HELP: Sister pregnant by alcoholic/drug addicted boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3
HELP: Sister pregnant by alcoholic/drug addicted boyfriend
Really need some advice. Last summer, my sister finalized her divorce from her alcoholic husband of 10 years. She and her daughter lived with me and my family during the year and a half she worked through the divorce. She was working full time, going to school full time and being a single mom. We (me/husband and my parents) helped her financially with her divorce and took care of my niece during this time. She graduated with an RN in January, got a great new job, moved out on her own and it seemed like her life was on the upswing. But in March, we found out she moved out because a man she was secretly dating was kicked out of his place and needed somewhere to live. She was "in love". We were concerned because it was so sudden and the guy had no job, no vehicle and medical issues. But then we find out the guy also was an alcoholic and addicted to pain meds. OK, again we were concerned, especially for my niece, but accepted him for her sake. My sister "didn't want to hear it" and wanted us to give him another chance. He went to rehab for six weeks at her insistence and because he "wanted to keep her and her daughter in his life." He gets out and a week later, abandoned her at a bus stop and my niece at her summer program when he was supposed to pick them up *in my sister's car* because my sister had been late the day before getting him to a meeting. Because she was coming home from *work* and was stuck in traffic. She called me to come get her after she had sat there for two hours in 90-degree heat. He'd apparently also been cruel (her words) to her all week. Huge fight later, he was going to be committed for six months. The next day, he was still there living with her and all was forgiven because he was going to go to AA. Find out this past weekend he was drinking again with her knowledge. And oh happy day, she's pregnant. On purpose. And she wants her family's support and happiness. My question for you: Do I keep offering my support to my sister, even though it allows her to keep enabling and accepting his behavior? What do I do? Why won't she leave him? Doesn't she see what's happening? I'm so frustrated, scared and disgusted by the whole thing. And afraid of how it's affecting my niece. Now TWO men in her mom's life are actively drinking alcoholics. Help me, please.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: georgia
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by MayL 
Really need some advice. Last summer, my sister finalized her divorce from her alcoholic husband of 10 years. She and her daughter lived with me and my family during the year and a half she worked through the divorce. She was working full time, going to school full time and being a single mom. We (me/husband and my parents) helped her financially with her divorce and took care of my niece during this time. She graduated with an RN in January, got a great new job, moved out on her own and it seemed like her life was on the upswing. But in March, we found out she moved out because a man she was secretly dating was kicked out of his place and needed somewhere to live. She was "in love". We were concerned because it was so sudden and the guy had no job, no vehicle and medical issues. But then we find out the guy also was an alcoholic and addicted to pain meds. OK, again we were concerned, especially for my niece, but accepted him for her sake. My sister "didn't want to hear it" and wanted us to give him another chance. He went to rehab for six weeks at her insistence and because he "wanted to keep her and her daughter in his life." He gets out and a week later, abandoned her at a bus stop and my niece at her summer program when he was supposed to pick them up *in my sister's car* because my sister had been late the day before getting him to a meeting. Because she was coming home from *work* and was stuck in traffic. She called me to come get her after she had sat there for two hours in 90-degree heat. He'd apparently also been cruel (her words) to her all week. Huge fight later, he was going to be committed for six months. The next day, he was still there living with her and all was forgiven because he was going to go to AA. Find out this past weekend he was drinking again with her knowledge. And oh happy day, she's pregnant. On purpose. And she wants her family's support and happiness. My question for you: Do I keep offering my support to my sister, even though it allows her to keep enabling and accepting his behavior? What do I do? Why won't she leave him? Doesn't she see what's happening? I'm so frustrated, scared and disgusted by the whole thing. And afraid of how it's affecting my niece. Now TWO men in her mom's life are actively drinking alcoholics. Help me, please.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome May.
I'm really sorry for what brings you here. It's devastating to watch someone we love make questionable choices, and to feel powerless to stop it.
Have you considered something like AlAnon or some other support group for the loved ones of addicts/alcoholics?
D
I'm really sorry for what brings you here. It's devastating to watch someone we love make questionable choices, and to feel powerless to stop it.
Have you considered something like AlAnon or some other support group for the loved ones of addicts/alcoholics?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3
Thank you
Thank you for the replies. I'm going to go to Alanon starting Monday. Which is sort of ironic because my sister also goes to Alanon. We live in a smallish town so I should find a different meeting location! I don't know what kind of a response she was hoping for from all her family. But to a person, everyone is pretty disgusted she's bringing an innocent baby into such a messed up situation. I'm trying so hard not to judge and just love. But Lord help me, I'm mad! It's as if every chance she's presented an opportunity to make a healthy decision, she's chooses the complete opposite. And she was doing so well for so long, getting her life on track. Then BOOM. He came and it was all secrets and drama and drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Support her where you can
but realize
you will for the most part be powerless over the outcome.
A true fact
sounds like she has set herself up for much
pain and suffering down the road.
For sure
the guy needs treatment and sobriety
but
some wait many, many years before being ready
and other are never ready.
MM
but realize
you will for the most part be powerless over the outcome.
A true fact
sounds like she has set herself up for much
pain and suffering down the road.
For sure
the guy needs treatment and sobriety
but
some wait many, many years before being ready
and other are never ready.
MM
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
Ugh, I'm sorry you have to watch this all happening.
I don't think there's much you can do but let her get on with it. But be there for your niece and the baby. Your sister got into these messes of her own free will, but the kids didn't have a choice.
I wish you the very best x
I don't think there's much you can do but let her get on with it. But be there for your niece and the baby. Your sister got into these messes of her own free will, but the kids didn't have a choice.
I wish you the very best x
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