nebrgrl

You have me in tears. That's me. You are me. I'm just not sure I can do all of this before the wedding. That's my biggest fear. What if I start this and I am a huge sick mess for my wedding? Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can't thank you enough. I'm going to rely on these messages in the days and weeks to come.

Dee74

Hi and welcome nebrgirl

there's never a good time to quit - ever...but the sooner you do the better shape you'd be, physically and mentally, in in 3 weeks time.

Why not go see your Dr? start your married life on the right foot?

nebrgrl

Yes, I think the best thing is to go see a doctor.

I have always seemed to have substance abuse issues. I was in a car accident in 2000 and became addicted to pain medication. I was on it for years and ended up on morphine. A couple of years ago that turned into a year long bout with heroin. I chose to do a methadone clinic, and in the last two years I've gone from 75 mg of methadone per day to currently 7.5 mg. I'm almost done. I have transferred out of the clinic to a private doctor who is treating me, so I no longer have to subject myself to the clinic. At my current rate of a 2.5 mg drop every two weeks that puts me at 0 just shortly after my wedding. It will be the first time in almost 20 years that I will be able to wake up without any kind of opiate in my system. It's hard for me to even fathom that. It's hard for me to believe that this ever happened to me in the first place. I'm a college educated professional. I like to think of myself as a smart person most of the time. But I got pretty tangled up in all of this and it got scary. I thought I was going to die at the end, and I didn't want to do that.

What complicates matters is that, along with many other people who struggle with substance abuse issues, I also suffer from a mood disorder. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 20. I have more of the depressive side of bipolar - bipolar II, so I just get hypomanic rather than full blown mania. I get a little agitated and wound up and it escalates and then I plummet into a killer depression (no pun intended). Drinking and drugs are not a friend to a girl with this kind of thing. I know this. My smart brain knows it. My self destructo brain has continued to ignore the smart side. It's a vicious cycle.

I guess the good news is that lately I have been unable to ignore that awful gnawing guilt that seems to have settled in with no apparent plans to let up anytime soon. It's funny, I've made so much progress and yet I still feel like I am failing because I haven't stopped drinking yet. I've spent my entire life since I was 16 years old constantly reaching for something to alter my reality. I didn't know that's what I was doing, but it was. I don't know what I will actually be like when it's just me, just nebgrl. I don't know who that person is. It's a lot to wrap my head around.

Soberwolf

Stick around

FeelingGreat

I know what you mean neb. You seem to have a core of self-respect that doesn't let you settle for the status-quo. You've overcome heroin when you could have sunk further into addiction - something is driving you, and if you're like me you have a picture of the sort of person you want to be and you won't settle for less. One of the very best things about sobriety for me was waking up without that crushing burden of self-reproach and guilt. I love it so much it stops me from relapsing.
I'm sure your doctor would be the very best person to talk to, because he is familiar with you and your history. Although most people will urge you to stop right now, today, I personally had to take a few weeks to process the idea. Once I got my head around it, stopping was a natural progression, although strategies to deal with cravings were essential.