fhl41

I haven't posted in a while not that I am much of a poster in the first place.

I was sober for almost a year a couple years ago, (god has it been that long) but with dealing with my mom's cancer and being her only family to help her I broke down and had a glass of wine here and a glass of wine there.

I also recently started dating this guy and every time we went out he wanted to take me somewhere to eat and drink. The first couple times I was okay with it because I would just convince myself that I deserved a night out considering what I am going through, and on first dates people typically have a couple of drinks right? He is also very generous and would pay, it felt nice to be taken out like this.

Well after a couple of these kind of dates I suggested we do something else, (I don't like to drink all the time.. I actually don't' want to drink at all but that is another story). Once I suggested a walk, and another time a movie, well both times at the last minute he wanted to change the date and suggested we go out for food and drinks yet again. Ugh.

So me being "Ms. Accommodating" goes along with this. Well this last weekend we got pretty drunk and it was fun and everything but I don't want to live that life anymore! It is fun for awhile but essentially I ended up feeling empty and when I look back on the night it was fake and kind of boring, with no "real" connection.

I also began to realize he has a drinking problem because when we went to pick up a bottle of wine that night before we went to his place he also grabbed a 24 case of beer to stock his fridge with!!! He is on his way to a country in Asia (don't' want to be specific as to where on here..) on Thursday for a couple of weeks and says he can't wait to hit the pool and have some beer. Its almost like he has nothing else going on except drinking. I know if I was going to Asia I would be doing more than drinking.

I know this is a dangerous road and I am not going down it again so I have ended it with him. I feel terrible because he is a really nice man and he is very kind to me. It has to be done though, I know if I stay with him, we will just drink together. Thankfully he is leaving town for 3 weeks.

I know I need to stop drinking yet again. When I look back on my life when I wasn't drinking, it was true bliss, don't get me wrong it wasn't easy but I sure miss those days of being in touch with my true self and being authentic.

I'm also beginning to wonder if I need to stop dating altogether.

I would appreciate any words of wisdom.

Anna

Hi,

I don't think you need to stop dating necessarily, but I think you might need to stop dating him. Or you might need to have a serious talk about wanting to do other things than go to restaurants and drinking. It sounds like you have a good perspective on the positive aspects of living a sober life. I urge you to listen to that voice that's telling you to do the right thing.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back fhl41! Dating/relationships are always difficult, even more so for those early on in recovery. There's a lot of varying opinions on how long to wait, some say a year, others say longer or shorter. There's really no hard fast rule.

Sounds to me though that the drinking is really the issue...it has a way of creeping back in and your addiction will use whatever it can as an excuse to keep going. So while it's probably not a great idea for you to be dating someone with a drinking problem of his own, I'd recommend focusing on your own problem first. You cannot "fix" him,and if it's too much of a distraction you might need to move on as well.

First and foremost though you need to figure out a way to keep from taking that "first" drink...because once you do, all bets are off. What did you use as a plan/program during the year you were sober?

buk1000

It sounds like you think you need to stop drinking while dating. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop dating. If you are comfortable doing it, you could just tell guys up front that you don't drink and see how they react. If you're not comfortable with that, you could maybe seek out someone who doesn't drink themselves.

The only reason I might suggest not dating is if you think it would make you drink under all circumstances.

fhl41

thanks Anna, you made me teary eyed. You are so right.

ScottfromWi, I didn't really do a program, I really wanted to go to AA but being an introvert I was terrified. I would listen to AA speakers on my iphone though.

fhl41

thanks Buk1000, the tricky thing is, most of my dating or relationships were with men that drank I guess because I used to drink and I was only comfortable being with men that drank. I know. stupid.

So during my 10 months sober i did actually date 2 guys and they were sober as well (recovered alcoholics) really great guys but me being so new at dating sober, it was really a new experience but way more enjoyable now that I look back on it.

It was way more authentic and real. It was nice to have real conversations and connections. It didn't work out with either of these guys though but it was nice. It gives me hope actually.

greens

It sounds like you have a lot of the answers yourself, you are just looking for a sounding board here, which I personally think is really healthy.
If he is leaving soon this may give you space to work out what you want, and to put your own needs first.
That's my biggest issue in relationships, people pleasing. I am much less healthy when I am in relationships bc I put their needs before my own.
I actually quite prefer being alone. If the right person came along that would be great but searching for a partner just because I'm lonely has always ended with me settling for less then I deserve.
one of the greatest gifts of sobriety for this introvert was learnig, REALLY learning on every level , the difference between isolation and solitude.

fhl41

Thanks Greens, I sometimes feel the same, I don't feel right when I am in a relationship, I seem to lose myself in them. I like being on my own to be honest, I don't have a problem with it. I guess at times I do like male company but it is not a necessity in my life. I prefer solitude. I have lost myself so many in times in relationships in the past I am actually quite terrified of it happening again.

doggonecarl

I think you need to take a long look at your drinking, as it seems to have gone on, intermittently at least, for longer than the dating. Time to evaluate where you stand with your recovery. For the alcoholic, the drinking escalates, while the excuses diminish.

fhl41

I agree Doggonecarl, it has me in its grips.

want2feelGood

i envy you that you were able to break up with him. did you ever mention to him that you didnt feel like drinking the times he suggested it? I am newly trying to get sober and been with my boyfriend for 2 years and I know for sure he has a drinking problem. last weekend i tried making plans to see a movie, instead of our usual happy hour, but of course he mentions stopping for beer before the movie!! i could tell you so much that worried me about him, and crazy thing is, now ive started his drinking problem habbits!! i look back now and remember me being concerned, such as he would go to the bar at 10am to watch football or whatever and not stop drinking til he passes out! i mention lets take my dog to the beach and he will pack a cooler of beers, in the morning!! now, i am just as sick as him. and im very very sad because if i want to get healthy, i will have to let him go and i will miss him so much. i dont know why though because i dont remember the last time we were able to drink and not get in some sort of argument or full on horrible verbal abusive fight!! ok. sorry i am going on about my story. i guess i need your help, how do i leave him? he really is my best friend. so i am sad and scared which is horrible, i should be excited to get well! i am proud you chose yourself over him. i know i am probably co-dependant or afraid to be lonely, etc. i guess i can still go out with him and just order water. and refuse to sit at a bar all day, everyweekend.

mns1

Dating can be tough enough even when drinking is not an issue!

But I know for me, in the last few years as I have worked toward prolonged sobriety (still working on it), dating has been especially difficult for me. I've gone on date after date only end up disappointed and, in a couple cases, relapsing. I too questioned whether I should even bother anymore.

But being a man of hope, I just told myself (and continue to tell myself) that if I just keep being myself and working my butt off toward my goals, the right person will eventually come strolling right into my life.

kittycat3

Coffee dates. Or activity. Just don't even go to places where alcohol is served.

Sounds like you and this guy are a bad match, so you did the right thing.

fhl41

you know what, I look back on this whole situation and I knew it was going to be trouble from the start. I have nobody to blame but myself. The first time he asked me out was to meet for drinks after work, I should have suggested coffee instead.

Della1968

My fiance and I broke up last August over my drinking. I was devastated he truly was my best friend on so many levels. I eventually got sober and went to outpatient treatment. Looking back now I couldn't have done that in a relationship. I wouldn't have felt right taking that much time for myself. I will always love him more than I have ever loved any man BUT now I know he doesn't have a place in the life I have made for myself. He drinks a lot but it doesn't cause problems for him. He wanted me to not be an alcoholic but still be able to drink. I have proven that's not possible more times than I care to remember.
I have recently started dating again. He is a singer so rarely drinks at all. It's nice but I make a huge effort to maintain my space and alone time. I am finally starting to like myself and am very protective of my little bubble. Work on you....then things start falling into place the way they are meant to.

fhl41

Hi Want2feelgood, I think you need to do what is right for YOU and be honest with him in what you need, and if that means going out with him and doing things that don't involve alcohol then he needs to understand that. If he doesn't then you may need to move on without him.

My situation is a bit different I have only known him a couple weeks so it is much easier to break off with him.

fhl41

I'm sorry to hear about your break up from your fiance. You had to do what was right for you though by the sounds of it. It sounds like you have met a nice man and have found balance.