Forgiving myself and moving on
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Forgiving myself and moving on
This week was interesting, I got really feeling guilty over my latest transgression on Monday. Complete dejection and remorse, but didn't really know what to do. I know many here have suggested inpatient or the Salvation Army, inpatient is not an option for me insurance won't cover it. Salvation Army is an option, but given my unique situation I would really be juggling a lot of balls with it.
I spoke with a counselor this week, and they told me not to sell myself short. From a man that used to drink daily to someone that is only drinking every couple of weeks but get real drink when he does. That should be recognized and I should feel good that I've made progress. He was quick to say weather once a month or drinking every day if it adversarial effects your life you need to stop. Find a plan and execute.
Last week, some wrote me a letter, and was like looks like you already lost your daughter and now you're going to lose your wife. You know, I am far from perfect, but look at my replies to peoples post I've never been mean or negative or anything but supportive. Have an opinion, but I don't ever log on for that or think that type of post is appropriate.
So the plan, lots of AA outpatient rehab, and getting on the right medication. You know, I have made a lot of progress, thats what bum me out the progress is coming so slow.
I know I do something many don't do here, I kind of post everything for better or worse. I post every failure and every success, and just kind of go with it. So at times I look really bad and unable to rehabilitate or like someone that isn't listening, at other times I suppose I look good and very involve.
You know I've made lots of progress, from daily drinking and delusions and paranoia to drinking a 3, 4 times a month, being medicating and no more voices or fewer and very little paranoia.
So many on here are so quick to write me off, or say something, but you know I do something many don't I post. I say it, I just say it, you know so many fall off these boards and they are lost forever, but I post because I do want to stop that is genuine, I will stop. I am not perfect but gradually getting better.
Good night sorry, for all the digression but I wanted to say a few things. Jeremy for ever and always
I spoke with a counselor this week, and they told me not to sell myself short. From a man that used to drink daily to someone that is only drinking every couple of weeks but get real drink when he does. That should be recognized and I should feel good that I've made progress. He was quick to say weather once a month or drinking every day if it adversarial effects your life you need to stop. Find a plan and execute.
Last week, some wrote me a letter, and was like looks like you already lost your daughter and now you're going to lose your wife. You know, I am far from perfect, but look at my replies to peoples post I've never been mean or negative or anything but supportive. Have an opinion, but I don't ever log on for that or think that type of post is appropriate.
So the plan, lots of AA outpatient rehab, and getting on the right medication. You know, I have made a lot of progress, thats what bum me out the progress is coming so slow.
I know I do something many don't do here, I kind of post everything for better or worse. I post every failure and every success, and just kind of go with it. So at times I look really bad and unable to rehabilitate or like someone that isn't listening, at other times I suppose I look good and very involve.
You know I've made lots of progress, from daily drinking and delusions and paranoia to drinking a 3, 4 times a month, being medicating and no more voices or fewer and very little paranoia.
So many on here are so quick to write me off, or say something, but you know I do something many don't I post. I say it, I just say it, you know so many fall off these boards and they are lost forever, but I post because I do want to stop that is genuine, I will stop. I am not perfect but gradually getting better.
Good night sorry, for all the digression but I wanted to say a few things. Jeremy for ever and always
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
One bad letter or PM doesn't mean everyone hates you or has written you off, Jeremy 
I know that all or nothing 'awfulising' kind of thinking - it's not really helpful.
Might be something to bring up with your p-doc?
D
I know that all or nothing 'awfulising' kind of thinking - it's not really helpful.
Might be something to bring up with your p-doc?
D
Last edited by Dee74; 05-09-2015 at 10:40 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy 
So many on here are so quick to write me off, or say something, but you know I do something many don't I post. I say it, I just say it, you know so many fall off these boards and they are lost forever, but I post because I do want to stop that is genuine, I will stop. I am not perfect but gradually getting better.
Most of us just say it too, don't get offended, take the highs with the lows, take ownership of your responsibilities, good luck and keep improving
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 283
this post seems to me to be explicitly designed to elicit sympathy. you know outpatient won't cut it. you need to go to rehab.
I wish you all the joy in the world - it's there waiting. apart from that, I'm out.
be well.
I wish you all the joy in the world - it's there waiting. apart from that, I'm out.
be well.
Last edited by chickippo; 05-10-2015 at 01:25 AM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Jeremy. I think you might be mistaking criticism for genuine concern and despair on your behalf.
If people didn't care, they wouldn't respond at all.
On this site, there are many many people who completely understand your relapse pattern, in fact there aren't many of us that got it the first, second, or fifteenth time of trying...there are also many people who have mental health issues, who share their life with another alcoholic, and who juggle their addiction with working long hours, family dynamics and all sorts.
Honestly we get it, and that's why your posts elicit such strong replies. You are us and we are you.
But look Jeremy...look at the stories of successful recovery despite the odds. There are hundreds. We all want you to succeed. We want you to take this seriously and do whatever it takes, because there is nothing sadder than watching one of us drowning. It hurts us all.
Your sobriety must come first, above everything else.
I wish you the best
If people didn't care, they wouldn't respond at all.
On this site, there are many many people who completely understand your relapse pattern, in fact there aren't many of us that got it the first, second, or fifteenth time of trying...there are also many people who have mental health issues, who share their life with another alcoholic, and who juggle their addiction with working long hours, family dynamics and all sorts.
Honestly we get it, and that's why your posts elicit such strong replies. You are us and we are you.
But look Jeremy...look at the stories of successful recovery despite the odds. There are hundreds. We all want you to succeed. We want you to take this seriously and do whatever it takes, because there is nothing sadder than watching one of us drowning. It hurts us all.
Your sobriety must come first, above everything else.
I wish you the best
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,086
Hi Jeremy
Like jeni said, your Recovery must come first. I have relapsed a lot and if something wasn't working, it needs to change and I think that's why so many people are encouraging you to go to inpatient.
This is a supportive place and I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and feeling good about recovery.
Like jeni said, your Recovery must come first. I have relapsed a lot and if something wasn't working, it needs to change and I think that's why so many people are encouraging you to go to inpatient.
This is a supportive place and I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and feeling good about recovery.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Oh chickippo I learned a long time ago if I want to illicit a response all I have to do is start a thread on moderation and poof response. Really this is about one guy, a mission and lots of failure.
The failure is rough, very rough, I do so well then poof I fall off, I think of myself as a person that tries so hard and then falls short a lot, its a self disappointment.
The failure is rough, very rough, I do so well then poof I fall off, I think of myself as a person that tries so hard and then falls short a lot, its a self disappointment.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy
I do something many don't I post. I say it, I just say it,
SR is full of some bad a** members who have been around the block several times sweety.you have several great responses here but you focus on just one and revisit the past. Maybe use this moment/chance to make a change in the present and try to make the past better.
majority of us here are capable to 'just say it', too.
One of my favorite quotes, unknown, "People who worry about what others think of them would be surprised at how little they did."
hope you have a great day and keep improving, we are all in this together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 246
Wishing you the best my friend, but it sounds like you are planning on using the same plan that has never worked in the past and resulted in an endless repeat loop for you. And while it is good that you don't drink as much as before, be careful of that as a trap and tool for your AV. The only thing that works for folks like us is complete abstinence.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Failure of whatever can be examined and become an awesome informed resource of what not to continue to do if it keeps bringing same kind failure. It's when failure is used as a kind of umbrella to avoid responsibility of change that failure is not being learned from. Change is an essential and required result when we learn from our mistakes.
I'm not here to criticize you Jeremy. Having said that, there are mistakes being made over and over again, and this is happening, in my opinion anyways, because real permanent change is not happening for you. I'm not saying you're in a spiral of self-sabotaging either. I am saying I don't see how after many months of struggle, you still don't seem to be able to create permanent practical change in your staying sober and in your keeping a lifestyle change in how you treat yourself.
There seems to be declarative statements, followed by struggle, followed by some kind of failure, followed by declarative statements. I'm not accusing you either. I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm just saying what I'm seeing.
I think getting your medications working well day after week after month after year is essential for both short and long term success. I also think your alcohol and drug addiction is a kind of separate responsibility and this needs to be addressed by something that also not only supports your efforts in sobriety, but also doesn't tempt you into quitting your meds when things start to work out for you.
All to often when things get going good, some persons think change doesn't need as much work as earlier. Too bad when this happens, because this is also the best time to again review what is working and keep doing it, not stop doing it. And perhaps something added can be also introduced to strengthen what is working.
I wish you every good hope Jeremy.
I'm not here to criticize you Jeremy. Having said that, there are mistakes being made over and over again, and this is happening, in my opinion anyways, because real permanent change is not happening for you. I'm not saying you're in a spiral of self-sabotaging either. I am saying I don't see how after many months of struggle, you still don't seem to be able to create permanent practical change in your staying sober and in your keeping a lifestyle change in how you treat yourself.
There seems to be declarative statements, followed by struggle, followed by some kind of failure, followed by declarative statements. I'm not accusing you either. I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm just saying what I'm seeing.
I think getting your medications working well day after week after month after year is essential for both short and long term success. I also think your alcohol and drug addiction is a kind of separate responsibility and this needs to be addressed by something that also not only supports your efforts in sobriety, but also doesn't tempt you into quitting your meds when things start to work out for you.
All to often when things get going good, some persons think change doesn't need as much work as earlier. Too bad when this happens, because this is also the best time to again review what is working and keep doing it, not stop doing it. And perhaps something added can be also introduced to strengthen what is working.
I wish you every good hope Jeremy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Thank you Robby, I must agree that is about the most spot on assessment of my behavior I've ever seen. I think the declarative statements are me trying to talk me into believing something.
My medication is not quite perfect, there is a lot that is still being tweaked and played with. Right now, its finding the balance between being a zombie and tired and lethargic and wanting to sleep all day or being foggy in the head and no showing any positive symptoms such as voices or paranoia.
The medication has come a long way, but seems as though I am constantly trading symptoms with smaller doses for side effects on higher doses.
As for the alcohol use, I've determined I use it as a coping mechanism. I am still addicted, but I've morphed that addiction. Rather then drinking daily I get on quite well as long as everything in life is good. The second something turns bad I have exactly zero in the way of coping mechanism or positive solutions so I replace that with drinking.
My medication is not quite perfect, there is a lot that is still being tweaked and played with. Right now, its finding the balance between being a zombie and tired and lethargic and wanting to sleep all day or being foggy in the head and no showing any positive symptoms such as voices or paranoia.
The medication has come a long way, but seems as though I am constantly trading symptoms with smaller doses for side effects on higher doses.
As for the alcohol use, I've determined I use it as a coping mechanism. I am still addicted, but I've morphed that addiction. Rather then drinking daily I get on quite well as long as everything in life is good. The second something turns bad I have exactly zero in the way of coping mechanism or positive solutions so I replace that with drinking.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 12
Thanks for the post Jeremy, it is nice to see other fighting through this. This will be my third rehab I will embark soon. If i can keep fighting then anyone can, hang in there man and don't ever give up. Like an old friend from aa once told me, you only fail when you stop trying. He has been sober 22 years
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