Moving in with my girlfriend, she doesn't know...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Moving in with my girlfriend, she doesn't know...
Been on and off this site for a couple years.
Next month I move in with my girlfriend. We've known each other for 5 or 6 years, been dating seriously for a year and a half. She's an incredibly well-adjusted 32 year old attorney with a very healthy relationship with alcohol, her family and life in general. I'm a wildly maladjusted divorced 38 year old attorney with a ruinous relationship with alcohol, my parents are a source of nothing but stress and I procrastinate to the brink of destruction.
Know I should quit entirely and walk the sober line but scared to have to tell her. She is the ultimate social drinker - has fun, gets drunk sometimes but it's clear there is no problem there - and I also don't want her to have to now have a man who doesn't drink.
Next month I move in with my girlfriend. We've known each other for 5 or 6 years, been dating seriously for a year and a half. She's an incredibly well-adjusted 32 year old attorney with a very healthy relationship with alcohol, her family and life in general. I'm a wildly maladjusted divorced 38 year old attorney with a ruinous relationship with alcohol, my parents are a source of nothing but stress and I procrastinate to the brink of destruction.
Know I should quit entirely and walk the sober line but scared to have to tell her. She is the ultimate social drinker - has fun, gets drunk sometimes but it's clear there is no problem there - and I also don't want her to have to now have a man who doesn't drink.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
If this relationship is to survive, a decision to stop drinking would be a great tester as to what's most important to your girlfriend, is it actually you as a person or the lifestyle that you guys share when together, a life changing decision would be something I would want someone to stand behind me on and support.
The other side of the coin is you could be simply playing out all the excuses in your mind for you not to give Sobriety a real go, dragging your feet and it's your addiction doing the talking, and you won't really know until you give it a try.
Give it a go, you've everything to gain from both a Sobriety point of view and a relationship viewpoint!!
The other side of the coin is you could be simply playing out all the excuses in your mind for you not to give Sobriety a real go, dragging your feet and it's your addiction doing the talking, and you won't really know until you give it a try.
Give it a go, you've everything to gain from both a Sobriety point of view and a relationship viewpoint!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by lessgravity 
... I also don't want her to have to now have a man who doesn't drink.
REALLY?? Your alcoholic voice really is having one up your leg if you really believe that you're planning on continuing to drink alcoholically to spare her the misfortune of living with someone who doesn't drink.
Why not pop over to the Friends and Family sub-forum and read up on how happy it makes people to live with someone with a ruinous relationship with alcohol.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
I also don't want her to have to now have a man who doesn't drink.
Famous Teetotallers | List of Celebrities Who Don't Drink Alcohol
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Sit down, have an open hearted discussion with her, tell her straight up front, and let the chips fall where they may. Sorry, but anything less is you being selfish, and letting her find out in 6 months from now when she's already too far into the relationship to easily get out.
If you love her, you wouldn't do that to her. Be up front, and honest with her now. If she loves you, she'll accept you for who you are, and hopefully you'll enjoy an amazing life together. She's going to find out one way or another though, so best to get it out of the way now, before you end up in a position where both of you would get extremely hurt due to a break up.
If you love her, you wouldn't do that to her. Be up front, and honest with her now. If she loves you, she'll accept you for who you are, and hopefully you'll enjoy an amazing life together. She's going to find out one way or another though, so best to get it out of the way now, before you end up in a position where both of you would get extremely hurt due to a break up.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by lessgravity
Know I should quit entirely and walk the sober line but scared to have to tell her. She is the ultimate social drinker - has fun, gets drunk sometimes but it's clear there is no problem there - and I also don't want her to have to now have a man who doesn't drink.
I found ways to get around that.
If you want to quit drinking, it's going to take more action on your part than moving in with your gal.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Unfortunately alcoholism is progressive it only gets worse. Save both of you a lot of pain. either quit drinking or don't move in together. The truth will likely come out sooner than later anyway
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
My thinking is...if you truly love her, don't move in with her. Tell her about your drinking issues and then do whatever is necessary to stop drinking and live a sober life. If, after a year or 18 months of being sober, the two of you want to live together, then everyone will be on the same page with no surprises.
Just my opinion.
Just my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I thought marrying my "normal drinking" girlfriend would resolve my drinking problems.
I found ways to get around that.
If you want to quit drinking, it's going to take more action on your part than moving in with your gal.
I found ways to get around that.
If you want to quit drinking, it's going to take more action on your part than moving in with your gal.
The lease has been signed...
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
My guess is that she already knows, most likely she's known for a long time. Unless you live completely apart and never meet in person there no way she wouldn't have noticed by now, especially with some of the stories you've told us about your drinking. And if she somehow doesn't know she will soon.
You need to sit down and discuss it candidly and openly with her. First off there's a lot is denial that your thinking this will somehow "fix" you , or even worse that you can somehow control your drinking because she can. Secondly, if she doesn't know it's hugely irresponsible on your part to sign the lease, as an attorney you should know rhat.
You need to sit down and discuss it candidly and openly with her. First off there's a lot is denial that your thinking this will somehow "fix" you , or even worse that you can somehow control your drinking because she can. Secondly, if she doesn't know it's hugely irresponsible on your part to sign the lease, as an attorney you should know rhat.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 214
Maybe you should have an open and honest conversation with her about your drinking problem. Do not move in with her until she fully understands what's going on and you get into recovery. Don't let her become a victim of this disease too...
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I think there are several issues here.
- Are you using your gf's possible reaction as a reason (excuse
) not to quit?
- Surely she already knows you have issues with alcohol if you have known each other so long and been in a serious relationship so long
- I think you should seriously consider whether moving in with someone when you cannot be/have not been truly honest with them is a good step to take.
- Maybe separating the moving in and your drinking. Do you think maybe sorting out your drinking/quitting before making such a big life change might be a better step
- Are you using your gf's possible reaction as a reason (excuse
) not to quit?- Surely she already knows you have issues with alcohol if you have known each other so long and been in a serious relationship so long
- I think you should seriously consider whether moving in with someone when you cannot be/have not been truly honest with them is a good step to take.
- Maybe separating the moving in and your drinking. Do you think maybe sorting out your drinking/quitting before making such a big life change might be a better step
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I don't have a lot of time to respond but this post struck me because I see myself in it. (Not that I don't relate to other posts, just this one jumps out.) My GF also does the same work I do. We met at work actually. And we are not attorneys, and to preserve anonymity, I don't want to get into what we do, but it's very similar, highly skilled, intense work that has a social drinking component to it, just like attorneys, and often with the attorneys we work in close conjunction with. Maybe that's why I relate so specifically to this. My GF drinks socially also. We're not going to move in together soon, but I felt the same fear, that stopping would make her not want to be with me. I stopped anyway, and while she doesn't know I'm posting on an online support group (yet) I did tell her that I can't drink anymore, and listed the ways that alcohol has "contributed to" downfalls in my life (anxiety attacks, workouts, etc). It's not awkward, so far. We are still that awesome smart couple who are good at our jobs, and hang out with our friends and colleagues. I don't drink alcohol, but it doesn't matter, to her, or to others. No one seems to notice it or care. She spent the weekend with me. She drank a fancy cocktail with appetizers at dinner and I didn't. She is not an alcoholic and doesn't need me to drink with her. There are successful, social, smart, recovering alcoholics in healthy relationships with people who happen to not be alcoholics. You can be one. I can be one, too. I do not make her my recovery crutch, but I'm not hiding from her what I am and am not doing, for the most part. This is my recovery, not hers. If me drinking mattered to her so much that stopping were a problem, I'd be a mess, working on ending the relationship, but ultimately that would be what I'd have to do. It crossed my mind that that may happen. But I was wrong. I'm rambling and not thinking this through because I have to get to the office but the long and short of it is that I'd wager that stopping drinking would not be a deal killer to a smart and successful woman. Actively being an alcoholic could be, over time, or soon, though. Think about it. It's your recovery. If she objects, it says much more about her than you, and that's a whole other problem, which can also be solved. Take care of you. I'm not rereading this before I post so sorry for the ramble.
xo-B
xo-B
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
There is absolutely no reason why you cannot decide to quit drinking, once and for all, and do it. You deserve a life with this wonderful woman who loves you, don't you? You need to believe you get only one shot at this, so just go and do it.
People quit drinking all the time, in every circumstance imaginable. You can be one of them. If the thought of saying no forever to alcohol is terrifying, phrase it differently. Can you say yes to yourself?
I was a bad procrastinator too, but once I had made this huge accomplishment of permanent sobriety, it became so much easier to just keep the momentum going forward and doing the first thing next. Life got a whole bunch easier in many many ways.
Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol?
People quit drinking all the time, in every circumstance imaginable. You can be one of them. If the thought of saying no forever to alcohol is terrifying, phrase it differently. Can you say yes to yourself?
I was a bad procrastinator too, but once I had made this huge accomplishment of permanent sobriety, it became so much easier to just keep the momentum going forward and doing the first thing next. Life got a whole bunch easier in many many ways.
Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol?
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hmm...My XGF was the same way. We'd known each other as friends for years, though we hadn't had contact for a long time before I found her and we got together as a couple. I started my relapse right around the time we became a couple. Though I at first resisted moving in with her and her two-year-old son (I didn't want her to know the extent of my problems with alcohol), she was set on doing so. During the time we were friends, I'd been sober for about twelve years, and she hadn't known me as a drinker.
Things were great in the beginning, as they often are. Due to our conflicting schedules, we typically spent weekends together. Dinner, movies, outdoor cafes, and all that NYC has to offer. Her fondness for wine made it easier for me to conceal my drinking. As bad as I felt for carrying my deadly secret, I was also happy to be able to drink with and around her. I "got away with it" for several months, though I was increasingly signalling to her that there was a serious problem. We were in love (as much as an active alcoholic can be in love) and, in retrospect, she seemed inclined to overlook many of my failings. (She, too, is a clinical psychologist, and one of her areas of expertise is harm reduction, though I've sometimes wondered whether or not her thoughts and feelings have changed on this.)
Though I wasn't abusive in any obvious way, I became increasingly distant, not present, in the relationship, and I was much less than the man she'd known previously. As an alcoholic, I framed my not being abusive as a positive character trait, something desirable, rather than as what it truly was: an excuse to continue on the way I was, regardless of how this may have affected her. When the dam finally broke, when I was drinking most of the time, it was broken forever. I made not a single genuine effort to stop drinking or to get help. Since she then knew all about my drinking, there was no longer a reason to hide it as much as I had, except to avoid her confronting me. I'd made a choice: drinking was more important to me than continuing the relationship, even though I still wanted both. At that point, it was only a matter of time before things fell apart completely, and the process was both ugly and painful, for both of us. Somewhere along the line, she just stopped caring.
And therein lies the problem. Procrastinating "to the brink of destruction" indeed. You reached out for help only after the dye was cast, and not before. Given that you've acknowledged that you have a "ruinous relationship with alcohol," this makes perfect sense to me. You had a relationship with this woman for several years before you became a couple, and then as a couple for one-and-a-half years, during which time you apparently hid your drinking from her. All this lead up to your agreeing to live together, though at no time (as far as I know) did you reach out for good counsel. Again, given your relationship with alcohol, this makes perfect sense.
Now you're up against it. My experience has been that when our backs are up against the wall, and when we're not committed to putting down the drink, what we do is up the ante, drinking more and, by virtue of doing so, acting out even more. There is no happy ending to this story unless you come clean and get yourself sober. Even this guarantees nothing. There is only one way to abort the self-destruct sequence.
You don't seem disposed to being honest with the person with whom you've agreed to live(!), and you also don't seem all that interested in putting down the drink. One of the more likely scenarios that will play out here is that you will become increasingly dishonest. You'll lie about your drinking and, when confronted with this, you'll talk about being "tired," "stressed out," or "adjusting to" your new living arrangements. You'll convince yourself that things would have been great had you two not moved in together, which will lead to your blaming her, or at least blaming "the situation," for your problems. (Of course, you don't need to reveal anything here about yourself, but I'm curious about how the decision to live together came about.)
There is much more to my story, but the end of your story, for now, is that if you want to experience perhaps the worst heartache of your life, and if you're willing to share that heartache with someone you ostensibly love, then do nothing more than continue on the path that brought you here today.
Things were great in the beginning, as they often are. Due to our conflicting schedules, we typically spent weekends together. Dinner, movies, outdoor cafes, and all that NYC has to offer. Her fondness for wine made it easier for me to conceal my drinking. As bad as I felt for carrying my deadly secret, I was also happy to be able to drink with and around her. I "got away with it" for several months, though I was increasingly signalling to her that there was a serious problem. We were in love (as much as an active alcoholic can be in love) and, in retrospect, she seemed inclined to overlook many of my failings. (She, too, is a clinical psychologist, and one of her areas of expertise is harm reduction, though I've sometimes wondered whether or not her thoughts and feelings have changed on this.)
Though I wasn't abusive in any obvious way, I became increasingly distant, not present, in the relationship, and I was much less than the man she'd known previously. As an alcoholic, I framed my not being abusive as a positive character trait, something desirable, rather than as what it truly was: an excuse to continue on the way I was, regardless of how this may have affected her. When the dam finally broke, when I was drinking most of the time, it was broken forever. I made not a single genuine effort to stop drinking or to get help. Since she then knew all about my drinking, there was no longer a reason to hide it as much as I had, except to avoid her confronting me. I'd made a choice: drinking was more important to me than continuing the relationship, even though I still wanted both. At that point, it was only a matter of time before things fell apart completely, and the process was both ugly and painful, for both of us. Somewhere along the line, she just stopped caring.
Originally Posted by lessgravity
The lease has been signed...
Now you're up against it. My experience has been that when our backs are up against the wall, and when we're not committed to putting down the drink, what we do is up the ante, drinking more and, by virtue of doing so, acting out even more. There is no happy ending to this story unless you come clean and get yourself sober. Even this guarantees nothing. There is only one way to abort the self-destruct sequence.
You don't seem disposed to being honest with the person with whom you've agreed to live(!), and you also don't seem all that interested in putting down the drink. One of the more likely scenarios that will play out here is that you will become increasingly dishonest. You'll lie about your drinking and, when confronted with this, you'll talk about being "tired," "stressed out," or "adjusting to" your new living arrangements. You'll convince yourself that things would have been great had you two not moved in together, which will lead to your blaming her, or at least blaming "the situation," for your problems. (Of course, you don't need to reveal anything here about yourself, but I'm curious about how the decision to live together came about.)
There is much more to my story, but the end of your story, for now, is that if you want to experience perhaps the worst heartache of your life, and if you're willing to share that heartache with someone you ostensibly love, then do nothing more than continue on the path that brought you here today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
Hmm...My XGF was the same way. We'd known each other as friends for years, though we hadn't had contact for a long time before I found her and we got together as a couple. I started my relapse right around the time we became a couple. Though I at first resisted moving in with her and her two-year-old son (I didn't want her to know the extent of my problems with alcohol), she was set on doing so. During the time we were friends, I'd been sober for about twelve years, and she hadn't known me as a drinker.
Things were great in the beginning, as they often are. Due to our conflicting schedules, we typically spent weekends together. Dinner, movies, outdoor cafes, and all that NYC has to offer. Her fondness for wine made it easier for me to conceal my drinking. As bad as I felt for carrying my deadly secret, I was also happy to be able to drink with and around her. I "got away with it" for several months, though I was increasingly signalling to her that there was a serious problem. We were in love (as much as an active alcoholic can be in love) and, in retrospect, she seemed inclined to overlook many of my failings. (She, too, is a clinical psychologist, and one of her areas of expertise is harm reduction, though I've sometimes wondered whether or not her thoughts and feelings have changed on this.)
Though I wasn't abusive in any obvious way, I became increasingly distant, not present, in the relationship, and I was much less than the man she'd known previously. As an alcoholic, I framed my not being abusive as a positive character trait, something desirable, rather than as what it truly was: an excuse to continue on the way I was, regardless of how this may have affected her. When the dam finally broke, when I was drinking most of the time, it was broken forever. I made not a single genuine effort to stop drinking or to get help. Since she then knew all about my drinking, there was no longer a reason to hide it as much as I had, except to avoid her confronting me. I'd made a choice: drinking was more important to me than continuing the relationship, even though I still wanted both. At that point, it was only a matter of time before things fell apart completely, and the process was both ugly and painful, for both of us. Somewhere along the line, she just stopped caring.
And therein lies the problem. Procrastinating "to the brink of destruction" indeed. You reached out for help only after the dye was cast, and not before. Given that you've acknowledged that you have a "ruinous relationship with alcohol," this makes perfect sense to me. You had a relationship with this woman for several years before you became a couple, and then as a couple for one-and-a-half years, during which time you apparently hid your drinking from her. All this lead up to your agreeing to live together, though at no time (as far as I know) did you reach out for good counsel. Again, given your relationship with alcohol, this makes perfect sense.
Now you're up against it. My experience has been that when our backs are up against the wall, and when we're not committed to putting down the drink, what we do is up the ante, drinking more and, by virtue of doing so, acting out even more. There is no happy ending to this story unless you come clean and get yourself sober. Even this guarantees nothing. There is only one way to abort the self-destruct sequence.
You don't seem disposed to being honest with the person with whom you've agreed to live(!), and you also don't seem all that interested in putting down the drink. One of the more likely scenarios that will play out here is that you will become increasingly dishonest. You'll lie about your drinking and, when confronted with this, you'll talk about being "tired," "stressed out," or "adjusting to" your new living arrangements. You'll convince yourself that things would have been great had you two not moved in together, which will lead to your blaming her, or at least blaming "the situation," for your problems. (Of course, you don't need to reveal anything here about yourself, but I'm curious about how the decision to live together came about.)
There is much more to my story, but the end of your story, for now, is that if you want to experience perhaps the worst heartache of your life, and if you're willing to share that heartache with someone you ostensibly love, then do nothing more than continue on the path that brought you here today.
Things were great in the beginning, as they often are. Due to our conflicting schedules, we typically spent weekends together. Dinner, movies, outdoor cafes, and all that NYC has to offer. Her fondness for wine made it easier for me to conceal my drinking. As bad as I felt for carrying my deadly secret, I was also happy to be able to drink with and around her. I "got away with it" for several months, though I was increasingly signalling to her that there was a serious problem. We were in love (as much as an active alcoholic can be in love) and, in retrospect, she seemed inclined to overlook many of my failings. (She, too, is a clinical psychologist, and one of her areas of expertise is harm reduction, though I've sometimes wondered whether or not her thoughts and feelings have changed on this.)
Though I wasn't abusive in any obvious way, I became increasingly distant, not present, in the relationship, and I was much less than the man she'd known previously. As an alcoholic, I framed my not being abusive as a positive character trait, something desirable, rather than as what it truly was: an excuse to continue on the way I was, regardless of how this may have affected her. When the dam finally broke, when I was drinking most of the time, it was broken forever. I made not a single genuine effort to stop drinking or to get help. Since she then knew all about my drinking, there was no longer a reason to hide it as much as I had, except to avoid her confronting me. I'd made a choice: drinking was more important to me than continuing the relationship, even though I still wanted both. At that point, it was only a matter of time before things fell apart completely, and the process was both ugly and painful, for both of us. Somewhere along the line, she just stopped caring.
And therein lies the problem. Procrastinating "to the brink of destruction" indeed. You reached out for help only after the dye was cast, and not before. Given that you've acknowledged that you have a "ruinous relationship with alcohol," this makes perfect sense to me. You had a relationship with this woman for several years before you became a couple, and then as a couple for one-and-a-half years, during which time you apparently hid your drinking from her. All this lead up to your agreeing to live together, though at no time (as far as I know) did you reach out for good counsel. Again, given your relationship with alcohol, this makes perfect sense.
Now you're up against it. My experience has been that when our backs are up against the wall, and when we're not committed to putting down the drink, what we do is up the ante, drinking more and, by virtue of doing so, acting out even more. There is no happy ending to this story unless you come clean and get yourself sober. Even this guarantees nothing. There is only one way to abort the self-destruct sequence.
You don't seem disposed to being honest with the person with whom you've agreed to live(!), and you also don't seem all that interested in putting down the drink. One of the more likely scenarios that will play out here is that you will become increasingly dishonest. You'll lie about your drinking and, when confronted with this, you'll talk about being "tired," "stressed out," or "adjusting to" your new living arrangements. You'll convince yourself that things would have been great had you two not moved in together, which will lead to your blaming her, or at least blaming "the situation," for your problems. (Of course, you don't need to reveal anything here about yourself, but I'm curious about how the decision to live together came about.)
There is much more to my story, but the end of your story, for now, is that if you want to experience perhaps the worst heartache of your life, and if you're willing to share that heartache with someone you ostensibly love, then do nothing more than continue on the path that brought you here today.
I keep telling myself that once I'm around her all the time that I'll be able to finally put the drink down, at least more regularly than I have been.
Do I know how ridiculous this sounds? I do. If I was sober I'd be laughing this line of thought out of the door.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
