Finally admitting I have a problem...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2
Finally admitting I have a problem...
Okay, so first off I had written my life story here on my iPhone for you all to read... and somehow mistakenly lost all my text when I went to preview post!
Anyway - here's the short version. I have a lovely wife and 2 great kids with another on the way. Good paying job, from the outside I have the perfect life. Problem is, I've been secretly drinking 5 or 6 beers a night for quite a while. I started drinking in high school when I realized alcohol turned me into the social person I always wanted to be! I loved the way it made me feel. Problem is my drinking over the years has gone through cycles but overall worse throughout the years. Now I drink to escape the stress from my job. I've also gotten really good at hiding it from my wife so she doesn't notice it.
A few weeks ago we went on a weekend family trip with some friends. I ended up secretly drinking just enough to get pretty drunk, especially after my wife went to bed. Next morning I was pretty hungover so I slammed a beer to take help for the drive home... Hair of the dog.
About an hour into the trip home I dozed off at the wheel and crossed the centerline. Luckily the rumble strips woke me up and there was no oncoming traffic. I couldn't believe I had gotten to this point. Here I was putting my family in danger because of my stupid addiction!
I decided to quit cold turkey that night. It was tough but other than a headache and some serious cravings it was actually manageable. I wanted it... Bad. Sobriety that is.
Over the next week I was amazed at how much clearer my mind was already becoming. I was more patient with my kids and attentive. Better at my job and also just felt like I was in control. I would drink some diet soda drinks at night to at least fulfill that feeling of drinking something.
Then I left for a business trip a few days ago and fell off the wagon. It doesn't help that my co workers drink after work while traveling, and that client meetings usually involve some beers. That's just an excuse though... I know I have a problem. Because I have to have it once I start and then it's hard for me to stop.
So here I am now, on the plane drinking wine and admitting my problem. I feel so weak that I only lasted a week and gave in. During my recent business trips I would start drinking at the airport, continue on the plane and then maybe grab a road beer for the drive home. Usually my wife was sleeping by the time I got home so I didn't have to worry about her noticing I drove home Ina state I probably shouldn't have.
I must say though that reading the posts here gave me strength to carry through over that week that i was sober. So relieving to actually post this but also kind of scary. The stories here give me hope though, that I can join the ranks and finally quit. I wish i could just be a social drinker and have one or two. Sometimes I can, but other times I just keep going. I know though that without alcohol I could be the person I want to be. The dad and husband my family deserves and an employee that utilizes his potential. I think the term is functioning alcoholic, and I feel like that's where I'm at - but it's getting harder and harder to keep it under wraps and maintain my secret life of drinking.
Anyway, here's my story and hopefully tomorrow is my day one of recovery... Again.
Anyway - here's the short version. I have a lovely wife and 2 great kids with another on the way. Good paying job, from the outside I have the perfect life. Problem is, I've been secretly drinking 5 or 6 beers a night for quite a while. I started drinking in high school when I realized alcohol turned me into the social person I always wanted to be! I loved the way it made me feel. Problem is my drinking over the years has gone through cycles but overall worse throughout the years. Now I drink to escape the stress from my job. I've also gotten really good at hiding it from my wife so she doesn't notice it.
A few weeks ago we went on a weekend family trip with some friends. I ended up secretly drinking just enough to get pretty drunk, especially after my wife went to bed. Next morning I was pretty hungover so I slammed a beer to take help for the drive home... Hair of the dog.
About an hour into the trip home I dozed off at the wheel and crossed the centerline. Luckily the rumble strips woke me up and there was no oncoming traffic. I couldn't believe I had gotten to this point. Here I was putting my family in danger because of my stupid addiction!
I decided to quit cold turkey that night. It was tough but other than a headache and some serious cravings it was actually manageable. I wanted it... Bad. Sobriety that is.
Over the next week I was amazed at how much clearer my mind was already becoming. I was more patient with my kids and attentive. Better at my job and also just felt like I was in control. I would drink some diet soda drinks at night to at least fulfill that feeling of drinking something.
Then I left for a business trip a few days ago and fell off the wagon. It doesn't help that my co workers drink after work while traveling, and that client meetings usually involve some beers. That's just an excuse though... I know I have a problem. Because I have to have it once I start and then it's hard for me to stop.
So here I am now, on the plane drinking wine and admitting my problem. I feel so weak that I only lasted a week and gave in. During my recent business trips I would start drinking at the airport, continue on the plane and then maybe grab a road beer for the drive home. Usually my wife was sleeping by the time I got home so I didn't have to worry about her noticing I drove home Ina state I probably shouldn't have.
I must say though that reading the posts here gave me strength to carry through over that week that i was sober. So relieving to actually post this but also kind of scary. The stories here give me hope though, that I can join the ranks and finally quit. I wish i could just be a social drinker and have one or two. Sometimes I can, but other times I just keep going. I know though that without alcohol I could be the person I want to be. The dad and husband my family deserves and an employee that utilizes his potential. I think the term is functioning alcoholic, and I feel like that's where I'm at - but it's getting harder and harder to keep it under wraps and maintain my secret life of drinking.
Anyway, here's my story and hopefully tomorrow is my day one of recovery... Again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome Gocougs 
yeah you might have seen me write that I could be the man I wanted to be...or I could drink...but not both.
I've gained so much from not drinking that it's not drinking is not even a loss to me anymore
D
yeah you might have seen me write that I could be the man I wanted to be...or I could drink...but not both.
I've gained so much from not drinking that it's not drinking is not even a loss to me anymore
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
The clarity and self confidence that you felt during the clean week was just a taste of what you can have.
One thing I really don't worry about much is doing right by my family (friends too). It just comes naturally when I'm not sneaking around with my old backstabbing liquid pal.
Wake up in the morning -No prob. Unscheduled driving -No prob. Being present- No prob.
One thing I really don't worry about much is doing right by my family (friends too). It just comes naturally when I'm not sneaking around with my old backstabbing liquid pal.
Wake up in the morning -No prob. Unscheduled driving -No prob. Being present- No prob.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: CO, USA
Posts: 145
Welcome and thanks for sharing your story! From my experience, once you've accepted that there's a problem and decided you want to change, "falling off the wagon" can actually be a helpful part of the process. I know that for me, it allowed me to actually compare and contrast. I could see for myself that I felt better sober and that I felt terrible about myself when I slipped up and drank. I think the key is to use these feelings as a tool in the ongoing recovery process and not beat yourself up over it. Just stay committed and keep working! You can do it, and things will get so much better!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for the encouraging words. This really is a great forum and i get so much out of reading everyone's experiences and seeing a lot of commonalities in the struggles we go through.
Part of the difficulty in this is that I don't want to tell my wife that I have a problem because I've been keeping it hidden for so long. She knows I have a couple beers every once In awhile and is fine with it... But she has no idea that I've been drinking a LOT more than what she sees. And that its on a daily basis. I've even gone so far as to run to the store on a Friday afternoon for a six pack and go back to the office after having a beer or 2 in the parking lot (work in a remote office a lot of the time so nobody else around). You guys are really the first ones I've come clean with so thank you for being there!
Part of the difficulty in this is that I don't want to tell my wife that I have a problem because I've been keeping it hidden for so long. She knows I have a couple beers every once In awhile and is fine with it... But she has no idea that I've been drinking a LOT more than what she sees. And that its on a daily basis. I've even gone so far as to run to the store on a Friday afternoon for a six pack and go back to the office after having a beer or 2 in the parking lot (work in a remote office a lot of the time so nobody else around). You guys are really the first ones I've come clean with so thank you for being there!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
That's what I thought I was .... A functioning alcoholic bit really I wasn't functioning .... not how I could be. It gradually becomes harder and harder to keep it up, juggling everything and keeping up appearances whilst knowing what you were doing the night before. Where will it end up? That's what I keep asking myself and the answer is never positive!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: St Paul
Posts: 10
Welcome, reading your post is encouraging to me I am 4 days sober and similar to you wish I could be a social drinker. The problem is sometimes I can and sometimes I can't, I never know when I start which will happen. It's been difficult for me to come to terms with having s problem because I can go for so long and stop at one or two, then inevitably within a month or two maybe even three I get blackout drunk and the consequences get more and more severe. This last time I woke up in an ambulance in LA with no idea how I got there.
I am realizing that blackouts are a warning and a sign that I need help although those times that I remember drinking normally try to deceive me.
Sorry if this is a little all over the place but just saying everyone's journey is different and I have started going to AA meetings and find hope there. I wish you the best in your journey to sobriety.
I am realizing that blackouts are a warning and a sign that I need help although those times that I remember drinking normally try to deceive me.
Sorry if this is a little all over the place but just saying everyone's journey is different and I have started going to AA meetings and find hope there. I wish you the best in your journey to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi goccougs, I believe you have crossed the first hurdle, and that is recognizing that you have a problem and want to do something about it. I read this site for months before I joined and it was scary. But I took the leap and have not regretted a minute of it (except for the few times I posted drunk, I do regret that).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your wife deserves your honesty......if you truly want to get better than pull your own covers, let her know, don't make empty promises, just get busy doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay sober. you can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I think it's important to know that 'functioning alcoholic' is not a type of alcoholic, but a stage of alcoholism. Things will worsen unless you stop drinking. Good for you to recognize the potential you have to be the person you want to be without alcohol in your life.
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