Cocaine! Now I am confused!
FOOLISH MAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NW England/Lanzarote
Posts: 22
Cocaine! Now I am confused!
I have just done a search on the keyword Cocaine!
I have been a user for approx 18 months, it started small then eventually became quite excesive. I was in a depressed state and the coke took me out, unfourtunately it took me to another addiction SEX! (I was already high on natural urges anyway, yet I kept faithful) now I am in a relationship, no sorry! was in a relationship (11 years, 2 children etc) now it has gone! my cocaine useage is nil (24 days), I don't crave it, yet I can't answer the question? "if it was in front of me and no one would ever know if I took it, what would I do?"
To be honest, I do not know the answer!
Would you say I was an addict?
The thought of what I had and lost just kills me, I have thought of suicide but only because I am struggling with the loss of my partner and children.
My partner dismisses my sexual actions from the effect of cocaine has just an excuse, yet I know from post reading that cocaine and sexual promiscuity go hand in hand with a lot of users (bad speller by the way!)
How can I convince my partner, who says she still loves me! that cocaine had an adverse affect on my actions with relation to my monogamy
Does all that make any sense?
Solace.
getting more and more confused has I delve into this forum!
I have been a user for approx 18 months, it started small then eventually became quite excesive. I was in a depressed state and the coke took me out, unfourtunately it took me to another addiction SEX! (I was already high on natural urges anyway, yet I kept faithful) now I am in a relationship, no sorry! was in a relationship (11 years, 2 children etc) now it has gone! my cocaine useage is nil (24 days), I don't crave it, yet I can't answer the question? "if it was in front of me and no one would ever know if I took it, what would I do?"
To be honest, I do not know the answer!
Would you say I was an addict?
The thought of what I had and lost just kills me, I have thought of suicide but only because I am struggling with the loss of my partner and children.
My partner dismisses my sexual actions from the effect of cocaine has just an excuse, yet I know from post reading that cocaine and sexual promiscuity go hand in hand with a lot of users (bad speller by the way!)
How can I convince my partner, who says she still loves me! that cocaine had an adverse affect on my actions with relation to my monogamy
Does all that make any sense?
Solace.
getting more and more confused has I delve into this forum!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
The confusion ended for me once I was honest with myself.
I'm an addict and an alcoholic. I abuse substances.
Some people who use cocaine, or other stimulants for that matter, act out on their sexual fantasies.
Sounds like you did.
Own that, deal with it, and move on.
I'm an addict and an alcoholic. I abuse substances.
Some people who use cocaine, or other stimulants for that matter, act out on their sexual fantasies.
Sounds like you did.
Own that, deal with it, and move on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: California
Posts: 26
Don't try to convince her, just change, just be different. She'll see it in you. You're goodness will come shining through. In my experience, whenever I have tried to convince someone of something by (somewhat) forcing it upon them, it's only griven them further away. Be patient! Be patient! Be patient!
I am an alcoholic and only two days sober. I am in no position to be giving anyone "advice" about their addiction, but I think that I can lend a hand to your desire to want to quickly "fix" everything. I'm a fixer too and I can only tell you what's worked for me. Patience.
Glad you're here and sharing too. Stay sober. Keep posting.
I am an alcoholic and only two days sober. I am in no position to be giving anyone "advice" about their addiction, but I think that I can lend a hand to your desire to want to quickly "fix" everything. I'm a fixer too and I can only tell you what's worked for me. Patience.
Glad you're here and sharing too. Stay sober. Keep posting.
FOOLISH MAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NW England/Lanzarote
Posts: 22
Again I say thanks to the people who can see that I see the errors of my ways, for those of you who want to comment with the likes of MOVE ON are obviously not understanding my true feelings, not wanting to stop anyones opinion but read my post and comment accordingly!
Solace.
Solace.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Moving on is key to recovery. You'll learn to do the best you can, be honest in all your affairs, and with time, the feelings on both sides will be re-established as it's meant to be. Don't try to hard, work on one day at a time, try to find a means of support in your area if you've made the decision you have addiction issues.
Remember, here, we can't hear the tone in your voice, see your facial expressions, and get your body language. Please remember people are only trying to help to the best of their ability, in how they see it, feel it, and share their own experiance.
Remember, here, we can't hear the tone in your voice, see your facial expressions, and get your body language. Please remember people are only trying to help to the best of their ability, in how they see it, feel it, and share their own experiance.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I am glad you are clean. I hope you are working a program it will help you to change in ways you wouldn't believe.
As a person who lives with an addict who was unfaithfull I understand how your partner feels. Actions speak louder than words. Get on with your recovery. Maybe she will be able to see real changes and have a change of heart.
Infidelity is very hard to over come. Being patronized becomes irrating. So don't do that. Take care of your responsibilities and stay clean. I am sure she feels guilt too and she probably feels like her feminity(sp?) has been greatly discounted and disrespected. How could she maintain any self respect without feeling indignant about the whole thing?
Maybe you could suggest naranon to her it might help her to get free of some of the negative feelings she has.
As a person who lives with an addict who was unfaithfull I understand how your partner feels. Actions speak louder than words. Get on with your recovery. Maybe she will be able to see real changes and have a change of heart.
Infidelity is very hard to over come. Being patronized becomes irrating. So don't do that. Take care of your responsibilities and stay clean. I am sure she feels guilt too and she probably feels like her feminity(sp?) has been greatly discounted and disrespected. How could she maintain any self respect without feeling indignant about the whole thing?
Maybe you could suggest naranon to her it might help her to get free of some of the negative feelings she has.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Well,
Solace, it may be a fact that your sexuality was affected by your usage of cocain but that could not be proven to be a direct fact, only because all cocain users may not have taken that route. So that explanation is not an absolute fact. I can see how she would say that it was an excuse and deep inside it just may be a way that you want to give that as being a reason for acting out sexually. I agree with the others, it is hard trying to give reason to past actions for ourselves and others, so the result of the response would be for you just to move on/her to work on her own resolutions...somethings are just better left agreed to be disagreed.
Take care.
Solace, it may be a fact that your sexuality was affected by your usage of cocain but that could not be proven to be a direct fact, only because all cocain users may not have taken that route. So that explanation is not an absolute fact. I can see how she would say that it was an excuse and deep inside it just may be a way that you want to give that as being a reason for acting out sexually. I agree with the others, it is hard trying to give reason to past actions for ourselves and others, so the result of the response would be for you just to move on/her to work on her own resolutions...somethings are just better left agreed to be disagreed.
Take care.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Will reply with Move on as well.
Move on meaning... it was yesterday. You can't change it but you can change what today brings. Move to the next step. Rather then searchin for reasons or excuses, move on to the steps that will help fix things.
For me the next step was winning back the trust but I needed to look at me, accept who I was so I could see where the changes were needed.
Work the steps of recovery is how we move on.
Move on meaning... it was yesterday. You can't change it but you can change what today brings. Move to the next step. Rather then searchin for reasons or excuses, move on to the steps that will help fix things.
For me the next step was winning back the trust but I needed to look at me, accept who I was so I could see where the changes were needed.
Work the steps of recovery is how we move on.
FOOLISH MAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NW England/Lanzarote
Posts: 22
I disagree with the last two statements.
If I have made mistakes whilst in a conscience state then I will accept my punishment.
If I was drunk and struck out at someone, yet woke in the morning not knowing what I had done? would I be held responsible?
Cocaine is no different, You are in a state above your normal state, so how can you be in control?
I messed up and I intend to put things right, I was not in a conscience state of mind!
Is that a fair statement?
If I have made mistakes whilst in a conscience state then I will accept my punishment.
If I was drunk and struck out at someone, yet woke in the morning not knowing what I had done? would I be held responsible?
Cocaine is no different, You are in a state above your normal state, so how can you be in control?
I messed up and I intend to put things right, I was not in a conscience state of mind!
Is that a fair statement?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Solace
If I was drunk and struck out at someone, yet woke in the morning not knowing what I had done? would I be held responsible?
Alcohol, cocaine, all the same.
We have to own our behavior before anything else can happen in terms of recovery. Part of owning my behavior was to drop my denial filters and accept what I had done. Once that was done, I got on with the business of living in today. Yesterday is long gone, every 24 hours.
It's not about punishment. As long as you beat yourself up over what happened, you're basically in a static mode, not moving forward, and more importantly, in my opinion, not healing.
knucklehead
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: earth
Posts: 694
Solace, do I understand you right. Are you saying when you choose to use cocaine. You are not responsible for your actions while under the influence of the drug? That you should be absolved of your actions while you are high? I am not a lawer but I dont think your argument would hold up in a court of law.
FOOLISH MAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NW England/Lanzarote
Posts: 22
You are missing my point, insanity is an acceptable reason in any court of law, to be honest, whilst on cocaine you body chemistry is not at a natural balance! is that not the same or similar the the chemical balance in a person who is not sane?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Solace,
I do believe, as I have been watching one Court tv that they have pretty much done away with insanity plea's.. I could be mistaken in my observation...that is always a possibility for us all.
The point that you are missing is that it was actually "your" choice to use. Which puts the responsibility of consequence on you. Not the DOC.
Someone drunk can not blame Jack Daniels for an accident. Nor could the courts.
Sorry but we's think you are missing the point about the addict.
Just think about it a little bit longer, you may or may not come to see what we are saying. Then it will just become our own personal points of views.
Take care.
I do believe, as I have been watching one Court tv that they have pretty much done away with insanity plea's.. I could be mistaken in my observation...that is always a possibility for us all.
The point that you are missing is that it was actually "your" choice to use. Which puts the responsibility of consequence on you. Not the DOC.
Someone drunk can not blame Jack Daniels for an accident. Nor could the courts.
Sorry but we's think you are missing the point about the addict.
Just think about it a little bit longer, you may or may not come to see what we are saying. Then it will just become our own personal points of views.
Take care.
FOOLISH MAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NW England/Lanzarote
Posts: 22
The choice to take any substance in a normal state of mind is acceptable!
The choice to take a substance in a depressed state of mind cannot be the same!
I am sure that a lot of depressed people who have taken their own lives, may! if given a choice! in hindsight! would still be Alive!
Surely someone somewhere can see my opinion! its by no means an excuse but it could be a reason?
The choice to take a substance in a depressed state of mind cannot be the same!
I am sure that a lot of depressed people who have taken their own lives, may! if given a choice! in hindsight! would still be Alive!
Surely someone somewhere can see my opinion! its by no means an excuse but it could be a reason?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Solace, I can rationalize just about anything. I'm real good at it too.
I'm an addict. Avoiding responsibility is what I do best.
Sorry man. Depression or not, wrong choices of the past, and their consequences, must be owned and addressed before you can even start thinking about recovery.
The longer you obsess about your mate and what she believes, the longer you're going to hit your head on the wall.
I'm an addict. Avoiding responsibility is what I do best.
Sorry man. Depression or not, wrong choices of the past, and their consequences, must be owned and addressed before you can even start thinking about recovery.
The longer you obsess about your mate and what she believes, the longer you're going to hit your head on the wall.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Solace, we will be here waiting for you, when and if you come to the point of owning. You did state that you are confused, didn't you? We can only offer to you in this arena what we know. Unfortunately depression is a horrible thing for anyone to experience....but they have other things to offer someone who is depressed other than cocaine. And one has other choices to choose from as well.
Have you been to any meetings? Just curious.
Have you been to any meetings? Just curious.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: texas
Posts: 117
Hi Solace,
I understand what you're saying. If you're clinically depressed, then that's all I need to hear. I hope that you're seeking and finding loving support for your condition. Maybe a trusted friend or family member can help you sort out your feelings. Your feelings are not wrong and you should be able to express them freely to someone you trust. Write your feelings down everyday in a journal if that helps you.
Also, if your s/o feels betrayed...those are her feelings..and you probably shouldn't dispute them. Her leaving you requires no reason for you to exit life. Your s/o didn't wake up one day and leave you. Her decision to exit has been manifesting itself over time and now it's going to take time for her to heal. And you need time to heal as well. This is probably a good time for you to reflect and try to come to terms with what is happening. It's not going to be easy to sort out your feelings. Please try. I think your s/o and children need you more than you think...but you're going to have to make some changes. I wish you the best of luck and you're in my prayers today.
I understand what you're saying. If you're clinically depressed, then that's all I need to hear. I hope that you're seeking and finding loving support for your condition. Maybe a trusted friend or family member can help you sort out your feelings. Your feelings are not wrong and you should be able to express them freely to someone you trust. Write your feelings down everyday in a journal if that helps you.
Also, if your s/o feels betrayed...those are her feelings..and you probably shouldn't dispute them. Her leaving you requires no reason for you to exit life. Your s/o didn't wake up one day and leave you. Her decision to exit has been manifesting itself over time and now it's going to take time for her to heal. And you need time to heal as well. This is probably a good time for you to reflect and try to come to terms with what is happening. It's not going to be easy to sort out your feelings. Please try. I think your s/o and children need you more than you think...but you're going to have to make some changes. I wish you the best of luck and you're in my prayers today.
Charlie's Angel
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
Well when my AH was doing drugs, I absolutely never wanted to have sex let alone him near me. It changes things so much, I don't feel loved, he treated me like I was a ****, it was hard, and it seemed as if he was there with me, but someone else. Heck no I wouldn't make love with him knowing that was how it was going to be everytime he used.
You want someone to understand where you are coming from, but you need to understand where your s/o other is coming from. You have probably drained her and you may not think so, but her feelings are her feelings. My AH is in recovery going on 11 months, but I still sometimes wonder if I should've stayed gone because I am afraid he will relapse, but AH understands my feelings, he understands what he has put me through and doesn't fault me for feeling the way I do. You will maybe understand when you get yourself together her feelings.
You want someone to understand where you are coming from, but you need to understand where your s/o other is coming from. You have probably drained her and you may not think so, but her feelings are her feelings. My AH is in recovery going on 11 months, but I still sometimes wonder if I should've stayed gone because I am afraid he will relapse, but AH understands my feelings, he understands what he has put me through and doesn't fault me for feeling the way I do. You will maybe understand when you get yourself together her feelings.
Charlie's Angel
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
According to my AH, when you get yourself together, life gets better even when there are downfalls, but now he can handle those downfalls a lot better than he could if he wasn't in recovery. Take care of yourself.
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