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Old 06-07-2015, 07:41 AM
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Regrets

I know I've seen threads similar, about regrets and how to work through them. I've had my share of embarrassing incidents caused by alcohol, and I've also done things I'm ashamed of with no alcohol involved.
But there is one memory I have, just awful (nothing illegal), that I feel so much regret over, it haunts me. It happened about 9-10 years ago and to this day I can't put it behind me. It was caused by my drinking.

So, there are times when I'm doing well, staying sober, feeling better & stronger, yet I know it doesn't erase that night. : (
How do you all work through that? I still wonder if my kids remember it, they were pretty young, 5 & 7, and I had just started drinking actually, probably was a few months in. It's never been mentioned, nobody talks about it luckily.
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Old 06-07-2015, 07:50 AM
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Maybe you need to talk about it so you can work it out and put it behind you? Doesn't have to be on here of course. Talking about something that troubles me always helps me.
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Old 06-07-2015, 08:05 AM
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I'm afraid to bring it up, it makes it more real, if that makes sense.
I could talk to my husband about it but sometimes he likes to make me feel worse so I stopped talking to him about certain things.
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Old 06-07-2015, 08:20 AM
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What about with a different family member? A sibling or your parents? Or a trusted friend?
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Old 06-07-2015, 08:24 AM
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Jessie, I have that happen occasionally too.

I've learned that these are emotional memories and for me, when it happens, I feel like I'm back there. My body reacts. But that doesn't have to happen. You have a window of about 30 seconds or so, when you can quickly dismiss the thought and replace it with a pleasant thought. If you dismiss it relatively quickly, you will not experience the emotional pain again. This is a link which MorningGlory (our Admin) posted years ago and it's really worth reading:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html
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Old 06-07-2015, 08:29 AM
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I have accepted the past. The good and the bad things are what made me who I am today.

Sometimes I get flashbacks of events, I acknowledge the feeling and move on.
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Old 06-07-2015, 08:47 AM
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Just write it down on piece of paper and flush it down or sail in sea.. I know it might sound dramatic but that is one way of getting it out. Especially as others don't seem to be remembering it?
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Old 06-07-2015, 08:54 AM
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That link that Anna posted is a really good one.

I know it would have meant the world to me to get an, "I'm sorry," from my mother for things that she did when I was very young. Unfortunately she died holding onto her pride and that never happened.
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Old 06-07-2015, 09:05 AM
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I am not an AA member but an Alanon member. I know in the steps of AA/alanon, it is about making amends to the people we hurt. I know that putting it on paper, acknowledging what you did and apologizing for it owns what you did and that you are sorry. You don't have to discuss it with your husband.

From an alanon perspective, we remember everything, as we lived it also. To have the A in our life recognizing the "harm" they did, is truly powerful to us. It deepens our feelings that you are owning what you have done in your life and trying to repair it. Hugs my friend, as we alanons are very good at forgiving.
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Old 06-07-2015, 10:11 AM
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Thank-you for the link Anna. I really appreciate everybody's responses. Love this board.
I would love nothing more than to apologize to my kids for the 'scene' I created that night, that would help tremendously, but I don't really know if they remember it, I don't think my youngest does. I would hate to bring up a painful memory.
I can't bring myself to tell my sisters (only family members still living).

My childhood is full of painful memories and I swore I would Never do anything like that to my children, and I did that night. I still don't know how I became that person, looking back it just kills me inside.
Thank-you all.
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Old 06-07-2015, 10:34 AM
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Well, just don't, "let it go," if it is weighing on your mind. It's important to apologize. Once I apologize, my side is clean. Then I go on to not do that again, which reinforces the amends. You don't have to mention your problem with alcohol until they are old enough to understand - but they likely remember the "scene." Knowing that it isn't going to happen again will be very comforting to them.

Apologies for bad behavior are always welcome - not only that but when your kids say, "That's okay, momma," you'll get a huge relief. Or even if they cry or whatever, it is honest healing taking place. They will love you always, but keeping your side of the street clean is important.

I had to do my forgiving without the apology from Mom. It isn't the same.
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Old 06-07-2015, 10:39 AM
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Whatever it is that you did I think all these years later you deserve a break for it! I can hear in your post how much you love your children..... I'm sure they have forgiven you. If they don't even remember or are showing signs of having been traumatized (you would know it and you would help them.)

Carrying around the shame of something that happened in the past is not doing you any favors. But I get it. I have done things that I'm not proud when I was drinking...... My kids have seen me not at my best.
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Old 06-07-2015, 10:44 AM
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You've suffered enough with the pain of what you've done.
I too can tell through your post that you have a lot of love for your children.
Please try to be easy on yourself.
Yes, you've suffered enough.
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Old 06-07-2015, 10:46 AM
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You've suffered enough with the pain of what you've done.
I too can tell through your post that you have a lot of love for your children.
Please try to be easy on yourself.
Yes, you've suffered enough.
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