Old 05-05-2015, 01:13 PM
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I walked in. The therapist introduced herself. She asked what I wanted to talk about. I immediately start sobbing.

I'm so tired. I had no idea how tired I was until I finally asked for help. I have been carrying so much pain, so much anger. We talked about my past and present. We discussed issues I want to focus on. She laid out a general road map for me. I was honest about my drinking patterns and that even though I didn't drink often or daily, I knew it was a problem because of why I drank. I told her about my support system, including S.R.

I'm raw inside. I am tired and want to go to bed early. I cannot. I have dinner with my daughter and her boyfriend tonight. I'll smile, entertain, and be a parent. Tonight, I'm going to soak in a bubble bath, I'm going to cry some more. And then I'm going to sleep.

The upcoming days are going to hurt but everything already hurts and I'm so tired of pretending things don't. I'm tired of being "on" all of the time. I cannot do it anymore. My desire to present a high functioning, happy, stable fascade to the world is destroying me.

I'm doing better than I was in some areas. I'm falling apart in others. But I asked for help and I'm getting it.

I've said it many times: I don't only want sobriety, I want recovery. Today, I finally took one of the biggest steps to achieving that.

I'll be sticking close to S.R. for a while. I'll be writing more. I'll be working my plan daily.

Even though it hurts so much right now, I'm also relieved. I am so relieved to finally be on a path towards wellness.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:17 PM
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That's amazing Tennant. The only why through is through, right? You can do it! You've inspired me today. :-)
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:21 PM
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That's great news TS, sometimes we have to poke at old wounds and get it all out there on the table before it gets better. Healing hurts sometimes...but It's worth it in the long run.

My first meeting with a therapist in my life was about a month ago too - and when he asked me what my "goal" was for our time together, I really didn't have answer...but we are figuring it out. Hope you can too.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:24 PM
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Glad you are taking the steps needed to heal. Good work.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:29 PM
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Great news TennantSmith!!
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:30 PM
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I identified with this so very much. The sudden realization that you are so very, very tired and the need to be "on" all the time. Good for you that you went to counseling. That's terrific. Thank you for posting this.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:37 PM
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I hope it helps, you deserve it.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:42 PM
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Good for you. I think I bawled for the first three sessions straight. But it was healing, that is for sure.

Be proud of yourself that you are choosing to deal with pain and anger, that is a great step.

SR is always here for you!
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Good for you. I think I bawled for the first three sessions straight. But it was healing, that is for sure.

Be proud of yourself that you are choosing to deal with pain and anger, that is a great step.

SR is always here for you!
Most definitely. I've known for a while I needed to ask for help. I kept making excuses. I wasn't ready to fully open myself up. I came here, I posted, received support beyond my expectations and that's was the push I needed. I learned here at SR that I am valuable, that I contribute, that it's okay for me to feel and ask for help. I'm so grateful to SR for that.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:49 PM
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That is absolutely wonderful. I know that counseling made a huge difference in my life, as has SR.

When we have troubles, regardless of what they are, we have a choice. Deal with them, which will be painful but will bring relief in the end, or continue to bury them, which will only bring more toxicity to our lives.

You are a great example of taking control of that and not letting it take control of you!!!!
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:03 PM
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Hi TennantSmith.

So glad to hear you went to counseling!
I've started formal therapy a couple months sober (over a year ago) first time in my life... which, for me, is kinda bizarre given that psychology has been one of my life-long interests since my teens. There is a lot to say about why it did not happen earlier but what I want to share more is how it's become one in my ~top 5 activities in sobriety. Sort of like a hobby, with benefits

I've seen three different therapists so far. The very first one was "assigned" to me based on an initial evaluation by an institution, and I did not feel it was a good choice for me so I looked for another one shortly. That ended up being a really great team with someone very compatible, we worked on many things, some purely emotional and some practical (as well). I seem to be experiencing lasting effects with some of this work, so I am very grateful. We also had a few conflicts that were weird but in the grand scheme, only added to the productivity of the therapeutic relationship. I now have someone else, a bit over two months, and... well, it has not been long but I can tell this is going to be some truly in-depth work... he uses an framework that is similar to my first therapist's, but far more holistic and analytical. It really, really clicks with me even though sometimes it gets overwhelming and I get obsessed with it. I also appreciate very much that he is willing to do Skype sessions with me when I travel (I travel frequently).

Yes, getting sober and doing serious self-work always has many tiring moments, I think. When I am feeling overwhelmed with self work, sometimes I think *** it why am doing all this ***?! But it always comes back to my curiosity, that I am genuinely interested in both the knowledge and the practical implications. I think when we feel tired, it's a good idea to give ourselves a little break (not from sobriety of course) and let ourselves just "be", whatever it is.

Congrats on your progress and I wish you all the best
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:07 PM
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"I don't only want sobriety. I want recovery."


I'm so proud of you.
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:27 PM
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What a great step, TS. Healing comes in so many ways and from so many sources; you are identifying and utilizing what works for you. Here's to the strong recovery you seek and deserve.
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Old 05-05-2015, 03:03 PM
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I have cried in a counselling session before i think its the beginning of getting it out and working through it

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