I must attend my cousin’s wedding—how do I do this?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
Originally Posted by helpimalive 
Thank you for this thoughtful post. It's his years of hard work I'm jealous of, I have to say, not his wedding :p God knows I don't want get married. That would, as they say, be a disaster for all involved parties.
And I have to go to the reception. The way my family is, and the way my current living situation is, there's a lot more stress that would be associated with not going than there is with going.
I think I'm going to bring the card games, but only pull them out if a moment seems to strike when it wouldn't be too-too odd. Looking for such a moment will be a safe thing to focus on. And if I do get a game going, and people think it's odd, well. I'm odd. Everyone in my family already knows that part
Thanks again everyone! I'm almost sort of looking forward to it now. I think I'll print this thread, too, and highlight all the parts about not being jealous.
And I have to go to the reception. The way my family is, and the way my current living situation is, there's a lot more stress that would be associated with not going than there is with going.
I think I'm going to bring the card games, but only pull them out if a moment seems to strike when it wouldn't be too-too odd. Looking for such a moment will be a safe thing to focus on. And if I do get a game going, and people think it's odd, well. I'm odd. Everyone in my family already knows that part
Thanks again everyone! I'm almost sort of looking forward to it now. I think I'll print this thread, too, and highlight all the parts about not being jealous.
When EndofGame talks, you read, then you read it again. Same with Dee.
Professional zombie fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by Reset
I'm curious why it's going to be so hard to drive by yourself. Can you elaborate?
This sounds bizarre when I type it out. But families are bizarre.
I would completely take my own car despite all this, if I thought it was worth the grief. And maybe, as it gets closer, I'll feel more like it would be worth it.
Last edited by helpimalive; 10-02-2015 at 10:01 PM. Reason: awkward wording
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I have a family like that. I did the 'don't rock the boat' thing for 30 years and put myself in unsafe situations to please others.
Ultimately tho, nothings more important that our recovery - a little family static will fade, honestly
Ultimately tho, nothings more important that our recovery - a little family static will fade, honestly
Professional zombie fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Okay, guys. I'll take my own car. :p
I'll say it's because I want to bring a mountain of extra blankets in case the hotel is cold ... They know I am particular about blankets, and there won't be room in the caravan as it is for a mountain of blankets. Maybe that will stave off some of the anger.
I'll say it's because I want to bring a mountain of extra blankets in case the hotel is cold ... They know I am particular about blankets, and there won't be room in the caravan as it is for a mountain of blankets. Maybe that will stave off some of the anger.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Nah man don't be sorry, I really wanted to know.
Obviously I don't know your family but mine is crazy too in some ways. What I might try were I in your shoes is pull your mom aside (assuming she's the one who is really going to be a pain about you driving solo) and tell her something like, "I'm trying to quit drinking and it's a big deal, this is really important. I'm worried that by going to the wedding reception I'll be putting myself in a position where I could jeopardize being sober and that can't happen. So just in case I need an escape, I will be driving by myself. Sorry, I know that might be hard to understand, but again, it's really important and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't make a big deal about it. In fact I could use your help in case someone else starts asking a lot of questions." Or words to that effect.
Obviously I don't know your family but mine is crazy too in some ways. What I might try were I in your shoes is pull your mom aside (assuming she's the one who is really going to be a pain about you driving solo) and tell her something like, "I'm trying to quit drinking and it's a big deal, this is really important. I'm worried that by going to the wedding reception I'll be putting myself in a position where I could jeopardize being sober and that can't happen. So just in case I need an escape, I will be driving by myself. Sorry, I know that might be hard to understand, but again, it's really important and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't make a big deal about it. In fact I could use your help in case someone else starts asking a lot of questions." Or words to that effect.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Originally Posted by helpimalive
Okay, guys. I'll take my own car. :p
Helpimalive, I've been sober since Aug. '13 and I still make decisions that put my sobriety first, just to be on the safe side. I attended a wedding a couple weeks ago and stayed in a hotel separate from most of the guests. I just wanted to make sure I had a place to which I could retreat if I felt uncomfortable. It turns out I didn't, but it was good to know I had that place anyway.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
You'll be surprised how many people don't drink at weddings, the last one I went to there were others not drinking, there were plenty of designated drivers and elderly relatives, and no one said a word, why would they!!
Stick to your Sobriety, when I was drinking I cared more about what is in my glass than what others thought, honestly no one is bothered, a "I'm not drinking this evening" will do!!
Most importantly enjoy the wedding, you're there to celebrate an occasion not on a night out at a club, so relax, have some food, some conversation, go home and wake up without a hangover and have memories of the day!!
Stick to your Sobriety, when I was drinking I cared more about what is in my glass than what others thought, honestly no one is bothered, a "I'm not drinking this evening" will do!!
Most importantly enjoy the wedding, you're there to celebrate an occasion not on a night out at a club, so relax, have some food, some conversation, go home and wake up without a hangover and have memories of the day!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Instead of thinking about all the things you envy about your cousin, why not focus on the things that are worth admiration in yourself.
-I am sober at my cousin's wedding. Look at how I can hold my head up straight, make eye contact and talk without slurring.
-These shoes look great, I really picked the right pair to go with my outfit.
-That was such a funny joke I told and people really enjoyed it.
You are worthy and valuable as a person too.
-I am sober at my cousin's wedding. Look at how I can hold my head up straight, make eye contact and talk without slurring.
-These shoes look great, I really picked the right pair to go with my outfit.
-That was such a funny joke I told and people really enjoyed it.
You are worthy and valuable as a person too.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
If I am understanding correctly. Your cousin and family demand you do something that is potentially extremely harmful to you and possibly even fatal. So you have no other choice but to go.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Can you ask your cousin if there is anything you can volunteer to help with? Seating arrangements, managing the gifts, helping guests find their way, coat check, etc? Would keep you busy and away from the temptation.
When your feelings of jealously take over, Try to look at your cousin as inspiration to stay sober.
When your feelings of jealously take over, Try to look at your cousin as inspiration to stay sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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Originally Posted by MIRecovery
If I am understanding correctly. Your cousin and family demand you do something that is potentially extremely harmful to you and possibly even fatal. So you have no other choice but to go.
And that's a good idea kittycat3, I'll add that to the list.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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my first thought was don't go. Do whatever you have to do to protect your sobriety. Especially, so early on it is dangerous to put yourself in stressful, especially drinking situations.
However, given how close you are and you want to go then make a plan. You are an adult and do not need to be dictated to and told what to do by anyone. Maybe this is a good opportunity for you to realize that what YOU wants matter. You matter and your health and welfare matter.
Take your own car. It doesn't matter if others get annoyed by this ( though why they would is beyond me-think some distance from your family dynamics would help you) If your mother/ aunt/next door's son get annoyed with you taking your own car that is THEIR problem, not yours. stay calm and do it anyway. an escape route in this situation is crucial.
getting sober raises a whole host of emotional and family complex issues that we have to deal with. I promise you will feel better standing up for yourself and taking decisions that are best for YOU rather than just doing what you think you should and seething with inner resentment- nothing used to drive me back to drinking more quickly than that.
However, given how close you are and you want to go then make a plan. You are an adult and do not need to be dictated to and told what to do by anyone. Maybe this is a good opportunity for you to realize that what YOU wants matter. You matter and your health and welfare matter.
Take your own car. It doesn't matter if others get annoyed by this ( though why they would is beyond me-think some distance from your family dynamics would help you) If your mother/ aunt/next door's son get annoyed with you taking your own car that is THEIR problem, not yours. stay calm and do it anyway. an escape route in this situation is crucial.
getting sober raises a whole host of emotional and family complex issues that we have to deal with. I promise you will feel better standing up for yourself and taking decisions that are best for YOU rather than just doing what you think you should and seething with inner resentment- nothing used to drive me back to drinking more quickly than that.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Here is post from a few years ago from an individual that decided to go to a reception before he was ready. I was 3 months sober and went to a drinking situation before I was ready. I didn't drink but I came about as close to the edge as you can. Here is his story and I know he was not planning on drinking either
I have failed miserably and lost 2 great friends. It was an hour into the wedding and I was drinking again. The music went on and the party started. We had fun and lots of it and I almost made to the end without anything bad happening. My wife and I had a few words and someone overheard and decided to tell me they were going to smash my face in for talking to my own wife disrespectfully (this guy was also extremely drunk) I walked away and mentioned it another person and they went and had a chat to him and he tried to go for me but people pulled him away. The next thing I know is that everyone has turned on me and told me its all my fault for swearing at my wife and it was at that point my mood changed and I said a couple of nasty things to some close friends and the next thing I know I am being handcuffed by the Police and was taken to a police cell for 12 hours which is a first for me and I was extremely frightened as this room was so small and I felt terribly claustrophobic. I was released and fined a couple hundred dollars. Taking that first drink was probably one of the worst decision's I have ever made in my life. Many people had said to me that it will be ok if you drink today as its a wedding and I know that wasn't true but I guess I wanted to believe that. In hindsight none of the worst of this story would of happened if that guy had minded his own business but I would be lying to myself if some form of argument would of happened anyway. I screwed up badly and I am so unhappy about it. I am getting on that wagon again soon but right now is way to soon and I have 3 cans of beer to help me through right now but will be back to give it another go. I haven't finished trying yet. I'm so sorry for breaking my promise guys. I let myself and everyone who truly cares about me down. I also now fear that guy will come and beat me up so im now paranoid and looking over my shoulder. He was a big guy and I certaintly wouldn't stand a chance against him. Im scared.
I have failed miserably and lost 2 great friends. It was an hour into the wedding and I was drinking again. The music went on and the party started. We had fun and lots of it and I almost made to the end without anything bad happening. My wife and I had a few words and someone overheard and decided to tell me they were going to smash my face in for talking to my own wife disrespectfully (this guy was also extremely drunk) I walked away and mentioned it another person and they went and had a chat to him and he tried to go for me but people pulled him away. The next thing I know is that everyone has turned on me and told me its all my fault for swearing at my wife and it was at that point my mood changed and I said a couple of nasty things to some close friends and the next thing I know I am being handcuffed by the Police and was taken to a police cell for 12 hours which is a first for me and I was extremely frightened as this room was so small and I felt terribly claustrophobic. I was released and fined a couple hundred dollars. Taking that first drink was probably one of the worst decision's I have ever made in my life. Many people had said to me that it will be ok if you drink today as its a wedding and I know that wasn't true but I guess I wanted to believe that. In hindsight none of the worst of this story would of happened if that guy had minded his own business but I would be lying to myself if some form of argument would of happened anyway. I screwed up badly and I am so unhappy about it. I am getting on that wagon again soon but right now is way to soon and I have 3 cans of beer to help me through right now but will be back to give it another go. I haven't finished trying yet. I'm so sorry for breaking my promise guys. I let myself and everyone who truly cares about me down. I also now fear that guy will come and beat me up so im now paranoid and looking over my shoulder. He was a big guy and I certaintly wouldn't stand a chance against him. Im scared.
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