Addicted to codependency?!
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Addicted to codependency?!
Hi, I'm new here, I'm not an alcoholic but my partner is and from all the reading I've done, it would seem like I am codependent, and actually enabling the alcoholism. I tried to do things to stop being codependent but I keep getting sucked back into it, is it normal for the enabler to also behave like an addict?! The making promises and breaking them, the feelings of shame and regret, the mood swings and complete inconsistency in everything... And how to break these patterns of behaviour??
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Ny- You posted on the Alcoholism forum. You might want to re post on the friends and family threads.
Yes, we become as sick as the alcoholic. Alcohol is their addiction, the addict is ours. We become consumed with the addict. We watch over, protect, control, manipulate and do many crazy things. We become very unhealthy, almost crazy like.
The way you break the patterns and behavior is by educating yourself about the disease. You learn your about your "part" in the play. You take a look at what you need to do by detaching and stop enabling the addict in your life. Good for you for realizing your life is out of control and reaching out for help.
Welcome to the forum!!
Yes, we become as sick as the alcoholic. Alcohol is their addiction, the addict is ours. We become consumed with the addict. We watch over, protect, control, manipulate and do many crazy things. We become very unhealthy, almost crazy like.
The way you break the patterns and behavior is by educating yourself about the disease. You learn your about your "part" in the play. You take a look at what you need to do by detaching and stop enabling the addict in your life. Good for you for realizing your life is out of control and reaching out for help.
Welcome to the forum!!
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Thank you! I will repost in the right place.
My difficulty is, I have been educating myself about the disease that we both have and the part I play, but can't seem to make any lasting change in myself. I can do a day or 2 or even longer of being detached, kind and calm but not interested in the drinking or trying to control it, and then bam straight back to my old behaviour, often even worse than before. How to make it stick?!
My difficulty is, I have been educating myself about the disease that we both have and the part I play, but can't seem to make any lasting change in myself. I can do a day or 2 or even longer of being detached, kind and calm but not interested in the drinking or trying to control it, and then bam straight back to my old behaviour, often even worse than before. How to make it stick?!
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Nyinabo - is there a payoff that you are getting as a result of allowing your significant other to continue to drink? That's what happened in my situation. He would give in to me after a few days because I would pout and withdraw from him. He would be kind, firm but gentle with the "no alcohol," but after a few days, he couldn't stand the cold shoulder. So he enabled because that's how he got love from me.
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Ny, Do you see the similarities? An alcoholic can stop for a short time, but then relapses and drinks. Same for us alanon's, Unless you work at it, nothing changes. Its very hard, if it was easy there would be no reason for this amazing forum!!
I went to 2 open aa meetings, 2 alanon meetings and SR in the evenings, each week for about 10 months straight. I was pretty sick!!!! I was with my A for 34 years, and was very entangled with him. Talk about being destructive to me and him. You can't expect to make permanent changes in a few days. They say a big strong oak tree doesn't grow in a day. Hit some meetings, read in all the forums, Alcoholism, new to recovery and friends and family. You get an awesome perspective from everyone here. Cut yourself some slack and just sit back and read what people say. Something will click, every day.
I have about a dozen pages of stuff that I have cut and kept over the last year. I read and repost if someone is in need. These people are so knowledgeable about addiction. If you stick around you will "change"!! Hugs my friend!!
I went to 2 open aa meetings, 2 alanon meetings and SR in the evenings, each week for about 10 months straight. I was pretty sick!!!! I was with my A for 34 years, and was very entangled with him. Talk about being destructive to me and him. You can't expect to make permanent changes in a few days. They say a big strong oak tree doesn't grow in a day. Hit some meetings, read in all the forums, Alcoholism, new to recovery and friends and family. You get an awesome perspective from everyone here. Cut yourself some slack and just sit back and read what people say. Something will click, every day.
I have about a dozen pages of stuff that I have cut and kept over the last year. I read and repost if someone is in need. These people are so knowledgeable about addiction. If you stick around you will "change"!! Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Welcome.
One thing that helps me when I start feeling really codie is to try to focus on doing positive things for myself.
Actually, that is why I'm on SR tonight. While I have made so many strides in recovering from my codependent tendencies, sometimes they are still really strong. And while I am no longer with and addict/alcoholic, I still notice lingering thought patterns in myself. I can get into focusing on thoughts about other people and obsess about what they are or are not doing, saying or feeling.
So while I don't come on SR very often anymore, I am here tonight to focus a little on ME.
Taking time to do things for myself like yoga or taking walks helps too.
One thing that helps me when I start feeling really codie is to try to focus on doing positive things for myself.
Actually, that is why I'm on SR tonight. While I have made so many strides in recovering from my codependent tendencies, sometimes they are still really strong. And while I am no longer with and addict/alcoholic, I still notice lingering thought patterns in myself. I can get into focusing on thoughts about other people and obsess about what they are or are not doing, saying or feeling.
So while I don't come on SR very often anymore, I am here tonight to focus a little on ME.
Taking time to do things for myself like yoga or taking walks helps too.
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Originally Posted by myjourney111713 
Nyinabo - is there a payoff that you are getting as a result of allowing your significant other to continue to drink? That's what happened in my situation. He would give in to me after a few days because I would pout and withdraw from him. He would be kind, firm but gentle with the "no alcohol," but after a few days, he couldn't stand the cold shoulder. So he enabled because that's how he got love from me.
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Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi 
You're perfectly welcome to post here Nyanmbo
I think those kind of co-dependent dynamics do share a lot of features with addiction, for sure.
Have you read any Melody Beattie?
D
You're perfectly welcome to post here Nyanmbo
I think those kind of co-dependent dynamics do share a lot of features with addiction, for sure.
Have you read any Melody Beattie?
D
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Her book Co Dependent No More is kinda the benchmark
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7...endent_No_More
D
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7...endent_No_More
D
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I went from being an enabler who couldn't understand his relationship with a drink to having a problem with alcohol all of my very own. I think your situation is more like my enabling of his weed habit though. He could be so cold and cruel when he ran out I would always cave in. It was so much easier to have him calm and happy.Of course mine was a pretty extreme situation and if I didn't cave to the weed he was more likely to drink and things could get pretty bad if he was drunk and in a mood with me. Even worse if I was drunk too.
While the only solution to that particular relationship was to be out of it I think if other aspects had been stronger we could have worked together to recognize and change those patterns though. Certainly acknowledging it is an unhealthy situation is a great start as is seeking advice here. I hope you can break this pattern and find a more peaceful fulfilling life together.
While the only solution to that particular relationship was to be out of it I think if other aspects had been stronger we could have worked together to recognize and change those patterns though. Certainly acknowledging it is an unhealthy situation is a great start as is seeking advice here. I hope you can break this pattern and find a more peaceful fulfilling life together.
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo
Hi, I'm new here, I'm not an alcoholic but my partner is and from all the reading I've done, it would seem like I am codependent, and actually enabling the alcoholism. I tried to do things to stop being codependent but I keep getting sucked back into it, is it normal for the enabler to also behave like an addict?! The making promises and breaking them, the feelings of shame and regret, the mood swings and complete inconsistency in everything... And how to break these patterns of behaviour??
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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While the only solution to that particular relationship was to be out of it I think if other aspects had been stronger we could have worked together to recognize and change those patterns though. Certainly acknowledging it is an unhealthy situation is a great start as is seeking advice here. I hope you can break this pattern and find a more peaceful fulfilling life together.[/QUOTE]
Can I ask what aspects needed to be stronger for you to make it work? And how you think you might have changed patterns?
I feel really stuck on what to do. There is no way that this is the end of our marriage, there is still a lot of love left and sometimes even a little respect! Our kids are 1 and 3 and adore their dad and he is a wonderful dad when he is with them and does not get drunk around them. However I know and have already seen with him that this is a progressive disease which won't go away on its own. So do I wait for him to realise he needs to stop, meanwhile running the risk of my kids being exposed to an unhealthy relationship? I know how big this risk is as I am the product of an extremely unhealthy relationship. Or do I need to accept that there is only one path that this will take and cut my losses early?
Can I ask what aspects needed to be stronger for you to make it work? And how you think you might have changed patterns?
I feel really stuck on what to do. There is no way that this is the end of our marriage, there is still a lot of love left and sometimes even a little respect! Our kids are 1 and 3 and adore their dad and he is a wonderful dad when he is with them and does not get drunk around them. However I know and have already seen with him that this is a progressive disease which won't go away on its own. So do I wait for him to realise he needs to stop, meanwhile running the risk of my kids being exposed to an unhealthy relationship? I know how big this risk is as I am the product of an extremely unhealthy relationship. Or do I need to accept that there is only one path that this will take and cut my losses early?
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Hi. Where are you based? Are there any CODA meetings that you could attend? A lady I know says they've really helped her. CoDA UK - Welcome
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo
While the only solution to that particular relationship was to be out of it I think if other aspects had been stronger we could have worked together to recognize and change those patterns though. Certainly acknowledging it is an unhealthy situation is a great start as is seeking advice here. I hope you can break this pattern and find a more peaceful fulfilling life together.
[/QUOTE]
The aspects that needed to be stronger you already have. I guess I should be clear there are some huge differences between out situations. I was in an abusive relationship. Hence my comment about if it had been healthier otherwise.
I think changing those patterns of behavior requires both of you to be aware of them. Have you considered any form of counselling for you both? Perhaps to help identify when problem patterns arise and how to counter them?
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Originally Posted by DitzyDandelion
Can I ask what aspects needed to be stronger for you to make it work? And how you think you might have changed patterns?
I think changing those patterns of behavior requires both of you to be aware of them. Have you considered any form of counselling for you both? Perhaps to help identify when problem patterns arise and how to counter them?[/QUOTE]
I have suggested counselling for us but he won't go. I think even if I got him there he wouldn't talk. He's an extremely private person and doesn't even believe in the idea of being counselled.
It's a tough one as he doesn't really behave badly, today for example he has cooked dinner for us after a long day of work, took the kids to the park while I worked, put them to bed. Then 9pm he starts drinking so I go upstairs for a lonely evening. He wanted to drive to the shop for more and I said I wouldn't let him drink drive. He protested but didn't take the car. He's just come in to say goodnight and gone back down to continue drinking til he passes out in front of the TV. I bit my tongue and remained calm and said good night as if nothing was happening. Progress for me!
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