Got called out last night by my sponsor
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Got called out last night by my sponsor
I went to my Monday night meeting where I always see my sponsor. At the end of the meeting after we finished the prayer and we're all hugging, etc. she proceeds to call me out in front of everyone about that I did not say HI to someone when they said "Hello, my name is... " I was so embarrassed. I apologized to the person I omitted to say HI to. I didn't even realize I didn't say it... plus I said it to everyone else. Didn't she notice that? I must have been pre-occupied for a second. It wasn't intentional on my part. She called me later... didn't exactly apologize... she seemed to feel justified in her actions but didn't want me to be angry. Personally, if that was of concern to her, she should have mentioned it privately (in my opinion).
I don't know. I know I'm a very sensitive person. I told her that I knew she didn't mean anything bad and I was okay but I'm not sure I'm okay yet.
She called me out a couple of weeks ago about not having been at a Saturday meeting... "I see you're not going anymore." I have no idea how she knew that except that we may have talked or texted during the usual time I would be at the meeting.
I really like her and she's helped me so I want to get over this. She's the only sponsor I've had so I'm not exactly sure what to expect from one. She seems to be very popular in our group and has sponsored lots of people so it's probably me.
Thanks everyone for listening.
I don't know. I know I'm a very sensitive person. I told her that I knew she didn't mean anything bad and I was okay but I'm not sure I'm okay yet.
She called me out a couple of weeks ago about not having been at a Saturday meeting... "I see you're not going anymore." I have no idea how she knew that except that we may have talked or texted during the usual time I would be at the meeting.
I really like her and she's helped me so I want to get over this. She's the only sponsor I've had so I'm not exactly sure what to expect from one. She seems to be very popular in our group and has sponsored lots of people so it's probably me.
Thanks everyone for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,287
That's a tough one, ED. Don't blame yourself for your feelings. Do you think you might feel more comfortable with a different sponsor? It's perfectly ok to switch. A sponsor is a person we need to feel comfortable with and someone we respect and who also respects us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Im a sensitive person too an many times
I have to remember to "buckup buddy"
so to speak. However, being sensitive
doent mean we have to take other folks
cr@p either.
I try to treat others the way Id want
to be treated so if someone calls me out
on something, I have to say, did I really
need to be embarred like that in front
of others or could you have been more
willing to gently talk with me later and
explain my actions to better understand
it and to learn from it, grow from it.
I have to take care of me and my own
recovery and a tough sponsor for me
I found out was not what I actually needed.
If I had someone bark at me for every
little thing I did, reminding me of my
sick mother who did the same, belittle
me in front of others, well, I don't need
it and don't want it.
In prayer, which works for me, I can
pray that my HP - Higher Power or
God of my own understanding to guide
me and place the right person in my
path to help me grow, learn and become
a better sober person in life.
Then to let me know if that person
is His Will and not mine.
Never has He guided me wrong nor
giving me what I need and not what
I want.
There is nothing wrong in letting this
sponsor know that she is not working
well in your recovery. You can text her
or write her a short email keeping it short
and simple that you are in search of a new
sponsor.
Not every sponsor is a perfect fit
for everyone in recovery.
My sponsor was a guiding light for me
in my own recovery. I liked how she lived
and incorporated her program in all her
affairs. It was by her actions that I admire
the most. She had what I wanted in recovery.
Never TELLING ME what to do but by
a stern suggestion with care and concern
guiding me in what I needed to do to work
my own program and remain sober each
day.
Ive never replaced my sponsor but
today I use ALL of the fellowship to
learn from to continue strengthening
my own foundation in recovery to live
upon each day.
Grow from this experience and add to
it with more options to help you get what
you need to remain sober, healthy, honest
and happy in your own life.
I have to remember to "buckup buddy"
so to speak. However, being sensitive
doent mean we have to take other folks
cr@p either.
I try to treat others the way Id want
to be treated so if someone calls me out
on something, I have to say, did I really
need to be embarred like that in front
of others or could you have been more
willing to gently talk with me later and
explain my actions to better understand
it and to learn from it, grow from it.
I have to take care of me and my own
recovery and a tough sponsor for me
I found out was not what I actually needed.
If I had someone bark at me for every
little thing I did, reminding me of my
sick mother who did the same, belittle
me in front of others, well, I don't need
it and don't want it.
In prayer, which works for me, I can
pray that my HP - Higher Power or
God of my own understanding to guide
me and place the right person in my
path to help me grow, learn and become
a better sober person in life.
Then to let me know if that person
is His Will and not mine.
Never has He guided me wrong nor
giving me what I need and not what
I want.
There is nothing wrong in letting this
sponsor know that she is not working
well in your recovery. You can text her
or write her a short email keeping it short
and simple that you are in search of a new
sponsor.
Not every sponsor is a perfect fit
for everyone in recovery.
My sponsor was a guiding light for me
in my own recovery. I liked how she lived
and incorporated her program in all her
affairs. It was by her actions that I admire
the most. She had what I wanted in recovery.
Never TELLING ME what to do but by
a stern suggestion with care and concern
guiding me in what I needed to do to work
my own program and remain sober each
day.
Ive never replaced my sponsor but
today I use ALL of the fellowship to
learn from to continue strengthening
my own foundation in recovery to live
upon each day.
Grow from this experience and add to
it with more options to help you get what
you need to remain sober, healthy, honest
and happy in your own life.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Sponsors are human too.
IMHO, I think it would have been preferable to discuss that privately, rather than in front of people. And if it was only one meeting you missed, she could have just asked you about it rather than making an assumption.
Early in my sobriety, I made the mistake of placing my sponsors on pedestals. One time I asked for advice on how to deal with a situation with a certain person and she suggested I do the same thing to them, so they could see how it felt. I had enough sobriety/maturity at that point to know that wasn't right. We all make mistakes, and just because someone has been sober longer doesn't always mean they have all the answers. When in doubt, maybe you could run it by someone else like you did here and get a second opinion. Maybe a second sponsor would help.
IMHO, I think it would have been preferable to discuss that privately, rather than in front of people. And if it was only one meeting you missed, she could have just asked you about it rather than making an assumption.
Early in my sobriety, I made the mistake of placing my sponsors on pedestals. One time I asked for advice on how to deal with a situation with a certain person and she suggested I do the same thing to them, so they could see how it felt. I had enough sobriety/maturity at that point to know that wasn't right. We all make mistakes, and just because someone has been sober longer doesn't always mean they have all the answers. When in doubt, maybe you could run it by someone else like you did here and get a second opinion. Maybe a second sponsor would help.
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Thanks for the responses... all of you! I appreciate it. I have talked to my Higher Power about it and have asked for guidance. So far our relationship has been pretty good so I'm going to continue for now and pray on it and take things one day at a time.
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Originally Posted by sg1970 
She sounds like a control freak. Has she taken you through the Steps? That's a sponsor's primary purpose.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello:
Just talk to her about what's bothering you. Relationships are built on communication and I think it will be positive to have a talk. Don't bottle it up because it will be worse later.
Communication is key. Maybe she doesn't even see what she is doing.
Keep us posted!!!
Just talk to her about what's bothering you. Relationships are built on communication and I think it will be positive to have a talk. Don't bottle it up because it will be worse later.
Communication is key. Maybe she doesn't even see what she is doing.
Keep us posted!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
on another note I think your justified to raise a red flag over it.
I recall years ago someone asking to be accountability partners with my wife. I remember at the time thinking about this person and thinking this person just wants to be in control and wants to feel good about themselves by being able to hold someone else accountable all the time it had little to do with each other being better and more to do with this person getting control. I smelled a rat basicly.
I recall years ago someone asking to be accountability partners with my wife. I remember at the time thinking about this person and thinking this person just wants to be in control and wants to feel good about themselves by being able to hold someone else accountable all the time it had little to do with each other being better and more to do with this person getting control. I smelled a rat basicly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
ElleDee - I'm very sensitive like you are, so I can feel in part how awful that must have made you feel. A very difficult part of the journey to wholeness for people like us is to learn to go to the source of our problems and to be honest about our feelings and our experience. Your feelings and emotions are never wrong, they are natural to you - but sometimes the thought of sharing those can be very anxiety provoking because of the fear that you might get too nervous to talk, you may cry or you may become too overwhelmed with emotion.
The conversation that you are having here is the kind of conversation you should be having with her. Now would be a great time to set your personal boundaries. If concerns about you being brought up in public to you is outside your boundary, then you are the one who gets to draw that line. If she is unreceptive, dismissive or defensive then you are not with the right sponsor.
I wish you all the best. :-)
The conversation that you are having here is the kind of conversation you should be having with her. Now would be a great time to set your personal boundaries. If concerns about you being brought up in public to you is outside your boundary, then you are the one who gets to draw that line. If she is unreceptive, dismissive or defensive then you are not with the right sponsor.
I wish you all the best. :-)
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
zjw - I am keeping the antennae up (LOL) so to speak. I've been caught off guard a few times with things that came out of the blue. I have continued to chalk them up as just being human and my being new to AA and sponsorship and just not knowing.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,787
She doesn't sound very diplomatic, bringing things up in public that are best discussed in private. I'd bring that up with her and ask her to please keep personal things just between the two of you and not in public. I'd be a little irritated if it were me.
A sponsor's job is to take you thru the steps, not take attendance of your meetings or who you say "hi" to.
A sponsor's job is to take you thru the steps, not take attendance of your meetings or who you say "hi" to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Humans are humans. Don't sweat it too much. You have your faults, I have mine, and so does your sponsor.
As people always say, you can't control other people's words or actions, but you can control your response to them.
As people always say, you can't control other people's words or actions, but you can control your response to them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ny
Posts: 739
Hi elladee,
I had a very similar situation when I initially got sober 10 years ago. I chose someone who I thought would be good but wound up being controlling. Now looking back, She wanted to be involved in things in my life that she had no right being a part of. The was no wiggle room for me. I had to call when she told me, be at the meetings she was at etc....I was a mom of 3 with a job , a husband and a handicapped father. I wasn't always available at 6 pm on the dot,. Her pressure made me want to drink more. She made me feel worse!!!
I changed sponsors, which I admit, made me feel uncomfortable. I'm sensitive too!!! She was offended and gave me the cold shoulder from then on. Proving the point....she had her own issues!!!!
This is your sobriety and you should not be made to feel uncomfortable. Like the others have said, she is there to work you through the steps, not bully you. Go with your gut.
Pray on it and I wish you the best.
I had a very similar situation when I initially got sober 10 years ago. I chose someone who I thought would be good but wound up being controlling. Now looking back, She wanted to be involved in things in my life that she had no right being a part of. The was no wiggle room for me. I had to call when she told me, be at the meetings she was at etc....I was a mom of 3 with a job , a husband and a handicapped father. I wasn't always available at 6 pm on the dot,. Her pressure made me want to drink more. She made me feel worse!!!
I changed sponsors, which I admit, made me feel uncomfortable. I'm sensitive too!!! She was offended and gave me the cold shoulder from then on. Proving the point....she had her own issues!!!!
This is your sobriety and you should not be made to feel uncomfortable. Like the others have said, she is there to work you through the steps, not bully you. Go with your gut.
Pray on it and I wish you the best.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 120
This kind of thing boils my blood. You didn't do anything wrong. Not saying "Hi"! robotically when everyone else is saying "hi" is not grounds for a talking-to. I think your sponsor needs to ask herself if she's let the sponsor-sponsee dynamic go to her head? Her job as a sponsor is to encourage your recovery, public belittling over a trivial issue doesn't fit that bill
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 82
Hi, ElleDee ~
Here's a link to AA's Sponsorship Booklet:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
And "e-AA Group" has a forum on Sponsorship that you can view without joining, should you be interested.
The e-AA Group ? Index page
Going by what you wrote, this is what I see:
Your sponsor had a *reaction* to a situation. The reaction was on *her* side of the street. But she 'crossed over' to your side of the street and blamed you for her reaction (justifying her reaction). It's also called 'taking someone's inventory'.
An *observation* made might have resulted in a friend whispering, "Hey, X spoke to you, did you want to say 'hi' back?" And then leave further action/inaction up to you.
That you did not publically 'react to her reaction' is quite good on your part. Not reacting outwardly wouldn't necessarily mean I didn't still have an onion to peel if I did have a reaction, it just cut down on the number of messes I had to clean up from reacting outwardly. A huge plus!
All the best,
Keep trudgin'
PJ
Here's a link to AA's Sponsorship Booklet:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
And "e-AA Group" has a forum on Sponsorship that you can view without joining, should you be interested.
The e-AA Group ? Index page
Going by what you wrote, this is what I see:
Your sponsor had a *reaction* to a situation. The reaction was on *her* side of the street. But she 'crossed over' to your side of the street and blamed you for her reaction (justifying her reaction). It's also called 'taking someone's inventory'.
An *observation* made might have resulted in a friend whispering, "Hey, X spoke to you, did you want to say 'hi' back?" And then leave further action/inaction up to you.
That you did not publically 'react to her reaction' is quite good on your part. Not reacting outwardly wouldn't necessarily mean I didn't still have an onion to peel if I did have a reaction, it just cut down on the number of messes I had to clean up from reacting outwardly. A huge plus!
All the best,
Keep trudgin'
PJ
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
