Alice Wonder

hey (((solace)))- maybe MOVE ON should read --MOVE AWAY FROM...that's what i always say to myself when i really F*** things up....as you can't change the past. you are right that chemicals alter and change us... but i always have to tell myself that the actions i took under the influence were "me" as i CHOSE to be under the influence in the first place--- so maybe i was not the "me" i want to be-but it was defintitely "me" in my body doing these things and maybe this is not the sum total of who i am but definitely something that was hiding under the bed waiting to come out. it sounds to me like you surprised yourself and are ashamed that you acted out something and hurt someone. that is what i call "the playing with fire" stage of addiction. so Dan is right, MOVE ON or MOVE AWAY FROM... what difference does it make whether it was chemicals or some hidden impulse right here right now? drugs and alcohol are not logical so give yourself a break and turn off your brain if you can...what is important right now is that you take steps toward your own personal happiness- thanks for sharing and keep posting. there is a lot of love and support here and great advice! love-alice

Chy

Poor Solace*hugs*
I think your spinning your wheels trying to form some reasonable and justifiable reason for you addictive behavior which led you to making poor choices, allowing your addictive tendancies to run free will and now, you want to know why. Thats acceptable, we all wondered why, but soon learn in recovery it's pointless.

We can no longer dwell on the horrors of our addictions, the horrible guilt we carry(ied) because of our behavior and all those situations we wish we could take back, criticize ourselves, and then decide the day we quit, there has to be a reasonable explanation, other than "I'm an addict or alcoholic or both"

The explanation reveals itself to us as we mature in sobriety, and is no longer a part of us we wish to further explore, though we never forget, we DO learn to let go, and move on. Once you own you behavior, your choices, accept the unacceptable and quit trying to rationalize your choices, you too WILL move on, learn to mend those fences by making living amends. It all takes time.

Solace

Thanks everyone, I will be around for a while, that I am sure, but I think I need time to think! I will keep watching, but "reasons" for my actions I need to find!



Solace

kckman

Solace, The answer is out there or maybe it is with in. You will find it. Dont give up. It might be so obvious that you cant or wont see it for what it is. Keep us posted.

usatoday

Hi Solace,
I can't help but think that important and trusted people have let you down somewhere in your past.
Hugs

best

Yes a fair statement and you can see it is also a working of the steps.

2Sunshine

Solace,

We will be here waiting to continue helping and supporting you along the way, heck that's what friends are for even if they are virtual ones. Glad to hear that you are taking time to do some inventory and once you understand that your *actions* were all apart of the whole of the matter, maybe you will be able to release it.

We all seek to understand....keep seeking and you will find and you will have the consolation in your heart, mind and soul that you have been longing for.

Somethings we just need to forgive ourselves for........you might want to try that one and then you may be able to ask for forgiveness from your s/o once you get a grip on it all. Find some support to help you through it all----I hear that the Anon meetings are great and work wonders for people in our SR community....Have you tried any?

Wishing you all the best in your journey.

Solace

Thanks all!

Just got back in uk. Not happy, want the next plane out BUT! no where to go!

Anny travel agents out there? got the money yet STILL unhappy!

Open to offers of help!



Solace!