I must attend my cousin’s wedding—how do I do this?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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I must attend my cousin’s wedding—how do I do this?
I must attend my cousin’s wedding—how the hell do I do this
My cousin, who is about my age, is getting married next weekend. Here are the reasons I’m terrified of this event:
1) There’s going to be a bar, and I already feel like, what the hell else am I supposed to do?
2) Spending time around my extended family is awful. I usually get through it by being just on the edge of wasted before I arrive. This is why my family thinks I have finally outgrown my shyness. Lolzoar. I’m not sure how to be around them sober. They’re going to ask me what I plan to do with my life. Every one of them.
3) I’m ragingly jealous of my cousin. He is a hard worker, a steady, loyal type, pretty much everything I wish I could be but am emphatically not. He found a wonderful woman who I just know he is going to be with for the rest of his life, because he cares for things, so I know he’ll care for his marriage. I, on the other hand, have replaced my sunglasses twelve times in my adult life. That’s how well I take care of things. Jealousy is, for me, a huge thing I have trouble coping with in any way other than drinking.
What the heck do I do? Any advice is appreciated. I mean, I don’t actually see myself drinking at the wedding, but it just seems like such a danger zone for me.
My cousin, who is about my age, is getting married next weekend. Here are the reasons I’m terrified of this event:
1) There’s going to be a bar, and I already feel like, what the hell else am I supposed to do?
2) Spending time around my extended family is awful. I usually get through it by being just on the edge of wasted before I arrive. This is why my family thinks I have finally outgrown my shyness. Lolzoar. I’m not sure how to be around them sober. They’re going to ask me what I plan to do with my life. Every one of them.
3) I’m ragingly jealous of my cousin. He is a hard worker, a steady, loyal type, pretty much everything I wish I could be but am emphatically not. He found a wonderful woman who I just know he is going to be with for the rest of his life, because he cares for things, so I know he’ll care for his marriage. I, on the other hand, have replaced my sunglasses twelve times in my adult life. That’s how well I take care of things. Jealousy is, for me, a huge thing I have trouble coping with in any way other than drinking.
What the heck do I do? Any advice is appreciated. I mean, I don’t actually see myself drinking at the wedding, but it just seems like such a danger zone for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I don't think any good comes from comparing myself either favorably or unfavorably in regards to other people.
Where you are in life is where you are. Where he is - is where he is. You are separate people with separate trajectories. Neither of you is better or worse, you're both exactly where you are supposed to be right now.
I find no joy in feeling less than. Interestingly I find no joy in feeling better than, either.
I do everything sober. For me it is far better and far easier to deal with everything that comes up sober.
My family got a lot nicer when I got sober (when I was in my thirties; they've all died now.) Coincidence? I think not.
Where you are in life is where you are. Where he is - is where he is. You are separate people with separate trajectories. Neither of you is better or worse, you're both exactly where you are supposed to be right now.
I find no joy in feeling less than. Interestingly I find no joy in feeling better than, either.
I do everything sober. For me it is far better and far easier to deal with everything that comes up sober.
My family got a lot nicer when I got sober (when I was in my thirties; they've all died now.) Coincidence? I think not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
First off, congrats on any sober time you have and for thinking about all this ahead of time.
Now, stop comparing yourself to your cousin. You have no idea what's in his head or what lies in his future. You only know YOU. It's important that you feel empowered by your sobriety at this event, and knowing that alcohol is certainly no magic cure to your shyness.
What are you going to do with your life? Hardly seems like wedding talk to me. Change the subject. Talk about the lovely bride, Aunt Ida's dancing or the damn centerpieces. Sip your refreshing, hydrating, life-giving juice and seltzer and sit back and people watch. Relish that you can drive yourself home. Relish that you will remember every minute. Relish that no one will see you be a fool this day. Hug your family. Go home and have a restful sleep.
Have fun at your cousin's wedding.
Now, stop comparing yourself to your cousin. You have no idea what's in his head or what lies in his future. You only know YOU. It's important that you feel empowered by your sobriety at this event, and knowing that alcohol is certainly no magic cure to your shyness.
What are you going to do with your life? Hardly seems like wedding talk to me. Change the subject. Talk about the lovely bride, Aunt Ida's dancing or the damn centerpieces. Sip your refreshing, hydrating, life-giving juice and seltzer and sit back and people watch. Relish that you can drive yourself home. Relish that you will remember every minute. Relish that no one will see you be a fool this day. Hug your family. Go home and have a restful sleep.
Have fun at your cousin's wedding.
D♭7♭9♯9♯11♭13
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by helpimalive 
1) There’s going to be a bar, and I already feel like, what the hell else am I supposed to do?
Talk with people while consuming non-alcoholic beverages. You very likely won't be the only one.
Originally Posted by helpimalive
2) Spending time around my extended family is awful. I usually get through it by being just on the edge of wasted before I arrive. This is why my family thinks I have finally outgrown my shyness. Lolzoar. I’m not sure how to be around them sober. They’re going to ask me what I plan to do with my life. Every one of them.
This seems to be a good opportunity to show up sober, stay sober and see if your above assessment is still accurate. You'll also be able to address the "what are you going to do with your life" questions much better while sober.
Originally Posted by helpimalive
3) I’m ragingly jealous of my cousin. He is a hard worker, a steady, loyal type, pretty much everything I wish I could be but am emphatically not. He found a wonderful woman who I just know he is going to be with for the rest of his life, because he cares for things, so I know he’ll care for his marriage. I, on the other hand, have replaced my sunglasses twelve times in my adult life. That’s how well I take care of things. Jealousy is, for me, a huge thing I have trouble coping with in any way other than drinking.
You should be happy for him, not jealous. If you want the same things, then take the same approach he has taken - one step at a time.
Originally Posted by helpimalive
What the heck do I do? Any advice is appreciated. I mean, I don’t actually see myself drinking at the wedding, but it just seems like such a danger zone for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I would make plans to leave as soon as I could, without giving offence.
here are a few tips on social occasions in general (ignore the specific title)
Crying Out Now: Thanksgiving Survival Guide
D
here are a few tips on social occasions in general (ignore the specific title)
Crying Out Now: Thanksgiving Survival Guide
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by helpimalive
I must attend my cousin’s wedding—how the hell do I do this
My cousin, who is about my age, is getting married next weekend. Here are the reasons I’m terrified of this event:
1) There’s going to be a bar, and I already feel like, what the hell else am I supposed to do?
2) Spending time around my extended family is awful. I usually get through it by being just on the edge of wasted before I arrive. This is why my family thinks I have finally outgrown my shyness. Lolzoar. I’m not sure how to be around them sober. They’re going to ask me what I plan to do with my life. Every one of them.
3) I’m ragingly jealous of my cousin. He is a hard worker, a steady, loyal type, pretty much everything I wish I could be but am emphatically not. He found a wonderful woman who I just know he is going to be with for the rest of his life, because he cares for things, so I know he’ll care for his marriage. I, on the other hand, have replaced my sunglasses twelve times in my adult life. That’s how well I take care of things. Jealousy is, for me, a huge thing I have trouble coping with in any way other than drinking.
What the heck do I do? Any advice is appreciated. I mean, I don’t actually see myself drinking at the wedding, but it just seems like such a danger zone for me.
My cousin, who is about my age, is getting married next weekend. Here are the reasons I’m terrified of this event:
1) There’s going to be a bar, and I already feel like, what the hell else am I supposed to do?
2) Spending time around my extended family is awful. I usually get through it by being just on the edge of wasted before I arrive. This is why my family thinks I have finally outgrown my shyness. Lolzoar. I’m not sure how to be around them sober. They’re going to ask me what I plan to do with my life. Every one of them.
3) I’m ragingly jealous of my cousin. He is a hard worker, a steady, loyal type, pretty much everything I wish I could be but am emphatically not. He found a wonderful woman who I just know he is going to be with for the rest of his life, because he cares for things, so I know he’ll care for his marriage. I, on the other hand, have replaced my sunglasses twelve times in my adult life. That’s how well I take care of things. Jealousy is, for me, a huge thing I have trouble coping with in any way other than drinking.
What the heck do I do? Any advice is appreciated. I mean, I don’t actually see myself drinking at the wedding, but it just seems like such a danger zone for me.
In general, stay out of the danger zones! That is, once you've identified them. Sometimes the danger zones sneak up on you. So, you're fortunate you've in a sense been forewarned.
Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: QLD
Posts: 173
You can still have a glass in your hand at all times and be taking sips at any awkward or uncomfortable silences, just makes sure it's coke or juice or something.
Leave as early as you can, say you aren't feeling too well but you'll try and come back once you have had a lie down and are hopefully feeling a little better.
If anyone asks why you aren't drinking, say you took some painkillers earlier for a headache (ties in nicely with your excuse of not feeling well).
If anyone asks what you intend to do with your life, tell them straight 'I don't want to talk about me today, lets change the subject'. Don't let them bully you into answering questions you aren't comfortable talking about.
Most of all though, are you absolutely sure you have to go? Can you just go to the church bit and make your excuses to leave before the reception?
Leave as early as you can, say you aren't feeling too well but you'll try and come back once you have had a lie down and are hopefully feeling a little better.
If anyone asks why you aren't drinking, say you took some painkillers earlier for a headache (ties in nicely with your excuse of not feeling well).
If anyone asks what you intend to do with your life, tell them straight 'I don't want to talk about me today, lets change the subject'. Don't let them bully you into answering questions you aren't comfortable talking about.
Most of all though, are you absolutely sure you have to go? Can you just go to the church bit and make your excuses to leave before the reception?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I see two issues at play here. one is your drinking, which I think you can navigate on your own. You don't need to drink alcohol, and you won't be alone. If you have some sober time under your belt, you should be able to make it without too much temptation. It will also garner some respect from others. Those who will be drinking, will likely be drunk and not really take notice.
The jealousy and comparing yourself to others is another issue entirely and in my opinion runs deeper. Strictly speaking for myself, if one compares themselvs to others in life and gets jealous, you will be perpetually depressed. Even millionaires will inevitably find themselves depressed because someone out there will always have more money than them. There is always someone better off or worse off than you. And if you compare yourself to others and it bothers you, its gonna create issues. Helpimalive needs to focus on helpimalive, and nothing more. Things will come together for you if you put in the effort. Wish you the best.
The jealousy and comparing yourself to others is another issue entirely and in my opinion runs deeper. Strictly speaking for myself, if one compares themselvs to others in life and gets jealous, you will be perpetually depressed. Even millionaires will inevitably find themselves depressed because someone out there will always have more money than them. There is always someone better off or worse off than you. And if you compare yourself to others and it bothers you, its gonna create issues. Helpimalive needs to focus on helpimalive, and nothing more. Things will come together for you if you put in the effort. Wish you the best.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
We don't have to do anything other than stay sober. If you go, it will be because you choose to go not because you have to.
The point of a marriage is the wedding itself not the reception. When my only son got married I told him I made no guarantees about how long I would at the reception. He was fine with that because he would rather have a sober father for a lifetime then have me at one event that while extremely important the cost benefit ratio was not there.
Many would say I had to be there. I say BS! I will never do anything that threatens my sobriety. Others can think what they want but I guard my sobriety like my life depended on it because it does
The point of a marriage is the wedding itself not the reception. When my only son got married I told him I made no guarantees about how long I would at the reception. He was fine with that because he would rather have a sober father for a lifetime then have me at one event that while extremely important the cost benefit ratio was not there.
Many would say I had to be there. I say BS! I will never do anything that threatens my sobriety. Others can think what they want but I guard my sobriety like my life depended on it because it does
D♭7♭9♯9♯11♭13
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
My initial response to this is: Don't go. Too much temptation, for one...and it sounds like it will only stir up a bunch of negative emotions.
In general, stay out of the danger zones! That is, once you've identified them. Sometimes the danger zones sneak up on you. So, you're fortunate you've in a sense been forewarned.
Best of luck!
In general, stay out of the danger zones! That is, once you've identified them. Sometimes the danger zones sneak up on you. So, you're fortunate you've in a sense been forewarned.
Best of luck!
You can't go your entire life avoiding danger zones. I'm allowed to drink while I work (and get a free tab too, which I took advantage of all the time) so day one was in a nuclear zone for me, but not drinking was the priority, and now it's no big deal.
That said, if he or she thinks it will be too much of a temptation at this time, then pass and work on not having this issue.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
care for your sobriety the way you see him care for his relationship/bride and things will get better for you.
i often think of sobriety much like marriage: commitment. putting it first. tending it. nourishing it. letting no other come before...that kind of stuff.
i often think of sobriety much like marriage: commitment. putting it first. tending it. nourishing it. letting no other come before...that kind of stuff.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Thanks for all the replies, guys. I know I shouldn't compare myself to him, but thoughts are hard to control. I'm being realistic about what my brain is going to want to be doing.
And I do have to go, to both the wedding and the reception. My cousin and I grew up more like siblings than cousins, so yeah, I have to go.
I can't even leave early. I'll be travelling in a single car with many family members, and I know they'd never allow me to have my own car or to leave early.
Always having a nonalcoholic drink in hand, and changing the subject when asked about myself, those are solid strategies for keeping calm, which means being more likely to stay sober. They're going on the list. :p
That link is great too, thanks Dee.
I think I'm also going to bring card games. Would that be inappropriate? I just mean, there might be more people than just me who aren't into either dancing or drinking, and are a little bored. It could even be a way to interact with some of the bride's people. Would this be rude? I'm sorry for asking a question that should probably be address to Ms. Manners rather than SR, but I've never been to a wedding sober, so I don't even know.
And I do have to go, to both the wedding and the reception. My cousin and I grew up more like siblings than cousins, so yeah, I have to go.
I can't even leave early. I'll be travelling in a single car with many family members, and I know they'd never allow me to have my own car or to leave early.
Always having a nonalcoholic drink in hand, and changing the subject when asked about myself, those are solid strategies for keeping calm, which means being more likely to stay sober. They're going on the list. :p
That link is great too, thanks Dee.
I think I'm also going to bring card games. Would that be inappropriate? I just mean, there might be more people than just me who aren't into either dancing or drinking, and are a little bored. It could even be a way to interact with some of the bride's people. Would this be rude? I'm sorry for asking a question that should probably be address to Ms. Manners rather than SR, but I've never been to a wedding sober, so I don't even know.
Professional zombie fighter
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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Originally Posted by dcg
How long has this person been sober for?
You can't go your entire life avoiding danger zones. I'm allowed to drink while I work (and get a free tab too, which I took advantage of all the time) so day one was in a nuclear zone for me, but not drinking was the priority, and now it's no big deal.
That said, if he or she thinks it will be too much of a temptation at this time, then pass and work on not having this issue.
You can't go your entire life avoiding danger zones. I'm allowed to drink while I work (and get a free tab too, which I took advantage of all the time) so day one was in a nuclear zone for me, but not drinking was the priority, and now it's no big deal.
That said, if he or she thinks it will be too much of a temptation at this time, then pass and work on not having this issue.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
I don't think it would be rude as such, but it might look a little odd at a wedding. I can understand the thought though.
I know it's a cliche but it's the old story....we compare ourselves unfavourably to others if we don't feel so great about ourselves. Yet from my perspective, you have so much to feel good about; seriously working on beating your addiction and you're only in your mid 20's. I had a look at your initial post on SR too - would it be possible to get some counselling? If you wanted to, of course. It might be really helpful. Just a thought.
I know it's a cliche but it's the old story....we compare ourselves unfavourably to others if we don't feel so great about ourselves. Yet from my perspective, you have so much to feel good about; seriously working on beating your addiction and you're only in your mid 20's. I had a look at your initial post on SR too - would it be possible to get some counselling? If you wanted to, of course. It might be really helpful. Just a thought.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
It sounds more like envy than jealousy.
Envy comes with a type of tunnel vision that excludes our ability to appreciate the hard work that people put in to get where they are, to get what they have and to become the people they are. We alcoholics are very good at this. Everyone has it easier than we do. Everyone is more fortunate than we are. And no one suffers like we suffer. We deserve much more in life than what we have, than what we've achieved.
We are the masters of unfulfilled dreams, broken promises and lives that are lived only on the margins. People and things change, but we cannot. If the energy that drives our complaints were matched by what we put into building a better life, we might not need so much support. Yet we frequently make excuses as to why we cannot get help. The "Big Secret" in living a good life is reaching out for help, and then following up on it. The "Big Lie" is that we don't need anyone's help, or that there's just no use in asking for it. We become impatient when we're not getting better on our schedule. It all leads to the same place. As is true of most things that mean something to us, we get out of sobriety what we put into it. And there are no shortcuts.
For alcoholics, there is no greater achievement in life, there is nothing more important in life, than achieving sobriety, and some of us even downplay the value of getting sober.
Don't go to the reception. You're still very early in sobriety. You can "test" your sobriety when you've been sober for a while, if you still think you need to. With all your mounting concerns, it's difficult to imagine that you won't suffer were you to go.
No one remembers the invitations I turned down during my first year or so of sobriety. I have difficulty summoning them myself. But I'm still sober.
Envy comes with a type of tunnel vision that excludes our ability to appreciate the hard work that people put in to get where they are, to get what they have and to become the people they are. We alcoholics are very good at this. Everyone has it easier than we do. Everyone is more fortunate than we are. And no one suffers like we suffer. We deserve much more in life than what we have, than what we've achieved.
We are the masters of unfulfilled dreams, broken promises and lives that are lived only on the margins. People and things change, but we cannot. If the energy that drives our complaints were matched by what we put into building a better life, we might not need so much support. Yet we frequently make excuses as to why we cannot get help. The "Big Secret" in living a good life is reaching out for help, and then following up on it. The "Big Lie" is that we don't need anyone's help, or that there's just no use in asking for it. We become impatient when we're not getting better on our schedule. It all leads to the same place. As is true of most things that mean something to us, we get out of sobriety what we put into it. And there are no shortcuts.
For alcoholics, there is no greater achievement in life, there is nothing more important in life, than achieving sobriety, and some of us even downplay the value of getting sober.
Don't go to the reception. You're still very early in sobriety. You can "test" your sobriety when you've been sober for a while, if you still think you need to. With all your mounting concerns, it's difficult to imagine that you won't suffer were you to go.
No one remembers the invitations I turned down during my first year or so of sobriety. I have difficulty summoning them myself. But I'm still sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
It sounds more like envy than jealousy.
Envy comes with a type of tunnel vision that excludes our ability to appreciate the hard work that people put in to get where they are, to get what they have and to become the people they are. We alcoholics are very good at this. Everyone has it easier than we do. Everyone is more fortunate than we are. And no one suffers like we suffer. We deserve much more in life than what we have, than what we've achieved.
We are the masters of unfulfilled dreams, broken promises and lives that are lived only on the margins. People and things change, but we cannot. If the energy that drives our complaints were matched by what we put into building a better life, we might not need so much support. Yet we frequently make excuses as to why we cannot get help. The "Big Secret" in living a good life is reaching out for help, and then following up on it. The "Big Lie" is that we don't need anyone's help, or that there's just no use in asking for it. We become impatient when we're not getting better on our schedule. It all leads to the same place. As is true of most things that mean something to us, we get out of sobriety what we put into it. And there are no shortcuts.
For alcoholics, there is no greater achievement in life, there is nothing more important in life, than achieving sobriety, and some of us even downplay the value of getting sober.
Don't go to the reception. You're still very early in sobriety. You can "test" your sobriety when you've been sober for a while, if you still think you need to. With all your mounting concerns, it's difficult to imagine that you won't suffer were you to go.
No one remembers the invitations I turned down during my first year or so of sobriety. I have difficulty summoning them myself. But I'm still sober.
Envy comes with a type of tunnel vision that excludes our ability to appreciate the hard work that people put in to get where they are, to get what they have and to become the people they are. We alcoholics are very good at this. Everyone has it easier than we do. Everyone is more fortunate than we are. And no one suffers like we suffer. We deserve much more in life than what we have, than what we've achieved.
We are the masters of unfulfilled dreams, broken promises and lives that are lived only on the margins. People and things change, but we cannot. If the energy that drives our complaints were matched by what we put into building a better life, we might not need so much support. Yet we frequently make excuses as to why we cannot get help. The "Big Secret" in living a good life is reaching out for help, and then following up on it. The "Big Lie" is that we don't need anyone's help, or that there's just no use in asking for it. We become impatient when we're not getting better on our schedule. It all leads to the same place. As is true of most things that mean something to us, we get out of sobriety what we put into it. And there are no shortcuts.
For alcoholics, there is no greater achievement in life, there is nothing more important in life, than achieving sobriety, and some of us even downplay the value of getting sober.
Don't go to the reception. You're still very early in sobriety. You can "test" your sobriety when you've been sober for a while, if you still think you need to. With all your mounting concerns, it's difficult to imagine that you won't suffer were you to go.
No one remembers the invitations I turned down during my first year or so of sobriety. I have difficulty summoning them myself. But I'm still sober.
And I have to go to the reception. The way my family is, and the way my current living situation is, there's a lot more stress that would be associated with not going than there is with going.
I think I'm going to bring the card games, but only pull them out if a moment seems to strike when it wouldn't be too-too odd. Looking for such a moment will be a safe thing to focus on. And if I do get a game going, and people think it's odd, well. I'm odd. Everyone in my family already knows that part
Thanks again everyone! I'm almost sort of looking forward to it now. I think I'll print this thread, too, and highlight all the parts about not being jealous.
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