Relapse after a year sober
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
Relapse after a year sober
Hey all - recently celebrated a year sober. Then did the most insane and stupid thing a recovering abuser of alcohol could do....took a drink. My 40th birthday, a year and a month sober, my husband and I went out and I had 1 glass of wine. I don't need to tell you how this story ends, do I? That was 3 months ago, and while I haven't gotten drunk yet, I've been having a glass or 2 or 3 almost every day since I "fell off the wagon."
I'm trying to justify; people do it all the time, right? Go from over-indulging to moderation? I don't know, I feel like a failure. I'm back to eagerly anticipating a glass of wine while I make dinner. But then it turns to 2 and 3.
It's insanity - I'm a mother of 2 little ones, married to a great and well-balanced guy, have masters degrees, run marathons, teach group fitness classes and am disciplined in every other area of my life. Why can't I just say goodbye to alcohol forever? A YEAR. I had a stinkin year under my belt. And threw it all away. Have never felt like such a failure in my whole life.
Someone please tell me that I can make it back. Tell me a story about how you had a long time sober, fell off, but then got back on track? Truthfully, the year wasn't as hard as I thought it would be - some days were harder than others but it's really only a couple hours in the day that I really feel like I want a drink - 4pm until dinner. Those "witching hours". But logically I know the trajectory. I know where I will eventually go to - I will start to hide it, and sneak it, and drink so much I don't remember what I did or said. And this time, perhaps I'll do something that hurt my children, or someone else. And destroy my family. It's inevitable isn't it?
Anyway, I'm back. Clearly I didn't want it bad enough the first time. Not sure how to climb this mountain again.
I'm trying to justify; people do it all the time, right? Go from over-indulging to moderation? I don't know, I feel like a failure. I'm back to eagerly anticipating a glass of wine while I make dinner. But then it turns to 2 and 3.
It's insanity - I'm a mother of 2 little ones, married to a great and well-balanced guy, have masters degrees, run marathons, teach group fitness classes and am disciplined in every other area of my life. Why can't I just say goodbye to alcohol forever? A YEAR. I had a stinkin year under my belt. And threw it all away. Have never felt like such a failure in my whole life.
Someone please tell me that I can make it back. Tell me a story about how you had a long time sober, fell off, but then got back on track? Truthfully, the year wasn't as hard as I thought it would be - some days were harder than others but it's really only a couple hours in the day that I really feel like I want a drink - 4pm until dinner. Those "witching hours". But logically I know the trajectory. I know where I will eventually go to - I will start to hide it, and sneak it, and drink so much I don't remember what I did or said. And this time, perhaps I'll do something that hurt my children, or someone else. And destroy my family. It's inevitable isn't it?
Anyway, I'm back. Clearly I didn't want it bad enough the first time. Not sure how to climb this mountain again.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 139
I was drinking excessively for 2 years after I graduated high school. Then I enjoyed nearly 3 years of drinking only when I was out at a concert, or going out for dinner. I had a bit of a relapse after a really weird relationship with this satanic drug-dealer guy, but that didn't last very long, because I met my fiance right after, and he was wonderful. I graduated university with straight-A's, and I landed my dream job. I was already quite depressed while I was working, so I was engaging in self-destructive behaviours. I wound up in the hospital 5 times, which cost my fiance his job due to the time he spent with me in the hospital. The hospital parking fees put him into debt. I started drinking heavily when my depression cost me my job, my life. I started drinking a 40 of vodka every day because I felt like such a failure, and every time I reflected on my job, tears would well up in my eyes. My health deteriorated, my hair started falling out. I hit rock bottom and ended up in a homeless shelter with no phone, no wallet, and only the clothes on my back, possibly facing criminal assault charges for beating my fiance half to death, and threatening the cops with a knife.
I'm currently trying really hard to rebuild my life. If I was successful yet, I probably wouldn't be here. Don't chose this road. You have a life, and a lot to lose. The people who love you don't want to see you destroying yourself.
I'm currently trying really hard to rebuild my life. If I was successful yet, I probably wouldn't be here. Don't chose this road. You have a life, and a lot to lose. The people who love you don't want to see you destroying yourself.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back broken. Yes, you can make it back. Many here ( and in other recovery communities ) have had extended sober periods but then returned to drinking and still made it back to sober life. I am one of them.
Dwelling on the past won't help much, but do look back and see if you can pinpoint where your plan for sobriety went awry. Usually it's well before we actually took the drink, sometimes by weeks or even months. Then you can look at tweaking your plan for the future.
One thing you say that sticks out is that you say "Truthfully the year wasn't as hard as I thought it would be". Another way to read that is that perhaps you weren't taking it as seriously as you could have? Not saying that to single you out because we've all done it, but if you rest on your laurels, addiction is always there hiding and will grab any chance it can to sneak back in our minds.
Dwelling on the past won't help much, but do look back and see if you can pinpoint where your plan for sobriety went awry. Usually it's well before we actually took the drink, sometimes by weeks or even months. Then you can look at tweaking your plan for the future.
One thing you say that sticks out is that you say "Truthfully the year wasn't as hard as I thought it would be". Another way to read that is that perhaps you weren't taking it as seriously as you could have? Not saying that to single you out because we've all done it, but if you rest on your laurels, addiction is always there hiding and will grab any chance it can to sneak back in our minds.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
HI Broken........Welcome Back. While I didn't have a year like you did, I did have several months of sobriety. I grew complacent with my success and stopped checking in with SR. Well, for some reason I, too, had a drink. I thought, "That wasn't so bad." A few days later, I had two. A week or two later, I was back to drinking the same amount I drank before I quit. This continued for several more months.
To make a long story longer, I finally decided to declare another Day 1 on 9/7. Incidentally, today is 3 weeks. You will find a wealth of information here on SR. Read as much as you can and post often. You did it once before, so you know what to do. You can begin again. Wishing you the best.
To make a long story longer, I finally decided to declare another Day 1 on 9/7. Incidentally, today is 3 weeks. You will find a wealth of information here on SR. Read as much as you can and post often. You did it once before, so you know what to do. You can begin again. Wishing you the best.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Glad you're back with us......
I can't tell you a story how to rebound today but I will share another story. I posted a thread a little bit ago asking questions regarding how to parent my son after he's been raised with an alcoholic parent for many years years = me. He's 19 and just totaled a car.
Maybe the thought of that is enough to consider how we affect our young children. You still have a chance not to put them through all the crap.
I read this in Family and Friends today. Should be required reading for us - the (un)merry go round.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
Welcome back
I can't tell you a story how to rebound today but I will share another story. I posted a thread a little bit ago asking questions regarding how to parent my son after he's been raised with an alcoholic parent for many years years = me. He's 19 and just totaled a car.
Maybe the thought of that is enough to consider how we affect our young children. You still have a chance not to put them through all the crap.
I read this in Family and Friends today. Should be required reading for us - the (un)merry go round.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
Welcome back
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome back Broken. Don't beat yourself up too badly, that won't get you anywhere. What's done is done, you need to acknowledge what brought you back to drinking and implement ways to avoid falling in the future.
It's apparent you want to be sober and did a great job for a year. You can absolutely get it back and have the tools to get there.
I relapsed after 9 hard fought months back in 2013. I had always left the door open to drinking again. One day, I took the opportunity when on a scalloping trip with friends. I spent the better part of the next year drinking around the clock. I started back slowly but it didn't take me long to fall hard. I just looked at the calendar I used to keep... started back drinking one day the first week, the next week I was up to three days, then four, then I didn't take another day off for a little under a year.
Your slip doesn't have to define you. That's up to you, and coming here is a great first step to get your life back on track. I'm back to 14 months and couldn't be happier. I had to realize that I couldn't leave the door open to drink again, not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
You can get what you had back and then some!
Lean on us as much as you need to help you through.
It's apparent you want to be sober and did a great job for a year. You can absolutely get it back and have the tools to get there.
I relapsed after 9 hard fought months back in 2013. I had always left the door open to drinking again. One day, I took the opportunity when on a scalloping trip with friends. I spent the better part of the next year drinking around the clock. I started back slowly but it didn't take me long to fall hard. I just looked at the calendar I used to keep... started back drinking one day the first week, the next week I was up to three days, then four, then I didn't take another day off for a little under a year.
Your slip doesn't have to define you. That's up to you, and coming here is a great first step to get your life back on track. I'm back to 14 months and couldn't be happier. I had to realize that I couldn't leave the door open to drink again, not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
You can get what you had back and then some!
Lean on us as much as you need to help you through.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Fly N Buy 
Maybe the thought of that is enough to consider how we affect our young children. You still have a chance not to put them through all the crap.
I need to come back to SR. I used to participate more, but I stopped a while back. (I created a new screen name because it was a screen name I used for a lot of things, and realized if you googled it a bunch of old SR posts came up - no bueno.) I also went to Celebrate Recovery at my church, but we've since moved and I don't have a church home yet or a CR group nearby. AA never worked for me, I tried a bunch of times. Bottom line, I need to just get back on it and not dwell on the fact that I blew a year's of sobriety. I can't look at it as a waste. Day 1. Time to come up with some new ways to get through those witching hours. If I can make it to dinner time, I'm usually good. Now is the time I feel like I want to decompress and have some wine. But I won't, not today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
One thing you say that sticks out is that you say "Truthfully the year wasn't as hard as I thought it would be". Another way to read that is that perhaps you weren't taking it as seriously as you could have? Not saying that to single you out because we've all done it, but if you rest on your laurels, addiction is always there hiding and will grab any chance it can to sneak back in our minds.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 147
Hey,
You had a year of sobriety. That's awesome. Get back to working your sobriety. You can do it. I only have 16 continuous days and I'm still wrapping my head around the fact I can't drink. I woke up this morning and was thinking man a year ago I would have been passed out by 7pm and then slept like crap.... Hungover at work... It's not like I'm really missing much.
You had a year of sobriety. That's awesome. Get back to working your sobriety. You can do it. I only have 16 continuous days and I'm still wrapping my head around the fact I can't drink. I woke up this morning and was thinking man a year ago I would have been passed out by 7pm and then slept like crap.... Hungover at work... It's not like I'm really missing much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
I'm doing ok! Day 2.....I already started thinking about this afternoon, what I'm going to do to combat my cravings. I need a new ritual, habit. Tea maybe? I don't know, but what I do know is I will be logging in around 3:30-4:00 today to remind myself to not go for that drink. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Hi Broken! A year is wonderful; I had 15 years of sobriety before I relapsed. I got complacent. I was performing in a band where the other guys were alcoholics and hard drug users. I wanted to be a part of the hijinx. I thought I could handle a bit of drink. Three years later I'd been kicked out of the band and was at rock bottom. I finally decided there was some bit of worth left within me and quit all at once. I had hallucinations, seizures and almost died. Thanks to a friend who didn't give up on me I was able to spend two months in rehab. Then with almost a year of sobriety I started drinking again. Now I have 4 months and am happy and have a real desire never to drink and the realization that I can never drink again without catastrophe. SR has been a great help to me. You can do this, Broken. I wish you the best.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome back Broken!!
You didn't get to a year Sober without learning a few things, developing a few Sober muscles and putting a few tools in the Sober toolbox of life, and that hasn't all just disappeared overnight, you still have those.
Draw a line under this and go at it again, a year hasn't been reset back to zero, apply and live once again what you learnt in all that time!!
You can do this!!
You didn't get to a year Sober without learning a few things, developing a few Sober muscles and putting a few tools in the Sober toolbox of life, and that hasn't all just disappeared overnight, you still have those.
Draw a line under this and go at it again, a year hasn't been reset back to zero, apply and live once again what you learnt in all that time!!
You can do this!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Broken - yes you can absolutely make it back, and several folks have shared their stories already
Noone - and I mean NOONE - is beyond hope
I'm glad you're back - SR is a great place to be.
Just as a personal aside - I look at my drinking self and then at who I am now...the 'sacrifice' of never drinking again is no sacrifice at all
Build a sober life you love and you'll never want to leave it
D
Noone - and I mean NOONE - is beyond hope
I'm glad you're back - SR is a great place to be.
Just as a personal aside - I look at my drinking self and then at who I am now...the 'sacrifice' of never drinking again is no sacrifice at all
Build a sober life you love and you'll never want to leave it
D
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Hi Broken,
The one thing that really stands out from your post to me is how you are beating yourself up so badly. Do you think you might have issues with being a perfectionist and intolerant of any weaknesses you might have? This is quite common with high achieving women with substance abuse issues. Even your name "brokenandflawed" seems to drill this point home. While I don't want to minimize the extent of your problem, your list of alcoholic sins mentioned here is pretty tame compared to a lot of us here. Yes, it's better to stop now before things get worse, but please be kind to yourself. Might I suggest a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown? That really resonated with my wife who has some of these issues as well.
The one thing that really stands out from your post to me is how you are beating yourself up so badly. Do you think you might have issues with being a perfectionist and intolerant of any weaknesses you might have? This is quite common with high achieving women with substance abuse issues. Even your name "brokenandflawed" seems to drill this point home. While I don't want to minimize the extent of your problem, your list of alcoholic sins mentioned here is pretty tame compared to a lot of us here. Yes, it's better to stop now before things get worse, but please be kind to yourself. Might I suggest a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown? That really resonated with my wife who has some of these issues as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Fluffer
Hi Broken, The one thing that really stands out from your post to me is how you are beating yourself up so badly. Do you think you might have issues with being a perfectionist and intolerant of any weaknesses you might have? This is quite common with high achieving women with substance abuse issues. Even your name "brokenandflawed" seems to drill this point home. While I don't want to minimize the extent of your problem, your list of alcoholic sins mentioned here is pretty tame compared to a lot of us here. Yes, it's better to stop now before things get worse, but please be kind to yourself. Might I suggest a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown? That really resonated with my wife who has some of these issues as well.
Hey Fluffer - thank you, this is an interesting perspective. I might be a perfectionist, that's true. I am for sure an "all or nothing" type - either I go all out or I don't go. That should be my first clue that moderation with alcohol is improbable for me. Anyway, thank you for the insight and book recommendation - will look it up now!
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