Drank again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,098
Drank again
I wasn't going to post a new thread for this but I did a lot of thinking today and realised SR has been one of my most valuable tools in recovery so I'm going try to be more engaged here and also reach out when I need, and just be more honest and upfront
I drank the other day, after 105 days sober. I had some drinks at work (it was a celebration for a co worker) and I ended up leaving work early after that to get more alcohol and go shopping - talk about irresponsible. That progressed into feeling ashamed when I got home and wanting to hide from my family, and then going to the pub where I blacked out.
Thankfully it only lasted that day and I'm sober now with no desire to drink, but it was still such a mistake. I wish I could take it back I'm so disgusted with myself, I really saw clearly though how I am just not someone who can have a few drinks, it's like once I decide to take the first I lose all control. That sounds obvious but I never truly believed that was true for me until now. I thought maybe one day I'd be able to drink normally, once I'd broken up with my abusive ex (which I did last month) or once I was less depressed and had more of a 'future' But truth is everything in my life was actually going quite well, and I have no excuses.
I've spent the day writing out a new plan, this time I've included more health things like diet and exercise since i seem to find it easier to refuse alcohol when I'm taking care of my body. When I eat junk it's actually like I crave more destructive things. Also going to be coming here everyday, committed to more meetings, and taking small steps with my education each day because when I feel unproductive I get depressed. Still having a bit of trouble figuring out what to do when I'm triggered though, apart from calling someone or leaving, which don't always work for me. I'll give this some more thought
Anyway, thanks for giving me somewhere to say all this and I'm so grateful to know I have this place. Any advice or butt kicking is welcome, but listening is just great too
I drank the other day, after 105 days sober. I had some drinks at work (it was a celebration for a co worker) and I ended up leaving work early after that to get more alcohol and go shopping - talk about irresponsible. That progressed into feeling ashamed when I got home and wanting to hide from my family, and then going to the pub where I blacked out.
Thankfully it only lasted that day and I'm sober now with no desire to drink, but it was still such a mistake. I wish I could take it back I'm so disgusted with myself, I really saw clearly though how I am just not someone who can have a few drinks, it's like once I decide to take the first I lose all control. That sounds obvious but I never truly believed that was true for me until now. I thought maybe one day I'd be able to drink normally, once I'd broken up with my abusive ex (which I did last month) or once I was less depressed and had more of a 'future' But truth is everything in my life was actually going quite well, and I have no excuses.
I've spent the day writing out a new plan, this time I've included more health things like diet and exercise since i seem to find it easier to refuse alcohol when I'm taking care of my body. When I eat junk it's actually like I crave more destructive things. Also going to be coming here everyday, committed to more meetings, and taking small steps with my education each day because when I feel unproductive I get depressed. Still having a bit of trouble figuring out what to do when I'm triggered though, apart from calling someone or leaving, which don't always work for me. I'll give this some more thought
Anyway, thanks for giving me somewhere to say all this and I'm so grateful to know I have this place. Any advice or butt kicking is welcome, but listening is just great too
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ny
Posts: 739
Hi immri,
I'm in the same boat...I drank on Wednesday after 6 months sober....2bottles of wine. My kids knew right away. My sons girlfriend was here as well. Sux!!!!! I am so disappointed with myself. I've had years sober in the past but these last 6 months were great. I posted here everyday and became connected to the January class. I stopped posting in April. This drinking episode was deliberate and planned.
Anyway...stay with SR...I plan on posting often and getting connected. I look forward to getting sober with you.....
Join the July class!!!!
I'm in the same boat...I drank on Wednesday after 6 months sober....2bottles of wine. My kids knew right away. My sons girlfriend was here as well. Sux!!!!! I am so disappointed with myself. I've had years sober in the past but these last 6 months were great. I posted here everyday and became connected to the January class. I stopped posting in April. This drinking episode was deliberate and planned.
Anyway...stay with SR...I plan on posting often and getting connected. I look forward to getting sober with you.....
Join the July class!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I’m glad you’re back on the sober path. You’re experience after the fact shows why so many don’t get a second chance on this path of sobriety. KEEP COMING AND TRYING! As you probably know only you can accomplish this for yourself.
One thing most sober alcoholics must do is fill the void alcohol filled in our thinking and processing. We need some sort of permanent pursuit in changing our responses to lifes situations, good and bad and all the reasons we drank to escape. It’s work to change but so worthwhile.
BE WELL
I’m glad you’re back on the sober path. You’re experience after the fact shows why so many don’t get a second chance on this path of sobriety. KEEP COMING AND TRYING! As you probably know only you can accomplish this for yourself.
One thing most sober alcoholics must do is fill the void alcohol filled in our thinking and processing. We need some sort of permanent pursuit in changing our responses to lifes situations, good and bad and all the reasons we drank to escape. It’s work to change but so worthwhile.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,287
Immri, I totally understand the way you feel! I've relapsed too many times but I am always in hopes that this time is my last. A couple of observations:
We all have this horrendous sense of guilt when we relapse. It's understandable but I personally think it can sometimes lead to more drinking. I've finally managed to shed a bit of the shame and remind myself that this is a physical condition. I have some control over it but not perfect. We beat ourselves up so much that we certainly don't need others to do the same!
I find it helps to appreciate every sober day and recommit daily to staying sober. For me, it also helped a great deal to keep adding things and also to not give up. I now try to think of the positives if I relapse. I've been sober for nearly a year with one small relapse when unusually stressed.
Keep on keeping on!
We all have this horrendous sense of guilt when we relapse. It's understandable but I personally think it can sometimes lead to more drinking. I've finally managed to shed a bit of the shame and remind myself that this is a physical condition. I have some control over it but not perfect. We beat ourselves up so much that we certainly don't need others to do the same!
I find it helps to appreciate every sober day and recommit daily to staying sober. For me, it also helped a great deal to keep adding things and also to not give up. I now try to think of the positives if I relapse. I've been sober for nearly a year with one small relapse when unusually stressed.
Keep on keeping on!
SD 7/3/15 SRJD 7/14/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: The Jersey Shore
Posts: 316
Seems like every day in my IOP for substance abuse (mine is alcohol) during the last session of the day called PROCESS, someone is explaining their relapse. Most go into great detail about the guilt they feel for letting down everyone...themselves, the group, their family, their significant other.
You only get 3 strikes in this program, and they urine test almost every day you are there, so relapse is bad for you on multiple levels. After 3 strikes they recommend another program or an inpatient program.
This daily occurrence among maybe 15 people tells me relapse is common, and how you recognize why it happened (sometimes impossible I know) and how you handle it going forward is key.
It's so sad to listen and feel their guilt firsthand, wish there was a more constructive way to process the failure and move forward.
Hope you find the strength.
You only get 3 strikes in this program, and they urine test almost every day you are there, so relapse is bad for you on multiple levels. After 3 strikes they recommend another program or an inpatient program.
This daily occurrence among maybe 15 people tells me relapse is common, and how you recognize why it happened (sometimes impossible I know) and how you handle it going forward is key.
It's so sad to listen and feel their guilt firsthand, wish there was a more constructive way to process the failure and move forward.
Hope you find the strength.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 754
Maybe it was necessary so that you could change your mindset. It sounds like a fortunate self discovery event... I mean fortunate in that no one got hurt. You sound strong and determined. You sound like one who will succeed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 654
I can see this is a trap I could so easily fall into. I already think sometimes that maybe when I am more stable in my life I will be able to have the odd drink. I know me though and I would be the same as you. I would not stop at a couple. I think it is best to see it as a lesson learned. Next time your at that place in life you can remember this and know that it is not an option. Thank you for sharing this experience it has helped me clarify that it is also not going to be an option for me down the line. No matter how stable I feel that will be down to NOT drinking so a drink would ruin it.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
(((immri)))
No real advice and definitely no butt kicking, just how it is for me.
I could never have "just a few". I sure wanted to but it is not how I am wired. Also, I have come to understand that out of all of my issues and obstacles - depression, dysfunctional upbringing, etc. - addiction heads the pack. Trying to resolve my other issues first will not make my alcoholism more manageable.
It is taking care of my sobriety first that makes working on the other stuff possible.
Bottom line, no matter how emotionally healthy I become I will never be able to drink normally.
No real advice and definitely no butt kicking, just how it is for me.
I could never have "just a few". I sure wanted to but it is not how I am wired. Also, I have come to understand that out of all of my issues and obstacles - depression, dysfunctional upbringing, etc. - addiction heads the pack. Trying to resolve my other issues first will not make my alcoholism more manageable.
It is taking care of my sobriety first that makes working on the other stuff possible.
Bottom line, no matter how emotionally healthy I become I will never be able to drink normally.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,045
immri - 2 things I like best about your post is you make no excuses for yourself and you're adding things to your plan. Staying sober is a long road if you mean it (and I think you do), so you need a lot of tools, and you need to learn to use them well.
Stick to your plan, use your support. You say you go to meetings -- do you have phone numbers and use them? When you're at a business occasion where everyone is drinking and it seems like the "right" thing to do, *that's* the time to slip out and call someone.
You're doing all the right things -- keep doing them, one day at a time!
Stick to your plan, use your support. You say you go to meetings -- do you have phone numbers and use them? When you're at a business occasion where everyone is drinking and it seems like the "right" thing to do, *that's* the time to slip out and call someone.
You're doing all the right things -- keep doing them, one day at a time!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,098
Thanks so much for the replies guys, it always amazes me just how much support and understanding there is here. It really helps.
I've definitely been beating myself up a bit today but I'm not letting myself fall into self pity and instead trying to just look at what needs to change to stop this happening again - you're all so right, I love hearing how you guys relate and any advice, it's hard to trust myself sometimes and I also forget just how similar we all are.
It's great to not feel so alone, sometimes I feel like no one in real life gets it at all, even my AA friends sometimes seem like perfect examples and I'm the failure.
Ah calling people who have offered me their numbers and support is something I struggle with to be honest, I never want to feel like a burden (yet then I get drunk, make a fool of myself and make everyone close to me suffer as a result, so that's obviously some pretty flawed thinking)
Thanks again for the support
I've definitely been beating myself up a bit today but I'm not letting myself fall into self pity and instead trying to just look at what needs to change to stop this happening again - you're all so right, I love hearing how you guys relate and any advice, it's hard to trust myself sometimes and I also forget just how similar we all are.
It's great to not feel so alone, sometimes I feel like no one in real life gets it at all, even my AA friends sometimes seem like perfect examples and I'm the failure.
Ah calling people who have offered me their numbers and support is something I struggle with to be honest, I never want to feel like a burden (yet then I get drunk, make a fool of myself and make everyone close to me suffer as a result, so that's obviously some pretty flawed thinking)
Thanks again for the support
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by immri 
I wasn't going to post a new thread for this but I did a lot of thinking today and realised SR has been one of my most valuable tools in recovery so I'm going try to be more engaged here and also reach out when I need, and just be more honest and upfront
I drank the other day, after 105 days sober. I had some drinks at work (it was a celebration for a co worker) and I ended up leaving work early after that to get more alcohol and go shopping - talk about irresponsible. That progressed into feeling ashamed when I got home and wanting to hide from my family, and then going to the pub where I blacked out.
Thankfully it only lasted that day and I'm sober now with no desire to drink, but it was still such a mistake. I wish I could take it back I'm so disgusted with myself, I really saw clearly though how I am just not someone who can have a few drinks, it's like once I decide to take the first I lose all control. That sounds obvious but I never truly believed that was true for me until now. I thought maybe one day I'd be able to drink normally, once I'd broken up with my abusive ex (which I did last month) or once I was less depressed and had more of a 'future' But truth is everything in my life was actually going quite well, and I have no excuses.
I've spent the day writing out a new plan, this time I've included more health things like diet and exercise since i seem to find it easier to refuse alcohol when I'm taking care of my body. When I eat junk it's actually like I crave more destructive things. Also going to be coming here everyday, committed to more meetings, and taking small steps with my education each day because when I feel unproductive I get depressed. Still having a bit of trouble figuring out what to do when I'm triggered though, apart from calling someone or leaving, which don't always work for me. I'll give this some more thought
Anyway, thanks for giving me somewhere to say all this and I'm so grateful to know I have this place. Any advice or butt kicking is welcome, but listening is just great too
I drank the other day, after 105 days sober. I had some drinks at work (it was a celebration for a co worker) and I ended up leaving work early after that to get more alcohol and go shopping - talk about irresponsible. That progressed into feeling ashamed when I got home and wanting to hide from my family, and then going to the pub where I blacked out.
Thankfully it only lasted that day and I'm sober now with no desire to drink, but it was still such a mistake. I wish I could take it back I'm so disgusted with myself, I really saw clearly though how I am just not someone who can have a few drinks, it's like once I decide to take the first I lose all control. That sounds obvious but I never truly believed that was true for me until now. I thought maybe one day I'd be able to drink normally, once I'd broken up with my abusive ex (which I did last month) or once I was less depressed and had more of a 'future' But truth is everything in my life was actually going quite well, and I have no excuses.
I've spent the day writing out a new plan, this time I've included more health things like diet and exercise since i seem to find it easier to refuse alcohol when I'm taking care of my body. When I eat junk it's actually like I crave more destructive things. Also going to be coming here everyday, committed to more meetings, and taking small steps with my education each day because when I feel unproductive I get depressed. Still having a bit of trouble figuring out what to do when I'm triggered though, apart from calling someone or leaving, which don't always work for me. I'll give this some more thought
Anyway, thanks for giving me somewhere to say all this and I'm so grateful to know I have this place. Any advice or butt kicking is welcome, but listening is just great too
I'm glad your fall was short-lived.
When I made the decision to drink again at 5 months sober, my return to the miserable cycle lasted nearly a year and a half and was filled with sorrow and frustration and sickness.
My advice is; GET ACTIVE. Actually CHANGE your patterns. Add new things into your life that support sobriety, give you excitement and new experiences, and fill up the time you might otherwise fill with booze.
Get a counselor.... start exploring your SELF and in what ways you can work on growing. Sobriety for me has been a journey in maturing and evolving and learning to love myself and my life. This is tremendously valuable to not just sobriety - but to LIFE ITSELF. In active addiction, I never really got down to the real work of learning about who I was and wanted to be, the things that were underneath my addiction, the ways in which I needed to heal and to grow. In sobriety, by ACTIVELY working on these things, I've grown immensely and I'm happier and more at peace for it.
EXERCISE!! There is nothing like a committed daily ritual of physical exercise (preferably in nature) to help invigorate us, detox us, energize us and give us a mood boost.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,323
Thanks for the post....It's funny i'm at 6 months and 10 days sober now...And went to a meeting last night and shared on the topic of : The Danger of complacency.
I've had a few slips back into old drinking habits in the past few years (That I've really tried to STOP)...and they're caused (at least in my own experience) by being complacent with my recovery.
I need to work recovery...DAILY. I get no days off...But truth be told i don't want any days off...My life has improved dramatically over the past 6 months.
Meetings. SR...Working with a sponsor. Staying connected EVERY day has made a world of difference.
Left to my own devices...I become complacent and well...I don't want a repeat of what that leads to.
You can do this. Don't give up. EVER.
I've had a few slips back into old drinking habits in the past few years (That I've really tried to STOP)...and they're caused (at least in my own experience) by being complacent with my recovery.
I need to work recovery...DAILY. I get no days off...But truth be told i don't want any days off...My life has improved dramatically over the past 6 months.
Meetings. SR...Working with a sponsor. Staying connected EVERY day has made a world of difference.
Left to my own devices...I become complacent and well...I don't want a repeat of what that leads to.
You can do this. Don't give up. EVER.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Hi immri, I also meant to say that you show a lot of insight in your post. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much, you are back in the saddle and moving in the right direction 
SR is the best, isn't it?!!
SR is the best, isn't it?!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,098
Thanks for all the support guys!! Getting complacent is definitely a killer
Feeling better about things, made some changes in my plan and daily 'to-do' and commitments,
Something I'm trying to do different this time, following the great advice here, is really be more active in things and doing them consistently without fail - service work, committing to posting here, signed up to a month yoga 5 times a week, coffee once a week with a strong sober friend, made dr appts for the the next few months.
I have a habit of being very 'all or nothing' and throwing myself into things then abandoning it all quickly. To combat this I've tried to structure my time more realistically - 5 times a week 45 mins yoga I can do no problem, and it helps my state of mind enormously, but every day would be difficult. Also I normally decide to do these things without making a commitment to anyone else, so I've been sure to commit TO someone so that I won't back out.
I'm trying to get a bit more balance too, im really happy with how my schedule is feeling now that I've been honest with myself about what I can achieve.
Work 2-3 days a week depending on what they need, one full day of study time (going back to grad school for the second time, few months until classes but trying to keep focussed), one morning of full house cleaning, Friday and Monday night meetings, French class once a week and family time on weekends. Still enough free time to fit in friends, yoga, time to read and learn, but still commitments and responsibilities to keep me connected and active.
Something different about this time too is just how eager I am to learn about addiction and recovery, I have a big list of books and am loving AA speaker tapes again, as well as very interested in the AVRT info. I'm determined to be informed this time around.
Anyway it's good to get this out, if anyone reads any advice is always welcome, if not at least I got it all down on paper (or screen haha)
Feeling better about things, made some changes in my plan and daily 'to-do' and commitments,
Something I'm trying to do different this time, following the great advice here, is really be more active in things and doing them consistently without fail - service work, committing to posting here, signed up to a month yoga 5 times a week, coffee once a week with a strong sober friend, made dr appts for the the next few months.
I have a habit of being very 'all or nothing' and throwing myself into things then abandoning it all quickly. To combat this I've tried to structure my time more realistically - 5 times a week 45 mins yoga I can do no problem, and it helps my state of mind enormously, but every day would be difficult. Also I normally decide to do these things without making a commitment to anyone else, so I've been sure to commit TO someone so that I won't back out.
I'm trying to get a bit more balance too, im really happy with how my schedule is feeling now that I've been honest with myself about what I can achieve.
Work 2-3 days a week depending on what they need, one full day of study time (going back to grad school for the second time, few months until classes but trying to keep focussed), one morning of full house cleaning, Friday and Monday night meetings, French class once a week and family time on weekends. Still enough free time to fit in friends, yoga, time to read and learn, but still commitments and responsibilities to keep me connected and active.
Something different about this time too is just how eager I am to learn about addiction and recovery, I have a big list of books and am loving AA speaker tapes again, as well as very interested in the AVRT info. I'm determined to be informed this time around.
Anyway it's good to get this out, if anyone reads any advice is always welcome, if not at least I got it all down on paper (or screen haha)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
That sounds like a great plan. I like your insight. I'm one of those people who get really involved with something for a bit and then slack off and yours is a reminder I can't be complacent about things. I have some structure but need to organize myself better.
Keep going! I'm glad you posted.
Keep going! I'm glad you posted.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
immri, Sounds like you have a good plan of action going on . I'm sort of bad for that also going full steam into something - than dropping it half way though . Summer seems worse for me , I can't take the heat so I end up sitting and thinking with the air conditioner going . Reading your post makes me want to pick up my projects that I didn't finish . Not let my thoughts run away from me . You gave me some Great inspiration ! Best of luck in your new ideas of keeping busy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Immri, it sounds like you have a new plan, stick with SR and keep yourself busy. But not so busy that you forget why you are doing it in the first place. I am the same way, I get an idea in my head and throw myself into it, only to quit or give up down the road. Take your time, and remember that being sober is the best life you can give yourself. It also sounds like you understand your addiction, we can't just have one, and having that one drink will without a doubt lead to another and another until black out. That understanding was my turning point and I do what ever I have to do to not take that first drink.
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