Fighting fair
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Fighting fair
Just some thoughts I need/want to get out here in a safe place. Over the past couple of days there has been some tension in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have a great relationship most of the time, I would say a healthy one and are very much in love. But these things do happen in any relationship from time to time. Our moments of tension or fights generally are short lived. I know this will pass too.
In the past I would grovel and apologize and always take the full blame for anything at all that went wrong, even if my part in the situation was minimal. I did so because I had near constant, overwhelming guilt due to my drinking. I knew that I regularly let my boyfriend down by being drunk, my behavior while drunk (though I wasn't a violent or angry drunk I regularly ruined nice evenings our outings by getting sloppy) and my morose and dramatic emotions when hungover. Taking responsibility for anything that went wrong, putting in most of the work to make up and repair things was a way to "punish" myself for my drunkeness and a way to ease some of the guilt.
Now that I am sober and clear headed I can face these situations in a much healthier and just manner. Today I am calm and collected. I am willing to admit my part in what led to the situation but I also expect, in a mature and healthy way, that my boyfriend own up to his part and also do his part to reconcile. I am not hot headed or depressed, I am not unclear in where I stand, I am not guilty or scared. I am certain we will work this out and without alcohol in the mix know that I will remain calm and stable until we do.
It still sucks
but it is much more manageable.
In the past I would grovel and apologize and always take the full blame for anything at all that went wrong, even if my part in the situation was minimal. I did so because I had near constant, overwhelming guilt due to my drinking. I knew that I regularly let my boyfriend down by being drunk, my behavior while drunk (though I wasn't a violent or angry drunk I regularly ruined nice evenings our outings by getting sloppy) and my morose and dramatic emotions when hungover. Taking responsibility for anything that went wrong, putting in most of the work to make up and repair things was a way to "punish" myself for my drunkeness and a way to ease some of the guilt.
Now that I am sober and clear headed I can face these situations in a much healthier and just manner. Today I am calm and collected. I am willing to admit my part in what led to the situation but I also expect, in a mature and healthy way, that my boyfriend own up to his part and also do his part to reconcile. I am not hot headed or depressed, I am not unclear in where I stand, I am not guilty or scared. I am certain we will work this out and without alcohol in the mix know that I will remain calm and stable until we do.
It still sucks
but it is much more manageable.
Mera
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One of the reasons I drink is my inability to assert myself in a diplomatic and consistent way (this makes me resent internally which causes frustration)....and yes, I've also taken the 'blame' because of my guilt.
I am trying to learn that I have to watch my 'side' of the street. My actions, reactions and perspectives. Keep them consistent and protecting my boundaries and values. I also have to learn that if I am doing this, consistently and in a mature/calm fashion, what the other person does is up to them. My reactions and actions, drunk or sober, cannot be to 'get' the person to behave in a way that I desire. They will do what they will do.
I am trying to learn that I have to watch my 'side' of the street. My actions, reactions and perspectives. Keep them consistent and protecting my boundaries and values. I also have to learn that if I am doing this, consistently and in a mature/calm fashion, what the other person does is up to them. My reactions and actions, drunk or sober, cannot be to 'get' the person to behave in a way that I desire. They will do what they will do.
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Mera I use to do the same thing, I'd feel guilty about my drinking and even on points where I needed him to hear about things we needed to work on together, the guilt kept me from being able to express it. Arguments over regular relationship drama turned into lectures about me getting too drunk. Nothing got resolved. Being sober is a wonderful thing when it comes to the relationship, because you can finally sit at the round table with him, so to speak, and really get things resolved in a more organized manner. Congrats on your sobriety!
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So true Curly, wise words. Well he didn't call and didn't respond to a message I sent. I'm going to make a pot of tea, take a hot bath and go to bed early. He needs his space apparently and I could certaintly go for an extra long night of sleep. Thanks friends, see you tomorrow.
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Thank you for asking 
NO! He finally responded last night and said he just needed some space.
He is a really solid, mature person and I know him very well so I am not worried. Sometimes he really does just need some space. If I write, call or pressure him in any way it makes it worse. Fortunately I am a very busy, independent person as well so a little time to myself is not a problem.
The only thing I am concerned about is that once he feels ready to reconnect he will do so by calling up and acting like nothing happened. Whereas I much prefer to talk about what happened in order to move on. talking about it will probably be annoying to him, but will be something I insist on.
I miss my love, but it'll be ok.
NO! He finally responded last night and said he just needed some space.
He is a really solid, mature person and I know him very well so I am not worried. Sometimes he really does just need some space. If I write, call or pressure him in any way it makes it worse. Fortunately I am a very busy, independent person as well so a little time to myself is not a problem.
The only thing I am concerned about is that once he feels ready to reconnect he will do so by calling up and acting like nothing happened. Whereas I much prefer to talk about what happened in order to move on. talking about it will probably be annoying to him, but will be something I insist on.
I miss my love, but it'll be ok.
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Mera, I obviously don't know you, nor your SO..in fact, I don't even know how long you have been sober, but hopefully, some of the following will ring true to you and maybe even help a bit. Looking back on my drinking and my relationship with my husband, I can now see very clearly how my insecurity, which was one of the factors that ultimately led to my descent into alcoholism, fit very well into his need to be the strong one, the stable one. Like you, "the day after", I would go out of my way to be nice, apologize (guilt) until the "next time". These actions sustained my dependency, as if I "owed" him something for putting up with my drinking. A dysfunctional hand and glove resulted.
When I got sober, the dance changed dramatically. I HAD to discover who I was and what I wanted. This often resulted in setting boundaries, or doing nothing (ie not being dependent), or speaking out. To be fair, he didn't know what to make of me! As I groped my way to a sober life, we had to be open as to how that would affect our relationship. And there were times when it was rocky going. He just wanted me to quit drinking and we could go back to 'normal". But by quitting drinking AND getting sober (and that is a far longer and larger process), there was no "back button" and we could only move forward...with all its uncertainty. As we each adjusted to the new me, our relationship did morph, but became much more healthy and I appreciate his willingness and perseverance. Like you, I am a talker and my hubby is not....particularly when it comes to deep emotional issues. I did insist that we communicate more....after all, we were both exploring unknown territory. So I hope that when he finally sits down with you, you can explore a discussion about your new sober life and what changes that might bring to your relationship. As I said, the game has changed for you AND for him and it is important, moving forward, to respect that and commit to doing "this" together. He has to be just as willing as you.
I had no idea that my sobriety would have such an impact on our relationship. But if you both are willing to be open about your feelings and work together, your relationship will be the better for it. I say all this as having been sober for over 6 years and being married for over 35.
When I got sober, the dance changed dramatically. I HAD to discover who I was and what I wanted. This often resulted in setting boundaries, or doing nothing (ie not being dependent), or speaking out. To be fair, he didn't know what to make of me! As I groped my way to a sober life, we had to be open as to how that would affect our relationship. And there were times when it was rocky going. He just wanted me to quit drinking and we could go back to 'normal". But by quitting drinking AND getting sober (and that is a far longer and larger process), there was no "back button" and we could only move forward...with all its uncertainty. As we each adjusted to the new me, our relationship did morph, but became much more healthy and I appreciate his willingness and perseverance. Like you, I am a talker and my hubby is not....particularly when it comes to deep emotional issues. I did insist that we communicate more....after all, we were both exploring unknown territory. So I hope that when he finally sits down with you, you can explore a discussion about your new sober life and what changes that might bring to your relationship. As I said, the game has changed for you AND for him and it is important, moving forward, to respect that and commit to doing "this" together. He has to be just as willing as you.
I had no idea that my sobriety would have such an impact on our relationship. But if you both are willing to be open about your feelings and work together, your relationship will be the better for it. I say all this as having been sober for over 6 years and being married for over 35.
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
The only thing I am concerned about is that once he feels ready to reconnect he will do so by calling up and acting like nothing happened.
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Thanks for your thoughtful post HideorSeek. Those are really good things for me to think about. I am fortunate that he does fully support me getting sober. I think we will continue to pass through unfamiliar territory as we both find our bearings as our relationship evolves due to my newfound sobriety, but I feel certain we will get through it.
Sure enough he called up today cheerful and as if nothing had happened. We chatted for a moment. He asked me to stop by and see him at work but I was between English lessons and could not. Truth be told I didn't want to either. He said he will call tomorrow and come by. I'm prepared to greet him warmly but insist on a sit down to talk about what happened. Just because he feels better now doesn't mean I do. Men are form Mars, Women from Venus, the whole bit. But this time I will need to insist on a compromise in order to move forward instead of just sweeping it under the rug and moving on. It is not even that big of a deal what happened, but female that I am, I want and need to talk about it before I can feel at peace.
Sure enough he called up today cheerful and as if nothing had happened. We chatted for a moment. He asked me to stop by and see him at work but I was between English lessons and could not. Truth be told I didn't want to either. He said he will call tomorrow and come by. I'm prepared to greet him warmly but insist on a sit down to talk about what happened. Just because he feels better now doesn't mean I do. Men are form Mars, Women from Venus, the whole bit. But this time I will need to insist on a compromise in order to move forward instead of just sweeping it under the rug and moving on. It is not even that big of a deal what happened, but female that I am, I want and need to talk about it before I can feel at peace.
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I get it Mera! And I wish you all the best. Like you, I am unable to live with an elephant in the livingroom. I really believe that open and honest communication is the way to go. My husband was very supportive of my road to sobriety as well, I just don't think, in hindsight, he realized that he would be along for the ride as much as he was. It WILL change your relationship.....for the better...and while you will be doing the work, he will be affected too. It can't be otherwise and in order for your relationship to thrive, he must be open to the changes you will go through. At least that was my experience.
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I have to agree with HideorSeek. Unfortunately, and what many SO's don't realize, is alcohol affects more than just the alcoholic. I'm facing similar issues in my relationship with my wife.
As I get more mature and reasonable in my actions that doesn't always fit with the way my wife knows me. In sobriety I'm feeling less worthless and asking for things that I want and need in the relationship. Things that bother me I no longer just ignore and numb out with alcohol. But my wife is not used to that and it does change the dynamics.
I'm very fortunate that my wife is on her own journey of self betterment and can understand what I'm working on. So when tensions come up, and they will, we can both discuss them honestly and openly and come up with solutions that will work for both of us. That takes willingness on both parties and that's not always the case in all relationships.
Relationships can get better, and often do, with sobriety but they can also get worse. It takes maturity of both parties to make them better.
As I get more mature and reasonable in my actions that doesn't always fit with the way my wife knows me. In sobriety I'm feeling less worthless and asking for things that I want and need in the relationship. Things that bother me I no longer just ignore and numb out with alcohol. But my wife is not used to that and it does change the dynamics.
I'm very fortunate that my wife is on her own journey of self betterment and can understand what I'm working on. So when tensions come up, and they will, we can both discuss them honestly and openly and come up with solutions that will work for both of us. That takes willingness on both parties and that's not always the case in all relationships.
Relationships can get better, and often do, with sobriety but they can also get worse. It takes maturity of both parties to make them better.
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Ditto jd and Ditto Anna! I'm no expert, but echo the same experience of not feeling worthy enough to express my feelings before sobriety. As my sobriety lengthened, so did my self-worth and that necessitated speaking up, if the occasion called for it. Since I had never done that before, he was a bit blindsided. I like to think of it as a dance....the old steps just don't work well any more. You can create a new dance together, absolutely. But I agree with jd, it takes 2 to Tango
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Thank you everyone, you all make such good points. I like what you said jd about alcohol affecting more than just the alcoholic.
He called this morning and came by as he mentioned he would do. He acted like nothing was wrong and I went along with it for a bit but then said I did want to talk about what happened. He was fairly defensive at first but I was able to remain calm, but firm and we talked it out. Everything is fine now. he is happy and I feel happy and also satisfied having had a chance to get my feelings out and be heard.
I was supposed to join him at a work dinner tonight but had to decline at the last minute. Today was my son's birthday and we had a party with his schoolmates. I always find children's birthday parties incredibly stressful- all the preparation, the anxiety leading up to it, all the noise from over-excited kids. I usually handle that by drinking. Handle that… that's not really the case, I cover it by drinking I guess I should say. I didn't drink before or during the party though wine and prosecco were served for the adults. I feel exhausted and all the stress is still creeping out so I didn't feel safe being in a slightly awkward social environment with wine freely flowing. He understood my exhaustion. We'll do something nice tomorrow night as the kids will stay with their father again.
He called this morning and came by as he mentioned he would do. He acted like nothing was wrong and I went along with it for a bit but then said I did want to talk about what happened. He was fairly defensive at first but I was able to remain calm, but firm and we talked it out. Everything is fine now. he is happy and I feel happy and also satisfied having had a chance to get my feelings out and be heard.
I was supposed to join him at a work dinner tonight but had to decline at the last minute. Today was my son's birthday and we had a party with his schoolmates. I always find children's birthday parties incredibly stressful- all the preparation, the anxiety leading up to it, all the noise from over-excited kids. I usually handle that by drinking. Handle that… that's not really the case, I cover it by drinking I guess I should say. I didn't drink before or during the party though wine and prosecco were served for the adults. I feel exhausted and all the stress is still creeping out so I didn't feel safe being in a slightly awkward social environment with wine freely flowing. He understood my exhaustion. We'll do something nice tomorrow night as the kids will stay with their father again.
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Hi Mera,
I'm glad you felt heard. And kudos to you for the kids party without booze. Just the noise level is overwhelming to consider!
As for your SO,Maybe the next time, he won't feel defensive..after all, he survived this time and walked away intact! My hubby and I call them "couch convos" and we laugh as he says "Oh NO....not a couch convo!!!" It's all about making it a win/win, IMO. Feelings and expressing them should hold no fear. Should being the operative word! I like to think that we put a problem in front of us, rather than between us. Oh, and couch convos need not always be heavy...it is now part of our routine where we put all else aside and just connect.
BTW...I notice you are from Italy??? I'm verrrrrry jealous...I love Europe and all the small villages. I could live there in a heartbeat!!
I'm glad you felt heard. And kudos to you for the kids party without booze. Just the noise level is overwhelming to consider!
As for your SO,Maybe the next time, he won't feel defensive..after all, he survived this time and walked away intact! My hubby and I call them "couch convos" and we laugh as he says "Oh NO....not a couch convo!!!" It's all about making it a win/win, IMO. Feelings and expressing them should hold no fear. Should being the operative word! I like to think that we put a problem in front of us, rather than between us. Oh, and couch convos need not always be heavy...it is now part of our routine where we put all else aside and just connect.
BTW...I notice you are from Italy??? I'm verrrrrry jealous...I love Europe and all the small villages. I could live there in a heartbeat!!
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