Jillian2563

Well I'm here in the parking lot and this place is packed. So nervous...

ZetaP38

It's a classroom. Or you're scoping out a new path in life and are on a fact-finding mission.

I was going to write again to make something clear from what I said before. I did have a desire not to drink (or a desire to stop the cycle), but that desire just wasn't at 51% yet.

My fear of letting go of alcohol was still greater than my desire not to drink.

Some of the fear was reduced by 'association' (fear of AA being a cult and ending up in a worse place, etc.) One day (not long after), I realized that my desire to get sober was greater than my fear of letting go of alcohol.

Might have gotten up to 55% or so - but it grew in early sobriety, day by day. Today, in this moment, it's 100% and holding.

Pay attention. Identify, don't compare. Try to put "the judge" in the back of the bus....

Encouraging smiles to ya,

PJ

Elphaba

Very inspiring! There's a beginners meeting in my home town tomorrow night, I'm going to force myself to go.

Jillian2563

So it wasn't that bad. I managed to introduce myself and got my white chip. Still not sure how all this works but I'm willing to keep going. Another newcomer advised me to get a sponsor because she didn't in her first 90 days and then relapsed.

Another member introduced herself to me and gave me her number.

Topic was on resentment. I will be reflecting on that tonight and do more research on the program.

Thanks everyone for your support and help. I'm sober today.

Dee74

Welcome back Jillian and Elphaba

Good luck with the meeting Jillian

Elphaba - normal drinkers don't end the day with 5 cop cars at the door.

If you don't want to be labelled that's ok - don't use the labels - but you have a problem with alcohol that sounds like it needs urgent addressing.

do something, ok?

D

thomas11

Hi Jillian, I've enjoyed reading this thread, lots of good stuff as Dee would say. You sound very enthusiastic about tackling sobriety. I can't offer much but my support. The only comment I have is that sobriety is a marathon and not a sprint. I see some folks get pretty amped up about getting sober (maybe too amped up) and when the "fun" wears off, they eventually end up drinking again. Take it at your own pace and try to be consistent.
I must admit, I did kind of laugh when I read you fell into the clothes hamper. ahhh, what drinking does.

Jillian2563

Haha, thanks. I've enjoyed reading your recent posts as well but haven't commented.

You are correct about being too "amped up" and it fading. That's happened to me before. So I may not be as excited as I was the first time, but I'm taking it slow and really trying and sticking to a plan.

ZetaP38

Well done on not staying in the parking lot until was 'too late' - and for being 'open to the process'.

All the best,

PJ

CaseyW

Very proud of you for sticking to your plan and going into the meeting. One thing I do usually warn people going to their first AA meeting is that every AA meeting is different--even meetings in the same place but at different times can have very different vibes. Sounds like tonight's meeting was OK for you but if you ever find one you don't click with, give it another try and if you still don't click, try a different one.

Like I said, very proud of you for this big step forward in your recovery. Keep doing tomorrow what you did today and things will keep getting better and better.

Jillian2563

Thanks Casey! So obviously since I'm giving the 90 in 90 a shot, I will have to try different meetings...I'm going tonight at 8. It's just a little nerve racking knowing that I conjured up the nerve to go to the women's meeting last night and going to a totally new one tonight, tomorrow night and so forth. I'm thinking about texting one of the women sponsors I meet last night just to get more info and get more comfortable.

CaseyW

You absolutely should text or call that woman. Just like active participation on these forums, being active in your recovery thru AA versus just sitting there passively will make all the difference.

Hope you'll let us know how meeting #2 goes.

Cauliflower

Jillian, I wish you well on your journey! Congratulations.

Jillian2563

Today's meeting went well. I Re-met a woman from last night and talked a little (she's a fellow newcomer) and talked with a woman with who I believe is a sponsor - she asked another gentleman if he had some books I could borrow until I could buy them and he gave her a $20. She then bought me the books I needed. She encouraged me that the beginners meeting I attended tonight is definitely one I should keep coming back too. And it was a good meeting - I think I liked it better than last night. She also suggested 90 in 90.

Went I left, she asked me to text her and I said thanks to the gentleman. He told me all he wants me to do is return the favor if a newcomer ever needs it. I introduced myself to the other two standing there. They were all very encouraging and told me it works if you work it and and keep coming back.

Jillian2563

So I don't think I'm going to do 90 in 90. But I am planning on going Monday's, Tuesday's and possibly Friday and Saturday. My son has scouts Thursday and church from 11-2 on Sunday's. Also husband is, well I don't know how to put it, being weird/jealous(?) about it and getting an attitude. Like last night since I stayed a little longer to get my books, he asked me when I got home, "it took you 25 minutes to get home?". I just really don't want to have to deal with that.

And to add insult to injury, he questioned me about me talking to a fellow SR member on FB messenger. This other member happens to live in the same town as us (surprising huh) and have connected on FB. I also added his wife to my friends list. But over the weekend my family was at the lake, and I messaged him to let him know just in case they (his family) wanted to get together to meet and let the kids play. He ended up not getting my message until yesterday and we chatted a little bit about my new plan and that he was back on the wagon as well. Totally innocent, just supporting each other. But my hubby didn't believe me.

Well, scratch that I guess. As I just typed all that out, he called and told me he wasn't mad at me; that he would just like to all meet together if we ever do decide to meet. He encouraged me not to drink.

Oh the joys of life and dealing with all this while sober.

Anyway, I'm about to text the lady I mention that said would be my sponsor. I accidentally left my phone at home today (that's how hubby went thru my msgs) and haven't contacted her yet. I did manage to read the first three steps today on my free time. Need to know how to "work" them.

CaseyW

Glad your husband made himself more clear. Definitely not out of line for him to expect to be there if you and the kids do meet up with this person from SR. Especially if they are a member of the opposite sex.

Just make as many meetings as you can--don't stress out about the 90 in 90. I know that the way my addiction works is that when I set goals like that, if I end up missing a meeting one day then my addiction starts sweet talking me, "Well, since you've only made meetings 4 out of 5 days instead of 90 in 90, you might as well take a drink or two today and start over again tomorrow. Or maybe on Monday. Monday definitely is a good day to start sobering up. Or, hmm, maybe the start of next month. That'd be cool to have the first day of the month as your sobriety date." So for today I have one definite must accomplish goal--don't drink. I set up other daily goals but they're not set in stone and if I don't reach them, it's not the end of the world. But no matter what, I don't drink. Today.

You're doing great, Jillian. Thanks for the update!

FrankLapidas

Sounds like you are working it hard. Good for you Jillian!

Jillian2563

Thanks Casey, because that's exact how I am. When I decided to go back to college, I missed a day then would beat myself up. Then I'd think "well what's another missed day". Then ended up missing so many that id drop out of the class. So I'm glad you reminded that of me. And thank you for the kind words!

Jillian2563

Thanks frank. I'm trying! Lol

ZetaP38

Hi, Jillian ~

There was once an old-timer who signed his posts, "Remember to share your toys.....*all* of them!" Always made me smile.

So, I'm sharing a 'toy/tool' I found later in sobriety when I decided to redo the Steps, more 'awake' than the first time, just to see what gems might shake out from a different angle.

A.A. Way of Life - Working Step 1"


These Steps are also on 'tape' under BB Workshop by Bill and Mike:

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

(The number of each tape follows the really tiny print: "cd1", etc.)


The view from here is that you did quite well in "adjusting the sails without changing course".

90-in-90 is a suggestion. And it can be augmented by recovery-related material (of all sorts) being utilized to get a stronger toe-hold on sobriety (just like you did). If your motives are sound, you'll keep progressing. One can't start being aware of *real* underlying motives for actions too early in recovery.

"BB p. 86: Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives."

Getting tools in the toolkit takes time - and no tool has merit until it is tested and found worthy of opening a sane path out of emotional insanity/spiral thinking (reacting rather than responding).

Congrats on navigating a potential stumbling block - and kudos to your husband for regrouping.

PJ

Jillian2563

Thanks pj! I'll check it out. 😊