Lilac812

I have been in a relationship with an addict for 3.5 years (three years too long) and I don't know how to leave. It is destroying my life.

My boyfriend abuses suboxone recreationally. He snorts it several times throughout the day. Prior to starting suboxone a couple of years ago, he had been snorting oxycodone for years. He assures me that the way in which he uses suboxone is normal and okay (although I hate to think about what kind of damage it is doing to his body, specifically his nasal passages). He dozes off in the middle of conversations and slumps over in the chair when he's sitting at the computer. There is WAY MORE to this than just that, though, of course. He tells me this is how he is able to tolerate the drug (using it the properly prescribed way is much less pleasant and not as effective apparently). I have tried to be non-judgmental and kind to him but I just can't take his word for it. Snorting anything seems wrong and seems like full-blown addict behavior to me.

Not only is this man abusing suboxone, but he is abusive towards me. He has never physically harmed me but this is a toxic relationship with mental abuse. I can't understand why I take it, why I stay. I have been through absolute hell with this man and curse the day I ever met him. And yet, I can't find the inner strength to leave, to really cut contact with him, to really stay away.

I am in my early 30s and all of my friends have moved on with their lives. Many have gotten married and have children of their own, or they moved away to other states. I am desperately lonely and I guess he fills a void in that respect. It's so much harder when you get older and you don't know how to meet people. I have never liked going out to bars and a lot of social events just aren't appealing to me. I'm very introverted, very deep, very intellectual by nature, and small talk with strangers is tough for me. I just don't know how to get out there and meet other people. It's especially hard to do all by yourself. At my job, mostly everyone is older than me, married and has families. I'm extremely lonely.

I keep going through this vicious cycle of rationalizing to myself that this man is the best I'm going to get, that he's my only pathway to ever having kids. My biological clock is ticking. I had a miscarriage recently (because I was in that very stupid mode of thinking I could somehow ignore all the really rotten sh*t he's put me through and live with him) and it was the worst experience of my life. I was horrified at the thought of living with this man and being tied to him for 18 years of my life. Honestly, I was relieved when I miscarried, as awful as it may sound and yet my heart was and still is broken by the whole thing.

I seem to oscillate wildly between thinking I can live with him, that I can be with him and have a family to feeling intense aversion even at the sight of him or being near him. On a logical level, I know this is all perpetuated by an intense fear of being alone and never having kids. On the other hand, I know it's more peaceful to be myself and absolutely rational and right to never live with or have children with this person. I'm so angry at myself for constantly flip-flopping between two extremes. Can anyone else relate to this? Everyone that loves me (my family and few friends I talk to occasionally) think that I am absolutely NUTS! Sometimes I think I am too.

I have tried seeing multiple therapists and none have been particularly helpful to me. The most recent one I saw seemed like she would be good, but then I found out my insurance wouldn't cover the visits, and I can't afford $150 a week.

I am a kind-hearted, GOOD woman who really wants to get married and have children someday. I grew up in an alcoholic home and while my father was part of my life, he wasn't really "there" if you know what I mean. He was an emotional terrorist and made our lives a living hell. I have been told I am repeating the past with my current boyfriend and trying vicariously through my boyfriend to heal my wounded relationship with my father. It's hard to believe, but I do see a lot of similarities between them.

I want to end this hell, but I don't know how. Has anyone else gone through this? How did you get through it? Or are you still living in the same hell? I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to cut him out of my life for good. But I know that when the weekend rolls around, and I'm all by myself and lonely, that I'll probably wind up giving him a call. I don't feel like I can even trust myself anymore.

I'm seriously considering moving to the other side of the country if I can work up the bravery to do it. It feels like the only way that I can get away from him for good.

Outside of going to another therapist, has anyone ever escaped a situation like this by some other means? I desperately need help. I feel that, in a sense, I am like an addict myself and I don't know how to break this vicious cycle.

If anyone can offer some advice, words of wisdom, or even just empathy for my situation, it would be much, much appreciated!

chardis

Hey there, welcome!

You've found a great site.

Stick around, hoping others can support you.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Lilac812

There's a great sticky post in our Family and Friends forums about leaving

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...how-leave.html

They're good forums to read too because you'll get wisdom and advice from people who've been in your position.

This forum is good, too, of course.

One of my friends here had a saying 'some loves are not forever' - the hard bit is making that decision.

You'll find a ton of support here

D

emme99

Hi Lilac & Welcome

TroyW

Welcome to SR Lilac. Sorry to hear what brings you here, but I'm sure you'll find loads of help and support here. Make sure to check out the Family and Friends forum of the site, as there's probably quite a few people going through something similar.

Somewhat, yeah. I guess you could consider my last relationship emotionally and mentally abusive towards me, but it was my own fault for not standing up for myself.

I ended up moving into a hotel for the last couple months. I gave him money to pay the electric bill, he bought whiskey instead. I wasn't willing to pay the electric twice, so the house went without electricity for a few months while about 8 people lived there, and I moved myself into a hotel. He came by during the nights to sleep, but at least I got some peace and quiet during the day.

Worked hard, and saved enough to start a new life. Told him upfront I'm leaving him, and secretly rented another house outside of town in an area he would never think to look for me. Once money was saved, I gave him enough to start a new life, which I'm sure he just pissed away on partying, but hey, I did the right thing so my conscience is clean.

Grabbed my dogs, moved to the new house, and spent a year there basically in total isolation because it was pretty far out. After the year, moved back into town, which is where I am now.

Would you be able to break up with him, and have him respect it? Or would he look for you, and be unwilling to leave you alone? I know if my ex knew where I lived, he'd be showing up at my house every night at 2am, drunk as hell, banging the door bell, crying and telling me how much he loves and misses me, and blah, blah...

I did my best, but it got to the point where there was no amicable solution available, and I had no choice but to disappear. Sounds like you may be in a similar situation.

OpenTuning

While the details are different, I can certainly relate to being with the wrong person. I was in a very toxic relationship that resulted in the blackest period of my life. But I got past it and turned my life around completely when I met the woman I was meant to be with instead. We've been together 19 years now.

I just want to address what comes through your post, the idea that you have only two choices "stay with him to have any hope of a family, or leave and be alone forever".

There are alternatives. For example, a friend of mine just went the Internet dating website route after a 10 year relationship ended, and he's now met someone he thinks may be "the one". Just from what you've written here, I'm sure the right person is out there waiting for you. The days of needing to rely on work, friends, family or random encounters in bars or nightclubs for finding a partner are well and truly over.

Whatever you choose to do, I really hope you find the happiness you so clearly deserve.

Saskia

Welcome, Lilac! I was in an abusive relationship (marriage) for 15 years. I thought nobody else would want me. My feelings of self-worth were zero. I finally made the break when his abuse escalated and I became afraid for my life. It's now 35 years later and I can honestly say it was the best, healthiest thing I've ever done for myself. It was very hard to do. Sadly, by the time I kicked him out I didn't want to ever be in another relationship out of fear of a repeat. I spent a good many years in therapy dealing with my demons. I know of others like me who have gone on to solid, loving and healthy relationships but it wasn't in the cards for me.

No relationship is far, far better than an abusive one even though it may not seem that way at the time. I'm now 70 and loving life! No regrets whatever other than very occasionally wishing I'd kicked him out much sooner.

Kallistia

They get in your head...it's like brainwashing, you reach the point where mentally you don't even think you can leave. I understand, I didn't leave my ex-husband until the day he tried to kill me. I still have the scars - three years later he still tries to find little ways to haunt and harass me. I credit the mental ****ery from that relationship with what sent me nose-diving into three years of drinking myself into a chronic stupor. Relationships like that will take your entire identity from you - you eventually become an empty, emotionless shell, a reflection of who your partner wants you to be instead of the person you were when they met you.

I can't tell you how to do it, I can tell you I left him in the back of an ambulance and you don't want to do that. Do you know how loud a gunshot is? It stinks, and your head starts ringing so loudly that you cannot even see, you have a few seconds where you have no idea what just happened because it happens so fast your brain cannot even register that the gun was fired...not until you smell the gunpowder.

I tried the therapist thing, one of the worst decisions I ever made was trying to medicate away what he was doing to me. I started acting really erratic and unstable. Look into local resources available to you, contact battered women's shelters, call hotlines, speak to a pastor if you are of a religious inclination, develop a support network around yourself of people you can rely on that are aware of your situation and can help you when the time comes. Try and connect with others who are in your situation or have survived your situation that can give you insight and suggestion on the steps you need to begin taking.

If your gut is telling you to go, it's time to go, not waiting around hoping a fairy will come along and magic everything better, because it's not going to happen that way. It is only going to get worse.

Kallistia

And it's not tied to him for 18 years if you have children with him - that will tie you to him for the rest of your natural life whether you remain in the relationship or not. Do you want him to always and forever be a part of your life in some way or form even after you escape the romantic involvement?

ccam1973

Lilac, welcome to SR. I don't really have anything to add and think the others have some pretty good advice already.

I think you know what you need to do. If that's the case, then you need to make a plan to act on that decision.

It doesn't sound like you are happy and living the life that you envision when you think about what you want your future to be.

You're strong enough to make a change. Make sure you have all of your ducks in a row and planned out, step by step.

Glad you found us.

Soberwolf

Hello & Welcome Lilac

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Lilac!!

Lilac812

Thank you all so much for your kind words, wisdom, and advice. It really does mean the world to me. I'm going to be back and will write more, but have just had an exhausting day. Many of you know what I mean. These people really do suck the entire life out of you. I have been living on just 3-4 hours of sleep each night for weeks now, and I am finally burnt out and ready to crash. Can't wait for the weekend to get here so I can recover and start to plan my next steps. I will do this. I can't just say "I can," but "I will," because it is only a matter of time before I finally leave. I can't live this way anymore. How sad that we shackle ourselves in these prisons - between us, and so many others like us in the world, it adds up to hundreds, even thousands of years of self-imprisonment. I can't afford to do it anymore. It's my life. Thank you thank you thank you, all of you, for your kindness!