TheSereneTheif

I'm mostly coming down off of stuff, so I haven't slept in a few nights. Ah, freaked out some friends. I'm just not really sure that I've got what it takes again. I really found some solace before, and I let it get away from me.

So, I'm being really vocal and letting my thoughts out. I sent a few text messages to friends that were absolutely, utter nonsense , which was embarrassing. It's never nice or fair when people witness just how far apart your hinges have swung away from a rusty kitchen screen door. But they are good people and forgiving. I can string sentences together again, so that's mostly over. But I'm reeling at how telling it was. It was a first-hand bitter look at just how far down I've come from. How deep I've let it get into me, and how far I'm willing to let it take me into the void. The only words that I could imagine an onlooker, is that it's just 'really f****** sad to watch'.

I'm not sure how I'll manage the next little while. I'm on vacation until the 6th, so I've got some rest and recovery time between now and the grind. Still, I mean, ****. This is how it happens. Each time, I come down, resolve that things are going to be different, then proceed to make no changes, saunter down to the bar, be a general miscreant and make the same resolution the next morning. Oh my god the mental gymnastics that have to get me from my staunch refusal to my abandonment of all previous convictions - I feel like the whole f****** time/space continuum could be ripped apart with this illusion. I'm sometimes flabbergasted at my continued existence, and at times, believe there's gotta be a Darwin award with my name on it.

Not that I don't value my life, but there's just been a significant amount of times that I've stared into the void asking, 'What in the general **** is going on?' I am the most bewildered spectator of my own zoo. Mostly because it amazes me that someone, me, with such disregard for life can actually cling to it.

And that's just sick stuff, man. I mean, I would welcome nothing less than sweet freedom for just one day again. A few moments free of the worry, confusion and terror that my next poor life decision is going to take me. Preferably a whole ton of moments.

I'm not saying it's useless, but I'm not feeling very empowered to conquer this. I feel weak. Fragile. Entirely lost. A coward. Just another freaked out jibberish rambling, drool collector that lies in wait. Because you know, when I go into those broken mind moments, everything appears crystal clear to me. It's like I feel as though I have been provided with instant enlightenment. Of course, this is utter nonsense. The only thing that has happened, is my brain no longer functions the way it was intended, so does its best with the information that's provided. Which is spotty. Psychosis. It happens every time I use. No matter what now. I go into these weird states. And say weird things. And DOOO weird ****. Life is ******* weird.

Eugh. I guess I'm just going to be more vigilant. Have a plan. Start to feel better even when I loath the desire to. Overcome myself. What a monumental task. If I continue on like this, it's certain death in the most uncomfortable manner around. Looking around me, that's in a gutter in the slums of India.

TheSereneTheif

I mean that in the most figurative sense. I guess I just envision my current path ending in a place that's entirely foreign to me. Without friends and family. Alienating all that was once good in my life.

Dee74

why not start where everyone starts - day one?

join the June support thread and get involved in helping people and having them help you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-3-a-18.html

However many years you've been struggling with this need not be a determinant in how you'll go this time - not if you don't want it to be

I was 30 years a drug and alcohol abuser - ended up an all day everyday drunk. I turned things around

There's no real secret to change - you just have to be prepared to make changes

D

Nonsensical

You hold the keys to the dungeon you're in. Unlock the door and step out into the light. It is glorious out here.

Change is possible, therefore HOPE is reasonable.

You can do this.

Soberwolf

Good advice & links above know you can do this daily check in asking advice getting a plan together it really helps knowing your not alone

Glad your here

PurpleKnight

You can do this, you can turn a corner, take small steps and they'll all add up!!

thomas11

Hi TST, wow, my first thought is your writing style. Your ability to articulate your thoughts is incredible. Unfortunately that's not going to help you remain clean. I believe strongly that people have an incredible ability to perform the mental gymnastics you speak of to justify poor, unacceptable or even despicable behavior. That kind of thinking can work for you, or against you. It seems it the latter for you. You mentioned time off until the 6th, you could use that time to have a hurricane and darwin award named after you, or you could use that time to cling to SR, remain sober, develop a plan...ya know, all that sh*t that is good for you (my lame attempt at humor there). You sound like a prideful person, don't let this crap define you and be the caption on your headstone.

TheSereneTheif

I am a prideful person, and I recognize it to be more of a liability than an asset when not kept in check. Thanks for bringing that up. I will need to develop an attack plan around that I think. Ways to lessen the power my ego has over my best intentions.

Thanks for your kind words.