Not sure what to do...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: London
Posts: 8
Not sure what to do...
Hi All,
This is a new concept for me so please bear with me...a little background first:
Been with my husband for 2 years, married for 1 - kind of a whirlwind, but when it's right, it's right; I love this man with everything that I am. When I met him, I knew he drank and smoked but it wasn't much; a few cans and 3 or 4 joints a day. When he proposed, things changed almost overnight; as he had steady work, he spent more and more on it, but I've only ever seen him drunk once - Doctor said he's a professional drinker.
Anyway, we got married and went on honeymoon...and when we got back, things got worse. Let me be clear, he has never hit me, never stolen from me nor has he hidden it from me...but he suffers from depression, anxiety and some kind of personality disorder. So when he didn't get any, he was unbearable...to the point I began giving him the money for it. By this time I had started smoking too, no where near as much as him but I started nonetheless. I went to my mother's twice, always came back, then it got too much - I never knew which mood I was going to get, saying the wrong thing would set him off and he'd be yelling for hours, saying very not nice things which I couldn't forget.
I told him that he either went to rehab or we were finished for good - and he went. 3 months in a residential facility, he looked fantastic and I was so looking forward to him coming home and starting again. Two days after he got back we went to Morocco for our first wedding anniversary...the first day (our actual anniversary) he threw a strop and we spent the day arguing. Next two days were fabulous, just like the old days, then the night before we left he threw another strop and we barely spoke until we got back home.
It's been 3 weeks since he got out of rehab, and the past week he's been drinking and smoking and yes, I did a little too. Stupid I know but it's got to the point where my nerves aren't settled without something, so when he wants it it's that much easier to join him.
We had a talk three nights ago, where I basically told him that the past 3 months were for nothing, which was my fear the entire time, and he has to do better. He said he'd knock it on the head and he did...until yesterday evening, when I watched him scrape dust out of a grinder like some junkie and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
I asked him if we would ever be free of this, if there is any chance that one day we'll be genuinely happy like we used to...he broke down and said that's what he wants, he feels ashamed that he went to rehab and is doing exactly the same things he was doing before, and until his therapy starts he'll never know what it is he's trying to mask. Which is fair enough, except where does that leave me? I can't keep doing this forever...it cost me one of my jobs, and I'm waiting to find out if it cost my place at university too because he sent me into several depressive episodes over the past year...before that I hadn't had an episode in 10 years.
So then last night I was searching the internet as you do and came across this site. True eye-opener, all the things I said and did were wrong even though I thought I was helping lol...except now I really don't know what to do. Last night I was ready to pack my stuff, and now I just can't leave just like that...he went to rehab for me/him/us, he's trying which is something (he didn't have a drink yesterday) and he texted me from work this morning that he meant what he said and he's going to change...yet I read posts on here and think it's nothing y'all haven't heard before. Ugh, I just don't know what to do...I don't want to leave but I feel as though I shouldn't stay.
Please help, and congrats if you made it this far!
MMM x
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
MMM,
You said you and he were arguing after he got out of rehab even when he was sober. The process of getting sober produces irritability in the early weeks, so If he is constantly relapsing, he will be difficult when he is sober. It sounds like the stress of the relationship isn't doing either of you any good. You will know in your heart when you have had enough.
He needs a plan beyond " I will do better."
You said you and he were arguing after he got out of rehab even when he was sober. The process of getting sober produces irritability in the early weeks, so If he is constantly relapsing, he will be difficult when he is sober. It sounds like the stress of the relationship isn't doing either of you any good. You will know in your heart when you have had enough.
He needs a plan beyond " I will do better."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hello, and welcome.
Try not to look at what you did as wrong.
You did it because you cared and you love him and you don't know what to do.
Coming here, learning, reaching out for help was definitely a good step.
Continue to get the support YOU need.
Here is my opinion as a sober man who has become free of alcohol and drugs - this is advice, but know that it is based on MY experience and may not all resonate or be true for you...
Come to acceptance as soon as possible with this:
YOU CANNOT save him. You cannot free him from addiction. You cannot make him be honest, get help, embrace sobriety, dig deep, change.... None of these are within your control.
Only he can do those things, and he will do so only on his time, when he really wants to.
Know that. Accept it. Do not enable him for fear of losing him. In fact- for both your sake, be willing to lose him.
Because if that's what it takes to protect yourself, that may need to happen. And it may be one of the things that he needs in order to come to readiness.
Get that idea firmly embraced sooner than later and make it clear to him that's where you stand.
Stick around, you've found a good place.
Try not to look at what you did as wrong.
You did it because you cared and you love him and you don't know what to do.
Coming here, learning, reaching out for help was definitely a good step.
Continue to get the support YOU need.
Here is my opinion as a sober man who has become free of alcohol and drugs - this is advice, but know that it is based on MY experience and may not all resonate or be true for you...
Come to acceptance as soon as possible with this:
YOU CANNOT save him. You cannot free him from addiction. You cannot make him be honest, get help, embrace sobriety, dig deep, change.... None of these are within your control.
Only he can do those things, and he will do so only on his time, when he really wants to.
Know that. Accept it. Do not enable him for fear of losing him. In fact- for both your sake, be willing to lose him.
Because if that's what it takes to protect yourself, that may need to happen. And it may be one of the things that he needs in order to come to readiness.
Get that idea firmly embraced sooner than later and make it clear to him that's where you stand.
Stick around, you've found a good place.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome.
What FreeOwl says is very important.
We who suffer the pains the addict suffers must try to let go as the addict must recover for themselves.
In my experience Friends and Families forum on this site can offer you much good advice, some of which you probably won’t like.
Along the same idea is Al Anon meetingS in your area for face to face contact which is so valuable.
BE WELL
What FreeOwl says is very important.
We who suffer the pains the addict suffers must try to let go as the addict must recover for themselves.
In my experience Friends and Families forum on this site can offer you much good advice, some of which you probably won’t like.
Along the same idea is Al Anon meetingS in your area for face to face contact which is so valuable.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello MsMynx,
Have you both read the book, Alcoholics Anonymous? Then 12 Steps and 12 Traditions? Saved my Life ... and my marriage ... I drank for 40 years, and it was a STRUGGLE to get FREE.
There is a story ... a drunk was on a scrap of debris from a sunken fishing boat at sea ... 2 guys named Bill and Bob came from out of the distance in a little rowboat, towing a small rowboat and offered it to the drunk ... about that same time a large Oceanliner came upon them, the SS Recovery, and the drunk went for the nice shiny Oceanliner. 3 months later the Oceanliner dropped him off at shore and after a few weeks the rehabbed drunk jumped on another fishing boat, fishing and drinking. Well, that boat went down also, and the not-so-rehabbed drunk was back in the drink, clinging to a scrap of debris, again. Then out of the distance, along came those same 2 guys in the rowboat, towing a small rowboat. This time the desparate drunk took the small rowboat and started rowing for his life. He now continues rowing day-by-day, and he is Happy, Joyous and FREE.
I got this story from doing a Web Search for Recovery Speaker Messages, you might try it.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... it took doing the WORK of the 12 Steps ... after I continued drinking, after rehab ... rehab was an important part of me getting FREE, but it is now being maintained by rowing that boat day-by day.
Have you both read the book, Alcoholics Anonymous? Then 12 Steps and 12 Traditions? Saved my Life ... and my marriage ... I drank for 40 years, and it was a STRUGGLE to get FREE.
There is a story ... a drunk was on a scrap of debris from a sunken fishing boat at sea ... 2 guys named Bill and Bob came from out of the distance in a little rowboat, towing a small rowboat and offered it to the drunk ... about that same time a large Oceanliner came upon them, the SS Recovery, and the drunk went for the nice shiny Oceanliner. 3 months later the Oceanliner dropped him off at shore and after a few weeks the rehabbed drunk jumped on another fishing boat, fishing and drinking. Well, that boat went down also, and the not-so-rehabbed drunk was back in the drink, clinging to a scrap of debris, again. Then out of the distance, along came those same 2 guys in the rowboat, towing a small rowboat. This time the desparate drunk took the small rowboat and started rowing for his life. He now continues rowing day-by-day, and he is Happy, Joyous and FREE.
I got this story from doing a Web Search for Recovery Speaker Messages, you might try it.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... it took doing the WORK of the 12 Steps ... after I continued drinking, after rehab ... rehab was an important part of me getting FREE, but it is now being maintained by rowing that boat day-by day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: London
Posts: 8
Thank you all for your welcome and your kind words. I must be honest, I'm just a little numb today, truly hope it's not another episode but I don't think it is...I think it's the realisation that this is probably going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Again.
I honestly don't think I'm ready to leave him yet, not when there's still hope...and it's the hope that's debilitating, isn't it? It allows you to justify holding on when your head is telling you to run for the hills...cause let's face it, if you're at this point then you already know that love isn't enough don't you.
I'm going to go and lie down for a while, then I promise I'll come back and explore the site a bit more...have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time here in the near future!
Thanks again, love and virtual hugs xxx
I honestly don't think I'm ready to leave him yet, not when there's still hope...and it's the hope that's debilitating, isn't it? It allows you to justify holding on when your head is telling you to run for the hills...cause let's face it, if you're at this point then you already know that love isn't enough don't you.
I'm going to go and lie down for a while, then I promise I'll come back and explore the site a bit more...have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time here in the near future!
Thanks again, love and virtual hugs xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
You don't have to leave him....
But you'd be best-advised to leave your expectations and leave your efforts to 'save' him and get very clear and honest with yourSELF about why you're staying, what your boundaries are and how you will stay healthy while you choose to rain with him.
But you'd be best-advised to leave your expectations and leave your efforts to 'save' him and get very clear and honest with yourSELF about why you're staying, what your boundaries are and how you will stay healthy while you choose to rain with him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum MMM!! 
The only person who can change their ways is the individual, so stop beating yourself up over trying to help your husband, there is no magic formula that if followed will create Sobriety in another person, the will, desire and work must come from him, without that chances of success are minimal.
It's good though that he sounds like he wants to change, that's a start, but the workload and actions must kick in sooner or later.
In all of this find support for YOU, looking in on another person's addiction can be a lonely place, you'll find loads of support here on SR, there is also Al-anon which can be great for support also.
Great to have you here!!
The only person who can change their ways is the individual, so stop beating yourself up over trying to help your husband, there is no magic formula that if followed will create Sobriety in another person, the will, desire and work must come from him, without that chances of success are minimal.
It's good though that he sounds like he wants to change, that's a start, but the workload and actions must kick in sooner or later.
In all of this find support for YOU, looking in on another person's addiction can be a lonely place, you'll find loads of support here on SR, there is also Al-anon which can be great for support also.
Great to have you here!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: London
Posts: 8
Hey guys,
So I slept longer than I thought I would lol...but I haven't been sleeping much lately so I guess that's why.
So he came home yesterday with a bottle of wine...for me. It's still sitting there, and to my surprise he didn't drink any, and he didn't smoke either - huge result! I know that he'll probably come home today and have a joint, but I'm ok with that...last night is the first time in a year that he hasn't had anything AND hasn't kicked off about it, so I'm immensely relieved.
I feel very calm, in all honesty I've felt serene since I joined this site yesterday cause now I know it's not my fault, what I'm doing isn't wrong per se, I just need to take a different approach. And I never would've known that if not for you guys, so a tremendous thank you for your understanding and your words of encouragement...may your God truly bless you xxx
So I slept longer than I thought I would lol...but I haven't been sleeping much lately so I guess that's why.
So he came home yesterday with a bottle of wine...for me. It's still sitting there, and to my surprise he didn't drink any, and he didn't smoke either - huge result! I know that he'll probably come home today and have a joint, but I'm ok with that...last night is the first time in a year that he hasn't had anything AND hasn't kicked off about it, so I'm immensely relieved.
I feel very calm, in all honesty I've felt serene since I joined this site yesterday cause now I know it's not my fault, what I'm doing isn't wrong per se, I just need to take a different approach. And I never would've known that if not for you guys, so a tremendous thank you for your understanding and your words of encouragement...may your God truly bless you xxx
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