Fly N Buy

Understand please - I am certainly not judging you or anyone else!!! .......just a friend

All of us have done things - heck, only by grace did I not have issue behind the wheel of a car. Nobody on SR got here in the middle of a winning streak thinking - gee, I think I'll google search my problems. Let's start with Am I an alcoholic and see what pops up!?!?

All I am saying, as others have with longer sobriety than me is we accept that problem, accept the solution (whatever yours is) and take action to change for fuller, happier - less selfish existence of a life.

That's what we are all after......
Honesty and self assessment is critical and tough.

Wholesome

You are not alone is using drugs and alcohol at work...... I've done and I'm sure a lot of other people on here have done it as well. Also I'm sure that there are lots of other people who work in medicine also struggling with addiction.

You are here and looking to change! That is the important part

As per your original post it is really hard to take a good hard look at how ones actions have affected their loved ones. The temptation to minimize and take the easy way out is huge. It is much harder to face up to our short comings. You are not alone in this struggle either. We all have out demons.

Nowsthetime

Hello:

First wof all I want to tell you that YOU can do this if it is what YOU want. If you don't like AA concepts then research AVRT or other methods that have been mentioned here. Of course you created horrible worry for your mother. She is your mom.

Now about your friends. They just got fed up with your BS and got over it. You totally lied making them look like aholes and you know what, your hubby probably believed them. Sometimes people set boundaries. You were causing them too much turmoil inside because they love you so they rather just cut it off to not be worried or hurt.

You need to get over the "not that bad", bottom of the barrel alcoholic. We come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and different patterns, but that doesn't make your problem any less bad. You say your friend "threw your life up I the air". No. You did that. You drank. You have to own up to it. Honesty is the most important thing.

Clean4Once

I have a few responses to all of this. First, i have done meetings, counseling and rehab in the past and I still was using. I learned their system and used during parts of rehab like an idiot... But i went at my husbands request, not mine. I got caught hiding some and he was furious so i appeased him. I guess it's true that i had to do it for me! Im looking into Smart and lifering but never heard of avrt except here.

Flynbuy... LOL amusing post but yes, i too believe honesty is paramount. Unfortunately, i love keeping secrets from everyone.. Like a game im trying to pull one over on everybody. I wish i wasnt like that but i LOvE being secretive!

The question I have: are the 2 friends I lost worth fighting for? I apologized to one of them and we were ok i thought but then things fell through. The friend whose baby shower i went to (1 mo after my son died) gave me no leniency. She didn't even call when i needed her most, and i spent 2 yrs talking her through the breakup of her 8 month marriage! I just wonder if it's worth it... I mean sure they may be fed up with my alcohol/drug problem but does that make it ok to not check up on a friend after their baby dies? Just wondering... I think this is something greater and less my fault than alcohol and drugs here!

least

These are classic arguments of an alcoholic. I've used them myself, so I know. Why not just accept that your drinking and using upset those close to you and show, by your actions, that you won't do that anymore?

The last sentence is classic denial and minimizing. I ought to know.

buk1000

I guess it's possible there is a lot more to it than what you have revealed here. But here's my personal take based only on what you have written here yourself:

1. It is by and large centered around your behavior relating to alcohol

2. By the title of your post you have decided how other people should behave by defining their reaction as unnecessary. You have also stated that you like to control, and this is certainly evidence of that.

3. You have stated that you like to keep secrets which can obviously be very damaging to relationships.

4. You are looking for external factors to minimize your personal responsibility for what has happened.

I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just paraphrasing your own words. All 4 of these things relate to YOUR behavior. They can all be addressed by you. What you can't control is how other people behave. You can be open with these people and honest and accept responsibility for your actions. I think you should be asking whether these relationships are important to you, not whether other people see how important you are.

Just my take. From a guy who spent years mucking up every relationship I had with friends, family or significant others while swimming in alcohol.

Clean4Once

Wow... You guys aren't big on sugar coating, eh? I am always trying to keep up appearances rather than be genuine. My front has been more important... Something I prob should change bc when people find out, they just think im a manipulator.

I compare myself so much to others that at one point early on, I thought... Im not an alcoholic bc things arent as bad as that guy... Now, i find myself saying... That guy is not an alcoholic bc he isn't as bad as me... It's all comparing everyone to me... And I know that I don't get to make those distinctions. They are petty!

Im very good at excuses... I make a great salary, I can afford anything I want pretty much. I have a nice car, a nice house, nice family, friends and husband... All of these make it easier... Thats why losing friends etc makes me angry

Ileana

"How could I be oblivious to this to problems I caused for others....."

Because you're in denial.

buk1000

Doesn't it seem that you are putting all of these things at risk? In this thread alone you have mentioned hitting your husband, using while on the job and losing close friends. I'm not sure anyone here is capable of sugar coating this.

EndGameNYC

When control becomes an issue, it often suggests inner turmoil. Since we feel that this inner turmoil is beyond our ability to control it, we then attempt to control people and things in the external world. This often results in unnecessary and self-defeating power struggles that only further degrade inner peace.

You excuse yourself for a lot of your behaviors while drinking and taking drugs, and then minimize the impact you had on other people. It was crucial for me to take full responsibility for what I did while I was drinking in order to achieve long-term sobriety.

The only other thing I'll say is that it is never up to me to decide the extent of the impact I had on other people while I was drinking.

Clean4Once

What inner turmoil may one feel? I want to change a lot of things about me and my perceptions but Ive had no luck so far and I don't know where to go from here.
My front, is responsible for my success... So it is hard to leave it behind.

ScottFromWI

Perhaps you should look as how you define success. I see a lot of pain and suffering that alchol and drugs have caused you in your posts since joining. It has caused pain and suffering to those around you too.

EndGameNYC

I can't answer that for you.

The reality is that you've certainly played a major in your success, but that you devalue that success by using it as camouflage for what's going on with you, which, I imagine, includes some internal conflict. You're losing out on appreciating and enjoying your own accomplishments.

I guess you can start by asking yourself why you need a "front," and what that front is protecting. What's going on behind the curtain?

Clean4Once

Yes Scott... Im strictly speaking professionally. Just to note, I am not currently practicing under the influence of anything. I had someone threaten some time ago on a different forum to find out who I was and report me. I don't think it is possible and nothing ever happened... But just in case someone wants to waste their time... DON'T BOTHER!

Clean4Once

I see EndGame... Ive lost sight on how to get there.

ScottFromWI

That is not my intention, and a big reason the forum is anonymous. I am referring to your need to control everything and put up a front to hide your addictions. You aren't the first to do so, and you won't be the last.

Be aware though that for most the charade eventually crumbles. Taking action before it does is still possible for you. Do you have any thoughts on how you might get started?

Clean4Once

Sorry... I wasn't accusing you of that. It's just thst last time when I opened up in a forum about working in patients while using several people got upset amd one threatened and it got out of hand. It wasnt intended or directed at you (that part)... I already told my husband that Im going back to meetings. He has asked me to for over a year on and iff. He is very supportive. Counseling and rehab wasnt too h elpful for me so I want to start by trying crosstalk meetings with smart or lifering. I was helped most by group therapy, though out of 15 of us, only 3 had addiction issues... The others had other mental illnesses like depression or bipolar or ptsd and even 'perfectionism'... Regardless, that format worked well for me. Diff is i often don't choose to talk in group therapy until forced to. They don't force you to in meetings so Im not sure ill get anything out

Nowsthetime

I think you should leave you friends alone and start worrying about your recovery. They will believe and come back if you show them, not just say stuff. It is ok for people to exit our lives sometimes and teach us lessons. I hope that you learned that a lie can be a deal breaker, specially when it is such a silly lie. You drank, they knew, why lie.

I wanted to also say something about your baby... MANY women have miscarriages but NOBODY talks about it. It is somewhat normal so please don't beat yourself up over that. The miscarriage happenend for a reason and nature has its way of taking course. Again. Do not beat yourself up over this. It's more common than you think, but it's a taboo subject.

SR doesn't sugar coat but everyone here has your best interest at heart. We understand and truly appreciate you reaching out. Eventhough I see denial and excuses, I commend you for reaching out. SR is the best mirror in my opinion.

Ruby2

No one professor's you to talk but I've noticed that people who choose not to participate are frequently the same people who have the most difficulty healing or getting and staying sober. We're only as sick as our secrets. I'm sure that you didn't love every class in dental school or college and had to force yourself to do the work to get what you wanted, right? End result was worth it? Much the same principle.

As to loving being secretive, I kept secrets to put on a face that I was in control throughout my drinking career because it was too shameful. Now my husband, who's an addict, is secretive for seemingly different reasons. It feeds and adds to his high that he's pulling something over on people. I didn't like keeping secrets. He does. It's quite destructive either way. I get viewed as a liar for mine. He's a manipulator.

If you want to maintain sobriety, I'd suggest forcing yourself to talk. It's your sobriety after all. It's not someone else's job to make you talk or participate. You get out of anything what you put in. It's a professor's job to teach a class. It's up to the student to study and absorb. If I choose to doodle on my notes for an hour, not listening, that's not the teacher's fault, is it? So when I get a C in the class and I blame the teacher for my grade, who is really at fault?

Ruby2

That is supposed to be "forces" not "professors" at the top paragraph.