NA - Don't Fit In and can't find sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
NA - Don't Fit In and can't find sponsor
Hi there, I am looking for some advice!
I am a methamphetamine user of 20+ years in a professional job (computer scientist)
I've been to every NA meeting in my city several times over many months but feel I don't fit in. I've experienced discrimination and isolation in rooms full of young people in jeans when I turn up after work in a suit. Very few people speak to me.
I stand out and sit alone while other members socialise.
I've read the chapters on 'seeking similarities not differences' in the NA literature, I've read the stories of the surgeons who eventually found a home - but the reality of what I am experiencing doesn't bear out the 'NA makes everyone feel welcome' mantra.
Some members have made me feel very welcome but it is rare. I haven't met anyone that I would feel comfortable with as a sponsor, but I desperately am looking for a sponsor.
I have thought about seeking a remote sponsor, or one online despite it being frowned upon etc.
I have even tried AA - but couldn't relate my experiences to them.
Any advice appreciated..
Thanks
J.
I am a methamphetamine user of 20+ years in a professional job (computer scientist)
I've been to every NA meeting in my city several times over many months but feel I don't fit in. I've experienced discrimination and isolation in rooms full of young people in jeans when I turn up after work in a suit. Very few people speak to me.
I stand out and sit alone while other members socialise.
I've read the chapters on 'seeking similarities not differences' in the NA literature, I've read the stories of the surgeons who eventually found a home - but the reality of what I am experiencing doesn't bear out the 'NA makes everyone feel welcome' mantra.
Some members have made me feel very welcome but it is rare. I haven't met anyone that I would feel comfortable with as a sponsor, but I desperately am looking for a sponsor.
I have thought about seeking a remote sponsor, or one online despite it being frowned upon etc.
I have even tried AA - but couldn't relate my experiences to them.
Any advice appreciated..
Thanks
J.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
First, welcome and glad you have joined
many here in SR seeking answers for
addiction and learning new healthy ways to
move forward in life without our drug of
choice.
My drug of choice was alcohol, but whether
it be that or other forms of drugs, it is all
poison that has done so much damage to
our minds, body and souls.
I began my recovery journey in rehab 24
yrs. ago, not by choice, but nevertheless,
im grateful it happened. Some 24yrs. of
many one days at a time added together
listening, learning, absorbing and applying
many useful, helpful knowledge and tools
of a recovery program to my everyday life
has kept me sober thus so far living a healthy,
happy, honest life.
I, like so many before me, felt the same
exact way as you do. We didn't feel like
we belonged in those rooms of AA or NA.
I always felt like I wasn't like them because
I hadn't lost everything, when really I almost
lost my life prior to rehab when family
intervened on me when I tried to end my
loser of a life as a mom and wife.
It was them doing for me what I couldn't do
for myself.
After my 28 instay rehab with a 6 week
aftercare program attached, my journey
in life continued on sober attending AA
meetings, Big Book Studies, Step Studies,
AA Conventions etc. The more I went
as I hid behind others, sat in the back,
not trying to be noticed, I listened, learned,
absorbed and applied all that I could
to the best of my ability each day I
remained sober.
My sponsor was someone I asked to
be my sponsor while in rehab as a
temporary sponsor who then became
my official sponsor and was never
replaced, was someone I followed
in her footsteps.
I liked what she had in recovery. It
was by her actions that I admire the
most as it spoke volumes to me. She
did a lot of service work for others
which kept her strong in her own
recovery.
I like that and wanted what she had.
So I began baking and bringing trays
of goodies as my way of Service Work
until folks began to see me each and
every meeting I went to. It was my way
of doing something for others and kept
me returning to meetings to conintue
to learn how to remain sober each day.
Its hard for the newcomer to get fully
noticed at first even tho it is said we
are the most important person in those
rooms.
So many folks come in with the desire
to remain sober or clean, learn a few
steps and return to old habits and they
are right back out drinking or using.
Many have come in and accept, admit
to their addiction and are ready to make
many healthy changes in their life to
remain sober or clean. They plow thru
each day for a many one days at a time,
no matter what happens in life, they
follow suggestions and hang on tight
to many who learned how to remain sober
or clean for as long as they have.
Once they learn how to do that, with
so much appreciation and gratefulness
they turn around and pass on all that
knowledge that was passed on to them
to the newcomer and those with the
desire to want that freedom from the
bondage of addiction. To live life with
a freedom so many have experienced
in recovery and life.
If you have that desire and willingness
to do what is necessary to remain clean
or sober then hang on tight with an
openmind and follow suggestions from
many who began right where you are
at to learn how to remain health, happy
and honest for yrs to come.
We are here for you and never hesitate
to ask for what you need for guidance
and direction in ur new recovery journey.
many here in SR seeking answers for
addiction and learning new healthy ways to
move forward in life without our drug of
choice.
My drug of choice was alcohol, but whether
it be that or other forms of drugs, it is all
poison that has done so much damage to
our minds, body and souls.
I began my recovery journey in rehab 24
yrs. ago, not by choice, but nevertheless,
im grateful it happened. Some 24yrs. of
many one days at a time added together
listening, learning, absorbing and applying
many useful, helpful knowledge and tools
of a recovery program to my everyday life
has kept me sober thus so far living a healthy,
happy, honest life.
I, like so many before me, felt the same
exact way as you do. We didn't feel like
we belonged in those rooms of AA or NA.
I always felt like I wasn't like them because
I hadn't lost everything, when really I almost
lost my life prior to rehab when family
intervened on me when I tried to end my
loser of a life as a mom and wife.
It was them doing for me what I couldn't do
for myself.
After my 28 instay rehab with a 6 week
aftercare program attached, my journey
in life continued on sober attending AA
meetings, Big Book Studies, Step Studies,
AA Conventions etc. The more I went
as I hid behind others, sat in the back,
not trying to be noticed, I listened, learned,
absorbed and applied all that I could
to the best of my ability each day I
remained sober.
My sponsor was someone I asked to
be my sponsor while in rehab as a
temporary sponsor who then became
my official sponsor and was never
replaced, was someone I followed
in her footsteps.
I liked what she had in recovery. It
was by her actions that I admire the
most as it spoke volumes to me. She
did a lot of service work for others
which kept her strong in her own
recovery.
I like that and wanted what she had.
So I began baking and bringing trays
of goodies as my way of Service Work
until folks began to see me each and
every meeting I went to. It was my way
of doing something for others and kept
me returning to meetings to conintue
to learn how to remain sober each day.
Its hard for the newcomer to get fully
noticed at first even tho it is said we
are the most important person in those
rooms.
So many folks come in with the desire
to remain sober or clean, learn a few
steps and return to old habits and they
are right back out drinking or using.
Many have come in and accept, admit
to their addiction and are ready to make
many healthy changes in their life to
remain sober or clean. They plow thru
each day for a many one days at a time,
no matter what happens in life, they
follow suggestions and hang on tight
to many who learned how to remain sober
or clean for as long as they have.
Once they learn how to do that, with
so much appreciation and gratefulness
they turn around and pass on all that
knowledge that was passed on to them
to the newcomer and those with the
desire to want that freedom from the
bondage of addiction. To live life with
a freedom so many have experienced
in recovery and life.
If you have that desire and willingness
to do what is necessary to remain clean
or sober then hang on tight with an
openmind and follow suggestions from
many who began right where you are
at to learn how to remain health, happy
and honest for yrs to come.
We are here for you and never hesitate
to ask for what you need for guidance
and direction in ur new recovery journey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
I went to a few NA meetings years ago. I was 25 and everyone else there was 40+. Needless to say, I had nothing in common with them (except addiction). As a result, I stopped going. I moved to another city where I lost access to drugs and that pretty much ended that. Unfortunately I turned to alcohol. Sorry this probably isn't helpful, but I did want to share I understand the feeling of not fitting in.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
if you get to enough AA or NA meetings, you will eventually hear your story.....
maybe go to a few more meetings for now, your life and sobriety might depend on it and if not, you'll at least have a few more days clean and sober!
maybe go to a few more meetings for now, your life and sobriety might depend on it and if not, you'll at least have a few more days clean and sober!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
Thanks for your responses, and for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it.
I've sat in those rooms for months trying to relate to the people who mainly come from rehab centres and freshly out of prison.. Don't get me wrong I have done years in prison myself when I first started using 20 years ago - but I've moved so far past that story now. It's like trying to get help from a former version of yourself..
My addiction hasn't been a simple story of decline, just of constant use. There has been peaks and troughs. The only constant is that I cannot stop for any length of time.
Despite what the literature claims the classic addict is like, I've learned to manage my using over these years to avoid ending up on the streets. But I know one day the next needle will kill me.
Despite the literature saying that all addiction is the same disease I have come to believe that it is not. Clearly there are highly functioning addicts for whom their addiction doesn't end in 'deaths, dereliction and institutions'. Worse, they suffer a lifetime of misery and deceit with no end in sight.
The notion of a 'rock bottom' that leads to recovery is another concept I would challenge as one that not all addicts experience. Many addicts do live to a ripe old age without experiencing many of the issues that the NA literature says is common to all addicts.
What I'm getting at here is that I'm starting to think that NA caters for a particular type of addict, maybe the most common one, but that type of addict might not be me.
I am desperately trying to connect with this program as the spiritual aspect of the steps did give me a lot of benefit but I know without a sponsor etc it is going to be very difficult to stick to.
I do want to stop using drugs. Right now I have the concept of a higher power and prayer but there is noone in the fellowship in my area that has a similar story to me.
Am I alone in the thoughts I've posted here?
I've sat in those rooms for months trying to relate to the people who mainly come from rehab centres and freshly out of prison.. Don't get me wrong I have done years in prison myself when I first started using 20 years ago - but I've moved so far past that story now. It's like trying to get help from a former version of yourself..
My addiction hasn't been a simple story of decline, just of constant use. There has been peaks and troughs. The only constant is that I cannot stop for any length of time.
Despite what the literature claims the classic addict is like, I've learned to manage my using over these years to avoid ending up on the streets. But I know one day the next needle will kill me.
Despite the literature saying that all addiction is the same disease I have come to believe that it is not. Clearly there are highly functioning addicts for whom their addiction doesn't end in 'deaths, dereliction and institutions'. Worse, they suffer a lifetime of misery and deceit with no end in sight.
The notion of a 'rock bottom' that leads to recovery is another concept I would challenge as one that not all addicts experience. Many addicts do live to a ripe old age without experiencing many of the issues that the NA literature says is common to all addicts.
What I'm getting at here is that I'm starting to think that NA caters for a particular type of addict, maybe the most common one, but that type of addict might not be me.
I am desperately trying to connect with this program as the spiritual aspect of the steps did give me a lot of benefit but I know without a sponsor etc it is going to be very difficult to stick to.
I do want to stop using drugs. Right now I have the concept of a higher power and prayer but there is noone in the fellowship in my area that has a similar story to me.
Am I alone in the thoughts I've posted here?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
You are an addict who can't quit. I am not sure how "different" you are, but the point of similarities are shared in the rooms. If NA isn't working, it isn't working. Maybe a stint in rehab will provide the kick start you need to your recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
J,
when i decided to pursue the 12-step way, i checked out oodles of meetings, none where i felt i really "fit" without leaving big chunks of me at the door.
part of that was me, of course, but there are really meetings where it's not me but the demographics of the meeting.
after doing this dozens of times (yes, really), i found a meeting which sounded perfect. i could bring "all of me", so to speak.
i walked into that room where everyone, no kidding: EVERYONE , was under thirty. i'm 59. they're cool and hip or goth or jaded or alternative or w.t.h. and we're all queer and here i am, old-feeling, different generation, drank for longer than they've been alive, maintained my "dose" without some of the horrific "bottoms" most everyone there has hit, have two kids where no-one else in that room does, have been sober years without a "program" ...blahblahblah...you know? i don't fit. and i don't know how to talk with them much, nor they with me. one person came up to me my first time there and gave me her number and i told her thanks but i would never use it but thanks none-the-less.
she was the only one to speak to me.
nonetheless, there were people there who had what i wanted. i could see it. certainly the woman who made the effort had something i wanted.
i went back.
i shared some about feeling different and about my journey so far. i became i member. i took on a small service position. i spoke up at the business meeting about how the meeting could be more inclusive. we've made some changes.
what i'm saying is that part of this was up to me. no doubt about it. and that sharing myself there has been a positive for EVERYONE in that room. and that you're not your suit any more than they are their jeans.
if it's really not for you, then it isn't.
but if there's good stuff there you see and want, then persevere and look at what you might be contributing to the disconnects and what you might be able to change about that.
when i decided to pursue the 12-step way, i checked out oodles of meetings, none where i felt i really "fit" without leaving big chunks of me at the door.
part of that was me, of course, but there are really meetings where it's not me but the demographics of the meeting.
after doing this dozens of times (yes, really), i found a meeting which sounded perfect. i could bring "all of me", so to speak.
i walked into that room where everyone, no kidding: EVERYONE , was under thirty. i'm 59. they're cool and hip or goth or jaded or alternative or w.t.h. and we're all queer and here i am, old-feeling, different generation, drank for longer than they've been alive, maintained my "dose" without some of the horrific "bottoms" most everyone there has hit, have two kids where no-one else in that room does, have been sober years without a "program" ...blahblahblah...you know? i don't fit. and i don't know how to talk with them much, nor they with me. one person came up to me my first time there and gave me her number and i told her thanks but i would never use it but thanks none-the-less.
she was the only one to speak to me.
nonetheless, there were people there who had what i wanted. i could see it. certainly the woman who made the effort had something i wanted.
i went back.
i shared some about feeling different and about my journey so far. i became i member. i took on a small service position. i spoke up at the business meeting about how the meeting could be more inclusive. we've made some changes.
what i'm saying is that part of this was up to me. no doubt about it. and that sharing myself there has been a positive for EVERYONE in that room. and that you're not your suit any more than they are their jeans.
if it's really not for you, then it isn't.
but if there's good stuff there you see and want, then persevere and look at what you might be contributing to the disconnects and what you might be able to change about that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Twelve step programs, whether NA or AA or any-other-A, are completely different meeting to meeting, city to city, region to region... If you've gone to every NA meeting in your community, and have even tried AA, and haven't felt any identification or benefit or relief at finding others "like you" then I'd say you might need to accept that you'll need to develop your own individual "program" to support quitting.
I'm atypical as an addict/alcoholic (I know everyone says that, but that's ok - atypical for the 12 step programs, but not on this site...). I also didn't have a very low bottom, am professional, etc. This kept me from sobriety for many years. I've gone to many meetings in my community, and there is only one were I feel an identification with people. So, at this point, 8 months in - that's the single meeting that I attend each week.
There are many folks on this website who don't attend 12 step meetings at all. You can create any combination of supports to build your recovery. Fitness, therapy or counselling, religion, 12 step programs, yoga, meditation group, reading, journalling, running, volunteer work, etc. You can make a personal commitment to checking in regularly and posting on this website to satisfy the need for a community of people who understand recovery. You can do the steps or use the program literature on your own.
If you tried NA, and it doesn't fit for you - no big deal. Many people on this website have come to the same conclusion for themselves.
But don't use that discomfort with your local NA community be a reason/excuse not to get clean. My advice would be - don't get stuck there...it is an easy place to get stuck and say "I am different; this won't work for me" and so abandon any intention of sobriety...
Be creative. Quit anyway. Quit today. Build your own support network and stay busy. Grow yourself. It is a worthy journey, and there is no point in going in circles, waiting to be comfortable in NA so you can quit. Just quit. You may find that NA fits you better at some later date in your recovery, or you may never set foot in the rooms again...doesn't matter. Just quit.
I'm atypical as an addict/alcoholic (I know everyone says that, but that's ok - atypical for the 12 step programs, but not on this site...). I also didn't have a very low bottom, am professional, etc. This kept me from sobriety for many years. I've gone to many meetings in my community, and there is only one were I feel an identification with people. So, at this point, 8 months in - that's the single meeting that I attend each week.
There are many folks on this website who don't attend 12 step meetings at all. You can create any combination of supports to build your recovery. Fitness, therapy or counselling, religion, 12 step programs, yoga, meditation group, reading, journalling, running, volunteer work, etc. You can make a personal commitment to checking in regularly and posting on this website to satisfy the need for a community of people who understand recovery. You can do the steps or use the program literature on your own.
If you tried NA, and it doesn't fit for you - no big deal. Many people on this website have come to the same conclusion for themselves.
But don't use that discomfort with your local NA community be a reason/excuse not to get clean. My advice would be - don't get stuck there...it is an easy place to get stuck and say "I am different; this won't work for me" and so abandon any intention of sobriety...
Be creative. Quit anyway. Quit today. Build your own support network and stay busy. Grow yourself. It is a worthy journey, and there is no point in going in circles, waiting to be comfortable in NA so you can quit. Just quit. You may find that NA fits you better at some later date in your recovery, or you may never set foot in the rooms again...doesn't matter. Just quit.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I don't know what your faith base it, but you may try out a Celebrate Recovery, which is a lot the same but with scripture backup. There are many varieties of people at our CR and it may be easier to find someone you click with.
Good luck to you!!!
Good luck to you!!!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
My drug of choice was alcohol, but also - what ya got???
I just walked into rooms about 10 months back and am in Mid 50's. There are folks my age but the ones with about the same sober time are much younger. In fact there are many in late 20's to late 30's with a bunch more time.........
I feel out of place many times. That's ok, because I am not - I am exactly where I need to be. I am not there to garner a bunch of friends right away, but to gain some insight into HOW others got sober. I really do not care how old they are. Share about feeling uncomfortable......you may be surprised what you hear back.
I felt a heck of a lot more out of place in the outside world.......all the time. Isolated with my head screaming. No one to share my strife with.
Go to share, ask the group for a temporary sponsor to help get you going on the steps and ease transition. You'll hear your story initially when you share. Others need to hear it......you have much to offer and can help so many!!
Maybe turn the thought process around some - after all, we are dealing with sick brains....
Glad you're here, keep coming back!
I just walked into rooms about 10 months back and am in Mid 50's. There are folks my age but the ones with about the same sober time are much younger. In fact there are many in late 20's to late 30's with a bunch more time.........
I feel out of place many times. That's ok, because I am not - I am exactly where I need to be. I am not there to garner a bunch of friends right away, but to gain some insight into HOW others got sober. I really do not care how old they are. Share about feeling uncomfortable......you may be surprised what you hear back.
I felt a heck of a lot more out of place in the outside world.......all the time. Isolated with my head screaming. No one to share my strife with.
Go to share, ask the group for a temporary sponsor to help get you going on the steps and ease transition. You'll hear your story initially when you share. Others need to hear it......you have much to offer and can help so many!!
Maybe turn the thought process around some - after all, we are dealing with sick brains....
Glad you're here, keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
I am curious. What makes you think you need the 12 steps to quit using?
Is it something you heard about and think that it is the only way?
There are alternative approaches to get yourself clean and maintain it.
Why NA?
Is it something you heard about and think that it is the only way?
There are alternative approaches to get yourself clean and maintain it.
Why NA?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by LBrain 
I am curious. What makes you think you need the 12 steps to quit using?
Is it something you heard about and think that it is the only way?
There are alternative approaches to get yourself clean and maintain it.
Why NA?
Is it something you heard about and think that it is the only way?
There are alternative approaches to get yourself clean and maintain it.
Why NA?
I have found the spiritual, but not religious side of NA extremely fulfilling - it fills a huge void, gives me serenity - but I cant' relate to the other members of NA.
Sadly, that concept of God and the fellowship around it, doesn't seem to exist outside of NA/12 Step groups.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by JFalken
Well I do not know what happened to the link that INGal posted but it was very helpful, thankyou.
For posterity, it is titled 'The Irrationality of Alcoholics Anonymous'
For posterity, it is titled 'The Irrationality of Alcoholics Anonymous'
I'd earlier moved a discussion on the article, posted by the same member, to Alcoholism forum for that reason.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...altrexone.html
The mods and admins who were here at the time rightly removed the post and replies to it.
Dee
Moderator
SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Dee74
Newcomers forum has a policy of no recovery methods debates.
Thanks for all the replies, I am stunned by the amount of time you guys have taken to respond to me, and appreciate it very much.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
