jryan19982

That realization hit for me when I tried to stop and I lasted a few days and ended up drinking almost 12 beers on a weekday in which I would usually drink 6. Id buy a sixer and kill it. But on that day, I went out and got another one. I was 6 deep shortly after 2 hours after I got home from work. That night I totally vegged out, drank, and ignored everyone and everything that means something to me. I could care less what my wife was doing or saying, I could care less what my daughter was doing or saying to me, I could care less what my newborn son was doing. I could care less that my wife was doing all the work with the kids while I drank myself into a stupor and I could care less what she thought while I was doing that.

Basic theme was that I could care less. Or I couldnt care less, Im not sure which is correct but you get the idea.

This was when I joined this site, but it still took me a while to try and stop drinking again- to even give it an effort. It took me more days of being hungover, and then more nights of drinking until I didnt care about anything. It took me more days filled with anxiety, more days feeling sick... it took more days.

Then I went on a nice run of sober days. I felt fantastic, I was active in my own life and the life of my family. I took time to live my life, and took the time to enjoy what was around me. I was loving it. And then that spiral started, like the toilet, it starts slow, then before you know it you are being sucked back into the bottom.

None of this came easy. I went through a dark time, a time that I was talking about to my wife the other day, that she was not happy about. She would mention this, at the time of my drinking, in a nice way that I would completely ignore and brush off. I think the relationship with my daughter suffered because of it.

But Im off the sauce again and I am starting to feel good about it. Life is starting to come together even if I do have my good days and bad. Life is too short not to pay attention to what is going on around me. Life is too short to not realize what a lucky person I am, and how much I have going for me, even if I did lose some things to the sauce.

I wasnt happy, I was constantly upset, or depressed, or filled with anxiety. I was constantly worrying, and that is not how I should be living life. You only get one shot in life, and its up to you to take advantage of it to make it count. I know that for some (soldiers, sick kids, violence, drug overdoses) they dont even have half, or a fraction of the time that I have had in life. Kids die at war at age 18, kids die of cancer at 2 or 3 years of age, kids die from gang violence while playing in the streets... and Im sure that they would give anything to have even one more day alive. While I was wasting each day in the bottom of a bottle- or 6- or 12 or whatever I decided to drink.

So with all that, why does it take so long to realize that a problem exists and to fix it? I am having a tough go of it this week again, and these are the thoughts that are running through my head. Sorry for the rambling and incoherent thoughts.

doggonecarl

Based on my own experience, when "tough times" prompt thoughts of drinking, I haven't figured out how to cope with the situations that are causing the drinking thoughts. Recovery is more than just abstaining from alcohol. If our thoughts are constantly returning to drinking, or worse, if we are drinking, then there is something missing from our recovery, some element that needs to be added or tweaked.

Escape is always easier than dealing with tough times, but there is no less effective technique than running from our problems.

jryan19982

Im not drinking which I am happy about. I just wasnt happy that it took so long to realize and THEN act on it. A lot of these thoughts came about when I was talking to my wife, and we are considering sponsoring a child in a third world country. Nothing heroic, as it costs a little more than a dollar a day, which buys them lunches at school, and school materials, etc. A lot of those kids have one, or no parents, and their life is probably hellish. But on the other hand that is all they know, think it is normal, and thats life. And they still enjoy life etc. It just brought up all these times in which I was selfish and didnt appreciate anything.

Nowsthetime

For me it was all about denial. With my good job, nice house, great family... etc... How could I have an alcohol problem? My issue was ignorance. I didn't know that alcoholics come in all forms. I remember thinking I needed to quit in my early twenties and it took 10 more years. Ignorance fulled by the stigma.

I'm so glad that I googled and this place came up because it has really educated me and that has made the whole difference.

Coldfusion

I find that I must be constantly vigilant--that I am always on the brink, just one drink away from disaster. For me, recovery will be a lifelong process. But I have a plan to deal with it--I have a program and meetings. And I spend a lot of time here at SoberRecovery.

You ask why it takes so long, but I ask you why you expect it to end.

Nowsthetime

So now you know better. This is positive!!! Remember you can't change the past but the present is at your fingertips and it will become your new past.

We have our life infront of us and you are making it what you want it to be.

I'm proud of you for your sobriety and for helping a kid in a developing country!!! You will make a difference in their life.

Anna

I think that denial is a huge part of alcoholism. I told myself for a long time that I could stop whenever I wanted, I just didn't want to. It was all lies. And, it is hard to look back and face the selfish behaviour. I had a really difficult time with that because, well, there it is. You have to look at it, accept it and move on. Be the husband and father you want to be.

ScottFromWI

I think it's sometimes simply human nature to try and take the easy way out. And for many of us drinking presented that option for a long time. Only when I finally acknowledged that drinking was taking far more away than it was giving did I take action and get help. In hindsight I should have stopped long before I actually did too, but there's really nothing I (or anyone) can do to change that. I also have accepted that i'll probably never know the answer to many of the "WHY" questions associated with my alcoholism. For example:

Why did i not stop earlier?
Why can't I drink like other people?
Why am I an alcoholic?
Why cant' I fix myself and become a regular drinker again?

I have learned to accept that there is no answer to these questions, and trying to find out the answer is simply not possible. Once you can do that, you can focus a lot more time and energy on things that DO matter.

Soberwolf

What Anna said I agree with

LBrain

Have you ever heard the expression, 'It isn't cheating if you don't get caught' ?

I believe some form of that philosophy applies to "alcoholics" who are able to maintain a reasonable facade of living normally. Many attempt to continue to fool themselves until it is too late. Or until something happens that changes the game. That's when the expression 'The jig is up' comes into play.
If you know there is an issue that needs to be addressed, don't wait until the 'jig is up' to do something about it.

ArtFriend

This reminds me of that metaphor about the boiled frog -

If you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will of course frantically try to clamber out. But if you place it gently in a pot of tepid water and turn the heat on low, it will float there quite placidly. As the water gradually heats up, the frog will sink into a tranquil stupor, exactly like one of us in a hot bath, and before long, with a smile on its face, it will unresistingly allow itself to be boiled to death.

PurpleKnight

There's a real side to addiction in all of this, it's not an easy cycle to break, but it can be done!!

Dee74

My life, my friends, my coping mechanisms all revolved around alcohol.
No one likes to think about that level of change, and noone likes to feel different.

I'm glad I stuck with it though because I found a me I had forgotten existed, and a life I could never have imagined

D