need to take this for a few more days. You can do it, soon you will be on the other side of this thing! Drink plenty of fluids like Gatorade and eat, even if you are not hungry. Best Wishes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Welcome back SLD - don't hesitate to see a Dr if you feel really unwell, but I hope you feel better soon 
D
D
I appreciate all the kind words!Dee, I will be honest with you... 3 weeks ago, I wanted to quit, then I browsed "Alcohol withdrawal symptoms" and it was so frightening, it made me drink! I thought "OK, instead, I'll taper off" but we know that is a sad, deceptive joke.
So, cold turkey. I know it can be dangerous, and I was ready to see a doc depending on the severity, but I can feel my physical symptoms are starting to ease. Thank goodness. But I know in a few days the cravings will hit hard. I'm ready.
non-alcoholic CHEERS!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
This post reminds me what it'd be like if I went back out. It woud be a nightmare and I'd probably be dead in a few years. Being a progressive disease I would be much worse. Glad your here. Thank you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 65
I went on a little thanksgiving trip, did real good! All the champagne, I did the sparkling water. I took a few odd looks from people who didn't know, as I had hid my problems exceptionally well. I simply told them "There are enough calories here without the wine, and I simply want to enjoy the food without it."
After a week, most of the physical symptoms have eased quite a bit - I still get this weird head buzzing, and worst of all is some muscle tension that strikes at the worst times - I'll lie down for a nap or maybe watch TV, and I'll feel the muscles in my abdomen, chest, neck and jaw kind of scrunch tight, and I'll have to force a kind of a release of them. But definitely on the mend, physically.
Of course, the cravings have started. I'm handling them by saying "deal with it, or die." Unchecked Alcoholism is lethal, and I've got too much life ahead of me, grandbabies and all!
Everyone here is so kind and supportive... it's SO appreciated. Thank you. You've all been here and done it, I can too.
After a week, most of the physical symptoms have eased quite a bit - I still get this weird head buzzing, and worst of all is some muscle tension that strikes at the worst times - I'll lie down for a nap or maybe watch TV, and I'll feel the muscles in my abdomen, chest, neck and jaw kind of scrunch tight, and I'll have to force a kind of a release of them. But definitely on the mend, physically.
Of course, the cravings have started. I'm handling them by saying "deal with it, or die." Unchecked Alcoholism is lethal, and I've got too much life ahead of me, grandbabies and all!
Everyone here is so kind and supportive... it's SO appreciated. Thank you. You've all been here and done it, I can too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 133
Yep
Originally Posted by swindon32
Easier said than done but try and sleep through as much of it as you can. That helped me just to think I would feel even 5 percent better the next day...and it will happen :-)
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