Poof...
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
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Poof...
Poof! I'm sober and all my troubles should disappear?
This is where I've gone wrong before, and only this time quitting I'm recognizing it and totally aware, which is awesome!
Had a sorta bad day yesterday. Nothing happened, just in a crappy mood. A few days before, I got angry at my daughter and in a moment, reacted to her in a short, voice raised, biting tone. Over-reaction yes, but nothing major or hurtful. So really not that big a deal, but..........................
When these things happen.....or should I say, when "sober life" happens, the AV kicks in and it says very clearly "See, nothing has changed since you're sober. You're still a beotch, unable to control your emotions. And silly you, now you're having bad days for no reason at all! Atleast if you were drinking, you'd have a reason to be in a crappy mood. You are worthless....just have one".
When I've quit drinking, and have this crazy idea that I will no longer have ANY bad days, that I will no longer get angry. That life will be all sunshine and roses and I will have Unicorns in my backyard frolicking in happiness because I am sober. Still waiting on that parade to come down the street for me!
I'm actually happy to finally realize that sober life isn't perfect. Bad days come and go, anger happens and subsides, conflicts don't magically disappear because I'm not drinking.....that real life happens. I'm learning that in "real" life, you still feel it all, but you are actually present for it, which is pretty awesome.
As for the argument with my daughter a few days ago? Within minutes, I apologized for my outburst and explained what I was angry about. I told her I was sorry about the over-reaction, but the issue did deserve a conversation - she accepted and we discussed like "normal" people.
The crappy day yesterday is over, and I feel much better today. Drinking last night really wasn't a big thought so I wasn't worried about that actual moment. What I worried more about the AV chipping away at my resolve to stay sober, trying to chip away at my imaginary "sober wall" I had built around me.
I have reinforced my "wall" this morning and can't wait to begin day 16.
Have a great day and thanks again for being here!
This is where I've gone wrong before, and only this time quitting I'm recognizing it and totally aware, which is awesome!
Had a sorta bad day yesterday. Nothing happened, just in a crappy mood. A few days before, I got angry at my daughter and in a moment, reacted to her in a short, voice raised, biting tone. Over-reaction yes, but nothing major or hurtful. So really not that big a deal, but..........................
When these things happen.....or should I say, when "sober life" happens, the AV kicks in and it says very clearly "See, nothing has changed since you're sober. You're still a beotch, unable to control your emotions. And silly you, now you're having bad days for no reason at all! Atleast if you were drinking, you'd have a reason to be in a crappy mood. You are worthless....just have one".
When I've quit drinking, and have this crazy idea that I will no longer have ANY bad days, that I will no longer get angry. That life will be all sunshine and roses and I will have Unicorns in my backyard frolicking in happiness because I am sober. Still waiting on that parade to come down the street for me!
I'm actually happy to finally realize that sober life isn't perfect. Bad days come and go, anger happens and subsides, conflicts don't magically disappear because I'm not drinking.....that real life happens. I'm learning that in "real" life, you still feel it all, but you are actually present for it, which is pretty awesome.
As for the argument with my daughter a few days ago? Within minutes, I apologized for my outburst and explained what I was angry about. I told her I was sorry about the over-reaction, but the issue did deserve a conversation - she accepted and we discussed like "normal" people.
The crappy day yesterday is over, and I feel much better today. Drinking last night really wasn't a big thought so I wasn't worried about that actual moment. What I worried more about the AV chipping away at my resolve to stay sober, trying to chip away at my imaginary "sober wall" I had built around me.
I have reinforced my "wall" this morning and can't wait to begin day 16.
Have a great day and thanks again for being here!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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That is a great story InTheEnd. It really gives folks a concrete example of the mythology that us addicts create in our heads to justify using again. "I still suck so what the eff?" Total false construct. Thanks for sharing such a real world example. So much support can be so esoteric. I find fact so much more persuasive than idea. Thanks again.
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Glad to hear you managed to get through it InTheEnd.
And at least sober, you instantly realized the mistake you made, and dealt with it appropriately. No idea about you, but if that was me and I was drinking, I know I would have probably just sat there by myself, got drunk and angry, and didn't say anything to anyone. Definitely wouldn't have tried to resolve the situation, so kudos to that.
And at least sober, you instantly realized the mistake you made, and dealt with it appropriately. No idea about you, but if that was me and I was drinking, I know I would have probably just sat there by myself, got drunk and angry, and didn't say anything to anyone. Definitely wouldn't have tried to resolve the situation, so kudos to that.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
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Great post and you got it way sooner than I did.
I think it's funny now but when I was first sober, it took me a long time to get this. I was operating under the delusion that "if I just get through this one, then everything will be okay". "This one" being whatever problem or crisis I was dealing with at the time.
Haha, then one day the light bulb came on and I realized that it was never going to happen--there would always be problems in life, I was never going to reach some magical finish line where all my troubles would be over.
What has happened though is that while I still have problems, I am better able to handle them.
I think it's funny now but when I was first sober, it took me a long time to get this. I was operating under the delusion that "if I just get through this one, then everything will be okay". "This one" being whatever problem or crisis I was dealing with at the time.
Haha, then one day the light bulb came on and I realized that it was never going to happen--there would always be problems in life, I was never going to reach some magical finish line where all my troubles would be over.
What has happened though is that while I still have problems, I am better able to handle them.
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Yes Broncsys! "I still suck so what the eff?" is exactly how I think when sober life isn't perfect. Working on that daily!
Oh TroyW, if I had been drinking, the yelling would've gone on and on. Then the hurt feelings in silence for me and her thinking I'm a complete psycho.....then within a few hours or the next day, I'd feel awful my drunk behavior to a pretty normal and average situation. Not drinking kept me in the moment and the reality of the situation, which wasn't that big a deal. I was able to realize that being angry is okay, just have to learn how to handle it as a sober person. Baby steps, but getting there.
JoanneB - Yes! I've always waited for magical finish line in the past, but this time I'm going in sobriety with the realization that the only finish line I need to pass is the one my drunken life. My new sober life will have no finish line.....just the promise of better life for me and all who surround me.
Oh TroyW, if I had been drinking, the yelling would've gone on and on. Then the hurt feelings in silence for me and her thinking I'm a complete psycho.....then within a few hours or the next day, I'd feel awful my drunk behavior to a pretty normal and average situation. Not drinking kept me in the moment and the reality of the situation, which wasn't that big a deal. I was able to realize that being angry is okay, just have to learn how to handle it as a sober person. Baby steps, but getting there.
JoanneB - Yes! I've always waited for magical finish line in the past, but this time I'm going in sobriety with the realization that the only finish line I need to pass is the one my drunken life. My new sober life will have no finish line.....just the promise of better life for me and all who surround me.
Last edited by InTheEnd; 08-25-2015 at 06:45 AM. Reason: grammar
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Hi there
I could have written this post myself. Maybe there was something in the air yesterday because I had an off day too. The stock market made my head swim, I'm getting a cold, my daughter started high school and I think I was down about that, her room is always a pig sty and no matter what I do there's not hope. I was feeling sorry for myself and taking everything personally. I didn't even want to drink because I know exactly where that will go. Just one of those days. But today is better for me too. Been cleaning all morning now heading to the gym. How bad can it be? Thanks for posting my thoughts for me
I could have written this post myself. Maybe there was something in the air yesterday because I had an off day too. The stock market made my head swim, I'm getting a cold, my daughter started high school and I think I was down about that, her room is always a pig sty and no matter what I do there's not hope. I was feeling sorry for myself and taking everything personally. I didn't even want to drink because I know exactly where that will go. Just one of those days. But today is better for me too. Been cleaning all morning now heading to the gym. How bad can it be? Thanks for posting my thoughts for me
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Congrats on day 16 InTheEnd.
You are right, life is still life. You just get the benefit of going through it without erratic, uncomprehendable, senseless, irrational emotional outbursts due to alcohol.
One of the big reasons I quit was also because of the time I spent arguing and raising my voice towards my kids for absolutely no reason. Life is too short and they grow up so fast. Don't get me wrong, we still argue and battle, but about actual problems...not just because daddy was drunk!
So happy those days are behind me.
Congrats on 16!
You are right, life is still life. You just get the benefit of going through it without erratic, uncomprehendable, senseless, irrational emotional outbursts due to alcohol.
One of the big reasons I quit was also because of the time I spent arguing and raising my voice towards my kids for absolutely no reason. Life is too short and they grow up so fast. Don't get me wrong, we still argue and battle, but about actual problems...not just because daddy was drunk!
So happy those days are behind me.
Congrats on 16!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I just re-read my post. It amazes me how stuff that is just so normal makes me act so abnormal. I whine about things I have no control over and act like I'm the only one experiencing this. Stuff that normal people just know how to cope with, makes me all jumbled up. I have a lot of work to do!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Yep when I quit, I began to feel everything,
All my problems I've been suppressing for years surfaced causing too much problems. It's very tempting to start suppressing them again, but deep down I know I can only suppress this for so long and if I just give it time and get help I can overcome this.
All my problems I've been suppressing for years surfaced causing too much problems. It's very tempting to start suppressing them again, but deep down I know I can only suppress this for so long and if I just give it time and get help I can overcome this.
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Location: California
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Thanks for sharing! Sober life definitely isn't perfect. My husband and I have had one hell of a month. Three major life issues, and could have easily turned to alcohol, instead he started making up lyrics to a country song about all of our woes. We laughed so hard we cried, laughter truly is the best medicine.
I know we have some major issues in front of us, but we will get through it together, and drinking will only make things worse the next day!
I know we have some major issues in front of us, but we will get through it together, and drinking will only make things worse the next day!
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So true ya'll! When drinking, the irrational response to normal situations is one of the things what bothered me the most. I could make a simple thing seem like it was the end of the world and be so hurtful to the poor soul who was the closest to me at that moment.
I also found in that moment of anger at my daughter, I had "those" feelings (like I was not sober) almost immediately, even during the minute it was happening. The guilt, shame, being "less than", worthlessness, and just being an all around POS. It was instant! And they lingered for a few minutes, than the AV kicked in....I knew I had to rectify the situation right then and I went to speak to her and let nothing sit and fester. And only then did those awful feelings let up a bit.
It really did take me back to a few weeks ago mentally....all those awful feelings came flying up to the surface and I wasn't even drinking. I have to admit, it made me feel "dirty".
Hopefully with work, I'll be able to feel bad or angry feelings normally without equating it to the feelings of when I was drinking....if that makes any sense.
I also found in that moment of anger at my daughter, I had "those" feelings (like I was not sober) almost immediately, even during the minute it was happening. The guilt, shame, being "less than", worthlessness, and just being an all around POS. It was instant! And they lingered for a few minutes, than the AV kicked in....I knew I had to rectify the situation right then and I went to speak to her and let nothing sit and fester. And only then did those awful feelings let up a bit.
It really did take me back to a few weeks ago mentally....all those awful feelings came flying up to the surface and I wasn't even drinking. I have to admit, it made me feel "dirty".
Hopefully with work, I'll be able to feel bad or angry feelings normally without equating it to the feelings of when I was drinking....if that makes any sense.
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InTheEnd, I love this post. Especially realizing that there is no finish line. It's not a race, it's a journey. We can take time to smell the roses. It's not always going to be easy but we can do it.
My Dad has been in and out of the hospital this year as his health fails. I've thought about drinking. "Oh, no one would blame me, look at what I'm dealing with!" But really, what about what my dad's dealing with? He's not drinking over it. He's having substantial health problems but I want to drink over it? My time's better spent being with my Dad rather than drunkenly crying over it.
My Dad has been in and out of the hospital this year as his health fails. I've thought about drinking. "Oh, no one would blame me, look at what I'm dealing with!" But really, what about what my dad's dealing with? He's not drinking over it. He's having substantial health problems but I want to drink over it? My time's better spent being with my Dad rather than drunkenly crying over it.
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Sorry to hear Ruby2 but sending you a hug!
When my mother was sick, I spent an awful lot of time hiding from the world, drinking my wine and laying on the carpet, crying. Seemed like quite a reasonable thing to do at the time. She was fighting for her life, going through chemo and radiation to try to extend her life a few more months to make it through the holidays...........and I was ruining mine, but also in my screwed up mind, to try to make it through the holidays. It would've broken her heart had she known.
When my mother was sick, I spent an awful lot of time hiding from the world, drinking my wine and laying on the carpet, crying. Seemed like quite a reasonable thing to do at the time. She was fighting for her life, going through chemo and radiation to try to extend her life a few more months to make it through the holidays...........and I was ruining mine, but also in my screwed up mind, to try to make it through the holidays. It would've broken her heart had she known.
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