Soberwolf

I'm not sure how many times I've heard this word but I find it highly offensive I suffer with agoraphobia and I think there may be others too who find this word totally offensive

I keep hearing this word said in the context of you don't have to be a hermit

I guess you don't have to have mental illness either

Anna

SW, it could be that people don't mean for the term to be offensive.

In general, it's a good idea to get out and about when you are recovering. But, like everything else, it's not the same for everyone. For me, I like some social activity, but I need some alone time, too. I have a nephew with agoraphobia and I know how hard it can be to deal with. The bottom line is, we each do what we can to live the best life we can. You're doing great and you should do what works for you and what feels comfortable for you.

zjw

I wouldnt be surprised if i have some degree of this. The other day i realized i hadnt left the house in almost a week and thought I better at least go to the store for something just to get out amongst the living.

I'm content to be this way myself. If someone gets frustrated at me for not wanting to be more social or go out more etc.. It can be rather frustrating to me because I'm like hey how come you cant accept me for how i am? I've been this way for ions its how i'm wired whats wrong with it?

I run into issues mainly with my wife. she wants to go out and about and socialize with other people and go places etc... me ? its difficult on my phycy its very draining for me to go out like that etc.. I'm much happier to just sit at home. I dont see an issue with it. But i try and come out of my shell now and then for her sake. She'll say things like i'm glad you came along etc.. and its like I'm just showing up for your sake dear not mine I'll still have 0 interest and be stressed about the whole thing but i'll put on a good front etc..

chicory

(((soberwolf)))
I recently did some watching of videos on narcissism abuse victims. It was very enlightening to learn about something which is mentioned a lot, but perhaps not much understood. It helps to be able to relate to someone who has suffered from that sort of abuse, in responding to their thoughts and posts.

I think that many have no idea of what agoraphobia is , or how it affects people. Enlightenment brings understanding, and compassion and change.

I do find that talking about these things is the key to changing attitudes.

You are doing great Soberwolf. don't worry about what others think, is what I would like to say, but I can't say that I don't worry about what others think. I am working on it though.

Aellyce

Sorry to hear that, SW.

"Hermit" (and other words with similar meaning) have been used to describe me, too. I even used it myself at times to talk about my tendency for isolation when in a bad place mentally, or just need a lot of alone time. For me it's not coming from agoraphobia or social anxiety much, more from my desire to immerse myself into my inner world, fantasies and solo investigations -- undisturbed. But when exaggerated, it definitely turns against myself, making me self-absorbed and out of touch with external reality. The outward result, the manifestation, is probably similar and only people who know me quite well don't tend to misunderstand it ("humans are social creatures, aren't we").

Of course it feels offensive, especially for those of us who are already prone to self-criticisms to start with. My approach is usually to just acknowledge the expression and feedback from the other person and then think if there is anything I can learn from it in the context of the particular situation and relationship where it's expressed. I also find it often meaningful to ask the person back: "that's an interesting comment... why are you saying that?". Often what they respond will reveal interesting aspects of the other person's thinking and how they relate to me, rather than about myself per se, or both (for example, the origin of the misperceptions I mentioned above). If I don't want to get into a discussion and expose myself to interpretation (which may or may not be correct), I will just say "I am comfortable being by myself" and change subject. I don't think we need to always expose ourselves to intrusion and to everyone's opinions when there is no benefit from it or/and it's inappropriate to the situation. Furthermore, if you are feeling upset, it's really not a bad idea to express it to the other person rather than suppressing the emotion and letting it turn against ourselves into additional self-criticism.

ItWillBeWorthIt

I would definitely know the difference between the two terms, but many people may not. People make general comments thinking it is not offensive, rather they want you to get out and about thinking you need to.

I don't go out too much, because I really enjoy family and alone time and I work from home. People would think I am rather a hermit.

Delfin

I get you soberwolf. I'm visually impaired and get lots of ridiculous comments. There are a lot of people talking out of their ass*es out there. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they're not intentionally trying to irrigate the hell out of me! :-D I often get this one, when I tell people that my lenses are bothering me or when people see my irritated eyes: "Why don't you wear glasses? Are you too vain?"
Oh yes, I'm so vain that I'd rather be blind than wear glasses. (Only special, custom-made lenses correct my vision, though not perfect. Without the lenses I have no functioning vision. I only see clouds. ) Why would anyone assume this???

Anyhow, I've learned to be irritated for about five minutes, then I move on. Life's too short to give annoying comments too much attention.

Delfin

vanaprastha

I don't find it offensive; I embrace it. In a world where people feel they need to be connected 24/7 (check facebook every five minutes, go everywhere with their cell phone and answer it as soon as it rings) I think more people need to learn how to be alone. I don't have a cell phone and I don't answer my land line. People know that if they want to contact me they can leave a message or send me email. I am on a couple of internet forums, but only when I want to be there.

It has taken me a while to become comfortable with this part of my personality -- I have always preferred being alone to being in a group of people, but until a few years ago I accepted other people's judgement that this was somehow "weird" or "not OK." Now, I accept it and enjoy my time alone and mindful while others are rushing around mindlessly.

I am an an urban hermit, and I have absolutely no problem with that.

Soberwolf

Thanks guys for all your input & for taking the time to answer

In this together

alphaomega

Fellow agorophobe here friend.

Was absolutely significantly worse while drinking. Still rears it's ugly head periodically. That when I go into Extreme Self Care mode and just love myself through the time it takes to start to pass.

Wishing you relief.

sleepie

Hi soberwolf I hope you're well today.
Yeah sometimes people say some ignorant things... doesn't encourage one to leave the house! I too have a couple of well, quirks? And the things people have said... sometimes you would think the worst of humanity.
But then there are the rare who understand that well, everyone just isn't all alike.
Well, I can relate a bit... I don't even want to leave bed today!
Delfin I agree... the visually impaired community is judged and discriminated against in so many ways and I'll never understand why. Had a close friend with visual impairment and the dumb things people would say... I think it's based in people being uncomfortable with anyone who isn't, heaven forbid, just like them.
Sometimes people are just plain dumb don't let it get to you guys.
We here at SR love you for who you are.

SereneEdition

Offering a different interpretation. The word 'hermit' isn't pejorative for me. I associate it with saints.

And good to now know that it is a word that has sensitivities.

Soberwolf

Thanks guys I have a therapist and I'm reading lots to help me with that

I've even been out on 2 massive walks today I'm addressing my agoraphobia I've mentioned it before and some days are better than others

There can be misconceptions as I've just said I've been on 2 massive walks so to ppl who have no knowledge of agoraphobia it looks as if I'm fine and well

I'm not if I go out its forced the easiest way to explain it is like if your scared of heights and your suddenly placed on a sky high beam you know all the feelings you get palpitations light headedness dizziness racing heart etc it's kinda like that

Except on some days it can be so bad that il stay in for over a week and then on a rare blue moon il feel meh ok ish

For the last 3 days I've been upping my game in part to the books I've been reading and talking to my therapist who is now dealing with me by phone because of my agoraphobia

I'm currently taking 2 venlafaxine a day one first thing and one before I go bed I'm seeing a Dr in a month to review this as we have discussed at my Dr apt last fri

I said I'm not happy on meds the Dr said give it one month and see if you feel the same

I'm trying here I really am trying to get my agoraphobia eradicated but lately it's been getting tougher

I don't think the term Hermit was said in a malicious way by anyone but for me its a really offensive term that I think should have more awareness this isn't to single anyone out

It's like when ppl use the word crazy to describe mental illness I don't think it's said maliciously but its not nice to hear that I know for me it isn't

I brought it to the forum so I didn't make it personal and thank everyone for reading

Mental health needs a lot more awareness imo

Soberwolf

I've heard it about saints too

courage2

Hi SW -- I think most of the labels that can readily be applied to me suck -- except when I'm in a really good mood -- then they roll right off my back

I have a lot of admiration for a person who leads a reclusive life, for whatever reason. Many of my favorite people have lived that way. It's out of fashion, but there used to be more recognition that people who shun public society make meaningful contributions to their cultures.

ccam1973

Thanks SW for the insight. I for one had never thought of the word to be offensive. I definitely understand now how you and others might feel and will think twice going forward.

Thanks for bringing this to light and I wish you the best in your battle with agoraphobia.

Aellyce

Me too Not as much these days though as when I was younger, even pre-drinking. Most of the people I have personally identified with are reclusive thinkers, artists, scientists and the sort -- often misunderstood at their time. Whether it's agoraphobia causing it or an eccentric motivation to live the life of a loner, I think we should not view it as a pathology unless it interferes with the life of the person in a way that is negative or disturbing for the person. Many people who have had outstanding contributions to society in their own way have lived a rather reclusive life; of course it usually provokes some attention and curiosity. I personally got very used to being introverted and my own person in my childhood. I am trying to live differently now, but it's nothing that conflicts with my nature, more a lifestyle where I make myself more available to a select few people that are close to me and I try to behave in ways that are compatible with the expectations in my profession (quite a lot of team work), but will never become a social butterfly. I could also never do work where I would have to deal with people all day everyday. I have a partner now who is quite significantly more extroverted and a social creature than myself but has a sophisticated and evolved understanding of people's individual needs -- I think this makes for an interesting and mutually beneficial combination. But he does not expect my attention and doing things because he wants them all the time, has a variety of social life resources, hobbies and interests.

I don't believe we need to provide explanations to others all the time why we do or don't do certain things, why we need alone time, and why we feel uncomfortable in certain situations. Let alone trying to mask who we are and pretend who we are not. It sounds to me, SW, that you are truly doing what you need, seeking the help you need -- please don't beat up yourself for the rest of it

Soberwolf

Thanks guys

Dee74

Well, I better put my hand up
I've used the term a lot, as in 'you don't need to be a hermit when you quit'.

I've never once associated the word with agrophobia, and I certainly meant no offense SW to you or anyone else.

Sorry for any upset and I'll try and find another term

D

Soberwolf

I've heard you use it before but I can swear I know you would never use it maliciously BUT IT WASNT YOU D I need to make that clear Itoday I heard another mod saying it and I thought the term is catching on soon itl be a given thing and that's all I was trying to bring awareness to

D this isn't about you of the other person its the term and I highly doubt its just you D I've always known your heart is kind

But yeah today was about stemming the flow of the term it wasnt you D